Disclaimer: Tolkien owns it all, I just have the original characters.
Loss and Hope
Chapter Five: The River of Dreams
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To a river so deep
I know I'm searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
-Billy Joel, The River of Dreams
TA 2937
Elrohir laid down upon the grass, staring up at the sky in the Golden Wood, trying his best to see the stars through all the branches and leaves. It always seemed such a mystery here, how everything could be bathed in moonlight while the massive trees did their best to hide the stars. He had been here for many days, the actual time having been forgot somewhere in between all the thinking he had done and all the talks he had been subjected to. Arwen, at least, had seen to it that he was now to have some time alone. He had been feeling quite thankful when those first precious moments of a solitary glade presented themselves. Now though, now he was only left alone with his thoughts, the moonlight, and the hidden stars. He could not stop his mind from going back to the cold accusation of his twin, the tentative question of his friend, and the short tale of his father's own struggle.
He never thought it would be this difficult.
Even knowing it would never be an easy choice, he never thought it would be this difficult. Of course, he never thought it would be much of a choice. Even knowing another alternative existed, he had thought in the end it would be the elven side that won out. As the years had past, he began to wonder. There was a restlessness in him, a part that could not be soothed even when he was within his father's realm, a sanctuary for all of Arda. There was a part of him that always wondered, if he should have an elven mate, should they have not met by now? Even his Grandmother had all but told him he would not find such a thing on Arda. He thought he could wait, that he could go to Aman but now, now he also wondered if he could take that final step.
What did Aman hold? Peace? Peace was something that had always been tentative at best in his life, something he had grown up with and yet had gone as swiftly as his own innocence. How did those in Aman survive, all those old warriors, when there was little, near on nothing, to fight for? How could he leave this land, this Middle Earth, where he had always been, never to return? How was it fair that his own choice was contingent on when his father left? And did he have to leave with his father or did his choice have to be made before his father left? How could he be expected to leave all the people he had helped to protect since he had joined the guard?
Elrohir covered his face with his hands, wishing all the questions would stop. He flinched as he felt the tentative touch of another's hand on his hair. Elrohir pulled his hands away from his eyes and looked up into the concerned countenance of his sister.
"You are thinking far too much." Arwen stated.
"I thought one came to the Golden Wood to contemplate." Elrohir said.
Arwen smiled, "On Good Things, not on the dark and the unsure things like you are doing."
"I cannot stop thinking about them. They are the things that drove me here." Elrohir said.
"Did you expect to find answers here?" Arwen asked.
"I honestly do not know. As I have been here, I have found more questions than answers."
Arwen nodded and was silent for a moment. Then she said, "Perhaps the questions are the answers."
Elrohir laughed humorlessly, "Then I fear my life will continue to be one of confusion and contradiction."
"Would it be so meaningful and so delightful if it was so simple and easy?" Arwen pondered.
"Well, in your current state it is very easy to say such a thing." Elrohir muttered.
Arwen moved to lay down beside Elrohir. "Will you tell me now what is wrong with you?"
Elrohir studied his sister and after a moment asked, "Have you ever thought about our choice?"
Arwen sighed and looked up at the hidden stars, "I have not wanted to. I do not feel I should contemplate such a thing until it is time."
"You have honestly never thought about it?" Elrohir asked.
Arwen smiled, "I have never had a reason to do such a thing. I have never felt a pull to that small bit of mortal within us."
Elrohir laughed, "You have not been around many mortals."
"You have, you trust them and have ridden among them." Arwen patted Elrohir's hand, "And you have loved them like a family. I know Arathorn's death must have been so hard for you. You were so close to him."
Elrohir regarded his sister with a cynical stare, "Do you truly have any idea how difficult it was?"
Arwen raised a dark brow, "Elrohir, what are you…"
"Arwen, you have never truly lost someone who is so close to you. Yes, mother sailed, but we will see her again." Elrohir said.
"If we all choose immortality." Arwen answered.
"Yes. But Arwen, you have never experienced death, not like that." Elrohir said.
"I have experienced the death of the elves of our realms." Arwen weakly protested.
