Disclaimer: Shoot me…please…
Author's Note (Master): I'm feeling pretty random here so this chapter is full of jokes. We're taking a break form the action. Feel free to skip it and leave a "WTF" in your review. Thanks.
Author's Note (Chief): As the Master said, this chapter's got quite a bit of humor, and a bit of err… drunken romance. But it's got a bit of story element in it, so don't skip it like that Master said!
Chapter 1: When Heroes Get Bored
"RIIIIIING" The holographic display screen on a side table in one of Manor de Blair's many bedrooms went from dead silent to jet engine loud in a short space of 2 milliseconds.
It spent that amount of time ringing too.
As soon as it started its wake up call, a sleek katana sprung out of the bed, ripping bed sheets and linens, made a clean slice down, severing the space-age alarm clock into two halves.
"Goddamn stupid maggot just had to set the alarm so early…" muttered Albel as he dragged himself painfully out of bed. Blurrily, he rubbed his eyes, and smiled at the birds that greeted him cheerfully by chirping outside his window. The sun was nice and bright and the morning air was cool and fresh.
Then his smile changed to his usual, angry expression.
Fuck the birds… He muttered as he grabbed a phase gun from under the bed and reduced them to atoms.
Fuck the Sun… He muttered again as he grabbed his towel hanging from a nearby chair, then slicing the chair into several pieces of scrap metal.
Fuck the goddamned morning air… He muttered yet again, slicing the door to the washroom open with two forceful strokes.
Sure, he got his nickname "Wicked" from killing off every prisoner he took, but that was only a half truth. The real reason was because between when he woke up until the time he got his coffee, getting in his sight would have a lower survival rate than detonating a C4 explosive strapped onto your chest.
He tried to turn on the tap, but the faucet, as though mocking him refused to budge.
"Grrr…stupid worm," he grumbled, and then looked up at his reflection in the mirror. Even that seemed to be laughing at him.
"What are you laughing at maggot!" he called out before smashing the mirror. He then proceeded to draw the Crimson Scourge and make confetti out of the washroom.
In the living room of the manor, Nel and Mirage were reading the newspapers and enjoying coffee when they heard the ruckus from upstairs.
"Albel's up…"
"That's early."
"So then the husband said, 'Honey, if you could learn to cook, we could fire the chef.' And the wife replied, 'Honey, if you could learn to make love, we can fire the gardener!"
"Oh god," gasped Fayt before bursting out into a mad fit of laughter with Adray and Cliff.
Blair's cook, Bob, was entertaining his employer's guests with one of his many jokes. He was enjoying their company, finally some people who appreciated his sense of humor. Then the corridor was filled with wild curses, metal striking metal, and vases breaking.
"I think that Albel friend of yours is up. Better get him some coffee," said Bob as he scurried to the coffee machine to fix some quad shot espressos.
"Morning Albel, I see you're up early today," greeted Adray.
"ShutthefuckupbeforeIdecidetogetnastyandchopyouup," scowled Albel before sipping his coffee.
"Ahh…that's better. Where were we?" he said, with a drastic change to his voice and facial expression.
"Good morning," Adray said again, with a hint of irritation in his voice.
"Good morning big maggot, I see you're up rather early today."
"So Albel, want to join us?" asked Cliff.
"No thanks, me and Bob got…erm…goof to play," replied Albel.
"It's golf," corrected Bob.
"Whatever stupid maggot, get the clubs."
"I see you're really improving at this game Albel. Soon enough you'll actually be able to make the golf ball go where you want it too," praised Bob.
"Shut it maggot. I'm trying to play here," muttered Albel as he took a swing at the tee again.
CRASH! SMASH!
"Oh Blair's going to get pissed when she finds the windscreen of her Mercedes broken."
"So anyways, what you call it when a Klausian drowns?" asked Cliff.
"It's a…" tried Fayt.
"DUCK!" yelled Roger.
"Hey! That's not fair! Why do you always crack my riddles so…"
CRASH!
A golf ball slammed into Cliff's head at terminal velocity, nearly knocking him off his chair.
"What the…" muttered Cliff as he turned around to face the direction of his "assailant".
CRASH!
