Chapter 1: Breaking Up

I sighed as a stepped out of the steam filled bathroom. I'm mostly a "morning shower person," which helps make up for the fact that I am by no means a "morning person." Showering in the morning serves as my intermediate step between dreaming blissfully and facing reality. I use that time to wake up and either muse on what my sleeping self envisioned, or I fret about my worries of the day and what needs to be done. It's a good time to organize my thoughts and get a start on my daily life.

But tonight, my body screamed to have an evening shower. I had been sick for the past week with some sort of flu or cold. It was only the third week of August, practically still summer, and I had already caught whatever bug was going around. My first illness of the season, but probably not my last, I had thought bitterly all week. I had just graduated in the Spring and thought that getting away from the close living quarters of college life and class would isolate me from the dreaded sickness bug for good. I had been wrong.

Today, Sunday, was day nine since I had first fallen ill, and I was finally back to some semblance of my normal self. I had even called my boss earlier in the afternoon to start rescheduling hours at the library, and had attended one of my practices over at the dance studios. It didn't feel great to know I had to go back to work in two days, but it had felt fabulous putting on my shoes and dancing again after what felt like years, even though it had only been days.

That great feeling only lasted until I got home later in the evening and my body decided to rebel. I couldn't remember feeling this sore in...years! I had been training nonstop in dance for so long I had truly forgotten what those first muscle cramps and pain could feel like. It would take at least a week for my muscles to relax out and remember their pre-illness flexibility. The shower I had just finished had certainly helped a lot. The almost scalding hot water I was accustomed to had delivered some relief for my aching muscles. Plus, I could always do some stretches later on after I dried off to help with my flexibility. I had tried staying limber through the past week, but instead of more torture to my body, I had opted to lay on my couch and watch the TNT Network's "Primetime in the Daytime" while downing Sudafed and other cold remedies.

As I stepped out of my room, now changed into pajama pants and a tank top, the aura of illness slightly less pervasive, my roommate called to me from our kitchen. I trudged in to see what she wanted.

"Hey, Christine! Wow-- you look a million times better!" said Meg cheerfully.

I had to smile in agreement. "Thanks, I feel a million times better, too. The wonders of a shower. I might switch to night showers all the time now. You know, wash off all the problems of the day."

Meg pursed her lips. "Yeah, but then it will be impossible to get your ass up in the morning."

"True, true," I laughed at her point. We continued chatting about our plans for the upcoming week, what we had going on in the ways of work, and when we could find time to go shopping to replenish our sadly bare refrigerator and cupboards. Meg jumped suddenly and got that "I-just-remembered-something" look on her face. I waited.

"Chris, I forgot to tell you-- Randall called while you were in the shower. Actually he called twice. And he wasn't that pleasant with my either. Have you been avoiding him or something? He sounded, like, really desperate to speak with you."

I sighed. Randall. Not a subject I really wanted to think about at the moment. I had been using my week long illness as a semi-excuse to not speak to him. But now that I was getting back into my life, I knew that wouldn't hold up for long. I looked at Meg. She was waiting for some sort of confirmation or denial about my ongoing aloofness towards my boyfriend.

"I don't know, Meggie. I haven't been trying to avoid him, I guess." Such a lie, Christine! "I just haven't really felt like talking to him this week, what with being sick and all." I hoped she'd let it drop, but Meg knew better.

"Okay, I don't actually believe that's all that's going on. Even before you caught the flu bug, you hadn't been going out much. Seriously, is something going on? I don't want to be super blunt, but really--do you want to break up with him or something? If so, avoiding him-- yeah, not helping."

Did I want to? I thought sadly to myself...

Despite her plain-spoken phrasing, Meg did genuinely look concerned. I think she took it upon herself to be our relationship guide and counselor. She was the one, after all, who had set Randall and I up three years ago. At first the relationship seemed perfect. Randall was smart, so polite, and, excuse me for saying, really attractive! He came from a great family, had solid direction in life, and he really knew how to charm a girl. Meg introduced us at a party one night, and almost immediately we clicked. I honestly felt like I had known him my whole life. Like we had been childhood sweethearts or something. That's how great we meshed together.

He was a three years older than me, so when we met during my sophomore year of college, he was getting ready to graduate. I figured after he got out of school he'd move on to some high paying finance job, we'd split up, and that would be that. I was determined to make it fun while it lasted. However, after his graduation, it kept lasting. Randall did get a great job with a finance firm, Smith & Associates, through an old connection of his dad. Smith & Associates was one of the best firms in Boston, and at first I was so excited for him. But after two years of working there, things began to change. Randall's job started to completely take over his life. We stopped going out as much, hardly saw each other, and he was always irritable.

