Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Just the same thing you read over and over again in every fic.

Warning: This takes place in Season 12, so if you don't know what happens it will ruin everything.

This is my first fic so...

Anyway, I want to thank Eva Cale (Bel Vezer) for her support and help with this fic. And also Kira (elohimdancer319) for her help as well with grammar mistakes. English isn't my main language so I do apologize for any mistakes I might've missed. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy! Please review!

I have called Coburn's office to setup an appointment. Luckily, since she understands the importance of it, I got one for today so I go to the lounge after my shift is over to get my things. As I walk out to the admin desk I see Luka. Ok, so I can't just disappear. I have to tell him...

"Oh, you off already?"

"Yeah… I've got a doctor's appointment."

"Oh…" I can tell I caught him off guard.

"I'm going to see Coburn" I continue, trying not to speak too loudly. He looks at me, and his eyes are full of concern.

"Coburn?"

"At her practice" I explain.

I need to start moving before he offers to come along. I start walking out of the ER and he follows me closely behind...

"Ah… I'll… get Clemente to cover me" he's looking back at the admin desk trying to find him but I cut him off:

"It's ok… You're working…"

Stay working please!

"No, I should come with you."

"It'll probably be easier if you didn't…"

I don't want to hurt his feelings. I just need to do this on my own. It will be... It's already difficult for me to go when I'm not yet sure what I'm going to do... We reach the ambulance bay and I want to get out of here before I change my mind.

"Hey… Hey…" he grabs my arm gently and makes me face him.

I don't have to courage to look him in the eyes. I'm afraid of what I'll see. Pain. Anger. Disappointment?

"When I say I want us to keep it you don't like the way it sounds…"

It's not that I don't like the way it sounds it's that I'm scared of what it will mean.

"But anything else is a lie…" he adds.

I know… I want to scream that I know but…

"Luka…" Chuny is at the door calling him, he looks at her. "Neela is waiting for you to sign on the Ramsey girl."

"Get Clemente to do it." He tells her.

"He's MIA." Chuny walks inside the ER and then he looks back at me.

I can see the pain in his eyes and it's breaking my heart. But I can't tell him yet, I'm not sure what I'm going to do… I don't want to hurt him.

"I don't know what else to say."

"Don't say anything." I mutter. I have a knot in the pit of my stomach and I'm feeling sick. I can feel his gaze penetrating me. I really want to hug him, let him hold me tight into his arms but I need to go. I can't stay… I just can't… I turn around and start walking away. I have to remind my legs to keep moving and don't look back.

So here I am at Coburn's office waiting for her. There are children playing around me; pregnant women alone or with their partners... Great! This is great, especially when I have to make a decision. I'm watching a woman rock her baby to soothe him and I can't help but picture myself in her shoes. Could I do that? Can I look after a child? Once I become a mother there is no turning back. I'll always be his or her mother till the day I die. And then I also think... If I decide to end this... what do I tell Luka? How do I tell him I don't want to? Can I do this to him? He lost his kids, two to the war and one that he isn't even aware of. I can't do that to him... I just can't hurt him... but then, I'm not going to have a baby because I don't want to hurt Luka. I have to make this decision because it's what I want.

"Abigail Lockhart?" the nurse behind me is calling my name.

Ok, God... I turn around to face her. Eventually I get up and she ushers me into Coburn's office.

An hour later I feel the cold wind against my face, making me feel alive. I made the right choice, I just need to tell Luka now. But first I need to walk, I can't face him now. I start walking without knowing my destination. I'm surrounded by people walking around minding their own business, they probably have their own choices to make.

I reach the lake and find an empty bench to sit down. The lake looks so peaceful. Serene. The antithesis of what's happening inside me right now. It's cold right now but I don't care. I like it. The slight discomfort. The pain of the wind on my face. Without it, this could all be a dream. There are so many things that are going to change now. My life is never going to be the same. I've never been good with change. Always resented it. And now… here I am. Luka's life isn't going to be the same. I can't believe that one of my choices can affect us in such a way. A life... a human being, another person... I just decided that...

"I went by your place but I figure you might come home this way…"

He startled me. I turn around to find Luka standing close to the bench. He found me? How on Earth did he find me? Of all the places in Chicago how did he know I would come home this way? I could've taken the El for God's sake! What do I tell him now? I'm speechless, I move my face around to look at the lake once more. How do I tell him?

"I don't want everything we have to come down to this one decision... We can get past it… You did what you had to do… Doesn't mean we can't be together…" he says softly.

Oh my God, he thinks I did it. He actually thinks I did it ... and he doesn't hate me. Ok, I have to tell him. I can't let him think I went through with it.

"I didn't do it… I couldn't…" I look in his eyes trying to gauge his reaction. The wind is playing with my hair and brings it to my face. I move my head around.

"I wanna keep it..." I continue.

Wow... I just said it out loud. And I want to keep it. I really do. I want a baby. This baby.. We are having a baby... He finally sighs. He must've been holding his breath there…

"I want us to have this baby." I add more confident this time.

His face hasn't changed much, maybe a little more relaxed. He looks relieved though... Everything is going to change now... What is he thinking? He walks to the bench and sits down next to me. He takes my hand into his, holding it tight. I'm looking at the lake, letting him take in the news. Minutes later I place my head in his shoulder. I'm exhausted. I hadn't realized it till now. Life changing decisions can be overwhelming.

"What made you change your mind?" he finally asks.

I'm shocked by the question. I was getting accustomed to the silence encircling us. I look up to him.

"I don't know. You, me... everything..." I let the words float in the air for a while as I try to collect my thoughts.

"I was... I was sitting in the waiting room … surrounded by pregnant women, children, fathers, mothers... And I couldn't stop thinking I could be one of them in six months. That I can bring a child to this world. A life... a real person… it's just overpowering... and miraculous … and I couldn't destroy that… not again."

I'm looking at the lake again. Luka's arm moves around my back, holding me close.

"Thank you..." he whispers.

I turn to face him once more and I'm shocked to see a tear rolling down his cheek. He's crying? Oh Luka...

"You don't have to thank me. At least not yet. Though I'm grateful too, for everything. The support over the past days and all. I know I was driving you crazy... I was driving myself crazy..." I'm smiling now at the thought of that.

The struggle I've been through over the past weeks, the dilemma hunting me every single minute of the day. Luka's gaze and questions, my uncertainty, my insecurities. I'm feeling more relaxed now. I know things are going to be more complicated, it's just the beginning after all but still... I'm not alone and we'll face it together. And right now, I can say I'm happy. As happy as I can be. He's smiling too now. He bends down and kisses me softly on the lips. I welcome his kiss, and let him hold me. Eventually his arms relax a little around me and I shiver in cold.

"Wanna go home?" he asks.

"Yeah." I nod.

Together we get up from the bench and we start walking to my place. No words. We don't need them. And I know that even though, what we have may not be perfect, it's just right and it's going to be okay. And I'm fine with that. With the way things are. Just the way they are.