You Say It's Your Birthday
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The sun was up. The sky was blue. The day was young, and only one person in the entire world seemed to believe that the universe was celebrating, rather than mocking her.
"Guess what?" this cheerful person hissed in the ear of the child-shaped lump she was attempting to wake. "It's my birthday!"
The lump groaned as a wave of despair washed over him, and pulled a pillow over his head. "Five more minutes, mommy."
"But, Wrath, you have to wake up. Today's my birthday."
Removing the pillow, Wrath opened up one hopeful eye. "Does that mean you're going to take the day off and stay home?" he asked Sloth, who had donned a shiny green party hat complete with silver tassel for the occasion.
"No way! Those jerks at the office will be singing Happy Birthday if they know what's good for them."
Wrath pulled the pillow back over his head. "Fine. Have a nice day at work."
"If you wake up, I'll make pancakes."
"I'm awake! I'm awake!" the boy assured her quickly, jumping out of bed before you could you could say Whoop Di do.
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"Envy! Wake up. It's my birthday."
"You don't have a birthday, Sloth."
"You know what I mean. Wake up."
"You're just having a nightmare. Go back to sleep."
"I am not having a nightmare. Today's my birthday."
Envy opened his eyes and decided he was having a nightmare. "Nice hat," he mumbled, rolling over and falling asleep.
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"Lust, it's my birthday."
"I couldn't be more sorry," empathized the eyes and hair sticking out above the comforter on Lust's bed.
"But... today's my birthday," Sloth repeated, perplexed by this response.
"Yes, go on and celebrate," snarled Lust, gaining more and more gusto as she talked, to the point where she raised a fist up passionately from under her blanket. "Celebrate the beginning of your pitiful existence. The day you were doomed to wander the earth forever, an abomination, an mockery of the life you were created to replace, an constant reminder of mankind's struggle and failure to understand the evanescence of their tiny lives! Revel in your incompleteness! Bask in the curse inflicted upon you and your creator on this day!"
Sloth slipped out of the room, unnoticed. Lust was best left alone early in the morning.
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"Hey, Glut, guess what today is?"
No response from Gluttony. Sloth opened his bedroom door.
Empty.
"Fine. More pancakes for me."
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And so, Sloth ate her birthday breakfast with Wrath, which wasn't so bad, when you consider the mood the others woke up in. But, she had been expecting that. She hadn't been "born" on a very opportune day.
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Angst Day was an universal holiday, celebrated October 3rd whether you liked it or not. The Military observed this day of general mourning meticulously, and Sloth was the only one smiling.
"Put that frown away, Colonel," she chirped cheerfully at Roy Mustang, who was feeling suicidal and looked it. "Tomorrow will be a better day."
"Yeah, right. How will the mere rising of the sun change the fact that my best friend is dead, I'm powerless to avenge his murder, the woman I'm in love with has a boyfriend, and back in the distant past I caused the deaths of two innocent doctors who happened to be Winry's parents?"
Sloth blinked. "Winry has parents?"
"Not anymore!"
"Ah, well, it's all in the past," she assured him comfortingly, "except Riza,"
"WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT RIZA?"
"And she'll come to her senses and you'll live happily ever after together, and today's my birthday!"
Now it was Roy's turn to blink. "Is that what's with the hat?"
"Yup!" Sloth smiled cheerily at Roy's blank gaze. "... aren't you going to wish me happy birthday?"
"No."
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Needless to say, her good mood was waning when she reached her office. "Do you know what day it is today?" she asked Fuhrer Bradley without preamble.
"Wednesday."
"Besides that."
"October third."
"Besides that."
"Angst Day."
"Besides that."
"Look, I actually knew the day of the week, the date, and the holiday off the top of my head. That's a huge accomplishment for me."
"October third doesn't ring any other bells for you? No significance to anybody you know, or anything like that?"
"No, not really." Noticing that his secretary was looking somewhat upset, Bradley offered her a box of tissues. "Want a Kleenex? I stock up for Angst Day."
Sloth plucked a Kleenex out of the box, calmly and deliberately ripped it into tiny pieces and deposited them in the wastepaper basket. "No, thank you. I am not going to let some poorly-chosen holiday ruin today for me. I am going to defy nature and remain happy and grateful to be alive."
"...Or whatever," Bradley tacked on, reaching for a Kleenex. "And stop looking at me like that. You'll make me start crying again."
With a good deal of effort (let's not forget she's violating a law of nature here), Sloth forced a bright, happy smile and walked back out the door. There was someone she needed to have a friendly little chat with.
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They weren't hard to find. Even on a regular day, the angst hung so thick around the Elric brothers that you could smell it, and on Angst Day, a visible miasma of bleakness surrounded them, sucking the life and happiness out of the air.
"I'd cut myself, but I'm too depressed," Ed declared, staring blankly out the window of his bedroom.
"I'd cut myself for you, Brother, but I'm made of metal," Al sighed.
"Oh, bring that up again," snapped Ed. "Like I don't feel guilty about it! ... wait, Al, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get angry,"
Just listening at the keyhole, Sloth started to feel depressed, but she reached inside for that store of strength and fortitude that kept her going through the worst of days, and burst into the room.
"All right, boys, pity party is over!" she announced. They ignored her, except for Al tugging at Ed's sleeve.
"Brother, doesn't she remind you of mother?"
