Chapter 3: Conversations and Tea
Although I had been dancing for almost three hours, it felt like a matter of minutes. On my good dancing days, I would get into this zone where nothing else mattered except how my body was moving, and how I controlled myself. On these occasions, time always flew by. Dancing takes amazing self discipline. Often that is what makes or breaks someone's career or shot at making auditions.
Today had been a good day of rehearsal. I was still sore, but for the first time since I had gotten back into it, I felt entirely focused. I looked around the room at the other dancers, many of the girls I had known all through college, and who were all trying to make it as a dancer like I was. The studio we rehearsed in was really nice-- a large room, basement level, so it was a bit cooler. It was bright, well lit, and had a soft, but sturdy floor. On three of the walls were permanent bars for practice and helped with balance. The remaining wall contained a tall row of mirrors to watch ourselves as we danced and helped to keep our focus up. Nothing is worse than a dancer who looks at her toes. In the corner of the room by the door was a Steinway upright piano for live accompaniment. A lot of people used the studio to practice singing, dancing, or playing when it was empty.
While everyone was getting ready to leave, I hung back a bit, taking more time than was necessary to take off my shoes and pull my street clothes back on. I pretended to fuss with my bag until I noticed everyone else had left the room except for me and my instructor, Mrs. Giry. I had known her for several years now, and could always count on her to be honest about my performance. Her critiques were not sugar coated in anyway.
"Mrs. Giry?" I asked hesitantly to get her attention. She looked up and noticed me standing behind her through the mirrors.
"Oh, Christine! You're still hanging around. I thought everyone had left."
"I wanted to ask you about something... I have an audition coming up soon, for Opera Boston..." I started.
"Oh, yes-- Hannibal, is it? I seem to recall reading about it in The Globe. Going to be quite the production from what they're planning, I hear."
"Exactly. They're looking for the best--dancers and singers," I edged forward. I knew what I wanted to ask her, but was afraid of what she might say. As if reading my mind, she interjected--
"And you want to know if I think you can make it?" she smiled.
"Well... in a nutshell, yes," I gave a nervous half chuckle.
"Christine, I have seen you dance for the past few years. You are a beautiful dancer. You have all the technique, by far some of the best I've seen. You just seem to lack some of the heart. Now, not all the time. Sometimes, when you dance I can see how much you mean it, how much you want it. You dance as if there is a fire in you. Such as today. Other times, you seem empty, devoid of the emotion, as if you are lost. I won't presume to know what causes this change. I know about your past, with your parents...but I don't think that is entirely it." She paused, as if thinking about how to continue.
"Don't lose the fire, Christine. Let it burn in you every time you dance, whether it is here in the studios, on the grandest stage in the world, or even in your own bedroom. Draw it out of you, from the inside. Kindle it with your passion."
"So, light my fire, and I'll be in Hannibal?" She laughed at the way I trivialized her speech, but she knew I had understood what she said.
"In your manner of speaking-- yes. As far as dancing is concerned, I think you will blow them away. You get better and better every year. You just need to keep confidence in yourself. Remember, if your face doesn't reveal your errors, no one will notice."
"I think that only works for little girls in recitals, not for women who are doing the biggest auditions of their life!"
Mrs. Giry smiled warmly. "You will be fine, Christine. If you want, you can reserve this space for private rehearsal time at night. There is hardly anyone here that late, so no roommates or boyfriends to distract you."
Boyfriends! Shit! I thought to myself. By clearing my mind before I began dancing, I almost had forgotten about my meeting with Randall. And all at once I felt like I had a much bigger worry on my hands than the audition. I quickly ended my conversation with Mrs. Giry.
"That's a great idea, Mrs. Giry. I'll check my schedule at the BPL and see what nights I want the space. But, right now I've really got to run. I forgot I have to be somewhere sooner than I really want to be there." I started to move toward the door.
"Alright, Christine. Just let me know and I will put your name on the list. I'll also come up with a list of some extra things you should work on before the audition."
"Thanks! I'll see you later." I moved out into the hallway and turned the corner, flew up the stairs and back down into the lobby. I nodded a quick hello and goodbye to the front desk sitter and headed out into the warm afternoon air.
