This is chapter two and the final of yet another challenge from my dearest sis, The Writer, You Fools, and shall be two chapters. The challenge was thusly! Oh, and yes, we talked about it, and a oneshot just wasn't enough.

Dearest Bro of mine:
Since you asked for it, I challenge you once more!

The challenge is thusly:

An AU, PWP (Alternate Universe, Point-What Point?) oneshot (one chapter) of Kingdom Hearts. You must use the three main characters (Sora, Riku, and Kairi) and two other supporting characters.

Bashing is encouraged!

Chapter 2: Cages, Round Two, and That Guy

Sora held his breath as the judge conferred with her advisors for the official round scoring. The results would not be announced until after the fight for the sake of swift transitions between rounds, but of all the distractions boiling in that arena a gigantic woman with a nose to put Cyrano de Bergerac to shame seemed the most magnetic to the eye. The Queen of Hearts possessed a face like a boat wreck - horrible, but he could not keep from looking.

The fight bell rang too quickly for the tastes of either fighter. This time Riku came out of his corner in a furious rush. For all his effeminate tendencies, Riku was still by far the better swordsman of the two. From a casual standpoint that may have seemed unimportant, but Sora knew well that balance, agility, and dexterity meant just as much in a duel as in a fistfight.

Fortunately for him, Riku's punches were the stuff of dreams. Fleeting, insubstantial, and containing far more imagined damage than genuine. The first jab was repelled cleanly by Sora's mountainous hair. The second the shorter fighter evaded with cat-like reflexes. The third, a straight right cross, Sora blocked with his face.

The arena spun around him for about a split second. Sora could hear the crowd cheering for the punch. Inwardly he cursed them all, at great length. Outwardly, Riku kicked him in the head, and the younger islander dropped to the canvas like a sack of misbegotten donuts.

Oogie Boogie: Yeesh! That looked like it hurt! I'm glad that didn't happen to me. There is no ten count in this sport babies, so if he gets back up, the fight goes on! If he has a brain in that spiky head he'll stay down, though. Get up, boy, I bet Cloud's heart on you!

Cloud: I lost my heart a long time ago…

Oogie Boogie: And I'm sure he was a great guy, too. Let's get back to the action!

Sora found his feet more quickly than he thought he could. Still, his balance was off to the point of swaying on his feet, and he knew that unless a miracle decided to step in, he was done for. He muttered a prayer to the gods of deus ex machina who dwell in realms such as theirs, and prepared to meet his fate. Riku, as per his flamboyant nature, had leapt onto the railing of the cage to play to the crowd. He waved his arms, and posed, and was preparing to toss his parachute pants to the crowd when a spherical projectile sailed through the air and smashed into the side of his head with a hollow plunk.

The crowd exploded, figuratively. Every man, woman, child, and creature in the place was on its feet or tentacles, roaring at the sight of a furious Kairi standing in front of the weapons table. Her eyes practically burned holes in Riku's head, and how she managed to get inside the cage only the unconscious Heartless with the door key would know.

"Who's got the coconuts now, bitch?"

Oogie Boogie: Whoa mama! This match just got more interesting! Our ring girl Kairi just snatched a coconut from the weapons table and wrapped that bad boy around Riku's face! Is that legal?

Tinkerbell: (lands on Oogie's head)

Oogie Boogie: I coulda said it better myself. The answer is: who cares what's legal, baby? Go girl, go! Hit 'im again!

Of course, before Kairi could wind up to fling a second milk-filled missile she found herself fleeing from a dozen polearm-bearing card-men, shouting against their command of 'Off with her head!'. As soon as she was out of sight the crowd promptly forgot her, but Riku's graceless plummet from his perch supplied Sora the time he needed to recover. He knew that he could not match Riku in a fight without aid, and Kairi wouldn't be able to help him again.

It was then that Sora caught sight of the fish.

It was no ordinary fish. Three marine creatures of previously-caught nature lay on the weapons table, but only one held his attention. Riku turned his head as well, as if sensing Sora's intentions.

In unison, the two dove for the table. Sora felt his chances slipping away as Riku reached the table first, but was relieved in an instant. He should have known.

Riku went straight for the eel.

The crowd booed readily Sephiroth Jr.'s choice of weapon, but nearly blew the roof off the place when Sora took up the mighty Swordfish.

"Riku," he bellowed at the top of his lungs, "I challenge you to fishicuffs!"

Oogie Boogie: A bad pun! You can tell the crowd don't like that one. If booing could kill, Sora would be stone cold dead!

Riku smiled a venomous smile that sent a chill down Sora's spine and onto other unmentionables. "Challenge accepted you little brat. Come and get it. Come and face darkness!"

Sora felt a blazing light burn from the base of his soul, fueling him to a speed he had never before reached. Riku was fast heading down the path to cookie-cutter villain hell. The eventual Keyblade master knew that if he did not stop his former friend there, in the West Haven Cage Match, Riku might eventually end up cackling madly, spewing cliché lines, and, most hideously of all, play second fiddle as a filler boss in a third-rate Final Fantasy tie-in world somewhere down the line.

Swordfish clashed against eel in a slow motion exchange that still managed to sound like two blades clanging together. Riku and Sora passed one another, each landing swiftly and neatly, remaining still in the after-swing pose.

Five minutes passed, and neither moved a millimeter. The crowd had begun to file out, thinking that the fighters had simply passed out standing, before the Heartless ushered them back to their seats and referee Abu was called in to check them out.