"It's Angst Day, Al, everybody reminds you of mom. Lt. Ross reminded you of mom. Armstrong reminded you of mom."
"No, really, she,"
Al was cut off by Sloth picking up his brother by his lapels and slamming him against a wall. "Listen up, FullMetal. You are going to smile and be happy and put an end to this travesty of a holiday, right now. You've ruined enough for me without taking my birthday, too."
"Birthday? You were born on Angst Day?" Ed gasped. "That sucks."
"It wasn't Angst Day when I was born. I was here first, and I demand that you smile!"
"Look, lady, I would if I could, but I can't. You think I like angsting like this?"
"Frankly, yes. Now, think of something happy." Ed glanced over at Al, and Sloth tightened the grip on his collar. "Not bittersweet memory associated with happier times, something pure cocaine HAPPY! Rubber duckies!"
Ed started to smile, but almost immediately stopped. "Hughes had a pair of ducky pajamas!"
"Pretty flowers?" suggested Sloth.
"Mom used to like flowers,"
"Fluffy puppies?"
"Nina Tucker and Alexander!"
"Barney!.?"
"I'm afraid of Barney!"
"...Glitter?"
"Winry wears glitter sometimes,"
"Winry is good," Sloth encouraged. " Think Winry."
"And the Military killed her parents and I'm betraying her just by being here!"
"Good God, boy. Doesn't anything good ever happen to you?"
"Not really."
"I like duckies and puppies and flowers and glitter," volunteered Al. "And candy and teacups and roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with string, cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudel, doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles, wild geese that fly with the wind on their wings, girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes, silver white winters that melt into springs,"
The dark waves that filled the room began to lift and lighten. Sloth smiled as she dropped Ed with a THUD. "You always were my favorite," she winked at Al, hugging the lovable suit of armor to the best of her ability.
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The rest of the day was fairly uneventful, sans the occasional suicide of an unimportant soldier. It was after calling the janitor to clean up the most recent one that Sloth returned to her office to find her boss on the phone.
"YOU WHAT? What were you thinking? Of course he would do that, you can't trust him with stuff like this. Oh, shut up about your damn father, that doesn't have anything to do with,"
"Is that Envy?" guessed Sloth.
Suddenly alerted to her presence, Bradley muttered, "Look,Igottago," very quickly into the phone and slammed the receiver down. "Hey, didn't see you there."
"Mustang, get your ass down here!" came Riza Hawkeye's voice from outside the window, where she and a couple of other concerned people were talking Roy down from the roof.
"No! I can't live like this! I don't deserve life!"
"Well, if you're gonna jump, hurry up! I've got a date!"
"I'd watch it if I were you, Hawkeye! I've got a gun and a good view of the entire grounds from up here!"
Sloth decided to ignore them. "Who was that on the phone?"
"Stop fooling around, you melodramatic pansy!"
Bradley shrugged. "You know, I can't remember... but then, my memory isn't that good,"
"You can say that again," Sloth muttered over the sound of gunshots.
"What's that? Didn't hear you."
"I said it doesn't matter," she smiled sarcastically, "as long as you can remember the things that are important to you."
"Oh my god! Man down, man down!"
"Mustang's lost his marbles!"
"Shoot him, Hawkeye! Take him out!"
"Like holidays," Sloth continued, hoping to get a hint across, "anniversaries, birthdays, that kind of thing,"
A bullet zipped through the open window, across the room, through the open door, and off into the hallway. This didn't phase the two of them much, but it did get Bradley to check his watch. "Oh, shit, I have to run... I've got a thing I need to get to... if anyone asks, I'm in a meeting."
"Foolish mortals! Bow before Fuhrer Roy!"
"Right, right, I know the drill."
"Thanks, Julie, you're a doll."
Sloth smiled insincerely as the door closed, gave him a half-hour head start, grabbed her purse and left.
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The little townhouse the Sins rented from an unscrupulous landlord was dark, with the shutters drawn, except for the top window, where she spotted Wrath staring gloomily out at the street, but he disappeared when he saw her. This was hardly an unusual home decoration for Angst Day.
Not the worst birthday ever, the ever-optimistic Sloth reflected, unlocking the door. It could have been much worse. Sigh.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" exclaimed five oddly-happy voices.
Envy switched on the light, revealing himself, Wrath, Bradley, Gluttony, and Lust, all wearing bright party hats, and a room full of balloons. "Surprised?"
"Ah... uh... ah..." sputtered the birthday girl, speechless. Envy grinned, taking this as a yes.
Lust picked up a cake. "I realize this is a cheap Betty Crocker mix that we could have made in twenty minutes because we forgot your birthday, but that's not what happened. We remembered. We ordered this huge custom party cake from the best bakery in town and everything,"
"And some idiot," Bradley glared evilly at Envy, who flipped him off cheerfully, "sent Gluttony to go pick it up. But, the important thing is, we did remember!"
"You guys did all that for me? Gave up your Angst Day and everything?"
"Of course, mommy!" beamed Wrath, latching onto her leg happily. "We angst all the time, but we only get one birthday for you!"
"Daw, that's so sweet of you," his "mommy" laughed, turning seriously over to Lust. "All right, Lulu, fork over the cake and nobody gets hurt."
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A/N: well, one of these days I'm bound to learn how to end short stories... until then, ignore the abrupt, not-really-endings and review!