I had been thinking and planning what I wanted to say to Randall the entire night before. As I started to walk to where we were meeting, I got a wicked case of the nerves. Back-up support was needed. I whipped out my cell phone and dialed Meg as I walked back down Clarendon Street. Luckily she picked up in two rings.
"Hello?"
"Meg! It's Christine. Moral Support needed now!" I cried into the phone.
'Where are you?"
"Just left the studios."
"Headed to speak with Randall?"
"Uh-huh!" My voice had reached a high pitch whine.
"Where are you two meeting exactly, anyway? You never told me."
"Tealuxe. A nice safe neutral, public place."
"Hmm... a tea bar. Well, at least it's not a real bar. He can't break any beer bottles and come after you if you piss him off too much," she joked.
"Yeah, but chipped porcelain teapots might hurt as well," I laughed. I knew Meg would make me feel better, if not less nervous.
"You will be fine. Don't worry. Just be firm, and stick to it. You need to make yourself happy too, you know," she advised.
"I know. I know. I'm just freaked out. I haven't had much experience with this sort of conversation." And that much was true. I'd only had one boyfriend in high school, and it was hardly serious at all. I had only been 14. I think I had dumped him online. Way classy, I know.
"Just be strong. And try not to laugh when he breaks down into tears. It will kill the mood."
"More like when I break down into tears! I'm too sensitive... Anyway, I'm at Boylston now, so I'll be there in like one minute. Wish me luck!"
"You know you have it. Either way, we'll do a chick movie night tonight and gorge ourselves on Ben & Jerry's."
"Alright, Phish Food," I ordered.
"You know it!" And with a chuckle she was gone. I put my phone back into my purse just as I got to the corner of Clarendon and Newbury Street where Tealuxe was located. It was a great little cafe that had some pretty good sandwiches and other small items. But it's main thing, as if the name didn't give it away, was tea. They had a menu with maybe fifty (or more!) different teas. It usually took me ten minutes to decide which one I wanted. Everyone got there own personal little teapot and cup, and when the waitress brought out your drinks, she would set a little plastic sand hourglass, like from a board game, on your table. When the timer was up, your tea was ready to drink. It was really quite charming.
During the summer and warmer weather, the tea bar had a tiny fenced in area outside in front with small metal cafe tables so people could sit outside to eat, drink, and people watch. It was one of my favorite places to go. It was at one of these outdoor tables that I spotted Randall's golden blonde head of hair from behind. He was wearing an expensive looking outfit-- dark black dress pants with a navy blue button down shirt, and matching tie. His briefcase was sitting beside him, leaning up against his chair. He had obviously just come from work.
I came up behind him and put my hand on his shoulder, and he instantly jumped, startled by my touch.
"Jumpy, aren't we?" I said dryly.
"Christine! God, you scared me, don't sneak up on me like that!" he snapped.
"Well, who were you expecting? You're acting totally paranoid," I tried to say it nonchalantly, but inside I was so damn curious as to why he kept acting the way he had been. If he would just be honest with me, things would be so much easier.
"No one... I'm fine. You just startled me." He stood to greet me, and immediately came in to give me a quick kiss on the lips. I turned my head so that he landed on my cheek. I couldn't make this harder for either of us. We both sat down, and the waitress, on noticing my arrival, came to get my order.
"Just some Earl Grey, please," I said confidently. I couldn't be bothered with my usual ordeal of trying to select a new and exciting tea.
"Wow-- that's some strong stuff," Randall stated.
"I'm exhausted from dancing, plus Meg woke me up early this morning as she was getting ready for work. The joys of living with a teacher. I just need a little pick-me-up," I explained.
"Meg. And how is the black-haired beauty these days?"
"Oh, you know Meg. Always perky, always cheerful. She has to be to work with kids."
"She sounded pretty irritated when I've spoken with her over the phone the past week," he countered. I wondered if he said that to point out my obvious phone avoidance. So I tested him.
"Well, I think she's been irritated that our phone has been ringing nonstop." The gates were open, and we were officially off. A lot sooner than I had hoped.
"Christine, about the past week-" he started, but I cut him off.
"Randall, before you say anything, just hear me out..." It was now or never. I wanted to at least have some civil conversation, but things just started moving too fast.
Last night, as I had been planning possible conversation scenarios, I had completely planned on just breaking up with Randall, one-hundred percent. It wasn't some new revelation I had just gotten. I had been wanting to break up last year. Or at least I had thought about it then as well. But, it was like every time I tried, I got scared. I couldn't do it. And so we stayed together.