Another golf ball crashed in, this one slamming smack into his forehead.
"Oh that Albel's gonna get it good…"
"You know, some professional golfers like to take a running start before they make the swing to gain extra leverage," suggested Bob, "You might want to give it a shot."
"Sure thing," replied Albel as he took a few steps back, then charged forth and swung the golf club.
It was perfect. The flight was excellent; the distance was good, the direction was correct for once, except for one minor error. The thing flying, wasn't exactly the ball, it was the club. To make matters worse, Cliff suddenly came out of nowhere, and walked…straight into the flight path of the club.
CRASH!
"Hey Cliff, you okay?" yelled Bob.
"Good for nothing son of a bitch!" was the reply.
"The maggot's angry…" muttered Albel.
"What should we do?" asked Bob.
"Run!"
After several minutes of hiding from Cliff, the two returned to their golf game once the fuming blonde stomped back into the manor, the welts on his head a bright red.
"Ok, Albel, take another try at it." Bob encouraged. "Your last umm… 'Swing' was much better than the last! Try again, just don't toss the club this time…"
Albel was beginning to get very frustrated with his many errors, and he vented his woes upon the tiny little white ball before him for the umpteenth time. He swung the club with all his might, and the golf ball flew straight and true… or rather, straight and 'through', as the wild tee shot shattered another one of Blair's windows.
"This is gonna be a long day…" Bob muttered as Albel roared out his frustration to the world.
(A/N: Ok, it's about afternoon now at Blair's mansion.)
Cliff was pretty pissed off at Albel right now, and right now he knew only one thing that would drain away the anger and terrible need for revenge that burned within him; alcohol.
Fully intending to grab an armful of vodkas and whiskeys and share them with the rest of the guys, he strode into the kitchen, where Nel, Mirage and Sophia were valiantly attempting, and miserably failing, to teach Maria how to cook.
"Ok Maria looks like it's time to add the pepper." Sophia stated as she watched Maria's cooking sizzle on the stove.
Maria nodded and was about to grab the bottle of pepper on the counter when a sudden loud curse caused the four girls to start. Instead of grabbing the pepper, Maria's jump caused her hand to shift to the right just enough to grab the bottle next to the pepper instead.
Glancing over at the fridge, Mirage stared at Cliff as the blonde Klausian continued to swear.
"Goddamnit!" Cliff shouted loudly as he discovered that the fridge was completely bereft of any alcoholic beverages. " I knew we shouldn't have raided the fridge for those beers last Sunday!" With his hands empty, Cliff stormed out of the kitchen.
Sighing, Mirage turned back to Maria and her cooking as she shook the 'pepper' onto her cooking.
A few minutes later, an odor began to pervade the otherwise pleasant-smelling kitchen air. "Is something burning?" Nel asked as she sniffed the air.
"That can't be right, it's been cooking for only two minutes." Sophia leaned in closer and inhaled deeply, only to double over coughing. "You're right, it smells like it is burning."
"Wait a minute." Mirage said. "This is the pepper," she stated, holding up the bottle of seasoning. "And it looks… unopened… Maria, what did you put in there?"
Maria lifted up the bottle in her hand and inspected the label closely. Reading the single 9-letter-word on the label, she let out squeak of fear. Her face paled instantly, and she looked ready to weep.
"Maria, what is it?" Nel plucked the bottle out of Maria's trembling hands and her eyes widened in shock as she read the label.
The bottle was labeled 'Gunpowder'.
"OH SH…"
KABOOM!
Cliff stared at the kitchen door as it shook from what seemed to be a fiery explosion. Tendrils of smoke wisped out from the crack the beneath the door.
"Boy, am I glad I didn't stick around for that show." Cliff muttered to himself as he continued to stalk away. Being well familiar with Maria's kitchen disasters on board the Diplo, the Klausian was truly grateful that he hadn't been in the kitchen when the explosion occurred.
Looking out the window, he took in the peaceful sight of the trees swaying in the breeze, the birds chirping merrily, the white blur that was zooming towards the window the Klausian was looking out of… wait a minute. White blur?
