A/n: Ack...leave it to me to not even see the innuendos in my own writing until they were laughingly pointed out to me. Everything in this chapter is purely (er...mostly) innocent. Sou is not responsible for the things that you silly gutter-minds will paint in between her lines. Enjoy.
DREAM OF FOREVER
soumanyon
Chapter 9
I followed Shinji's order for lack of the mental capability to think of anything else. I left the store and no one came running after me this time. I did what I did best—I ran. I know I couldn't leave Sho for good despite all my urges to, at least not yet. A voice in my head still had me convinced that he needed me and if there was a chance that he did, I wasn't going to leave. Another voice said that he'd be better off without me. Without knowing which was right, I didn't want to return yet.
It was an easy excuse to hide my real fear of seeing him again and having to face up to the consequences of what I'd done.
As the days dragged out, thoughts of his reaction, his feelings, consumed more and more of my time. I don't really know how I spent those days. It's all a haze, one day fading into the next without even hunger for blood to distract me from the pain in my chest that told me Sho would completely reject me, after having all this time to think about what I'd done.
Even bloodlust didn't distract me, at least, not for the first few days.
I think it was getting towards a week when it started to get unbearable. The hunger, the realization of the hunger struck me all at once and settled as a deep ache in my bones. At least human hunger is focused in the stomach. Vampiric hunger arises when the very blood flowing in your veins starts to…to what? To decompose? To fade away? There isn't a pretty word for it.
Then there's the instinct that comes with the hunger, the most basest of instincts: self-preservation. An instinct that urges you to kill, to grab anything within your range with a beating heart and veins full of living blood.
It about a week and a half when I finally made myself go back to the apartment. I was so weak that I couldn't trust myself on the streets anymore. I could barely walk, let alone put up a fight if someone decided to kill me for whatever valuables they thought I had. The streets of Mallepa aren't friendly.
Before my third knock, the door was ripped open and there was Sho, looking like an angel with the halo of light shining out the doorway from behind him. Or maybe it just seemed like that to my hazy eyes. I blinked up at him through scraggly bangs, completely vulnerable in that moment. One look from him would be enough. There were so many reasons for me to die, but this last reason for me to live had been enough to keep me alive for this long.
"K-Kei!" Sho asked, getting over his initial shock or maybe finally recognizing me.
I didn't have anything to say. I hadn't had reason to speak at all over the week and a half since I'd last seen him and even if it weren't for the hiatus, I don't think I could have thought of anything to say at that moment.
I didn't quite see the loathing fear I'd expected to see on his face but it wasn't an exuberant welcome. It was awkward. Neither of us knew what to say or do. I still stared up at him, searching masochistically for any trace of hatred or revulsion. I figured if he did hate me, it'd be better to get it out in the open now instead of discovering it later. Not that Sho can hide anything for very long.
The emotions I read on his face were at first a mixture of disbelief and fear. But the fear quickly faded until I recognized it as extreme concern. He'd been worrying about me, that much was certain. And then the worry changed to joy, elation, that I was back.
That was all I needed.
I threw everything to the winds. Every reined emotion from months upon months. Every time I had resisted the urge to pull him close and whisper in his ear everything. And every time these past two weeks that I'd refused him, pushed away his juvenile advances even though I knew subconsciously that they were serious.
I didn't care anymore that I was decades his elder or that I was supposed the be stronger one, the wiser one, the protector.
It was nothing beautiful, nothing romantic like these sort of revelations are, I guess, supposed to be. I stumbled into him, half-tripping over my own feet in the few steps that separated us. He caught me, of course, but not gently or gracefully. Instead, he grabbed me with the strength I knew he had but had never felt firsthand before.
I buried my face into his shirt, crushing my body into his as I clutched at him. If I had had my strength, I'd've left bruises but as it was, I hardly had the strength to hold onto him and keep myself somewhat upright. In comparison, his hold was much stronger, much tighter and I was glad of it. The starvation had made me dizzy for the past few days, I always felt like I was drifting along. To be finally grounded against a warm, welcoming body was safety and I put all my trust into that safety.
Looking back, it's hard to believe that I gave out my entire heart, or at least the blackened remains of it, in one hug. It wasn't even a kiss or sex. It was a silent hug. There weren't even any teary love declarations or impassioned promises of an eternity together but I knew from then that I could never leave Sho. Despite all the odds, a vampire had found love and I knew it'd last forever.
