Title: Bless the Broken Road

Author: lyricalpeach

Summary: Ray's conversation and situation with Katey started my brain turning. After that, it churned on its own, in and out of the gutter. Spoilers for S13, Heart of the Matter and Jigsaw, future speculation. No ER action.

Rating: FRM. (you can read pretty far down without hitting it though)

Disclaimer: Without Prejudice. All the ER characters are property of NBC. No infringements of these copyrights are intended, and are used here without permission. Please don't sue me. The other words are my own. Please don't steal.

Notation: Ray's thoughts 'Neela's thoughts' Abby's thoughts Katey's thoughts (I'm not going to put Gates' thoughts in here.)

Chapter 3

Neela reached Abby's apartment door and dropped her things inside. She'd always berated Ray for doing such a thing… 'Gosh, I've become a slob recently, haven't I?' She pushed aside her pile of laundry and sat down on the couch. Without hesitating, she dialed Tony's cell, but he didn't pick up. Since he was supposed to be home getting ready for their date, she paused, then dialed the home number he'd given her. The answering machine picked up: 'Hi, you've reached Meg, Tony and Sarah. Please leave a message and voices chiming in together in a singsong way We'll get back to you soon..'

Neela hung up. 'Sounds like a family to me.' She knew about Meg and Sarah, but it sounded more permanent and serious than what Tony had told her. She felt like the outsider and wanted to sink into a crack in Abby's floor. What kind of message could she possibly leave?

She called back Tony's cell and left a message. "Hi Tony, it's Neela. I can't make it tonight… actually, I think we should talk. Give me a call later." She'd tell him she couldn't see him anymore at least over the phone – voicemail was a bit crude for such things.

'At least I won't be seeing Tony anymore. Maybe I'll actually start learning how to be with myself.' Deep down, Neela knew she shouldn't lean right back onto Ray.. she had to stand on her own two feet first, something she hadn't yet been able to do.

000

Stuck on the idea that Neela seemed to be coming around, Ray couldn't think what to do. He had only gone out with Katey because Neela had pushed him away so hard. Now, he had asked Katey out. The problem was, he only did it to get back at Neela for driving him away and then thrusting herself at Gates so disgustingly. Ray knew Neela had feelings for him, but he wasn't sure they were enough. It was that hint of hope that kept him from keeping up the charade, even if it meant he might hurt Katey's feelings. The sex had been physically satisfying, but he knew what he could have with Neela would be so much greater than that, and he didn't want to be that guy anymore, the one who could get sex but not love. He wanted more.

Ray dialed and heard her pick up. "Hello?"

"Hi Katey."

"Ray, hey. Are we still on for tonight?"

"Actually…" Ray had that sound in his voice indicating he was really sorry, BUT… Here it comes.

"You know what, don't say anything. I know what the reason is already. See you around, ok?" Katey had expected this to happen at some point, given Ray was so obvious about letting his eyes wander in Neela's direction anytime she was within sight.

"Wait, you know?" She knows I've been using her when I'm hanging on to Neela?

He's clueless, and totally hopeless. He was fun, though… "Ray, you're as transparent as glass."

Gulp. "Ummm.." Ray was stumped. Was he that easy to read? What in the heck could he say to that?

"Thanks." He could have liked Katey more if Neela had never been in the picture, but he couldn't lie to himself. After seeing Neela with Gates, he was angry. But now, he wanted, no, needed to come clean with himself, and he couldn't do that when he was using Katey to get to Neela and pretend he was okay. He felt sorry for Katey, even though she seemed casual about it and could tell he wasn't all there. She didn't deserve to be used like that. He lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling for an hour before he drifted off.

000

Mmmmmm… Breathing heavily in his sleep, Ray heard a soft knocking sound. Neela, honey, is someone at the door? Nooooo, don't go get it… Dreaming Ray made puppy dog eyes at her. She gave in. why is that knocking getting louder? Go away, we're BUSY… The knocking became very loud.

Startled, Ray woke up. He looked at the clock.. 6:30am?? Who could possibly be here? More rapid knocking.. "I'm coming, I'm coming! Who is it?"

"It's Neela." What in the heck is she doing here at 6:30am?

Grabbing yesterday's jeans from the latest pile on the floor, he pulled them on and headed for the door, tripping as his sock caught on a floorboard. The loud thunk of his other foot caught her attention.