It took Cliff's brain a few moments to register that Albel was still outside playing golf, and that the white blur speeding towards the window could very well be a golf ball…
"HOLY CRAP!" The blonde man yelled as he threw himself down onto the floor, avoiding the runaway tee shot as it crashed through the window, and subsequently pulverized the lock to the door that was opposite Cliff. The door swung open, revealing a flight of stairs that led downward.
Fascinated by his new discovery, he completely forgot about Albel's wild tee shots as he descended down into Blair's cellar, wondering what could she possibly hide there.
Groping around in the dark for a light switch, he found one after a few moments. Flipping it on and turning around, he was greeted by the sight of a bounty unlike anything he had ever seen in his life.
"Oh my god…" Cliff whispered in awe, his eyes uncharacteristically brimming with tears of joy. "It's beautiful…" He stretched his hands out to claim his prize.
Shelves fully stacked with vodkas and whiskey bottles, huge stacks of beer cans, entire kegs of ale! "We're gonna have one hell of party tonight!" The Klausian whooped in delight as he gathered all the alcohol he could in his hands and dashed upward to the living room where Fayt, Roger and Adray were slacking off.
(A/N: Right about the evening now, reaching nighttime soon. Here comes the drunken romance part!)
"So where'd Cliff go, anyway?" Roger piped up as Fayt idly flipped through the channels on the Video Display Unit.
"Dunno. Went to take revenge on Albel, who knows where he went after that." He replied, ignoring the bear-like snores of the massive Aquarian who was napping on the couch. So far Fayt and Roger had tried poking the swordsman awake, then they resorted to more hard-hitting methods, like throwing pillows and cushions at him. None of them managed to rouse the bear-like man from his sleep.
Suddenly, a yellow-hued tornado blew into the room as Cliff barged in with his arms full of alcoholic drinks. "Hey guys! Look what I found!" He cried out, dumping the bottles of vodka and cans of beer onto the coffee table.
"Wow, Cliff!" Fayt exclaimed, astounded by such a find. "Where'd you get all of this?"
"Oh, from a secret stash that Blair keeps in her cellar." Cliff winked at Fayt as he leaned his mouth close to the ear of the still-sleeping Adray. "WAKE UP, GRIZZLY! BEER'S IN DA HOUSE!"
The word 'beer' jolted Adray awake, bringing him out of dreamland, and he rubbed his eyes sleepily. "Hmm? Did somebody mention alcohol?"
"You bet I did!" Cliff replied gleefully as he popped the cap off of a bottle of vodka and started chugging it down like water.
The next few hours were spent milling about the living room in an alcohol-induced haze, cracking dirty jokes and whispering already-known and even fake 'secrets' in each other's ears in slurred voices, all of which resulted in uproarious laughter. Heck, even Roger had joined in the fun, though he had passed out on the recliner before he had even gone through his second can of beer.
"Soo… Fayt, how are things with Maria?" Cliff slurred from the couch to his blue-haired friend, who was lying down on the floor with an almost-empty bottle of vodka pointing straight down into his mouth.
The bluenette downed the rest of the vodka and tossed the empty bottle aside onto the recliner that Roger had passed out on, the constantly growing pile of empty cans and bottles almost completely covering the little Menodix.
"Same old, Cliff. Same old." Fayt replied as he grabbed his eighth can of beer from the still-large stack of alcoholic drinks on the coffee table and pried it open. "Sometimes I wish I could just take her by the hand, bring her to the nearest bed and…" Fayt's voice trailed off as he immersed himself in a far-away fantasy with the beautiful bluenette. He started to drool, and the can of beer in his hand slipped from his grasp slightly.
Cliff chuckled and plucked the can of beer from the wasted blue-haired boy's grasp before it fell to the floor. Ah, poor Fayt. Cliff thought to himself. Though the poor boy didn't know it himself yet, he was head over heels, madly in love with Maria, from what Cliff could tell from Fayt's drunken ramblings.
"I'm going to find her." Fayt suddenly said as he got to his feet unsteadily.
"Huh?" Cliff started. Even though he had downed even more drinks than his blue-haired friend had, Cliff still had some of his wits about him, whereas Fayt's alcoholically untrained mind was completely scrambled by the vast amounts of vodkas and beers he had consumed.