"They were not your family, not your friends. It is a hard thing to do." Elrohir said.
"What is?" Arwen asked.
"The letting go." Elrohir was silent as he closed his eyes and took the night air into his body. "Elladan believes I am in love with Gilraen."
"Arathorn's widow?"
"Yes."
"Are you?" Arwen asked.
"I do not know." Elrohir laughed, "And because I do not know I do not think I am. I do not know how I should feel. Everything I could possibly feel for her, beyond the sense of duty I have.."
"Duty?"
Elrohir nodded, "Arathorn once made Elladan and I swear we would protect his family in his absence. So there is that but there is also….the guilt."
"Please do not tell me you feel responsible for Arathorn's death." Arwen said.
"I know it is not rational, I know I should not feel such a thing, but somewhere in there, I do."
"Have you spoken with…….."
"Glorfindel. Of course. He told me it was only natural and some other things, I must confess at that point I was tired of being talked at rather than talked to." Elrohir said.
"Well then, it seems you have done far too much talking and thinking and listening to people talking." Arwen stated, a smile on her face and humor in her eyes.
"And what does my sister recommend?" Elrohir asked.
"That you lie back, close your eyes, and concentrate on what nature has to say. Listen to the wind, the trees, the grass, the night, and find comfort in their ancient wisdom." Arwen whispered, her voice tempting him into a sort of sleep.
Elrohir smiled as he settled back and did as his sister bid, hearing the whispers of the ancients and knowing that the guilt of today and yesterday did not have to be the guilt of tomorrow.
Night had fallen on Imladris and the rains had finally stopped. Estel was curled up in a chair in front of the library fire, having tired of his messenger duties hours ago. Berenon had taken pity on the young boy and had told him tales of the Woodland elves until he fell asleep.
"You are good with him." Eluialeth said as she continued to catalog the books
Berenon turned to study her, having not spent much time with this she-elf. He had not spent much time around her for her time in Mirkwood was spent mostly in the company of her own and Tirnion. In regards to her spirit, Berenon was reminded of his own wife, one never to suffer fools (or the ladies of the court) lightly. Berenon nodded at Eluialeth's words, "I have had much practice with all of my younger siblings. I hope to one day have my own children when some semblance of peace returns." Berenon laughed, "I fear my wife would be more content if we just adopted someone else's child."
"She does not delight in small children?" Eluialeth asked.
Berenon nodded, "She was an aide in the birthing rooms."
Eluialeth smiled, "That would explain it."
Berenon stood up and walked over to the tables to sit beside Eluialeth. "Are you really the daughter of Chief Councilor Erestor?" he asked.
Eluialeth gave him an amused look, "Are you really the son of King Thranduil of Mirkwood?"
Berenon laughed, "I simply mean to say you do not appear as sharp as he does, nor as, and I mean no offense, cunning and cruel."
Eluialeth shrugged, "I am young yet. You also still have much to learn about me. I fear I am quite known for my sharp tongue and my brutal honesty. Your father found my criticism of his library quite amusing."
"Contrary to what many seem to believe, my father finds many things amusing."
"Did you come here to tell Tirnion he must return? You do not appear to be in a rush." Eluialeth said as she continued on with her duties.
Berenon admired her ability to nonchalantly ask such an important question. He quickly answered her, "Oh, you do not waste time. While I did come to tell Tirnion his respite might be cut short if the situation with some of our human allies gets worse, I am more here as a messenger."
"With an escort." Eluialeth muttered.
Berenon protested, "Of a mere four elves. It is quite dangerous for any to travel alone at this time."
"That is not the only reason you traveled." Eluialeth said, her eyes noting the tension in Berenon's body.
Berenon smiled, "You do not happen to be related to Tirnion's mother, do you? You have very similar attitudes."
"Since I am Noldor and she is Silvan, I fear that is not possible."
A wicked smile spread across Berenon's face, "And you hope it is not as well, not to violate the kinship and marriage laws."
Eluialeth narrowed her eyes, "I am afraid I do not know what exactly you are alluding to."