Ray opened the door. Neela was standing there looking like she was smothering a smile. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing." 'Wrinkled jeans, bare chest… mussed hair.' She must have appeared in such disarray when Ray came to fix her cable, Krispy Kremes in hand. Neela sighed a bit at her view and tried to stop her imagination from running wild. 'Ray, sleeping in his boxers..'

Ray noticed the sigh and gave her a curious look. "What?"

'Was I staring that hard?' When she didn't respond, he focused in on her expression, was she daydreaming a bit? ?? What is she doing here ??

"Soo… what are you doing here?" Ray squinted a bit in the early morning light streaming into the living room.

"You said to come and get my mail." Oh, right. Neela gave him a look. "Since you've been bringing it to me all this time, I'd become very complacent about being grateful." She smiled, a little sadly perhaps. "I thought I'd come in person to say thank you, and not just for the mail."

Ray was silent for a moment, slowly absorbing her not just for the mail comment. Coming out of his brief reverie, he stepped a bit closer, and reached behind her to reach for the mail stacked on a table by the door. Snatching it up, he held it out to her, but now they were standing with only a foot between them. He stared down at the mail, and she began to take it slowly from his hands. Neither of them said a word.

I can't move, it's happening again! Ray felt frozen. For several seconds he couldn't think, and then suddenly a heat turned him from ice into a slow-burning fire. He pulled his eyes up to look at Neela, but her eyes were still staring at their hands on the mail. He maneuvered one hand to cover Neela's, still holding the mail, and the other on the outside of her forearm, the same place his hands always touched her to pull her out of the way of a rolling cart or.. or when he tried to tell her he was there for her that day on the roof, over six months ago. He stepped even closer, squeezing the mail between them and gently letting his chin rest on her head.

'It's happening, it's happening…' Neela was glued to the floor, her eyes closed. All the energy between them was building. The warmth reached her toes and burned at the top of her head… 'Ray?'

Neela felt hot. She swiftly lifted her head, knocking Ray's chin and his head back and making him pull his hands back out of surprise.

"Ow!" What happened? Ray rubbed his chin. Neela gave him a look that said, Sorry.

"Ray, I thought you were seeing Katey." Neela took a step back slowly and landed against the door with a soft thump.

"I was, but I'm not anymore." Ray looked guilty. Do I have to be this transparent?

"I heard that you asked her out to make me jealous. Is that really true? I'm surprised at you, Ray." 'He used Katey? How could he do that?' Ray hunched over, looking so cute and slightly pouty, his guilt drawing his eyes down.. she was now staring at his eyebrows, his lashes, and the tip of his nose, his lips almost hidden. Ray looked up at her, his lips parted for a moment. He sucked them in for a moment, and then opened them.. Neela was mesmerized. She stared at them, forgetting their conversation.

"Neela, I saw you. What exactly is it you think I should have done?" Ray spoke with calm and a hint of sadness. He had dealt with this long enough and the anger was gone. 'He saw me…what? Oh, my God!' Neela jolted back to reality and immediately was overcome with shock at his admission and shame. She looked away, remembering that ridiculous incident... What could she say? She thought, 'He did it because of me.'

They stood there for a moment while Ray waited for Neela to gather her words. "It was a mistake… I just.." Neela trailed off. "I was running away." She looked at Ray. "When Michael died, all the guilt I had about my feelings for you, about betraying Michael's faith.. You were a reminder of everything that went wrong." Neela looked away again. "It doesn't mean I wanted to avoid you, I just felt like I would betray Michael even further if I came to you."

Ray was so relieved to hear Neela finally talking to him that he almost missed what she was saying.

"And I'm not seeing him anymore." Neela looked up at Ray again, her eyes determined to make him understand. She'd finally gotten past her guilt enough to know he was what she needed, the one she'd taken for granted, the man she really wanted. "I need you to know that what you saw... was just desperation… to escape, and, uhm.. hormones leading me in the wrong direction."

So she's done with Gates? She actually sounds like herself again. Except still a little unsure… I know how that feels… As Ray realized she could theoretically mean he was her direction, a hopeful warmth flowed through him. He longed to press her to the door, press himself against her just to hold her close. Not yet, not yet.

Ray nodded. If she was done talking… maybe.. well, that didn't mean she was ready to be with him. I've gotta hold back for now.

Neela looked at Ray intently. He gazed piercingly into her eyes, waiting.

"Well, thanks for letting me come get my mail." Neela gave him a small smile.

Ray's heart melted at the corner of her mouth turning up again. "Anytime."

He paused, and with an adorably fetching smile said, "So, did you bring me any breakfast?"

000