"I said I'm going to find her. I'm going to tell her how much I love HER!" Fayt burped out the last word as he thrust out his fist into the air before he lost his balance, teetered forward and landed face-first on the floor.
"Heheh. Go for it, my friend. Best of luck to you." Cliff raised his bottle of vodka in Fayt's direction in a cheer as the bluenette picked himself up and walked forward unsteadily, intent on professing his love to the woman of his dreams.
(A/N: Remember, this is drunken Fayt we're talking about here, he has absolutely no recollection of what he's done after this!)
Pondering over Fayt's actions for a few moments, Cliff grinned to himself, and set down the still-full bottle of vodka onto the coffee table. Plucking himself off the couch, he also set off, leaving Adray to finish off the rest of the alcohol, which the massive Aquarian did so with little difficulty.
Time to go have some fun with Mirage…
(A/N: Ordinarily, we would put in what Cliff would be doing, but due to time constraints, we leave it up to your imagination to decide what Cliff would do.)
Maria emerged from her room in a fresh set of clothes, her hair, still slightly damp from the shower she had recently taken to wash off the soot from her disastrous episode in the kitchen, was tied up with her red ribbon in a ponytail that hung loosely behind her.
She heard someone coming down the hall to her right, and she glanced in that direction. Fayt was walking unsteadily towards her. From the erratic manner in which he strode forth, and the glazed look in his eyes, Maria could tell that the young man was quite wasted.
"Good evening, Fayt." Maria greeted him, and was about to walk past him when Fayt suddenly thrust out an arm, stopping her.
"Heey, Maria…" Fayt slurred out as he put his arm around Maria's shoulders. "I was hoping to find you."
Attempting to hide her discomfort, Maria sought to dislodge Fayt's arm from around her shoulders, but the young man's arm was like a solid band of steel. It refused to budge.
"Fayt, please, stop whatever you're doing. You're making me blush." Maria pleaded as she tried to pull away from the wasted bluenette, but Fayt's arm kept her from going anywhere.
"I am? Well, that's a good thing…" Fayt murmured. Suddenly, Maria found herself pinned against the wall as Fayt's hands gripped onto her shoulders.
"You know, Maria… I find you really attractive," Fayt whispered in her ear as he moved his body closer to hers, one of his arms slipping around her waist and pulling her towards him, so close that Maria could smell the alcohol in his breath.
"Is that so? Fayt, please release me-" Maria was blushing madly by now and she tried to push Fayt away, but she gasped and halted her efforts at an unexpected contact.
Oh god, tell me he isn't doing what I feel he's doing… Maria thought to herself as her cheeks reddened even further.
Fayt's hand was brushing up against her thigh, and it was slowly, steadily moving north… Maria felt a shiver travel up her spine, one that had absolutely nothing to do with fear.
As much as she – oddly enough – wanted this to continue on, Maria knew she had to put a stop to it before it escalated into something beyond her control.
"Fayt, I'm telling you, you'd better stop before I knee you between your le-" Maria never got to finish her sentence as Fayt pressed a finger against her lips.
"Hush, Maria. I want to tell you something." Fayt's lips inched closer to her own.
Maria almost had a panic attack. Part of her mind – her conscious – screamed at her to put an end to this, while another part – her subconscious – begged her to let it continue. She was so caught up in her indecisiveness that she barely caught what Fayt said next.
"Maria, I l-" Suddenly, Fayt's eyes closed and he collapsed forward onto Maria as the amount of alcohol he had in his system took its toll on his body. Passing out on the spot, he slid off Maria's body and onto the floor.
Breathing out a sigh of relief, she picked up Fayt from under the arms and dragged the boy's limp body into her room.
Still standing on shaky knees that quivered with feelings that weren't related to fear at all, she lifted up the unconscious bluenette and dumped him onto her bed, tucking him in.
Fayt curled up beneath the sheets and muttered incoherently to himself in his sleep as Maria collapsed onto a nearby recliner, still breathing quickly from the anxiety she had experienced while Fayt had her pinned against the wall.
Why did she feel so exhilarated when Fayt had her cornered? Why did it feel as though something she had long wished for had finally happened when she had never even thought about it in the first place?
