MAY 21, 2012

10:16 PM

Just one more beer, then I'll go home. This is what Arthur had been telling himself for close to an hour. He was sure that the bartender would cut him off soon enough, but he was well prepared to slip him some extra money when that happened.

How could this have happened? How could he have allowed himself to be so close to kissing another man? He regretted it more than anything else in the world... but not in the way he'd be proud to admit. He regretted it in more of a humiliated sense. He wasn't disgusted, just embarrassed. And that confused him. Shouldn't he be feeling grossed out or something? He downed his beer, and thought for a moment. Am I ready to go home? Hmm... Nope. One more.

As he was about to call for another beer, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up slowly, wondering who would want to keep him from drinking more. He was met with bright blue eyes. For a moment, he thought it was Alfred and he blushed a little bit and his heart jumped into his throat. But then he noticed the v-neck tank top and push-up bra. He slammed his face onto the counter and mumbled.

"Aren't you a bit young for this place?"

He heard a giggle. "Shh~ Fake ID!" She sat next to him.

"No offense Amelia... but go home..." He rubbed his temples.

She smiled and propped herself up on an elbow. "Who else is gonna drive you home when you're wasted like this?"

He rolled his eyes. "I'm perfectly well enough to drive myself!" He slurred.

She smirked and held up some fingers. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"..." He stared for a few seconds, trying to decide between three and four. "Four?" He guessed.

"Two," She laughed and put down her hand. "So why are you getting wasted, anyway?"

"Can't a man go out and have a few beers?" He leaned his head against the counter again, enjoying its cool surface against his face.

"A few! You've had, like, seven!" She smiled. "Dude, it's time to go home!"

He hid his face in his elbows. "I'm not going home... And to be honest I don't exactly want to see you right now..."

She raised her eyebrows. "Why? Did something happen?"

He shook his head, but it must have been obvious he was withholding information because she shook his shoulder and kept pestering him. "C'mon! Tell me what happened! I wanna help, dude!"

After a few minutes of the pestering and one more beer, he felt the whole story slipping out. Why couldn't he stop himself?! What was he doing?! Stop it, Arthur! Stop right now! Don't tell her this! She'll think you're gay! Don't do this, Arthur!

Before he knew it, he'd said all of it, and she was staring at him wide-eyed. She finally cleared her throat and said, "Well, I was right. You've had way too much beer..."

"But it was all true!" He said loudly, losing complete control of himself. "I swear, I did almost kiss him! I wanted to, too! I really, seriously wanted to! And I'm so confused about it all!" He could feel his cheeks getting wet with tears that he couldn't seem to control.

"Look, I believe you! But... why didn't you kiss him?" She cocked her head to the side.

"W-why would I?" He said, startled.

She sighed. "You obviously like him, Arthur... I'm just wondering when you're gonna admit it."

He groaned loudly. "I am not gay! I like girls!"

"Dude... I'm sorry but I don't know what to tell ya." She shrugged.

He suddenly smashed his empty bottle on he counter. "There's nothing to tell!"

She jumped up from her bar-stool and took a few steps back. "Arthur calm down..."

"I don't want to calm down, you git!" He slurred his words and stood up, immediately losing his balance and falling over. Amelia rushed to his side and helped him up.

"Come on, you're going home..." She said softly.

Arthur mumbled something he couldn't even understand and passed out.

MAY 22, 2012

3:46 AM

Arthur's eyes snapped open and he sat up. Where was he? He looked around quickly and found he was in his bedroom. He was still wearing his clothes, and he was covered his sweat. What had happened? He couldn't quite remember...

The answer hit him at the same time as the splitting headache.

He feel back onto the pillow and groaned. It felt as if he'd taken a good hit to the head with a cricket bat... Multiple times.

Amelia must have taken him home... And she didn't appear to be in the room, so at least he was alone. He knew what she could be doing in other rooms of the house... The thought of her messing up his arrangements almost made him get up.

