Chapter Six
"Ku ku ku ku ku ku ku ku," Orochimaru laughed. "Ke ke ke ke ke ke!"
"…And this enchanter, he has seen the holy jutsu?" Sasuke asked.
"Hee hee hee, ha ha ha… my, you're sexy… haa ha ha!"
Naruto growled, holding Sasuke's arm protectively. "So, where does he live?"
Orochimaru continued to laugh. Naruto got ticked off and bonked him on the head with half a coconut husk.
"Oww…" Orochimaru muttered, patting the bump on his head.
"Where does he live, old man!"
"I'm not old."
"Pedophile."
Orochimaru sighed. "This enchanter, he knows about this hole in the wall which no man has entered, but which a lot of women go into to try on overpriced clothing."
"So… the Holy Jutsu is in a ladies' dressing room?"
"I didn't say that."
"B-but…"
"Anyway. In that hole in the wall are carved the last words of… some dead guy. Hmm… he might have been important. I can't remember."
"Because you're senile."
"I beg your pardon."
"Yes. Beg. Beg like the senile old man you are. Bwa ha ha ha ha!"
Sasuke wisely stopped Naruto's chatter with a well-placed caress. "And so where is the jutsu?"
"Past this hole in the wall… lies the perilous bridge of death… gorgeous! Would you like to visit me in my hovel sometime? We can put on some jazz music and lounge in the Jacuzzi."
"Listen, you pervert! Where is the bloody jutsu!" Sasuke yelled.
"Oh, I don't know. Just… go to all the places I've told you about. And then… maybe you'll find it. Sooner or later." Then Orochimaru started laughing again before vanishing in a puff of smoke.
"Idiot. Gosh."
(H)(o)(l)(y)
"Nar-you-dough!"
"…Who are you?" Naruto asked.
"We are the kkkkkk-ninjas who say… Nar-you-dough!"
"Nar-you-dough!" a random ninja yelled.
Naruto flinched. "You mean… the Akatsuki?"
"Oh no, the Akatsuki!" Sasuke said.
The leader shrugged. "Same difference. We are the keepers of the three sacred words… Nar, you, and dough."
"…Those who hear them diiiiiiiiie," Naruto explained in hushed tones to Sasuke.
"The ninjas who say Nar-you-dough demand a sacrifice!"
"Noooooo! Naruto is mine!" Sasuke yelled, throwing his arms around the blonde's middle.
"No… umm… I was going to ask for… a shrubbery." A dramatic chord played in the background. "I mean, Itachi hasn't gotten back from playing the French guy, so you don't have to worry about Naruto's safety just yet."
"Huh?" Naruto asked.
"Nar-you-dough! Nar-you-dough! Nar-you-dough!" Naruto and Sasuke fell to their knees, writhing in pain.
"We will say nar-you-dough again if you do not appease us," the man who looked like a Venus fly trap said.
"Yeah," Deidara agreed.
"Oh, good and fair Akatsuki, we will find a shrubbery!" Naruto shouted.
"One that's purty," the leader said.
Deidara grunted, "Yeah."
"And not too expensive," Sasori said. "What with energy costs these days…"
"Right," Naruto said, raising a fist. "Well, we shall go and find you a shrubbery! Goodbye!" He dragged Sasuke out of the woods.
"Whew. Glad that's over," Naruto said.
"Naruto… why did they keep talking about you?"
"Huh?"
(H)(o)(l)(y)
When Naruto and Sasuke arrived in the town, an old lady was standing in the road. Naruto strode up to her, leaning down to whisper in her ear. "Do you know where we could find… a shrubbery?"
The old woman shrieked in pain, attracting the attention of several other random people. "I've never even heard of a shr—shubb—schrubbing bubbles…"
"Tell me, woman!"
"What? Where the local brothel is located?"
"Noooooo! Where may I find a shrubbery, woman?" Naruto bellowed, but the old woman would not give in. "NAR YOU DOUGH!"
"Noooooooooooo!" the old lady shrieked.
"Nar-you-dough!" Naruto yelled again.
"Naruuuuuuuto!" Sasuke shouted in an attempt to assist Naruto with vanquishing the old lady.
"No, Sasuke, no. It's Nar-you-dough. Not Naruuuuuuuto."
"Nar-you-toe?" Sasuke asked, confused.
"No. Nar-you-dough!"
Sasuke's eyes lit up. "Oh! I get it! NAR-YOU-DOUGH!"
The old lady collapsed, twitching, to the ground. Suddenly a very pretty man with white hair rode by on the skeleton of a horse. "Oh," he said, "These are dark times when passing gay couples may say 'Nar-you-dough' at will to old ladies… I am Kimimaro the shrubber—famed throughout the land for my beautiful works! But even world-class shrubbers like myself must toil away day and night to make enough money to buy the good porn…" The man looked wistfully to the sky, small tears shining in his eyes. "Oh, my beloved Orochi-chan, I wish to buy more of your nude workout videos!"
Naruto and Sasuke sweat-dropped. Naruto, however, strode boldly forward. "You say you're a shrubber?" he asked.