Oogie Boogie: This is a clear case of anime deathblow misfire. It's a rare disease that strikes when two people of equal skill attempt an anime deathblow at the same time. Cloud, you oughtta know something about that.

Cloud: Normally, this wouldn't happen. Both of them went for the kill shot in the same way. Normally one of them would have fallen down a moment after they both landed, which allows for a dramatic camera angle or angst-filled facial expression.

Oogie Boogie: But that didn't happen here.

Cloud: No. Since neither fighter had more skill than the other, neither is going to fall. And in anime deathblow rules, a fighter is only allowed to move after his opponent has fallen down.

Oogie Boogie: So how do we get them moving again?

Cloud: …..

Oogie Boogie: Oh, blast you. Blast you and your skinny head.

Ten minutes passed. The audience grew more and more restless, and still the officials knew nothing of what to do. Tarzan attempted to shake the fighters to their senses, but no amount of physical roughness seemed to budge them. Abu's successful attempt at robbing them blind had no effect on their stasis either.

"We're gonna have to do something or these fleshies are gonna riot," Hades decided. "All right. Call in the specialist and let's get cooking before heads start to roll and my workload goes up."

Like a lost star the house lights twinkled into darkness. The nastiness exuding from the crowd faded into a curious whisper. A flick of Hades's fingers set eerie pyrotechnics dancing around the cage. Chip and Dale, on cue from the production Moogles, blared a dire march through the house speakers. The familiar chorus lyrics of the Carmina Burana set their hearts to rumbling with anticipation.

A roll of cymbals crashed over the arena , pounding in steady rhythm with timpani drums and horns. The arena regulars recognized instantly the strains of "One Winged Angel". A smoldering buzz began to rise. This fight had suddenly become a true spectacle, and every last spectator knew just what to expect.

Oogie Boogie: This… this is outta sight, children! We haven't seen this entrance since the last time a money fight went bankrupt. The crowd is on its feet for him! Sephiroth has arrived at the West Haven Arena!

Cloud: (grumbling) Lousy scene stealing son of a bi-

Oogie Boogie: And what's that he's got in his hand? Bless my hollow eyes, Cloud, that's a…

Oogie's microphone cuts out for dramatic effect.

Sephiroth emerged between the ebon glow of hellfire and the violet script of black magic. Like a storm of oil he fell to the mat, arising slowly, dramatically. His eerie blue eyes fell upon Riku, who was such an obvious clone of himself, and Sora, whose bright red shorts thrilled and terrified him. Wordlessly the fallen one drew his weapon, his long, gloved fingers wrapping loosely about its short grips. Dark feathers burst from his single wing as it flapped powerfully, driving him towards Sora with the unseemly force of a demonic missile.

In unison the crowd gasped.

Sephiroth swung his gleaming weapon of mass destruction with all his unholy might.

Sora fell victim to the awesome power of the folding chair.

Oogie Boogie: No! No! That's not right! The referee is calling for the bell. This fight was a sham! These people got ripped off, Cloud! We got paid anyway. This can't end that way can it? It can? Well, I'll be a boogeyman. We're going to the ring now for the official decision!

When Sora came to, Sephiroth was gone. The ring bell still echoed inside his head… or perhaps he had just had his bell rung. He could not tell which.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if I can have your attention," Hades cried over the public address system, "I'm here with Abu and the Queen of Hearts for the official decision. Since no one can understand a word outta the ref's flea-bitten mouth, and if we have to hear 'off with his head' again I might riot, I'll just read it myself. Okay, here goes." The god of the dead cleared his throat with a fiery couch. "Whoa, 'scuse me. Gyros, you know, they hit me the wrong way. The winner of this fight by way of disqualification via outside interference… the immoderate ripoff, Riku!"

Sora blinked. He was not certain that his chairshot-induced stupor interpreted that correctly. "What do you mean, Riku wins? I'm the one who got leveled with a seating device!"

"Well, yeah, you did," Hades agreed with a shrug, ignoring the boos of the crowd. "But didn't you see? That washboard-chested ring girl hit Riku with a coconut. This is a real enough sport that we've got instant replay, and just because the official was grooming himself at the time doesn't mean we didn't see. Okay? But look on the upside." Hades glanced at Riku, who still had yet to move after the failed anime deathblow. "You get a consolation prize."

Sora nodded slowly. He had learned a great lesson on this day, a lesson that he recalled until long after he had set the frozen Riku on his lawn to serve as an effeminate birdbath. Not only had he successfully derailed his best friend's descent into villainy and acquired the world's most metrosexual garden gnome in the process, Sora had learned that sometimes even defeat can mean victory. In losing to Riku, the Keyblade master had unintentionally kicked his enemy's powdered ass more permanently than any cage match would have allowed.

Plus, watching Kairi play dress-up with Riku was fun.

Oogie Boogie: Is this godless show over already? I got a wicked itch.

Cloud: I can't see the light.

Oogie Boogie: That's because I put a bag over your spiky head.

Cloud: A bag of darkness?

Oogie Boogie: Sure. Why not?

Tinkerbell: Alright. Can we cuddle now, Boogie? Being quiet isn't any fun.

Oogie Boogie: … not while the microphone's on. From West Haven's fabulous underground Arena, this is Oogie Boogie, for Cloud and Tinkerbell, saying… good night everybody!