(She accepted his invitation to go to the hospital…George and Cristina were working…they were kind…understanding…more understanding than she deserved. She stayed most of the afternoon…watched procedures from the gallery, hung out with all of them on their breaks. Returning from the cafeteria Cristina, George and Meredith were walking down the hall toward the nurse's station where Derek was charting…looking up at the three of them he was suddenly sorry that he had invited her to come with him…it took a long time before he could come to work without looking down every corridor, every empty patients room expecting to see her with the others. He barely glanced up at the gallery during surgeries these days…it was too disappointing when he looked up and she wasn't there.)
Meredith: We were going to go to Joe's…did you…wanna go?
Derek: I'm heading into surgery actually, so…no.
Meredith: Ok…well…I'll see you later then.
Derek: Maybe…or leave your address at the house and I'll mail you the papers when my attorney is finished with them. (he walked off…not waiting for an answer…she thought it was because he was indifferent…really he knew he wouldn't be able to hold it together being around her and pretending to be indifferent for very much longer…so he had bolted. He finished the surgery without killing anyone which was a miracle considering he was thinking about his personal like throughout the procedure. He cleaned up…changed…and headed to the lobby…waiting impatiently for the elevator…when it opened he stood frozen for a moment…surprised to see Meredith inside…he reluctantly stepped in with her.)
Meredith: I was just coming to find you.
Derek: You were? (his heart was pounding…self control in elevators with Meredith had never been his strong suite.)
Meredith: My car…it's at your place…and some of my things are still at the house…so I thought…if you don't mind giving me a ride?
Derek: (trying to keep his mind out of the gutter…trying not to sound disappointed) A ride home…sure. (He felt like an idiot…she had left him…he should be mad at her…and yet he found himself looking for any sign…any indication that she wanted to stay in Seattle and he knew he would forgive and forget that the last two years ever happened. She stared straight ahead in the elevator…as the doors chimed open with a sigh he stepped out and she followed him to the car. As they pulled up to the cabin he felt sick to his stomach…his mind racing to think of a reason for her to say…to put off her saying goodbye. She got out of his car and walked over by hers.)
Meredith: Well…I should go…
Derek: (he nodded) Ok.
Meredith: It was good to see you…
Derek: Yeah, you too. (he wanted to vomit at the casual small talk they were having…like casual acquaintances…the need to vomit intensifying as she turned to leave…he decided he had to say something…he had to say something or he would regret it.)
Derek: You know where I'll be. (she turned to look at him…not sure what he meant by that)…right here…same city, same house, same job, same phone number…how pathetic is that, right? I can't change anything because what if you came back and you couldn't find me…well the joke's on me because you weren't even looking…
Meredith: Derek…(her voice cracked…her eyes watering)
Derek: No…you don't have to say anything…I just…I'm just saying, you know where I'll be. (he turned and jogged up the three steps to the cabin…thankful to shut the door before falling to pieces. His hand resting on the door, as if holding it shut, keeping himself from opening it and chasing after her. He had chased her for two years…she apparently hadn't wanted to be caught…so he was done….done chasing…if things weren't over for them then she would have to come find him…and now she knew where he'd be. His heart was pounding as he stood behind the door…she hadn't left…maybe that meant something…still standing by the door, praying like hell that she would open it, or knock, or something…then he heard it…heard her car starting, and watched out the window as she drove away.
(Tears streaming down her face…she could barely drive…didn't know where she was driving to…just knowing that she had to leave…she had to put some distance between her and Derek or she was going to do something rash…she was going to follow her heart and what if it was a mistake? Her head was telling her that they had too much baggage…that he would never be able to forget what she had put him through…that they could never get past it…and what if she hurt him again? She had barely survived leaving him this time…barely able to say him name for two years…every time she picked up the phone to call she fell to pieces. She thought she was leaving to give him a chance to be happy…to have children with someone else…after she left she realized it was a mistake, but by then it was too late…she had already hurt him…and she was too scared to come back. Now she was back and she was too scared to think about what that might mean…he had waited…he wasn't with anyone…he was still wearing his wedding band for goodness sakes…and that scared her more. She had assumed that he would have moved on…it would have made it easier for her to do the same…and now she didn't know what to do…or where to go…she found herself pulling up to her familiar parking spot at Joe's…the flashing neon "OPEN" sign welcoming her inside as it had her first night in Seattle many, many years before.)