Berenon laughed softly, "Oh, you may not now, but you will eventually understand it. Now," Berenon said as he stood up, "If you will excuse me I need to see how my elves are settling in."
"I am sure they are fine." Eluialeth said.
"They are, I just do not wish to be in your presence when you figure out what I just insinuated for I fear that ink may be slightly acidic." Berenon hurried out of the room, trying his best not to laugh at Eluialeth's puzzlement.
Glorfindel pulled Morwen to the side, "You should go speak with Tirnion."
Morwen raised a brow as she took a step away from him, not wanting to arouse suspicion, "Have you heard something?"
"None have seen him since Berenon delivered his message." Glorfindel said.
"Do you know what said message detailed?" Morwen asked.
Glorfindel shook his head, "Neither have shared such information with me."
Morwen smiled, "So this is not merely a 'help Tirnion' moment but a mission to find information for you."
"Not simply for me, for the good of the realm and of Arda." Glorfindel stated.
"Is that what you tell your soldiers?" Morwen asked with an amused shake of her head.
"I believe we have also had that conversation before." Glorfindel said.
"I am sure many of our conversations will be repeated as time goes on." Morwen said.
"Morwen…"
Morwen sighed and began to turn, "I will go seek out Tirnion."
"Thank you." Glorfindel stated as he gave her a slight bow.
Morwen nodded and walked out into the gardens, scanning the area for the sign of Tirnion's silver hair. She took in a deep breath, enjoying the smell of a world that had just seen a rain pass by and smiled as the moonlight captured the strands of Tirnion's hair, the sliver of silver peaking out through the leaves of a tree.
"How do you hide at night?" Morwen asked as she approached him.
Tirnion laughed, "I know how to hide when I do not wish to be found." He moved to the side, making room for Morwen on the tree branch as she scrambled up the trunk, "You must also remember, with such a massive shadow, moonlight is not so common in Mirkwood." Tirnion said, keeping his comments on Morwen's climbing to himself.
"I must wonder, if you wish to be found, why climb up here in the first place." Morwen said.
"Because often when we hide, we do wish to be found but only by those who are truly looking for us with good intent."
Morwen settled herself, wiping traces of bark off of her dress, "You appear to have thought on this quite a bit."
Tirnion nodded, "I have certainly had the time to in recent years. I will have more time it appears."
"Berenon did not come to take you back?" Morwen asked.
"Berenon did not come to take me back, at least not yet. I have been warned not to become too idle for there is much unrest between Mirkwood and its tenuous allies. The dragon is certainly not helping matters." Tirnion said with a resigned tone in his voice.
"Does Legolas no longer speak with the dragon?" Morwen asked.
"No, alas they had a falling out. My second has also been injured, therefore the council, and not my soldiers, have elected a new head of the guard." Tirnion spat out.
"From your tone I take it you are not pleased." Morwen said.
"Besides the fact that Berenon or Legolas should have been given the chance to lead, the elf they picked is a complete and utter fool with the penchant for falling asleep on duty." Tirnion stated as he hands tightened around the branch he was holding on to.
Confused, Morwen asked, "Why did they pick him?"
"Because he is one of the high councilors' sons. They also made this decision when all three members of the royal family were off fighting on one of the borders."
"Should that not render the decision invalid?" Morwen asked.
"One would think. However, it was approved by the elf Thranduil had left in power."
Morwen's eyebrows rose, "That elf is in trouble."
"Berenon told me said elf has become quite paranoid. Thranduil refuses to even look at the elf. I know he would strip him of all his titles if he could, but such a thing cannot be done in our current state. Even invalidating the decision without proper cause will raise an issue. If someone argues the child of a councilor cannot lead the guard, then I will most certainly be stripped of my position." Tirnion said.
"You do not think this is an attack on you?" Morwen asked.
"Morwen, I do not know what to think. I am not there, I cannot see their faces and I cannot know what is going on but it does seem oddly suspicious that they wait until I am no longer in reach."
Morwen settled back on the branch with a sad smile, "Ah, politics and diplomacy."
"Lying and cheating and every which way they can." Tirnion grumbled.
