Strange Alliances
by Erestor
Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, or the Harry Potter series. This story was written for entertainment purposes only.
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CHAPTER NINE
'But the Temple itself was unshaken, and Sauron stood there upon the pinnacle and defied the lightning and was unharmed.'
- J.R.R. Tolkien, 'The Silmarillion'
"Who wants to try the first piece?" asked Lórien, staring at the pizza.
It was large and circular and came in a box made out of some sort of thick brown paper. It had been cut into ten slices. Sauron had ordered three of these things. The math was simple: they each could eat six pieces.
Fëanor looked at the four others, who were gawking at the pizza as though it might suddenly attack them. The problem with Valar was that they never seized the initiative. He sighed. "I shall try it," he said.
"Here's some stuff to sprinkle on it," said Sauron helpfully, passing Fëanor three cylindrical containers. Each container was made of clear material, and had a lid with holes in the top. One container was full of white power, one container was full of pieces of green herbs, and the last container was full of crushed peppers.
Fëanor gingerly picked up a slice of the pizza (it was hot), and put it on the flimsy paper serviette. He sprinkled some of the green herbs on top. Everyone watched as he lifted up the floppy food and nibbled on the pointed end.
"Is it good?" asked Lórien.
"What is it made of?" asked Nienna.
"It is some kind of bread," said Fëanor. "There is a sauce on it, of a kind that I have never before tasted."
"What's the white stuff?" asked Sauron.
"I think it's some form of dairy product," said Fëanor.
"You mean it's from a cow?" asked Sauron. "That's disgusting."
"Only when one thinks about it," said Lórien.
"Which is true of a lot of things," said Nienna.
"What about the red stuff?"
"I have no idea."
"Mandos, do you know what the red sauce is made of?" asked Nienna.
Mandos shook his head.
"Well, it doesn't matter, because I'm starving," said Sauron. "Cut me a slice."
Nienna passed him a slice, and took one for herself. Tasting it, she decided that it was fairly good. Strange and foreign, but not too horrible. She could eat it. Lórien was still staring at his slice doubtfully, and Mandos was stoically choking down his own portion.
Sauron poured some peppers on his piece of pizza and began to rapidly devour it. "Mmm, this is good," he said.
"Is that why you're crying?" asked Nienna, daintily sprinkling some of the white powder onto her slice of pizza.
"I like spicy food," said Sauron, coughing. He drank some of his root beer. "If you think this 'pizza' is bad, you should have seen some of the things I've had to eat in my career."
"I hope you are not going to tell us anything that would put us off our food," said Nienna.
"I wouldn't do something like that," said Sauron, chewing."Orcs make awful cooks, I'll have you know, and even worse meals."
"You've eaten Orcs?" asked Fëanor, fascinated.
"You've eaten Orcs?" asked Lórien, at the same time.
"A few," said Sauron. The Maia tried to look as nonchalant as he could with tears streaming down his face. (He decided not to put so many hot red peppers on his next slice of pizza. It was too humiliating.) "And I've eaten some other things," he added, mysteriously.
The other four realized that this was the perfect moment to get some insight into the mind of a Dark Lord.
"What exactly are Orcs good for?" asked Nienna curiously.
"Not much," growled Sauron. "They make good minions, and that's about it. When confronted by even minor odds, they die in ridiculous numbers. I have to make my own clothes, because if I give them a needle and thread they try to stick it through the Orc closest to them. And I have to prepare my own meals, since theyeat their food raw and I do not."
"What tribulations you suffer," said Fëanor, who could be just as sarcastic as the Valar.
"I'm thinking of adding a few humans to my personal staff," said Sauron reflectively, ignoring the Elf.
Lórien had a question of his own. "Why did you make Rings of Power?" he asked.
"I considered making Lucky Horseshoes of Power, but I thought they would be too hard to conceal," said Sauron, who could be just as sarcastic as Fëanor.
"True," said Nienna. "And what's the point of corrupting horses?"
Sauron smiled, unfazed by Nienna's comment. "I suppose I could have nailed the Lucky Horseshoes on human volunteers. Pity that the idea never occurred to me."
There was silence for a time. Large quantities of pizza were devoured. Eventually Lórien spoke.
"For your information," he told Sauron, "the next time you stand in the ruins of your temple in a storm and taunt us, we are going to smite you with a lightning bolt."
"Maybe four or five lightning bolts, just to be sure," said Nienna.
Sauron licked his fingers clean and began eating his fifth slice of pizza. "Am I supposed to be alarmed by this threat?" he asked. "You know that Manwë does not condone violence."