Joe: Hey there Dr. Shepher…or…uh…
Meredith: Meredith.
Joe: Yes…Meredith…how have you been?
Meredith: (sigh) Fine.
Joe: (not buying it) Seriously…how have you been?
Meredith: Miserable…do you ever feel like…you do something, thinking it's the right thing…maybe not the right thing for you…but you feel like it's the right thing for everyone else…and so you do it…you're miserable, but you do it anyway…and then you find out that you were wrong…that it wasn't the right thing for ANYONE else…or you…so you did it for nothing…but by then it's too late to fix it…two long years, and it's too late to fix it. Ya know?
Joe: (confused by her ramblings) No…I don't know…but you know who might know? A certain OTHER Dr. Shepherd…who has been in here many a night…sitting on that very stool…looking just as miserable as you are.
Meredith: (she shook her head no) I shouldn't have come back…he waited TWO years…two years he wasted…I just…I don't know…
Joe: And if you hadn't come back…he'd have wasted two more, or four, or maybe forever? (she took the shot of tequila…slammed the shot glass down and walked out. She drove around the city for several hours…it still felt like home…she had moved several times over the last two years and she hadn't fit in anywhere. She didn't know what to do…didn't know where she belonged anymore…well she knew where she belonged, but wasn't sure if she could open herself and him up to that kind of pain again. She hadn't been with anyone since Derek…recently finally letting herself date again…but it wasn't the same…but she knew if never would be…Derek was the love of her life and she had lost him…nothing would ever feel the way it did with him…so she had two choices, she could take a chance…be willing to be hurt again…tell him why she left and beg him for another chance…or she could walk away…again.)
(She carefully laid the items that she had taken from the house into her suitcase…the final item the picture of her and Derek from the baby's nursery…she carried her suitcase downstairs…looking around the empty house…she pulled the front door shut, threw the suitcase in her car…and drove away.)
(Derek had waited up half the night…hoping she would come back…she hadn't…so he finally went to bed. He had an early surgery, he looked at the alarm clock…7:00 a.m…her flight was at 8:00…she would be at the airport by now…she wasn't coming back…he could go to the airport and beg her to say, but he wouldn't. He showered, dressed, and drug himself to work. Convincing himself that it was over…he gave her the choice and she chose to leave…it was time he moved on…it was time to forget about Meredith Grey. As he entered the hospital Cristina was busy pre-rounding with her interns…she gave him a look, but he didn't know what it meant. He was heading to check on his patient when George and Alex rounded the corner…and behind them…wearing navy scrubs…a labcoat…and a Seattle Grace ID badge…was Meredith. Dr. Craig, the new chief that took over when Derek stepped down, was with her…introducing her to all of the newer staff that had hired on since Meredith left. Derek was shocked…frozen…he looked at her for a moment, and then walked past…she grabbed his arm as he passed, but he yanked it away and headed to the O.R. His mind was racing…she hadn't left…which was good…but she hadn't come to him about staying…so she was staying, but not talking to him…he would have to work with her, but not be with her…which was even worse than not being with her while she lived thousands of miles away…so just when he thought things couldn't get worse…suddenly now it seemed that they had. He avoided her all day…not willing to lose it at work by talking to her. They were in the elevator several times…but never alone…so while she tried to make eye contact…he stared straight ahead…she could tell by the look on his face that he was angry. Everything had happened so fast that she hadn't gotten a chance to talk to him about it…she had talked to Dr. Craig, but not wanted to say anything to Derek until she knew for sure…and then he had called her early that morning and wanted to see her…he had offered her the position…and the next thing she knew he was showing her around the hospital. Derek was mad…he had every right to be…she had walked back in…was now working with him…and hadn't bothered to discuss it with him. Finally late that night she was waiting for the elevator…the door opened and he was standing inside…alone…she stepped inside…standing in front of him…her back to him…he looked exhausted…the events of the last two years…and particularly the last two days taking its toll…he was exhausted. She nervously stared at the ceiling, trying to find the words…remembering something he had told her many years ago when George was mad at her…she should "use the elevator…make him listen"…her back still to him she started to explain.)