Today I had been ready to launch into my break up speech. The whole "let's be friends" bit, the good old "I'm just so worried about you" drama, the "you can't even be honest with me" accusations. I wanted him to tell me what was going on, to be honest with me. But I didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore.
But as I looked at him sitting across from me, looking sad, bewildered, and scared... I just couldn't do it. You really are too sensitive, Christine, I scolded myself. The expression on his face was too much for me. I couldn't dump him, not entirely anyway.
"Do you want to break up with me?" He looked incredulous. It was my turn to be startled by him, by what he said. How was everyone reading my thoughts today?
"No, Randall. I...I don't know. I just think... I just feel like it would be best if we took some time off from each other." It was the half truth. I wanted to take some time off...just permanently.
"Is there someone else? Is that why you've been avoiding me? Have you met someone else?" He was almost shouting. I nervously looked at the other patrons around us.
"No, it isn't anyone else." It's you! "You've just been so mysterious lately, Randall. I don't know what to think. You won't even me honest with me when I ask you what's wrong."
"It's nothing, Christine. I'm just tired."
"Is it something at work? Is something wrong in your office?" I probed...maybe I would get something out of him after all. My previous conversation planning came back into my head.
"My office?" He laughed, but it was such a bitter laugh. I didn't know how to interpret it. "Work is... I just...I can't tell you, okay, Christine? Can we just leave it?"
"Fine, keep it to yourself! Don't you see? This is why I think we should take some time apart. You obviously don't trust me enough--"
He cut me off. "I do trust you enough! And care about you enough to just not involve you with it."
"Is something really wrong, Randall? Are you in some sort of trouble? If you can't tell me, who can you tell?"
"No one, and that's the point."
I paused for a few moments, then began again. "Whatever, Randall. I think a little separation will do us a world of good. I've got my own shit to worry about. But I won't burden you with it, since you can't or won't even give me the same courtesy." I was pissed now.
But he got that hurt look in his eyes again, and I wondered if I had gone to far.
"Do you...do you want to see other people?" he asked hesitantly.
I sighed. "No, I don't." That also wasn't entirely a lie. "I think we just need to be apart for awhile. You obviously have stuff going on in your life you don't want me a part of-- And-" I started before he could interrupt- "I have a huge audition coming up that I really need to focus on. I just need some time where I won't feel guilty for not returning your calls, or for not being with you all the time. We just need space. Let's just wait awhile, okay? Maybe in awhile we can both work some things out together. But right now, I just want to be on my own."
He looked at me, completely dejected. But he sighed, and I knew I had gotten my point across.
"Maybe...maybe we should. I mean, I know how important your dancing is and stuff. I don't want to bog you down. Just as long as we could be a couple again..." he trailed off.
"Randall, like I said-- I don't want to date the next guy who comes along. I don't have some guy waiting in the wings. I just need some time to seriously think about us. And we'll go from there, alright?"
"Alright," he agreed, if somewhat reluctantly. We were silent for awhile, drinking our respective teas, knowing that after this moment, when we left, nothing would be the same between us again. I could tell he didn't want to be the first to leave, to end what we had. So I made the move.
I started to reach into my bag to get some money out to pay, but Randall stopped me.
"No, Christine. Let me get this okay? Just for one last time."
Don't break down, don't break down. Do what Meg said, stay firm.
"Randall, it won't be the last time. This isn't the end. I just need time and space." I lied to him, I could lie to myself too and maybe start to believe the things I said.
He seemed to finally give in, and didn't try to stop me as I stood up to leave.
"Just, call me sometimes, okay, Chris? I want to know how the audition goes."
"I will," I promised. "I hope you work out whatever has been getting to you. I hate seeing you like this." And I did. "Goodbye, Randall."
"Goodbye." He kissed me on the cheek, not even bothering to go for the lips this time. I appreciated the gesture.
I gathered up my things and began to walk out of the seating area and onto the main sidewalk. I crossed the street, continuing to head down Clarendon. Just before he was out of sight, I took one last look back at Randall, still standing there awkwardly at the table. I smiled and gave a small wave, then turned again to walk home and relay the afternoon to Meg.