I don't know if it meant as much to him. I didn't dare think about the possibility that it didn't. Nothing was said but I hope to whatever god that he felt it too, the crushing weight in your chest that tells you that you've made a huge, irrevocable decision. The possibility that he didn't was there, hiding in the silence between us but I didn't look at it from more than the corner of my eye. Some things were best left in the dark. Ignorance is bliss.
Instead, I reveled in his warmth after so many cold nights, I reveled in warm light of the apartment after sulking through so many dark alleys. I let him guide me to my futon and I was glad that he didn't try to pick me up and carry me to it even though his overly-careful gentle touches after that first scalding embrace showed that he was itching to do it. I distantly wondered how bad I really looked, if he was even considering trying to carry me anywhere.
It was all a drifty haze as I sat down on the familiar black leather, leaning back against the arm as he got a blanket from his own room to drape over me. I wanted to brush it off; I was filthy from so long on the streets but I couldn't lift my hand to do it.
I realized that I was nodding off and despite trying to blink the sleep out of my eyes, I was exhausted. Sho's soft whispers and reassurances weren't helping any; they relaxed the muscles that I didn't even realize were tensed and kept pulling me back into that warm haze.
In the end, I surrendered and drifted to sleep with the feel of his fingers brushing through my hair as I'd done so often to him.
I can't say that I felt much better when I woke up. Vampires have one answer to exhaustion and hunger: blood, and I sure as hell wasn't feeling up to that particular subject. But I guess staying still for however long it was also helped. The longest naps I'd had on the streets were still short of an hour each.
A long sleep, while not exactly strengthening or refreshing, would at least give my body a little time to recover. Vampiric abilities are intertwined with the vampire's strength. When I'm well-fed, I heal faster but when I'm half-starved it takes considerably longer.
I woke up from a soft brush of something on my nose. It was there then gone again. It was annoyingly ticklish enough that I opened my eyes against the light to investigate.
My entire vision was filled with fuzzy, streaky, brown.
I blinked, trying to clear my the fuzz from my vision before I realized that whatever I was looking at was too close for me to focus on. When I finally realized what it was, I sat up with a jolt.
I half expected Sho to be curled up on my futon next to me before I realized that if he were sleeping with me, I'd be the one curled up. Sho has never been much of a reserved sleeper. He sprawls.
I guess it was either chance or Sho had realized that he dominated beds; whichever it was, Sho wasn't next to me. Instead, he was sitting on the ground, his arms folded on the futon with his head pillowed on them. His head was turned from me but I could tell from his unabashedly deep breathing that he was asleep. His bangs brushing on my nose had woken me up.
I smiled down at him, wincing as my dry lips cracked again. The hint of coppery blood that my tongue flicked from the cut almost pulled a groan out of me. It was too long since I'd last had any. Way back, almost two weeks ago at the warehouse before the art gallery fiasco.
Instead, I dragged my mind away from that subject again, instead to focus on the disgusting tangle that my hair was my hair probably was. I reached up to try to tell how bad a state it was in. My hand promptly dropped back down to my side.
My hair felt like it normally did, soft, sleek, no tangles whatsoever. That was when I realized that the clothes I was wearing weren't the ones I'd had on for more than a week anymore.
I was dressed in Sho's loose-fitting work out pants and one of his big white cotton button down shirts. Unfortunately, anything loose or big on Sho was undoubtedly looser and bigger on me. The pants would barely hang on my hips if I got up and the shirt's hem trailed half-way to my knees.
Before I had time to get really embarrassed about how much smaller I was than Sho, I noticed with a content sigh that the overall itch of dirt and harsh weather piled up for a week and a half on my skin was gone.
Somehow, in the however many hours I'd been asleep, Sho had managed to bathe me, wash my hair, and change my clothes.
The embarrassment bit with a vengeance.
My hand fisted in the blanket still covering my lap as I felt a burning flush spread all over my face and neck. The heat settled in my ears, which I knew were a heated tomato red.
Sho, as always, had perfect timing and chose that moment to sit up, stretching a huge yawn, arms and all and popping his neck back and forth with contented groans. I took that time to slouch over, dropping my forehead on my blanket-covered knee in an attempt to hide some of my embarrassment.
"Kei?" Sho asked after he settled back down. One of his elbows was propped up on my futon, probably to support his cheek that he had leaned into his hand. I almost growled at him as if everything were normal; I hated it when he did that. It always left elbow-sized indentations in the leather.
"Are you okay?" he asked, and I nodded against my knee.
"What's the matter?" his voice was getting concerned now and I couldn't let him worry anymore despite not exactly knowing how to say it. So it came out as a hesitant question,
"You…changed my clothes?"