"We have convinced him that lightning bolts are a very non-violent way of killing someone," said Nienna.
"'Quick and clean' was the way we phrased it," said Lórien.
"Perhaps the next time I shall taunt you on a sunny day," Sauron said. "What will you do then?"
"Have you ever heard of the phrase 'out of the blue'?" asked Nienna.
"I think you are bluffing," said Sauron.
"You could try taunting us now," said Lórien threateningly.
Sauron shook his head. "I do my taunting best on an empty stomach, and it helps to have an admiring audience."
"It is high time that we discussed something different," said Mandos from his corner, having finished eating his ration of pizza.
The others quieted, though Fëanor shot Mandos a black look. He was not fond of Mandos.
"The people of this World have a strong influence on our World," said Mandos. "Any guesses as to why and how?"
"I think it's the computer device that is doing it," said Lórien.
"It's the people," said Nienna. "We know it's the people."
"At least they haven't affected Valinor," said Lórien, resigning himself to Nienna's theory.
Nienna nodded. "Yes, Valinor is normal."
"Perhaps Valinor is not the way it should be," said Mandos. "How would we know?"
Lórien and Nienna looked worried.
"Perhaps the people created you," said Fëanor mildly. "Perhaps you are only the product of their imaginations."
"What?" gasped Nienna. "How dare you suggest such a thing!"
Sauron had the books open. "The first part of The Lord of the Rings was copyrighted in the year 1954," he said. "And The Silmarillion was copyrighted in 1977."
"What year is it now?" asked Lórien. "Sauron, go to the counter and ask that man who's been staring at us the whole time."
"I'll sound crazy," muttered Sauron, but he got up and went over to the counter. He returned in a moment. "It's the year 2005," he said.
"No wonder this is such a backward place," said Nienna. "They've only been around for two thousand years!"
"It could be their sixth or seventh Age," said Lórien. "Go and ask the man what Age it is, Sauron."
"No," said Sauron. "He already thinks I'm loony."
"So only about fifty Earth years have passed since our history was first recorded," said Nienna.
"Wait a moment. Does this mean that Jarr Tolkien is Ilúvatar?" asked Sauron, staring at the front cover of The Lord of the Rings.
"It's Jrr, not Jarr," said Lórien.
"Well, I don't know how to pronounce 'jrr'," said Sauron.
"He's not Ilúvatar. He can't be," said Lórien with no realistic conviction.
"It does not matter anyway," said Nienna piously. "We can never know Ilúvatar's mind, so we can never know if He is Jrr Tolkien."
"I think you Valar invented the concept of Ilúvatar," said Fëanor, sulking.
The Valar ignored this blasphemous comment, though Mandos mentally added a few thousand years to Fëanor's sentence. Then he said, "When our history was first created, everything happened the way it was supposed to happen."
"And then teenage girls took over!" said Nienna, becoming enlightened. "Now I understand!"
"When do the books end?" asked Lórien.
Sauron turned to the end of the book. "There's lots of Appendixes," he said.
"You're getting sticky red fingerprints on the book, Sauron," remarked Lórien.
"Oh horrors," said Sauron, who didn't care.
After a moment he added, "Here's a time line!"
"Perfect,"chorused Nienna and Lórien together.
"Here is the very last entry on the time line," said Sauron, and began to read it aloud. "Year 1541 of the Shire Calender: In this year Fourth Age (Gondor) 120 on March First came the Passing of King Elessar. It is said that the beds of Meriadoc and Peregrin were set beside the bed of the great king. Then Legolas built a grey ship in Ithilien and sailed down Anduin and so over Sea; and with him, it is said, went Gimli the Dwarf. And when that ship had passed an end was come in Middle-earth of the Fellowship of the Ring1. How touching," the Maia added, shutting the book.
"Remember what Manwë said?" asked Nienna excitedly. "He said that history looped around each time Legolas set sail for Valinor."
"That's because, at that point, history ends!" cried Lórien.
"Who is this Legolas, anyway?" asked Fëanor.
"My pizza has gotten cold," said Sauron mournfully.
"You're ruining our moment of triumph," said Nienna, sipping the last of her water.
"What should we do now?" asked Lórien.
"We shall return to the library," said Mandos. "There were many computer devices in the library. We can find someone who will write something for us."
"What will we write?"
Mandos looked thoughtful. Then he said, "We shall make history safe for the inhabitants of Middle-earth. Somehow."
When Fëanor wasn't looking, Sauron stole the last slice of pizza.
TBC...
1The Return of the King, by J. R. R. Tolkien, closing lines of Appendix B