Verisimilitude
By gure
Comments: Haven't updated for the longest time. I could probably tell you guys that I've developed a horrible life-threatening illness and have just recovered from it, or how my computer broke down on me and everything on my hard drive was lost or something like that. But no, none of that happened. I was just lazy and I hadn't felt like writing anything for a long period of time.
Anyhow, this particular chapter's been sitting in my hard drive half-written for the longest time, and I finally decided to just finish it and post it rather than let it continue desolately sitting there.
You'll probably notice how I repeat a lot. Well, it's supposed to be like that. And yes, you're probably going to wonder why Naruto keeps contradicting himself here. That's supposed to happen also. Oh yeah, it's also horribly choppy and quite random, how his thoughts change from one thing to another. Keep in mind that in this fic, Naruto's battling with himself over his inconsistent thoughts and tumultuous feelings about things he likes and doesn't like. Very mild, almost invisible shounen ai. R&R please.
Chapter 3: Strength (Naruto)
Naruto loved and hated the rain.
He liked the feeling of refreshing droplets on his skin, but he hated the fact that the sky would always turn a desolate grey. It made him think of cold eyes, a grey so dark it could have been mistaken for black. Eyes he could get swallowed in, and he wouldn't mind. He groaned and stopped himself from thinking along those lines. But he enjoyed the rain, really he did, although he admitted it was a bit cold laying out on the open ground, while icy drops fell on him.
He loved the feeling of curling up into a warm comforter on a rainy morning as he listened to the soothing rhythmic tap of raindrops hitting solid surface. But he hated the way the raindrops reminded him of past wounds. It made him feel nostalgic, quiet, and sometimes depressed. He hated that.
He was supposed to smile and shout; he was supposed to be happy and looking forward to the future when he would become the Hokage. He was Uzumaki Naruto. He shouldn't know when to give up, because he had goals he really wanted to achieve. And he would make people acknowledge him; he wanted them to accept him for who he was as a whole and not for what was a part of him. Every time Naruto thought about this, he would become energized once more, temporarily satisfied to spend his energy, his time, and his willpower to something he really wanted.
But then each day would end, and tired from the training and missions that day, he would be reminded of the mindless insults that people uncaringly threw at him. He didn't matter. He was not wanted. He was a monster. He didn't belong. He should stop trying. He was only a hindrance. And no matter how many times he told himself that he didn't care, it still rubbed painfully at his heart every time he thought about it. After all, wasn't it his real wish to be recognized? To be accepted as a part of their own? To be seen and heard, to laugh with people and not be the one they laughed at?
He was weak, and the rain seemed to mock him with their glittering magic. When he was younger, he had always thought the rain held magical properties. He had believed it would lend a magical hand to make things different. But it never happened, and he grew to detest the rain. It was supposed to clean him! It was supposed to make him forget, to make his life something worthwhile, some place he could call "home." Yet the rain did nothing for him, and he had learned not to believe or rely on anything. They would only rip apart his wishes in the end.
Naruto had learned, from hard personal experience that one could only rely on himself. Where were his friends when he wanted somewhere to turn to? Whose shoulder could he possibly cry on? Where was a friendly hand when he needed help? As far as Naruto knew in his love-depraved mind, he was on his own. And he was fine with that. He had long since gotten used to his loneliness, although a tiny part of him still yearned for someone to care for him. But he had squelched that feeling to the crevices of his mind. He would be strong now, for himself and for the village that denied him. Naruto couldn't help but develop an emotional attachment to the Leaf Village; it was the only thing he had and could say that he was a part of.
Naruto stared up to the sky. His yellow locks and clothing had long been soaked through by the torrent of rain, but he didn't mind. The cold made him feel numb, would make him forget for a moment the thoughts that haunted him. Naruto shivered, slowly got up from the ground, and turned to stumble back to his dingy abode. Hair darkened and plastered to his head, one more thought flitted through his hazed mind as he fainted on his own doorstep.
From now on, he would be strong.