Story Two: Puppy

Azumanga Daioh just got a little more sinful.

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In yet another pathetic attempt to avoid being driven insane by the macho behavior of the overwhelmingly male majority of their group, Sloth and Lust were chatting over coffee in a room that they had hijacked for the occasion.

"So... what are you going to do once you have a soul, anyway?" Sloth asked curiously.

Lust shrugged and took another sip of espresso. "Oh, I don't know. Haven't given it much thought, really... You?"

"...I'd... well," Sloth smiled shyly into her coffee and lowered her voice, just as Envy walked in. Now, they had told the guys to keep their distance, but since Envy didn't really count as a guy, they ignored him. "I'd actually like to have a kid... maybe adopt or something..." Envy and Lust choked on some laughter, but kept quiet. "But... our house isn't exactly a healthy environment."

"Aw," Lust sympathized, "well, look on the bright side. Any little kid you adopted would be deadly afraid of you!" Sloth absolutely wilted, and Envy jumped around in the background trying (unsuccessfully) to get Lust to shut up. "Think positive! Positive!" the insensitive woman encouraged peppily.

"I'm sure that's not true, sis!" Envy cried but Sloth didn't seem to hear. She was stirring her coffee listlessly.

"But, seriously, Sloth," Lust obliviously continued. "Children really don't like you. Remember Take Your Daughter To Work Day?"

"I know," the disillusioned almost-mother sighed.

"No! Think positive, Sloth! Positive!" Envy encouraged frantically.

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The incident was typical of the Sins' household, and quickly left the memories of everyone involved. Sloth certainly didn't remember it at all when she got a phone call at work.

"Hey, sis." Envy. Of course. "You know that little island out near Dublin?"

"I've never even heard of Dublin."

"Oh... Well, that puts a bit of a damper on my plans... do you have a really good map?"

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"It's a surprise!... No, it won't take long... love you too, sis...bye bye," Envy hung up and pocketed his cellphone and turned back to Greed. "What?"

"Since when do you have a little sister?"

"Well, she's like my niece or something, but that makes me feel old," Envy grinned.

"...I don't think I've seen you this fond of one of us since... well, since Sloth version 1.0"

The grin died and was replaced by a more somber expression. "When we have a Sloth, I know all of us are out there, somewhere. It's only a matter of finding them... and we haven't assembled for such a long time...

Besides, this one is the manifestation of the imperfection and failure of my most despised nemeses... and, anyway, she's such a doll, Greed, you're going to love her."

Greed prepared to make a devastatingly sarcastic remark, but was thwarted by Sloth, who had finally water spouted her way out there. She nodded briefly but politely at Greed, and then glared at Envy. "All right, what's so all-out important that you need to show me?"

The walking palm tree smiled endearingly and pointed over the edge of the cliff they had gathered on. "I wanted you to meet Wrath. Look, he's down there."

Sloth tapped her foot impatiently. "En, this could have waited til later. You didn't need to..." She glanced over the cliff edge. And stopped lecturing. "Him?"

Envy's grin broadened. "Yep."

"...really?"

"Really really."

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Envy and Greed were not happy campers. The cause of this was simple: Wrath was not a happy camper. And the two older Sins were just not cut out for babysitting.

"Envy, remind me..." Greed asked, trying to offer the crying child some candy, "was the last Wrath this whiny?"

"Well, his voice wasn't so irritating, I know that. Can't you shut him up?"

"I'm trying, palm-tree!"

"Not very hard."

"You want to take a shot at it? After all, you're the one with the father..."

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?"

Scared by the yelling, Wrath whimpered and broke into a fresh round of sobs. Growling, Envy pushed Greed out of the way and kicked the distraught boy in the head. "What are you whining about, brat?"

Wrath clamped his mouth shut and clung to Greed for safety.

"Well? Answer me!"

Wrath burst into tears again.

"Oh! Poor child. Is he hurt?"

Envy rolled his eyes at Sloth, who had just entered stage right. "He's a homunculus, sis. Of course he's not hurt... the only thing that's hurt around here is my brain... I'm going to go down a couple of aspirin. Enjoy your new kid."

Sloth had every intention of doing just that. Looking the very picture of maternal concern, she knelt next to the child. "What's wrong, sweetie?" Wrath caught his breath, his eyes widening in fright as he stared at her. Sloth wilted a little, wondering if Lust was right, and if she was doomed to intimidate little children the rest of her life. "It's ok. You don't need to be scared. I'll protect you."

The little boy's chin wavered, and he released Greed's knee to jump into Sloth's arms, sobbing, "Mommies are supposed to love their babies... but she lied to me. She said she loved me, and she lied. She didn't, she didn't, she didn't,"

Sloth had never looked so... radiant. She folded her arms around her new child, rocking him back and forth as he sobbed. If she had had any color, if she had been human, she would have been blushing crimson. Even without the blush, even though she only had her customary little half-smile, it was still obvious that she was so overcome with emotion she couldn't speak.

