Chapter 8

Are You Thinking What I'm Thinking?

"This is a far better way to talk," Severus said, holding Zelda close as they lay together. His head still ached and he felt disoriented at the change in his circumstances. But the fact that he was naked, holding a warm naked woman in his arms, both shocked and comforted him in the face of his sorrow. It felt surprisingly natural.

"You asked me many questions, most of which I did not answer, yet. But I am curious about you. You have a nineteen-year-old son whose cast-off clothes I'm borrowing. Are there others?"

"Just one other, not a litter," she replied. "My daughter, Lily, is twenty-one and goes to college."

Severus started and his mind drifted far away for a moment. "Lily," he said slowly, "It's a lovely name. Why did you choose it?"

She eyed him intently and said, "Because I've always liked it. It means something to you… Do you want to tell me about it?"

He flushed slightly, but eventually he muttered, "There was a girl… I had… feelings for her. It was long ago."

"But she still matters," Zelda said gently. "Why?"

Severus didn't speak for a long time. He wanted to, but he had never told anyone about this. Slowly, he said, "Lily Evans was my friend and I… loved her. She was clever, and she was beautiful. She never thought of me that way, but we studied together and…" He paused for a moment before continuing; "She began to go out with James Potter in our seventh year. Potter and I had been mutual enemies since we met. They got married."

Zelda could feel his tension, so she waited, letting him decide whether to continue. After another long pause, he said, "It was while I was a Death Eater. I overheard a prophecy… It said that the one who could vanquish the Dark Lord would soon be born. I didn't know Lily was pregnant! But I told the Dark Lord of the prophecy, and he searched until he found the Potters. He killed James Potter, then Lily. She died to protect her son. It was my fault that they died." He fell silent, lost in the past.

"Did he kill the child too?" she asked tersely.

"No," Severus shook his head wearily. "Her son, Harry Potter, was protected because she died for him. He is the only person who has survived the Avada Kedavra Curse, and no one completely understands why, except perhaps Albus Dumbledore." He grimaced and continued, "Harry Potter was raised by Lily's Muggle relations and came to Hogwarts over six years ago. I was one of his teachers. He has Lily's green eyes. He hates me, incidentally."

Zelda snorted. "You should send a nice thank-you note to that Bellatrix woman," she said irritably. "Have you escaped that load of guilt and misery for five minutes? Of course, she damn near killed you." A wry smile crossed her face, and she continued lightly, "Or I'll send the note. I would never have known you, but for her."

She was not prepared when he replied, "She must never learn you exist! You'll be in terrible danger if anyone learns about you…"

"Don't worry," said Zelda. "How can she know? She thinks you're dead, and even when she discovers you survived, you won't tell anyone, right?"

Severus felt nauseated. It had not occurred to him earlier that Zelda was at risk for taking him in. The Dark Lord would gleefully destroy her. Bellatrix, Wormtail, any of them, would torture her, break her, and kill her. He must protect her, but his presence only increased her peril.

Loving hands pushed his hair back from his face. She smiled comically. "Will you nobly flee to protect me from the baddies?"

"It is nothing to joke about," he said heavily. "If there is a chance that leaving now can make you safe, I must do it," he insisted.

Zelda sighed and put her arms around his neck. She said firmly, "Obviously you're far from well, Sev, since you're not being logical. You have no clothes, remember? You have no wand. You also have no plan, and you may not leave until you have a plan and clothes. I don't know how to get you a wand; we'll work on that later."

Severus stared at her and said, "I have prided myself on my logical ability, my girl, so I must indeed be weak. I'm acting the foolish lover. I must bow to your superior judgment temporarily." He smiled a little at the suspicious gleam in her eye. "Your persistence is quite terrifying. Does an obstacle in your path simply make you more stubborn?"

She smiled ironically. "I've admitted defeat, and I've been defeated but refused to admit it," she said. "I hated it. I usually persist beyond the bounds of common sense. I'm dreadfully tenacious, Severus, a most unfeminine trait."

"An extremely useful trait and not actually gender related," he responded, adding snidely, "Do you believe yourself unsuited to be a romantic heroine?"