"Hm? Oh, yes. My shrubberies are made of human bones. My bones, in fact."
"Really? So you could totally lassooooo the moon with your jawbone, right? Right?" Naruto inquired happily.
"Well… I rather like my jawbone, I'm sorry."
"Oh," Naruto murmured, looking crestfallen.
"Could you make us a shrubbery? We'd be sure to pay you handsomely…"
"In flesh?" Kimimaro asked, his green eyes looking Sasuke up and down.
Naruto quickly moved to stand in front of Sasuke, his eyes flashing with jealousy. "NAR-YOU-DOOOOOOOOOUGH!" he yelled mightily, causing rocks on several of the nearby mountains to crumble, crushing the unfortunate members of many herds of cattle.
"Ahhhhh!" Kimimaro gave a girly shriek. "All right, all right! I'll make you a shrubbery!"
Naruto grinned.
(H)(o)(l)(y)
"D'you think a bone shrubbery is really what the Akatsuki had in mind?" Sasuke asked, looking down at what was once Kimimaro's ribcage.
"They didn't say not to get a bone shrubbery," Naruto reasoned, stopping in front of the crowd of Akatsuki.
Itachi was standing off to the side, being chatted up by a man who looked like a shark.
"So, how 'bout them Braves?"
Sasuke suddenly rushed forward, moving to attack Itachi. However, at the last moment Itachi raised two fingers, poking his little brother's forehead. The boy made a gurgling noise and collapsed, coughing up blood. "Foolish little brother."
"Aww, Itachi! You didn't tell me you had such a cute little brother!" Kisame squeaked, pinching Sasuke's cheeks maternally. "He's so little, like a baby moose!"
"Itachi!" Sasuke yelled, hopping to his feet. "I have come for my revenge!" Sasuke brandished the rather pointy bone shrubbery at his brother.
"Oh, yeah!" Deidara said, taking the shrubbery from Sasuke. "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
"…rap music?" Sasori asked. "Deidara, have you been going clubbing without me!" he accused.
"…yeah," Deidara mumbled, shrinking and running to hide behind a bush, leaving the shrubbery behind.
The leader took hold of the abandoned shrubbery, surveying it with a calculating eye. "This… this is just a glorified ribcage!"
"B-but it was made by the great Kimimaro!" Naruto yelled, trying desperately to remind everyone that yes, he was actually there.
"Kimimaro, eh?" the leader considered, rubbing his chin as if he was Fidel Castro, which he might have been on every other weekend. "He's hot. All right."
Naruto and Sasuke gave sighs of relief.
"But don't relax yet! We are no longer the kkkkkk-ninjas who say Nar-you-dough! We are now the kkkk-ninjas who say… Scotty don't!"
"Scotty don't, Scotty don't!"
"Scotty does! Scotty does!" yelled a confused Akatsuki.
"No! Scotty don't!"
The leader coughed. "Thus, we demand another sacrifice."
"What!" Naruto asked, outraged.
"Yeah," Deidara squeaked, finally brave enough to step out from behind the bush.
"You must find us ANOTHER shrubbery!"
"Nooooooooooooooo!" Naruto shrieked.
"YES. One that is slightly larger… for a two-level effect! And a Jacuzzi in the middle!"
"A Jacuzzi, a Jacuzzi!"
"And then, you must both dress up like flamenco dancers and do the… CAN CAN! Because they can can can!"
"That's ridiculous!"
"Well, if you want to pass through this forest alive, then you'd better start puttin' your stockings on!"
Suddenly Sir Chouji came forth, heralded by Ino, who was still singing embarrassing songs about him.
"And running away
And cheating on his diet
His steps cause buildings to sway—"
"Oh, hellooooo there, Sir Chouji!" Naruto greeted.
"Hello," the ninja said unhappily, glaring at Ino.
"Have you been able to find the jutsu?"
"Well… no. By and large," Chouji began, hearing the Akatsuki screech, "My trip was unfruitful. And annoying."
"You haven't given up your quest, have you?"
"Oh, no. I was looking for the jutsu in this forest!"
"So what, by and large, have you and Sasuke been doing?" Itachi fell to the ground, blood randomly spurting from his elbow.
"Oh, coming out of the closet… and then, going back into the closet…" Naruto said, smirking.
"By and large…" Sasuke muttered. "Who says by and large?"
"Apparently, Chouji says 'by and large'."
"Noooo! Do not say it!"
"It? I haven't been saying it!"
"Ha ha ha. That fat kid's been saying by and large!" Deidara said, and promptly exploded like a pot with air bubbles in a kiln.
"He said it! He said it!"
"Ha ha, Deidara fall down go BOOM!" Itachi grunted, crawling over to Sasuke. "Sasuke… foolish little brother!" he yelled, pushing bloody fingers against Sasuke's forehead.
"Nooo! BY AND LARGE, BY AND LARGE, BY AND LARGE!" Naruto yelled, tugging Sasuke away from Itachi.
And that was how the Akatsuki were defeated.