Morwen laughed as she rested her head on his shoulder, "At least you may continue with Estel's lessons. He was quite upset when he thought you were leaving."
Tirnion laughed softly, "He does have the power to encourage me to stay even if I did have to leave. Elrohir will return soon, though, and I will be regulated to the status of 'just another elf.' It may just break my heart."
"I am sure you will always be special to Estel. You are, after all, his first archery teacher. Those things tend to be remembered."
Tirnion nodded, "Sadly, the thought of such a thing brings my own level of homesickness. I have been away from Mirkwood for longer than this, but now, I am finding myself missing my family."
"There is intrigue going on in your realm, it is only natural you would be worried for your mother and sisters. You feel you can protect them more if you are there." Morwen said.
"Not that they need protecting, at least not from me." Tirnion said, remembering times when he tried to do such a noble deed in the past.
"There is nothing wrong with missing your home, Tirnion, and if you left early it would hurt us, but we would understand." Morwen said.
Tirnion shook his head, "Even when I go to Mirkwood, there are still things I miss here."
"Things or people?" Morwen asked.
"People." Tirnion answered.
Morwen smiled, "People or person?" she asked.
Tirnion gave her a look, "People. I miss more than one."
"But do you miss one more than most?" Morwen asked.
"I thought you were above idle gossip." Tirnion said.
"Tirnion." Morwen answered in a dry tone.
"Foolish of me, I know." Tirnion said.
"I do believe I know this one person more than most." Morwen said, going back to the earlier issue.
"It could be you for all you know." Tirnion protested.
"Not possible." Morwen said.
Tirnion shook his head, "Very possible. I do miss you dearly when I am gone."
"And yet, while you were here, it is not my presence you have spent the most time in."
"You observe much to well." Tirnion stated.
Morwen smiled, "It is my duty, it is your duty, it is.."
"Are you two coming down from there anytime soon?" Elladan asked.
"Oh, look who has returned." Tirnion said.
"Yes, and he is not climbing the tree. Odd, it used to be one of his favorite habits." Morwen said.
"Should you not be greeting Rian?" Tirnion asked.
"I will, but I need to speak with Morwen." Elladan said.
Morwen sighed, "You do know there are plenty of other elves to speak with."
"Yes, but you are so dear to me and I know what I say to you will only be shared with a few others." Elladan said.
"Then can you not just say your piece in front of Tirnion so as to save us time in the eventual end."
"Well, I do not believe Tirnion has much to say on this topic, but it concerns Elrohir."
Tirnion nodded, "He is correct, I do not have much to say on this topic. I personally believe Elrohir should be left to his own devices since it is his own decision and that he needs to search deep within himself to find the answer that is best for him. Any persuading from our side will probably not work when the poor elf is so obviously torn."
Morwen gave a curt nod, "I must say, I agree with Tirnion on this."
"Yes, will, Tirnion is not the one who faces losing his twin brother to a mortal fate and a woman who so clearly will never love him, not in the way he so desires." Elladan said.
"My, does this not sound hauntingly familiar?" Tirnion asked.
Morwen patted his shoulder, "You and I both overcame such a past, though the span of our life did not come into play." Morwen turned to Elladan, "Elladan, Elrohir has never said whether or not he has love for the mortal woman we shall not name while I am up in a tree and you are down on the ground. I do agree that yes, she will never care for Elrohir in such a way as you are assuming Elrohir cares for her, I must also state that Elrohir himself does not know what he feels. Nor do I believe Elrohir will make such a decision without much thought. His mind is his own on this matter and whatever he will choose, you have to support him Elladan."
"So easy for you to say." Elladan stated, ignoring the fact she had just answered him like she did a foolish person who came to the councils.
Morwen let out a deep breath. She said, "He is as dear to me as he is to you. Yes, you are his twin brother and yes, that is an undeniable bond, but do you not also have a bond to Rian now, a bond your twin cannot equal? Do you not see that you are also starting to drift away from him and truly become your own elf, as it is to be done?"
"So it is my fault…" Elladan stared.
