Strange Alliances
by Erestor
Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, or the Harry Potter series. This story was written for entertainment purposes only.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
"'Those who pass the gates of Barad-dûr do not return.'"
-J.R.R. Tolkien, 'The Fellowship of the Ring'
The years passed.
Rivendell was a nice place, but it got boring.
Glorfindel and Nienna flirted now and then, but only when Mandos and Lórien were watching.
Fëanor found new creative ways to scare Elrond.
Mandos read all the books in Elrond's library.
Lórien slept most of the time.
Every time things got really boring, a girl would show up and try to take control of the Elven realm.
Fëanor and the Valar found new creative ways of killing such girls.
One morning, Mandos trudged into the library to shelve books.
The window was open. Papers were spilled all over the floor, splattered with ink. Erestor was nowhere to be found.
Mandos took a deep breath, trying not to smile. This was a serious matter, after all.
He hurried away to find Fëanor, Lórien and Nienna.
Bad days are when a squirrel gets loose in your bedroom and jumps all over your face, thus rapidly waking you up, and then you find out that Glorfindel didn't write the extremely lengthy report you asked him to write, and it's due in half an hour, and a lot of books are dropped on your foot by the clumsy idiot who was returning them.
Really bad days are when a panicked squirrel jumps all over your face in an attempt to get out of your room, you find out that Glorfindel didn't write the extremely lengthy report, (and it's due in five minutes), the clumsy idiot tries to cripple you (and nearly succeeds), and then a bunch of Sauron's evil minions hop through the library window as you're trying to write the extremely lengthy report in your remaining two minutes, and they clap a sack over your head and haul you off to Mordor.
Erestor was having a really bad day.
It did, however, make him viciously glad to know that Sauron's evil minions were having a really bad day too. For Sauron's minions, a really bad day can be defined as the day in which you try to haul Erestor to Mordor.
Erestor wasn't cooperating. Not that he was kicking or screaming. That would have been undignified. Instead, he was being very calm. He was calmly telling the evil minions about the myriad of things that could (and probably would) go wrong with their evil plot. Erestor had spent his whole life thinking of what could go wrong with the best laid plans. He had quite a list.
This was the equivalent of anyone else prattling happily, only it was more annoying.
Erestor had not yet mentioned 'divine intervention', but in the end, divine intervention was what saved him. The three Valar had quickly worked out what had happened to the Elf, once he had disappeared with an extremely lengthy report left undone. They had made Glorfindel draw his festivities to a close, announcing that they would rescue Erestor before Sauron got him. Glorfindel was most unkindly disappointed by this.
Mandos, Nienna, and Lórien, who had been walking briskly all morning, caught up with his kidnappers at last. Fëanor trailed behind them, utterly bored.
Tragically for the evil minions, they never stood a chance. Catching sight of the Valar bearing down on them, they dropped Erestor and tried to run for their lives, but too late. Mandos waved his hand vaguely and performed his own little trick. The evil minions died quickly and quietly, their spirits moving directly to the Halls of Mandos without passing 'go'.
"I did not know that you could do that, Mandos," said Fëanor, wide-eyed.
Mandos shrugged. "It's not that hard," he said.
"Could I learn how to do it?" asked Fëanor.
"No."
Meanwhile, Lórien and Nienna tipped Erestor out of the sack. He sat up and glared at them, not exactly the picture of a grateful-to-be-rescued Elf. "Thanks," he said irritably.
"You are welcome," said Mandos. "Now hurry home before it gets dark."
"You have a very important report to finish, after all," said Lórien.
"Yes," said Erestor. Then he asked, "Are you not going back to Imladris with me?"
The Valar glanced at each other briefly, and Nienna said, "We are not."
"There is someone we need to visit," said Mandos.
Erestor nodded. "All right," he said. "I'll tell them you died in an avalanche." He hurried away through the woods, back in the direction of Imladris.
The Valar watched him go. Then they set out for Mordor, having decided that it was time to see what exactly Sauron was trying to do.
Sauron was trying to catch an Elf that would read the mysterious Inglish book to him. He had sent out his evil minions a few months ago, and was hoping that they would return soon. While he did not have the military strength to attack and destroy Imladris, such a covert mission would not jeopardize his other plans.
Sauron was also trying to build a machine, according to the guidelines pictured in the other book. As of yet, the machine did not work. He had built several beautiful engines for it, but they had all exploded. The metals he had used to make the machine were too heavy, and Sauron did not know what material had been used to encompass the wheels. It was very frustrating.