Sho was silent. I don't know if he blushed in embarrassment or just blinked in confusion but his tone when he spoke again indicated the latter.
"Yeah."
"Everything?"
There was a longer pause this time, and his voice was more hesitant when he spoke again but didn't hold any of the embarrassment that mine was dripping.
"Yeah."
"So you saw." It was a flat statement and I was glad that I was still strong enough to control my emotions. Somewhat. This time his reply took much longer in coming, as if he had to think about what he said next, which didn't make any sense because he replied with yet another one-word answer.
"Yeah."
I was frustrated as hell, wanted to get up, kick something, demand that he say something. The irony of the situation, that for once he was the impassive one and I was the impatient one, was completely lost on me.
I guess some of my frustration showed or he had finally put together what he wanted to say next. It was more likely the former because Sho's next words didn't seem any more careful or thought out than what he says all the time.
"You're beautiful, Kei." The comment wasn't the awkward meandering I'd expected or even the half-sincere reassurances. Instead, it was filled with awe.
What the fuck?
I finally looked up at him, glaring, more like. My body wasn't beautiful. It was grotesque. How can something not living be beautiful? I was no more beautiful than the decomposing animal corpses on the sides of roads especially now, with the starvation stretching my skin taut across my bones everything weathered and chapped after a week and a half of homelessness.
He could tell that I didn't believe him and reassured me. His hands cradled my face gently, feeling cool against my flushed skin. As he leaned in towards me, I saw a passionate light in his eyes calmed by the same gentle smile he'd had in Shinji's shop. The sleep wrinkles imprinted on one side of his face reflected a little of the immature childishness in Sho to balance the deep maturity I saw in his eyes.
He leaned in, pressing a feathery kiss on my lips, each of my cheeks, the tip of my nose, and then pressing his lips firmly against my forehead before he tucked my head under his chin, his arms cradling me warmly. I don't even know when he climbed on the futon with me but I was glad of the support his chest gave pressed against my back. I leaned back and enjoyed it. My barriers never meant anything when it came to Sho.
It was such a soothing action that I settled down, bitter thoughts completely disintegrating in that haze again. This was a side of Sho that I'd never seen before. How was it that he could put me into that calm, protective haze with only a smile and a few touches?
"You ready?" he asked, his voice drifting to me softly. I could feel the moving of his chest against my back as he breathed.
"Hm?" I asked, wanting nothing more than to lean against him. Having such a firm support after so many years of relying on myself and having others rely on me was like a huge burden lifted.
"To go," He whispered in my ear. I was mildly surprised at how comfortable I was already with the intimacy after so long of having none. I guess some old habits don't die hard. "to see Yi-Che and Son and Toshi in the park."
That did it for my haze and I stiffened. I knew Sho felt it but he didn't react, still holding me. But the embrace felt awkward now. Yi-Che. Son. Jealousy of Yi-Che and also jealousy of Son.
"It's okay." Sho reassured me, "we're just going to see her mural. Yi-Che's finishing it tonight. Tomorrow's the reveal."
I stayed silent, not sure what to say of the subject. I wondered if Sho would think me immature if I refused. When had the tables turned so sharply?
Sho pulled away from my head, still tucked under his so he could look down at me.
"Please?" he asked, staring at me with eyes that I knew I'd never be able to refuse again, "it'd mean so much to her." I wondered why he was now acknowledging Yi-Che's feelings towards me when he was always so uncomfortable with mentioning them before. Had he lost all interest in Yi-Che in favor of me or was he had he finally learned to hide his emotions?
I didn't dwell on which was true.
"Please, Kei," he asked again when I stayed silent and I finally sighed which we both knew to mean that I'd given in. Sho grinned, obviously elated and leaned down to meet my lips in a kiss, our first real kiss.
Somehow, sometime, Sho had obviously picked up some experience. My experience at kissing had been passable at best and years of disuse had done nothing for my skill. Sho was clearly better at it and he relished having the upper hand, completely dominating my mouth and kissed me until I didn't know up from down.
I was so distracted that my conscious mind didn't even catch onto the fact until much later; that our first kiss was, in a roundabout way, initiated by Son and Yi-Che. If I hadn't been so distracted, I might have felt the foreboding shiver that went through me as my subconscious realized. It was a haunting breeze that made my silent promises of forever to Sho seem ghostly and ethereal.
tbc...
hehe, title!
fujipuri, Tixxana, YaoiKitty, Essenity, TheTrueSilver, skyofdestiny, IceMaiden7
"What religious denomination do you follow?"
"Hydeism."
"What is that, some sort of cult?"
"You could say that."