Lust and Gluttony watched, unnoticed, by the door. "She looks so... so..." fumbled Lust, "kinda glowy..."

Envy snuck up behind them, his headache cured. "Glowy? You've got quite a way with words there, Ishbala."

Lust ignored the slur only because she was still searching for the word. "Look at her, Envy. She looks like a little girl who just got a puppy for Christmas."

Envy considered this. "You're right. She looks... she's... she's... I don't know what she is. She's just..."

"She's happy," Gluttony mumbled. Lust and Envy turned to stare at him in shock.

"Happy..." sighed Lust, gazing back over at Sloth. "Yes. That's what it is."

Greed smiled contentedly. "Well, my duty is done... Up, Up, and AWAY!" he shouted, leaping out the closest available exit.

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Very early the next morning, in fact, so early his workaholic secretary hadn't even shown up yet, Fuhrer Bradley got a telephone call.

"Coffee. Send coffee," he begged the caller as a greeting.

"Buy your own. You can afford it, you skinflint," Lust countered, already bored with the conversation.

"Oh. It's you. Since when does our resident human-wannabe call people at this hour? Aren't you usually recovering from the night before?"

There was a long pause on Lust's end of the the line, accented by the sound of nails clicking irately against a table. "You know the sad part, Bradley?" she finally growled, "You just completely missed the irony of you calling someone a human-wannabe."

"... did you call for a reason? I'm very busy, you know."

"Somehow I doubt that. Anyway, I was going to be nice and give you a heads up about your secretary's new puppy. She's bringing it in with her today."

"Puppy? She got a puppy?"

"Early Christmas present from her older 'brother'."

"I never got a puppy."

"You've got every Military Dog in the country." Lust smiled at the sound of molars being ground on the other line. "I'll let you go and find some coffee now, sir. Buh-bye."

Bradley stared blankly at the phone for a long time after that, listening the woman say, "You have delayed too long in dialing. Please hang up and try again." over and over, partly because he needed coffee to function, partly because he was trying to figure out what the irony was in calling Lust a human wannabe.

"Did you forget your phone number again, sir?" Sloth asked. Her boss blinked at her and hung up the phone. "Guess what?"

Bradley blinked at her again.

Beaming, Sloth stepped aside to reveal Wrath, who was looking a good deal happier than he had the night before... but whether this was an improvement was hard to say.

Bradley blinked at him. Then at the phone. "...That's not a puppy."

Sloth didn't ask. "This is Wrath... Wrath, sweetie, this is Brad."

With minimum delay, Bradley's caffeine-deprived brain began to function. "Oh, so this the...?" Sloth nodded. "Ok...but I still don't see where she got the puppy..." Perhaps it occurred to him that, with only Glut and En around, it was up to him to be a positive male role model for this poor unwanted child, because he knelt down in front of him. "hey, there, buddy,"

Wrath whimpered and clung to his mommy. "I think he's afraid of you, sir," she noted.

"Nonsense!" Bradley smiled. He wasn't bad with kids. After all, he had single-handedly stopped the now-infamous Take-Your-Daughter-To-Work day incident before anyone died. "There's nothing to be afraid of, Wrath."

Wrath bit off his nose.

"OW!"

"You shouldn't have scared him like that!" Sloth admonished as the king danced around the room in pain, hands clapped over his face.

"My node! My node! See ib I evah trust a kib agaim!"

"You were threatening him!" Sloth yelled.

"Oh, tabe his side! Traidor! I'm gebbing some cobee!"

Her superior stormed out of the room, and Sloth immediately swept Wrath into her arms. "Are you alright, sweetie?"

Wrath nodded with a cute little squeak. Sloth's smile returned. "Aw. Wrath." Wrath squeaked again. "Wrath!" Squeak. Sloth tossed him up in the air and caught him again. "you're so cute!"

Wrath hugged her. "Mommy! Do you want to play a game?"

After overturning several lamps and couches, breaking a vase, and pulling the books off a couple of shelves, Sloth caught him and was tickling him mercilessly, when Bradley returned, carrying a cup of coffee, and sporting a (completely unnecessary) band-aid on his nose.

Before the door could finish closing, she had snapped back into emotionless-secretary mode, and Wrath was once again hiding timidly behind her skirt.

"...I would be angry," Bradley remarked after a second, "But you two are just way too cute, so forget it."

Sloth only smiled and ruffled Wrath's hair affectionately.

And Brad and Wrath did start getting along:

Wrath was curled up in a corner, his nose buried deep in a manga, when Bradley walked up to him. "Hey, Wrath. What are you reading?"

Instead of running away screaming for his mommy, the boy actually smiled. "THE manga," he answered, holding up the book so Brad could see the picture of Ed on the cover. "You know, in this version, I'm Pride, and you're Wrath."

Pride glanced around nervously to make sure nobody had heard him, and pulled out his wallet. "Here's ten bucks, kid, keep it under your hat."