Morwen gave Tirnion a bored look before she made her way down to Elladan. Clasping Elladan's shoulder she said, "Elladan, you must realize, this is Elrohir's decision and has little to do with you. You are his twin, but it is his life. Furthermore, it is a decision I personally believe is a long way off, you do not have to worry about it now."
"But he has gone to the Golden Wood." Elladan protested.
"Only to think, Elladan. He needs time away from us all and from the ever present her to think." Tirnion said from the branches above. "It is something I know well."
"And while he is gone, you should do your own thinking." Morwen gave his cheek a soft pat, "Honestly, you act as if you two have never been separated before."
"It is long since we have been."
"But it is not the first time." Morwen smiled, "Now, if you will excuse me, I have to get back inside."
"I thought you came out here to comfort me?" Tirnion asked.
"You are comforted and I got the information I was required, now I must start spreading it through our network." Morwen said.
Tirnion laughed as he jumped down from the branches, "Ah, politics."
"Curious minds, more likely." Elladan said as the group made their way inside.
"At least there are many guests and many new stories to hear." Tirnion said.
"But first, Elladan, you need to go see Rian." Morwen stated.
Elladan ducked his head, blushing, "You are, of course, correct." Elladan hurried inside much to Morwen and Tirnion's amusement.
"You should go to the library." Morwen said.
"Request or order?" Tirnion asked.
"A requesting order." Morwen said, laughing as Tirnion nodded and ran up the staircase to the library.
The night had passed from darkness to the pale light of morning and only a few elves were still left wandering the halls among them, Morwen and Glorfindel.
"Tirnion is left torn then." Glorfindel said as Morwen finished her short report on the day's conversation.
"Aren't we all?" Morwen asked.
"The problem does seem to be arising that we all need to be in more places than possible. I must confess, having heard some of Tirnion and Berenon's concerns, I am almost tempted to go to Mirkwood." At Morwen's look Glorfindel said, "Not that I would, mind you."
"No, no need." Morwen let her voice come to a stop as one of Gildor's people came around the corner, surely headed in the direction of the library. Morwen and Glorfindel both gave a nod in greeting to the elf before continuing on their own way. "Will you let Balanauth return with Berenon?" she asked.
"I am pondering it. We have Thranduil's seneschal, he should at least have my second, especially when Tirnion's second is currently in a healing bed for quite some time."
"It will indeed take some time for those burns and breaks to heal."
"Which is why we do not taunt dragons." Glorfindel said.
Morwen smiled, "We do not know so much if it was taunting rather than a simple inquiry with a cranky dragon."
"Morwen, have you ever met a dragon?" Glorfindel asked.
Morwen shook her head, "That is one creature I have not met."
"Sadly, I have, and they are rarely anything but cranky as you say."
As they started to walk up the staircase to the chambers, Glorfindel pulled Morwen close, "Are you well?" he asked.
Morwen gave him a confused look, "Why do you ask such a thing?"
"You are very close to the twins and Tirnion, their pain is in some ways your pain."
"Theirs is not so much pain as confusion. I am well, Glorfindel, as are they."
"Or as they will be." Glorfindel muttered as he opened the doors to Morwen's chambers, casting a watchful gaze over the corridor for signs of any others. They had become much more cautious as the years had gone by and the few random attacks on Morwen had occurred. The threats had also increased, but those had increased to all councilors. Due to the threats it had become official policy that no councilor, even Erestor himself, was allowed to leave Imladris without at least one member of the guard with them. Glorfindel was not taking any chances, not this time, not anymore.
Morwen's room was dark as usual, the pale light of dawn barley making its way through her small window. Glorfindel waited as Morwen lit one of the candelabras, quietly contemplating why he never asked Mithrandir to place some sort of spell on the candles in the room. The wizard could manipulate fire and light, surely he could do something about this.
"Stop that." Morwen said.
"What?" Glorfindel asked.
"Silently critiquing the supposed inconvenience of the light in my bedroom. I like the dark and we can see in it."
"A little more light would not…" Glorfindel stopped at Morwen's look, "I know, it is not you. You like the darkness and the cold, the winter and all things that apparently make you appear to be named properly as a 'dark lady.'"
