Cristina is sitting on the couch staring at her first mistake. She never should've taken that key. Sipping her coffee she pulls the mug away from her lips looking with disgust at the brown liquid. She never should've taken the coffee either.
Not a person to make mistakes she doesn't understand how she seemed to be making so many. Instead of being involved in the Denny LVAD debacle she should have been with Burke or asking Bailey for help. Then came the brilliant idea to leave when he got shot and needed her more than he ever had. She was so freaked out she didn't know what to do and there was so much going on but she was wrong. She should've just stayed in that room with Burke and sat with him like a truly supportive girlfriend would have. Still unconvinced whether Burke had or ever would forgive her, Cristina had never forgiven herself that she was so concerned with not being able to answer his question that she put him second that day. She tried to fix it by supporting him during his rehab. She went too far by encouraging him to hide the tremors. She didn't realize he still had them until she witnessed it in the morgue. His words sent an ache through her heart. She had never seen him so panicked and hated herself for being blind to what had been going on. Hearing the man she loved so deeply tell her that he would basically be nothing without his hands was too much for her to bear. She understood Burke's fear of not being the best and that if he was not the best everything else in his life would be meaningless or disappear. They could work together to fix it until he got better. That was something that she could do to help him, and, she desperately wanted to help him be the Preston Burke he wanted to be. She was determined to put him first that time. It wasn't supposed to last this long. She didn't think so many people would be hurt by their deception.
It's true that she pushed him with all of her talk about physical therapy and getting back to the OR. She assumed that he knew she focused on getting him back to work because she thought it was what he wanted. They were a team and it was their goal not her goal. She never considered that not returning to work was an option for him. He never told her that but thinking back there were several things he didn't say. It still stung that McDreamy knew about Burke's leave of absence before she did. If he had just explained, if there was something else he wanted to do she would have supported that. What she wouldn't support was self-pity or lounging on the couch all day. If assisting him in surgery helped him deal with things without the depressive spiral she could take that risk. If that was what it took for him to stop feeling sorry for himself, Cristina was willing to do that.
She didn't want to believe that he doubted her but he did. When Burke revealed that Cristina only wanted him because of his prestige as a surgeon she felt as if he punched her in the stomach. It shouldn't have surprised her. How was he supposed to trust that his runaway girlfriend would not be that person? She was raised understanding that her greatest value to those around her was linked to whatever skills she brought to the table and that was what she learned to value in other people. People who failed to perform, failed to contribute quickly lost their value as well as their importance in one's life. She was pushed to be the best at any price, aligning herself with those similar to herself and that was how she lived her life until Seattle Grace. In Seattle, she is friends with a lingerie model, a local who barely made it into the program, a chauvinist wrestler from Iowa and her best friend is her top competition. She should not be friends with any of these people, definitely, not her top competition. If she met them in California, she wouldn't even have had any respect for them, but in Seattle she's willing to make sacrifices and allowances for them. Her attraction to Burke, the renowned cardio-thoracic surgeon, is the only relationship that makes sense yet the fact that he is a surgeon doesn't even make the list of reasons why she is in love with him.
Lost is the only way to describe how she is feeling tonight. She's used to knowing where he is and she's not sure what to do now that she doesn't. The pressure at the hospital was tremendous but she loved working side by side as his intern each day. It was one of the few things that she enjoyed about their secret. Spending that time with him, knowing that he had confidence in her, showing him that she was committed to their relationship. Still things were missing. Burke wasn't Burke. He didn't have to be Preston Burke but she did need him to be Burke. She missed her friends too but she was okay because she had him. They had each other, they were a team. Things have changed again. Now the Chief knows and Burke says they're not a team. Not a person who scares easily, Cristina is terrified about what the future holds. She told Burke she was afraid when she scrubbed into surgery and he assumed that it was because of the risk to her career. She was worried about her career but more concerned that any mistake she made in surgery would cost him his career and reputation. Cristina was afraid that she would fail at protecting him and in the end that turned out to be true. Tonight, she is living with an even greater fear that she is about to lose the life that they have built together. There is no surgery or medicine to fix that.
She has mastered the art of self-protection and its skills of not letting people in, not revealing too much, not losing focus, not losing sight of the goal and, most importantly, not losing the advantage. Cristina Yang took tremendous pride in being the best, taking no prisoners, relying on only herself and she was happy or so she thought. Somehow she had done an awful job of protecting herself against Burke. If anyone asked she blamed it on the hormones from the baby but really she had no idea what it was about him that melted her. He had this knack for keeping her off balance. Sure, he was this amazing surgeon that she admired but what she really admired was that he stood up for Meredith. Stood up for what was right. That single, honorable act intrigued her and prompted her to cross the line that first time with him. She had grown to trust that he would not intentionally hurt her and he hadn't until today when his words roughly pushed her away. She had put the fear that he would walk away in the back of her mind keeping her 'I love you' to herself until the moment he needed something she couldn't give him. Those three words are the last thing of herself she would be able to give him. After that there would be nothing else. Today she realized that she may have held onto her 'I love you' a little too long. Another mistake. Things between them had changed so much since that night in the on-call room when he dumped her. She is terrified of hearing those words from him a second time. She will leave before she listens to him speak those words again.
She feels empty acknowledging that this time their love may not be enough. Since the shooting, nothing she's tried has worked which leaves only one thing left to do. Run. She had spent her life doing it and it is the one thing that has never failed her. The only difference is that those other times she was never attached to anyone or anything, never truly felt at home, never relied on anyone to always be there for her. It doesn't matter. If she tries, starting over is something that she can do. She doesn't have a choice because working with Burke is not an option. She will not put on a show for the hospital like Meredith after her McDreamy breakup. She'll be proactive and speak with the Chief about transferring to another program. It will put her behind but since Seattle Grace's program is among the nation's best if she works hard enough she might not lose much time. There are plenty of excellent hospitals on the east coast and not too much sun. She hated the winters at Smith and does not have fond memories of her first attempts to maneuver her motorcycle in the snow. Seattle Grace had been her only selection, and, she was so sure of her acceptance that there was no need for a backup plan. It was the perfect choice with everything she wanted. Cristina sighs thinking how it had everything she needed too. There's no doubt that she can transfer out of Seattle Grace but she's not so sure she can leave Seattle Grace behind.