He wondered vaguely what time it was. It wasn't light out yet so it couldn't be too late. He opened his eyes groggily, dreading having to see him today. It would be so awkward... what would he say? How could he possibly make Alfred believe it was just a mistake?

He sighed. He couldn't. Because... in his heart he knew that it wasn't a mistake at all. He knew that he had wanted Alfred to kiss him, and that was no mistake. Not at all. He stared at the ceiling and for once, he allowed himself to consider the possibility that maybe... just maybe... he was... you know.

It would mean having to tell his family... and they wouldn't exactly be thrilled. He'd end up being disowned probably. But it wasn't like he felt any sentiment there. Sure, he missed his family, but not as much as he'd be proud to admit. It would mean the he'd be absolutely certain that this was the path he chose. Being certain that... this was what made him happy. Life wouldn't be easy for him if this was in fact the case...

He rolled onto his stomach and smashed his face into the pillow. He had of course seen the posters... the posters that said that you couldn't choose what you were. He was beginning to understand what that meant, and how utterly true it was... Because it really wasn't his decision at all.

He'd always assumed that he hadn't found the right woman. Could it be that he never would? To be honest, the thought terrified him. It was so scary to know that he had perhaps been lying to himself his entire life... or... most of his life.

He groaned at the memory. It was so embarrassing...

ENGLAND, 2005

ST. AARON BOY'S ACADEMY

Arthur was exhausted from a long week at school. He opened the door to his family's flat and called out, "Mum? Are you home?"

"Arthur, would you come in here for a moment, love?" She called out from the sitting room. He left his shoes at the front door and entered the room to find his entire family. Eighteen-year-old Oliver was smiling at him mischievously, his arms crossed. Alice (who was merely thirteen) was sitting straight up, her hands folded properly into her lap. Peter was chewing on a biscuit, not really paying attention. In the middle of it all, his Mum and Dad were staring at him seriously.

"Sit down, Arthur." His mother said.

He laughed nervously. "Is this an intervention or some rubbish?"

Nobody said anything, so Arthur sat down in the one chair that wasn't taken up, which was separate from the rest, facing all of them.

His Mum cleared her throat. "Arthur... we are very worried about you."

"What? What do you mean?" He raised an eyebrow.

His mother looked to his father, as if asking him to say something. His Dad cleared his throat. "Son... we've heard that you're having some... problems."

"Oh?" Arthur squinted, confused.

"Yes... We heard that you are a bit confused right now." His Dad smiled sympathetically, but Arthur could tell it was forced.

"Confused? About what?!" Arthur said.

His mother cleared her throat awkwardly. "Well... Arthur, you know you can always tell us when you are feeling confused, and you can always be sure that we'll help you get through these phases."

"Oh, just get out with it, Mum," Oliver said, his creepy grin spreading to his cheeks, stretching out his freckles. "Arthur, we know you're gay!"

"Oliver!" Arthur's mother cried out.

"Well it's true!" Oliver said.

"What?!" Arthur's face turned red. What made them think that?! Then he realized. "YOU READ MY JOURNAL!"

Silence. Everyone looked away, and finally, his father spoke up. "It was for your own good, Arthur..."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!" Arthur shrieked. "I thought you guys were my family!"

"We are your family, dear..." His mother said softly.

Peter spoke up with his squeaky six-year-old voice. "What was in his journal, Mummy?"

Oliver spoke up. "He was droning on and on about this bloke who he thought had a great arse!"

"Sh-shut up! I didn't say THAT!" Arthur was blushing like mad.

"Arthur, do you want to talk about it?" His mother said.

"NO! I'm not gay! I like girls!" He stood up quickly and started backing away.

He ran to his room and slammed the door, grabbing out his journal. The first thing he wrote was, "Never mind. Nobody wants to listen anyway."

Back to the present...

Arthur sat up in bed.

He took a deep breath and decided the next thing he said... was going to be the truth. The absolute, final truth.

"I'm Arthur Kirkland... And I am a homosexual."