We had had a pretty deep heart to heart after things looked like they were disintegrating, about a year ago. I had been ready then to call it quits. I was going to be starting my senior year of college, I was starting to dance more and more, and couldn't worry about Randall's moods anymore. I thought that was the direction our talk was going to go in-- breaking up. But somehow, it hadn't. I was never really sure had Randall had managed to spin things to make it seem like we should keep going. But we did.

The last six months had been the roughest. I was dealing with all my finals, and preparing to graduate. After May, I began dancing professionally for Boston Ballet. I was no Prima Ballerina, but I was getting by, and just loved the opportunity to perform. I had always grown up wanting to perform. My father had been a musical director and my mother had been a singer. When I was young, I wanted to sing onstage just like my mother. Although, instead of voice lessons, I started off taking dance, like most little girls, when I was 4. Dance just stuck. It wasn't that I didn't like singing or that I was bad at it. People always told me I had a nice voice. I just wasn't exceptional. And without training there wasn't much to do about it when I got older. But I kept dancing and that seemed to fit. And after my parents accident...

Meg's cough interrupted me from my thoughts. Then I remembered her question...Were we breaking up?

"Honestly, Meg, I don't know. You've seen what the past six months have been like for us. I've been so busy dancing and working in between. Ever since Randall started working at the firm, he has been putting all of his energy into that. That's been almost two years now!"

"But I thought you and Randall worked some of that stuff out last year?" Meg countered.

"Well, we sat down and had a pretty major talk. I guess we 'worked things' out at the time. But, Meg, surely you can see it hasn't kept up." It was almost a question, but I didn't really expect her to answer. She didn't. So I continued.

"These past six weeks or so...something has been different, Meg. I don't know just what. I mean, Randall and I had major problems before. We still do. But he's been acting so strangely lately. He seems completely stressed out all the time. He gets really short with me. We argue over everything-- the littlest things! At first I just thought he was working too many hours. But it seems like it's something else. I couldn't name it at first, but now I realized what else is going on..." I hesitated. Should I really go on and tell her? Meg was my best friend. I could see concern and a hint of curiosity in Meg's eyes. Well, no stopping now, I guessed.

"He's... Randall...well, he's been acting almost paranoid lately. Very jumpy. Always watching over his back, like someone is after him. He's being so cryptic. Like, he has some big secret he doesn't want me or anyone else to find out. Almost like he's leading a double life or something." There, I confessed what was on my mind. In a way, I immediately felt better. I had my suspicions about what was going on with Randall. But it would be great to get someone else's opinion.

"Do you think...do you think he's been cheating on you?" Meg asked hesitantly. "I mean...looking over his shoulder, being nervous... maybe he's trying to make sure you aren't being seen by someone else, another girl?"

"As much as I hate to admit it, I thought that way at first, too. I mean, it would explain so much. But the more I think about it, it can't be that. Meg... he isn't just paranoid, like he's going to get caught out in public two timing by another girlfriend. It's almost like he's scared. Terrified. I see so much fear in his eyes. And I can't figure it out."

"Well, you're never going to figure it out by not returning his phone calls. Now, before you get all defensive, I get it. I always thought you two were perfect together. But, you're right, even I can see that things aren't going well, even after you guys talked it over last year. Actually, I'm honestly surprised you haven't killed him yet!" Meg joked.

"It isn't that I don't love Randall...but that spark isn't there anymore. I don't know. Maybe that certain "something" isn't meant to last between two people for so long. And I don't know if I want to dump him. But I would like to know what has been going on. Even if I don't stay his girlfriend, I still would care too much about him to let something tear him apart. And whatever he's hiding...that's what it is doing-- tearing him up inside. I can see it, Meg."

Meg looked thoughtful for a moment, in silence. "Well... Chris...you have to talk to him. Just get him to open up. Maybe you won't stay together. But he should at least be honest with you."

I nodded. "And I should be honest with him. Maybe I have been playing my 'sickness trump card' a little too much lately."

"Exactly!" Meg smiled. "So, get on that phone and call him before he rings another fifty times and interrupts my television time!"

I knew Meg was right. I couldn't put it off any longer. We stayed chatting for another half hour, then Meg went off for her "much deserved television time." If I had to teach 4th graders all day, I would probably want nothing more than TV time myself. But right now I had other things to do. Like call Randall.