AN: Hellooooooooooo! It's been a really long time, but that's largely due to the fact that my co-author (that walrus girl) is slacking off. Mleh. Yeah. So this is... lots and lots of TRT. Please don't run away from lots of TRT. I'll be sure to force that walrus girl to write some next time. Mwa ha haha ha. I hope, anyway.
Chapter Seven
Naruto and his ANBU rode for ages and ages, until they felt their feet may fall off and if they had actually been riding horses, they might now have doubts about their abilities to produce children. Not that there would be any, since most of the ANBU were gay. Gay gay gay gay gay.
Eventually they came to a mountain, which they climbed up, Chouji with much difficulty. Of course, Chouji was just grateful that they had been forced to eat Ino during the last winter, which had been long and bitter, but which made him very, very happy.
When they arrived at the top, they saw a red-haired boy (with a gourd on his back) dancing while sand whirled around him.
"Oh, wow! It's almost like he's ribbondancing! But with sand!" Naruto shrieked happily. "Who are you, who can ribbondance without ribbons?"
The redhead looked over at Naruto. "I am the… Kazekage!"
There were many gasps from the crowd of ANBU.
"Oh, wow!" Naruto said, striding forward. "Well, y'see, I'm the Hokage! So… why don't we have some diplomatic discussions or something?"
The Kazekage looked Naruto up and down. "Oh, I'd love to have diplomatic discussions with you, Hokage."
Sasuke stepped forward, growling and putting an arm around Naruto's waist, eyes glinting with jealousy. "He's my Hokage. Not yours."
Naruto decided to ignore Sasuke. "Anyway, though, my name's Naruto! What's yours?"
"Gaara."
"Like Gaaraaraaraaraaraaraaraaraarrrrrrr…a?"
Gaara shrugged. "Something like that." He did a small twirl, the sand rising in the air, before continuing. "Soooo… you're seeking the Holy Jutsu, aren't you?"
Naruto's eyes widened. "Yes."
"He probably just read the script, Naruto. It's not like he has uber-cool special powers or anything…" Sasuke grumbled, angry that someone had stolen Naruto's attention from him.
Naruto looked down at his feet nervously, pushing little dirt clods around. "Well… umm… do you know where to find a…"
"A j…." Chouji tried, but failed.
"Juuuuuuuu…" Kakashi wanted to say it, but he was unable.
"Juuuuts…uuuu…" Kiba slowly grunted out, his heart swelling with pride.
"The holy jutsu?" Gaara suggested helpfully.
The ANBU nodded.
"So, umm…"
"Could you please…"
"Pretty please with gumdrops and Reese's pieces and cheddar bay biscuits and sashimi and white chocolate macadamia nut cookies on top…"
Gaara blanched, sticking his tongue out in distaste. "I'll direct you toward it."
Naruto cheered. His ANBU hung several piñatas from the trees and began beating them in celebration. Kakashi threw confetti while reading Icha Icha Paradise.
The Kazekage coughed, causing the abrupt end of all the festivities. "North-south-east of here… is a hole in the wall where women go to try on expensive clothing… the wall of which is covered with the last words of Jay D. Holmsteinberger…"
Naruto stared expectantly at Gaara, wondering if he would get to the point soon.
"And his last words will, of course, reveal to you the location of the great and magnificent Holy Jutsu," Gaara said distractedly, waving his hand around in the air. He turned back to Naruto. "Soooo, what are you doing later on tonight?"
"I imagine I'll be following you to the ladies' dressing room."
Gaara smirked. "Sounds good to me."
Sasuke growled. "What? So it's going to be that easy?"
Gaara shook his head. "No. In fact, the ladies' dressing room is guarded by a beast who will tear you limb from limb if you so much as look at the fuzzy alpaca-hair sweaters. Only brave souls should come with me to the ladies' dressing room, because death awaits the faint of heart…"
Chouji shook violently. Thankfully, Ino wasn't there to make fun of him. "…I want my mommy. And an extra-large bag of barbecue chips."
"…With nasty, big, pointy stiletto heels!" Gaara cried dramatically, making exaggerated hand motions that might have been indicative of nasty, big, pointy stiletto heels.
"…Gaara, you're a goofy kid."