Meredith: I didn't know I was starting today…I wanted to talk to you about it first….but…
Derek: But you didn't…
Meredith: No…I didn't…I'm sorry. (she turned to face him…her arms crossed) Do you want me to leave…because if you don't want me here then I'll leave. I don't want to hurt you…
Derek: Really? Because you're so good at it…(he stormed past her…heading to Joe's to get drunk and try to forget about her…she stood there in shock…not sure what do do. She drove around for a while…finally driving to the cabin…he wasn't home…she decided to wait…even if he wouldn't forgive her she at least needed him to understand why.)
(Derek was at Joe's…he was half drunk when the brunette from the other night took the stool next to him…rubbing his leg…flirting. He convinced himself that he had waited long enough…wasted enough time waiting for Meredith…when the woman offered to drive him home he accepted. A feeling of dread in his gut as they got closer to his cabin…he didn't want to do this…didn't want to be with someone else…but he convinced himself that it was what he needed to move on…to rip the stitches…he was distracted as they pulled up and didn't notice Meredith's car…the brunette extended her hand to him as they got out of the car and he reluctantly took it…she pulled him to her and kissed him. Meredith was watching the scene from the porch and wanted to die…wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere…didn't want him to see her there. The woman was staring at Derek…didn't notice Meredith sneaking off the porch…Derek had noticed her car and saw her coming down the stairs and hiding around the corner. He could have tortured her…could have ignored her and taken the woman inside…she probably deserved it, but he couldn't. He stopped at the bottom step and turned to the other woman)
Derek: I'm sorry….I can't do this…
Woman: Is something wrong?
Derek: Yes…this…this is wrong. (he sighed…plopping down on the steps to the porch) My wife left me…two years ago she left and I thought it was time…I thought I was ready to move on, but I can't…I can't move on…I can't get over her…I'm…
Woman: still in love with her? (he nodded…the woman…disappointed…looked him up and down) She must be crazy. (he laughed, knowing Meredith could hear the woman. He watched her make her way back to her car and drive away. He walked around the corner…spotting his wife behind a small tree…her face buried in her hands from humiliation…trying to hide her face.)
Meredith: I AM so sorry…I should have called first…I shouldn't have come…(she stepped out from behind the tree…looking at each other…neither knowing what to say…she walked toward him…needing to explain things to him…that's why she had come) I just…I wanted you to know why I left…I just wanted to say…(he stopped her…placing his finger to her lips to quiet her…staring down at her…her eyes sparkling in the moonlight pulling him in the way they used to.)
Derek: I know why you left Meredith…your whole life you had no one…when something bad happened you ran…you ran and you dealt with it alone. You thought you had too much baggage…thought I would be happier without you…thought I deserved better. (he moved in closer…their faces almost touching…tears streaming down her face at how he could still practically read her mind…his voice nearly a whisper) I'm not happier without you…I have been miserable for two years…two years I have wondered every minute where you were…what you were doing…who you were with…(his voice cracked) if you were happy without me. (his hand slid up and caressed her cheek…she closed her eyes…leaning into his touch that she had missed for so long) I don't need to know why you left…or where you were…or who you were with…the only thing that matters…is that you came back. (she buried her face in her hands…not able to look at him…sobbing nearly uncontrollably. He pulled her into his arms…feeling her exhale…her arms wrapping around him…pulling him closer…both crying for what seemed like hours. Finally she was able to stop sobbing…pulling back to look up at him…startled by his pager ringing. He called the hospital from his cell phone.)
Derek: I'm sorry…I have to go back to the hospital.
Meredith: Ok.
Derek: Will you wait here? (she nodded…he unlocked the door for her…as he rushed off the deck toward his car he heard her following him)
Meredith: Derek…(he turned to find her running after him…he opened his arms…pulling her to him as her mouth reached up to meet his…pulling her closer…his hand sliding up her back…caressing her bare skin…not wanting to stop. She knew he had to leave so she pulled back…smiling at him…she opened his car door and watched him crawl inside.)
Derek: I'll be back as soon as I can.
Meredith: (she smiled) I'll be right here.
Derek: You better be…because next time I won't be so nice when I find you. (he smiled…threw the car in reverse and pulled away. She got her small suitcase of things she had packed from the house and carried it inside to wait for him.)