Perhaps she had some secret affection for Fayt Leingod that even she herself did not know about, but she quickly dismissed that notion.
No. She couldn't think that way. To her, Fayt was like the brother she never had. And besides, Fayt had been drunk when he had slurred out his opinion of her being very attractive, so that was just the alcohol talking, right?
As Maria's breathing slowed down and she dozed off in the recliner pondering over these matters, she could not help but feel that there was at least some measure of honesty behind Fayt's words.
Fayt awoke the next morning with a massive hangover. The moment he opened his eyes to the dim light that filtered through the blinds that covered the windows, a splitting headache struck him, making it seem as though a regiment of Chimeras had somehow found their way inside his head and were currently proceeding to make confetti out of his brain cells.
Groaning, he tossed around in bed. Once the pounding in his head had subsided a little, he opened his eyes a crack and dimly noted the collection of phase guns that decorated the wall…
Wait a minute, phase guns? Fayt momentarily forgot about his hangover as he ran over the facts in his brain. His room didn't have a collection of phase guns on the sidewall, it was supposed to be a collection of his swords! This wasn't his room…
Turning over onto his back, he spied a bluenette sleeping peacefully on the recliner, her hair framing her countenance beautifully as a few strands of it blew across her face. Holy shit… Fayt thought to himself. Of all places to end up hung over, it had to be Maria's room! And sleeping on her bed, even!
Fayt slowly got up and attempted to silently exit the room despite the splitting headache that continued to assail him, but his efforts were in vain. Just as he placed his left foot on the floor, Maria stirred and slowly sat up. Rubbing her eyes sleepily, she noticed Fayt half out of bed.
"Oh, Fayt. You're awake." Maria yawned as she got up from the recliner and stretched.
"Morning, Maria. Sorry to bother you so early…" Fayt said sheepishly.
"Don't worry about it." Maria replied. "Fayt, do you have any recollection of last night?"
"Last night?" Fayt tried to remember, and was rewarded with more pain as his hangover worsened. Fayt doubled over on the bed, clutching at his head.
"Oh, sorry Fayt." Maria moved off to the washroom and returned with quickly returned with a glass of water and some aspirins. "Here, take these."
Fayt gratefully accepted the pills and downed them in single gulp. After a few moments, the pounding in his head subsided to a mild fever delirium, and he was free to move without feeling as though Luther had unleashed Insanity Prelude on his brain with every step he took.
"Thanks, Maria. And… I'm sorry, but I can't remember anything from last night." Fayt looked apologetically at Maria.
True, Fayt's mind drew a complete blank as he tried to play back what had happened after Cliff brought in the drinks, and everything he tried to recall ended up in a blurred haze.
"Oh. I see. Never mind, then." Before Fayt could question Maria on what she meant, she had walked out the door. "You'd better hurry and get ready, though! Blair is going to be picking us up in the afternoon!" She called back as she strode down the hall.
Oh yeah, Fayt thought to himself. This is our last day at Blair's place.
Picking himself off the bed and striding out into the hall, Fayt emerged from Maria's room to the familiar sounds of the morning, one of which being Albel causing a ruckus in his washroom again. "Goddamn stupid maggot! Out of my way!" The shout was followed by the familiar sound of a door being shattered.
Blair pulled over her BMW next to the gate to her manor, and fished out the remote control to open the gate.
The gates slip open, and Blair drove her car in. Glancing worriedly at her manor, she noted with relief that it seemed still intact. Although, some of the windows seemed to be missing… and there was a hole in the wall where the kitchen was supposed to be…
Blair sighed. It seemed that the party just couldn't keep themselves from screwing up her place…
Parking her BMW in the spacious parking lot, she got out and entered her manor, grimly noting the sounds of wild curses, metal striking metal, and vases breaking.
That Albel just can't keep himself from destroying everything within reach… Blair sighed again as she entered the living room and sat down on the couch, noting the overheated Video Display Unit that smoked on the wall.
A few minutes later, and after Albel had gotten his morning dose of coffee, the party gathered in the living room where Blair was waiting.
"So Blair, you're finished recreating what Luther had deleted in the Eternal Sphere?" Mirage asked.