(H)(o)(l)(y)
The Naruto-tachi were very tired, so they decided to take a break that didn't happen in the original film! Oh me, oh my! Everyone was sitting around a large campfire, roasting marshmallows and singing kumbayah. Actually, Chouji was the only one doing that. In fact, most people were lazing about—Kakashi was reading Icha Icha Paradise with rapt attention, Kiba was playing fetch with Akamaru, and Naruto… was poking happily at Gaara's calf muscles.
"Oh, wow, Gaara! Your calves are so hard!"
"Only when you touch them, Naruto," Gaara murmured, a sultry look in his eyes.
"Oh, yeah? Well, I bet my calves are even harder than Gaara's! My calves are so hard… not even diamonds can cut them!" Sasuke cried, imitating a Renaissance man and giving Naruto a nice view of his pretty legs.
"Hn," Gaara said, ignoring Sasuke, putting an arm around Naruto's shoulders. He proceeded to steer Naruto away from the campfire.
"Where are we going, Gaara?" the blonde asked cluelessly.
"Oh… I have to show you something… something really great. And big."
"Oh? Well, I know you'd have to be fully clothed to show him anything big, wouldn't you, Gaara?"
"What?"
"Oh, you heard what I said!" Sasuke growled, moving into his Jackie Chan stance.
Gaara glared. "So? You can say all you want, but I think Naruto should be the judge of whether what I'm about to show him is large or not." The redhead turned and proceeded to lead a very confused Naruto away.
"W-wait! Don't you go anywhere with my Naruto!" Sasuke yelled, chasing after Gaara.
"Your Naruto?"
Sasuke nodded vehemently. "Yep!" The blonde blushed furiously.
"I don't see the name SasUKE tattooed on him anywhere!"
"…That's because you haven't seen him naked!" the black-haired Uchiha practically shrieked.
Kiba laughed uproariously. "You haven't seen him naked either, SasUKE!"
Sasuke glared, putting a finger against his lips. "Shh!"
Naruto wisely decided to get out of the way as Gaara and Sasuke continued to squabble.
"Naruto is mine!"
"No! Mine!"
"Bring it, foo'! Bring it!"
The blonde gave a sigh. "I don't know those two…"
(H)(o)(l)(y)
"Behold! The ladies' dressing room!" Gaara said grandly. He had a black eye.
"All right!" Sasuke said, smirking. "I'll go check it out, then!" Sasuke was feeling rather cocky. Before he had taken two steps, however, he was viciously attacked by a frog with bunny ears strapped to its head. Sasuke only barely managed to escape.
"Oh no! The Dreaded Beast of the Ladies' Dressing Room!" Gaara cried, imitating The Scream.
"Why didn't you tell me about that before?" Sasuke asked, panting. He'd had to flee very quickly.
"…Forgot," Gaara said with an evil grin.
Sasuke glowered.
"Hey, Kiba… you're good with animals. What do you think we should to about this frog-bunny?" Naruto asked, looking at aforementioned frog-bunny.
"Ooh… I think I have a plan, Hokage!" he declared, before going off bravely to find the materials he'd need to carry out his plan.
Everyone twiddled their thumbs until Kiba returned—his arms laden with frilly, lacy thongs and the kind of panty hose that comes in those little plastic containers.
"We're not going to do fanservice, are we?" Naruto asked, his voice aquiver.
Kiba waved this suggestion off. "No, of course not. The girl writing this scene doesn't like to think about people wearing thongs… so thankfully, we're all saved.
Everyone except Chouji breathed a huge sigh of relief, because Chouji was never really afraid of being forced to wear a thong anyway. He just grabbed a bag of chips from inside his jacket and began munching on them.
Kiba coughed. "Ahem. Now, we shall use these thongs as… SLINGSHOTS! And thus, we shall horribly SMITE yon Dreaded Beast of the Ladies' Dressing Room!"
Everyone cheered, each of them choosing their own frilly pink 'slingshot'.
"…Anybody know how to aim this thing?" Chouji asked, giving his own weapon a bewildered expression.
"I do!" Kakashi yelled, rushing over to help Chouji. The plump ninja sweat-dropped, but didn't bother asking where Kakashi's newfound knowledge had come from. He didn't really think his frail mind could handle the answer.
AN: Read and review, peons! Or Andrew Jackson will come to get you! And he will preach to you about his "hard money" and "union power" and "kill/fire everyone who opposes you!". Mwa. I'm sure it could happen. Yeah.