"And by some odd twist of fate I am with you, golden braids and all."
Glorfindel laughed as he came to stand beside Morwen, placing a soft kiss on her neck, "I see it as a perfect balance, a union."
"How idealistic." Morwen muttered.
"I am attempting to be a sort of romantic, please try to control your cynicism."
Morwen nodded, "Of course."
Glorfindel reached up and began to undo her plaits, letting her hair free from its constraints. He lightly ran his fingers through it, working out the snarls being far too comfortable in his current position to move for the brush.
"What will you say to Elrohir upon his return?" Glorfindel asked.
"First, for Elrond's sake, I will ask him when Arwen plans to return. Then I will tell him the only thing I can, that no matter what he decides or whenever he decides it, I will stand by his decision. How can any of us do anything different?"
Glorfindel kissed Morwen's temple, "You are a very good friend."
"You would do the same." Morwen murmured.
Glorfindel shrugged, "In all honesty, I do not know. Having lived and died and am living again, I do not know how I feel about a half-elf giving up their immortality never to return. Though it is not my place to judge."
"I have faith in you." Morwen stated as she pulled away and moved to her bed, sitting down as she gestured for Glorfindel to follow. He did and smiled as Morwen curled into his side.
"Tell me a story." she whispered.
"Now you wish to hear my tales?" Glorfindel asked, laughter in his voice.
"No, do not tell me of battles or dragons or any other such thing I can read in countless books and accounts. Tell me of something that was never written down, of a normal day that sticks out in your mind."
Glorfindel smiled, "An account of a normal day?"
Morwen nodded.
Glorfindel stretched out, "Well, there was this one time in Gondolin when Ecthelion was juggling knives….."
Elladan stood out in the gardens, having crawled out of his bed unable to sleep. He stared into the sky, watching the nigh slowly fade into the day.
"You will not find the answer you seek in the sky." Rian said as she came to stand beside him, a hand running through his unbound hair.
"I could find it." Elladan argued.
"The only answer you will find in the sky, Elladan, is the answer to what time of day it is and what the weather will be."
"You could be more philosophical about this, could tell me that with each new day comes hope."
"That is what I have you for." Rian reached up, placing a soft kiss on Elladan's lips, "The answer you seek can only come from Elrohir and we both know you will not get that answer for some time."
"I do not know why there even has to be a debate over this."
"Would you deny your brother happiness?" Rian asked.
"At this cost?" Elladan asked.
"But if he is happy?"
Elladan sighed and shook his head, knowing he could not argue with such a thing.
Rian nodded and pulled him into the house, "Come to bed, Elladan. You need to preserve your energy, for Estel has been making noises about riding lessons and in Gilraen's current state, I fear she would agree to it."
Elladan smiled and followed Rian inside. He turned his head, giving one last gaze to the horizon, knowing his brother and sister were doing the same in the Golden Wood, he could still feel them awake as he traced the lines of their connection. He smiled when he felt them acknowledge his query, feeling the flooding of warmth and reassurance from his siblings. He would support Elrohir in his choice, even if it meant one day losing this connection, it was for this twin, his brother, and he could do nothing else.
A/N 1: Sorry about the delay, the real world of grad studies made itself known.
A/N 2: Thanks:
Renna, being a twin myself (though I have odd circumstances surrounding it, but still), it always irks me when people paint twins as one single entity. It's just not how it is. Just because you look exact, have the same genetic code, etc, you're still different people. So, yeah, I like to try to make "my" Elladan and Elrohir different. The dynamics of the family line Morwen (and in my story Erestor) is descended from will come more into play in future stories…especially with the eventual journey to Aman. Thank you again for the review and am still so happy you are enjoying it.
Nima, well, usually I time manage so I can have a night to write (though sometimes like this past week, I have too much work to do) so that's how it happens….though it might also be some sleep deprivation. Some chapters come easier than others though, so that can also help how quickly the chapters come out. Having siblings, yeah, I have many of those "I love you but I dislike you right now" moments. And yes, with Aragorn growing up there will be a lot more Arwen. Thank you, as always for the reviews!