"Yes. Me and my team have been working overtime to restore the Milky Way and the other galaxies, but we have managed to pull off a decent job." Blair replied as she took a sip of her own coffee.
"So, what's this new Milky Way like? Is it the same as our old one?" Cliff enquired from his spread-eagled position on the couch.
"Unfortunately, no. Luther managed to erase all the backup data we had for the previous Milky Way, so unfortunately we had to start somewhat from scratch. We managed to jump-start the timeline a bit, but the era is nowhere near the time period of the Pangalactic Federation."
"So, then we're about to enter into Earth's old civilization?" Fayt asked.
"If you mean by the medieval age, no. The time era you're about to enter would be just prior to the coming of the Terran Alliance." Blair answered.
"Just before the Terran Alliance…" Maria said in wonder. "You don't mean… the UNSC, do you?"
"UNSC?" Cliff said with a bewildered expression on his face. "How come I've never heard of it?"
"It's because it's rarely covered in the Pangalactic Federation's historical database." Maria replied. "There are only very short descriptions of this political body, and all I know is that during the time of the UNSC, it was a dark age for humanity. At the time, first contact had been made with an alien race, a hostile one at that, and the UNSC was being fractured from within by rebellions as well."
"I hacked into the Federation's database as far as I could, but I was only able to gather a few scraps of information, all of which were classified. In the ensuing war, humanity was almost wiped out, but only by signing a treaty with an unknown alien race did it manage to survive. From there, the beginnings of the Terran Alliance were born." Maria finished her explanation.
"Huh. So I guess we're about to experience that Dark Age for ourselves." Cliff muttered.
"You could say so." Blair said. "My team is ready to transport you into the Milky Way, should you want to leave now. But I must warn you, our transporters are acting a bit… dodgy this time, perhaps it's the new data that's throwing them off, so you will have to be prepared to land in an unexpected location, though we will try to ensure your safety as far as it is possible."
"All right guys, let's get ready to leave. We're returning to the Milky Way!" Fayt said. Everybody moved off his or her room to pack for the imminent journey.
"So I guess this is goodbye Bob," said Fayt, "Thanks for everything."
"My pleasure lad," replied Bob, holding back tears.
The party bundled up into Blair's car and sped off out of the gate, heading for Sphere 211. Gosh they were nice people. They were the best guests he had! Well maybe because they were the only guests but there was a first time for everything.
They were wonderful, and took great care of the house too! All that was left was a poisoned water supply, a depleted alcohol stash, a burnt up kitchen, no intact windows left standing, shattered furniture, overheated Video Display Units, smashed vases, dirty bed sheets, muddied floors, broken mirrors…
Oh boy…I got a lot of work to do…
"Well, here we are." Blair told the group as they stood in front of the massive transporter that would transfer the party back into the recreated Milky Way. "My team and I will get the transporter warmed up. In the meantime, I suggest that you wait inside the transporter."
Blair walked off to the control panel where her team was waiting. A few minutes and a lot of button pressing later, the transporter hummed to life, and a familiar blue glow surrounded each member of the party.
"Thank you so much for all you've for us done Blair." Sophia bowed as the swirling tendrils of blue light surrounded her, transporting her into the Eternal Sphere.
"We won't forget any of this Blair… We owe you one." Fayt said his thanks before he too vanished in a swirl of blue light.
As the rest of the party vanished along with them, Blair closed her eyes. "Farewell. Goodbye, and good luck."
Suddenly, a red warning light flared to life on the control panels of her team.
"Blair! We've got a problem!" One of the researchers cried out. "The transporter is acting dodgy again!"
"Oh no, what is it this time?" Blair hurried over to the distressed researcher's station.
"It's the new data! The transporter system has trouble adjusting to the sudden changes and additions, that it switched the transporting coordinates!" The researcher scanned the numbers that scrolled across the screen in front of him, and his eyes widened in shock. "Blair, they're going to land right in the middle of the Covenant Empire!"
Blair shook her head and sighed in frustration. "There's nothing we can do for them now. All we can do is hope that they're ready to be a bunch of unwelcome guests. The Covenant won't take this intrusion lightly…"
Well, there's the 2nd chapter for you. We already have the 3rd chapter ready, so we'll posting it once this story hits the 2nd page…
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