Everything else was going swimmingly.
Of course, it was only a matter of time before something unpleasant happened. Sauron was an optimist, but even he knew that things could not go swimmingly forever.
The Dark Lord had just finished questioning one of his prisoners himself for a change, and was in a good mood. He hummed ominous tunes to himself as he listened to the scouts' reports.
"Master," said Five, "there are some... people approaching Barad-dûr."
The Ringwraiths had decided that the best time to tell Sauron bad news was when he was in a good mood. Sauron knew that they had decided this, but he did not know why.
Sauron stopped humming as his good mood died an untimely death. "How did they get past the Black Gates?" he asked, surprised and annoyed.
"Er, well, we aren't quite sure," said Five.
"What do these people look like?" the Maia demanded. "How many are there?"
"Four," said Five. "And, well, er, we think that three of them are, er, Valar."
Sauron might have been very short, but when he lost his temper, he was still a scary sight. He stormed out of his hall to investigate the new problem, ranting about the Ringwraiths' incompetence and threatening retribution in all its painful forms.
One look at the three Valar and Fëanor standing outside his gates, and Sauron's missing memories came back to him in a sickening rush. He whimpered and collapsed against a nearby wall, remembering everything. Amanda-Lynn. Harry Potter. Computers. Pizza. Benny and Sammy. The tea-cozy.
Oh, the horror and humiliation of it all!
"Are you all right?" asked Five.
"Never better," said Sauron through gritted teeth.
"That's good!" said Five, oblivious to the suffering of his lord.
"Open the gate!" yelled Sauron.
The gate was opened.
Sauron stomped out to confront the Valar.
"Hello, Sauron," said Mandos.
"What are you doing here?" snarled Sauron in a less than friendly fashion.
"We thought we should pay you a little visit," said Nienna.
"Maybe stay in Barad-dûr for a few thousand years, to keep an eye on you," said Fëanor.
"Don't worry," added Lórien, seeing Sauron's expression. "We won't interfere with your preferred form of administration."
"You most certainly will not!" said Sauron, agreeing. "In fact, you will leave right now, before I get angry and unleash my Ringwraiths on you."
Mandos snorted. "The wraiths of men are hardly a threat to us, Sauron," he said.
Sauron gaped for a moment as this information sunk in, and then he shut his mouth firmly and stalked off, muttering under his breath.
"I've only just realized how much I missed the poor little dear," said Nienna. "He needs someone to get his life back on track."
Mandos and Lórien gave their sister dubious glances, Fëanor gave her a scornful one, and then the four of them strolled over to the Dark Lord of Middle-earth, who was kicking a wall in frustration.
"Calm down," said Nienna. "We aren't going to ruin your life. We just need somewhere to stay."
"There are all sorts of happy, friendly little Elvish realms all over the place," said Sauron, "despite my best efforts to stamp them out. Why can't you stay in one of them?"
"We like your company," said Lórien.
Sauron glared up at them. "Please don't insult my intelligence," he said. "I may be half your size, and look half your age, but I am conquering the world and I am not stupid."
"We want to make sure you don't do anything too evil," said Mandos.
"Oh? And what would be classified as being 'too evil'?" asked Sauron.
"I am not telling you, because I do not want to give you ideas."
Sauron sighed in disappointment.
"I thought you were supposed to be ugly," said Nienna randomly.
Sauron looked startled, but he said, "It's a myth I prefer to perpetuate."
"Along with the myth that you are three meters tall?" sniggered Lórien.
Sauron gave him an icy look.
"Well? Are you going to invite us inside?" asked Lórien, after a few minutes of awkward silence.
"No. I'm going to leave you out here to rot."
"No, you are not."
"Yes, I am."
"No, you are not."
"Yes, I am."
"That's what you think."
"It is indeed."
"Sauron, you do not have to invite us in," said Mandos. "But perhaps you would like to keep an eye on us."
Sauron began to look thoughtful.
"Because there are all sorts of unpleasant things we can do if we put our minds to it."
"All right, all right," snapped Sauron at last. "You can stay in Barad-dûr. But you can't interfere with my work, and you can't give me lectures on converting to the good side, and you can't turn up your noses at whatever food you're served for dinner. Agreed?"
"Agreed," said the Valar in unison.
"Agreed," said Fëanor, after a moment's thought.
Sauron gifted them with a bright, endearing, positively wicked smile. "Well then, do come in," he said, sweeping a low bow.
TBC...