"I should think the answer's obvious," she replied, rolling her eyes. "I appreciate the irony of our situation, however. You're with a lonely, middle-aged woman, who's a bit overweight and superfluous in her own world. I'm a risk-taking freak who picked up a strange man and brought him to her own bed, and after such desperate, risk-taking behavior I probably deserve to be murdered by you instead of being shockingly happy."

Severus pondered her words carefully, wondering what this bloody society was like. How could such a clever, loving woman be so consumed by self-doubt? If he were free to choose, he would stay with her as long as she could tolerate him.

"Most people are idiots, Zelda," he snapped harshly. "I have never known a woman who would willingly make love to me, before you. You're sweet and strong, and I have laughed more with you than I have in my entire wretched life." He saw her eyes grow moist. "Furthermore," he told her more gently, "I want nothing more than to stay here with you." He added wryly, "Did I mention that I find you also, as you say, sexy?"

Zelda had closed her eyes while he spoke, wishing that she dared to believe him. He could almost feel her doubt, and he longed to make her understand his feelings. Gradually, a mad idea came to him. Recklessly he said, "Open your eyes, please."

She met his gaze uncertainly. Cautiously, he opened his mind to her, using Legilimency to touch her mind. He felt her brief confusion and then wonder. Severus found himself smiling fiercely, impressed at the daring of this Muggle, as she faced this strange experience. She, in turn, saw his delight in her, and he felt her joy in response to this knowledge. His mind was open to her, and if she wished, she could have probed his thoughts, his feelings, every memory in him, but she held back, she refused to abuse his trust. Instead, he saw her smile deliciously, and then she opened her mind to him...

He saw her dragging him out of the forest and heard himself say things that his injured brain had buried. He saw her frightened awareness of her attraction to him. But through the surprise of their mutual discovery, Severus realized that this experience was unheard of. A Muggle should not be capable of controlling her mind magically. Stunned, he gently withdrew himself from her mind.

"How did you do that?" he gasped.

"I don't know," she replied. Flinging her arms around him, she said, "Don't worry, please? Is it permissible to simply be happy? Oh, hell, I'll keep being happy, but what did you do? It almost makes sex seem superfluous!"

Severus schooled his features to seriousness, although he wanted more to smile again from having touched her mind and heart.

"There is a little known branch of magic that is known as Occlumency. It protects the mind from magical penetration by another person. Through long practice I learned to close my mind completely, and just now, I reversed the process," he said, "with remarkable results. However, I never expected that you would be capable of controlling your mind in that way. Only a witch or wizard should be capable of it. It is a powerful talent."

"What do you call attempting to penetrate someone's mind?" asked Zelda curiously.

"Legilimency," he replied, thinking furiously. "Zelda, would you let me teach you Occlumency? I do not know if it will work, but it may help you to protect yourself."

"Show me what to do," she replied, a determined gleam in her eye. "My memories of you are important to me."

Severus thought for a moment. He said, "I'll open my mind to you again. Open yours to me and then I will close my mind gradually. See what you make of it. Eye contact is essential."

As he spoke, Severus opened himself to her again, and felt her concentration as their minds met. In contrast to the tenderness of their last contact, her mind was tough and alert. Good, he thought, and now… the familiar blankness in his mind, eyes open but closed to human contact. He no longer felt her mind, and though he still faced her it was as though he looked through a crack between closed shutters. He waited, giving her time to see what he had done, knowing from experience that he could do it for hours.

"Incredible," said Zelda, watching his face change. She focused her own mind and then reached toward him, seeking the contact they had shared earlier. This time she felt nothing. She tried to sense how he had done it; she was staring into eyes that showed no expression. Next, she turned her perception inward, feeling that she had never before been so conscious of her own mind. Finally she said, "Severus, that's enough, please stop."

He relaxed mentally and looked at her, his expression almost apologetic. She responded by kissing him and saying, "That felt nasty, but give me a minute and I'll try it."

Zelda sat up straight, took several cleansing breaths and began closing down the thoughts racing through her mind, something like meditation. She found that it took more than a little hard discipline, but she pushed on. Severus watched as her face eventually lost expression and her eyes became flat and cold. She looked up at him, and he tried to touch her mind, but found a blank wall. He pressed on using Legilimency this time, and after a brief time he broke through.

"I am sorry," he said, as she leaned back, breathing hard. "Learning Occlumency is difficult and exhausting. But you have shown an aptitude for it already, so if you learn the theory, you can practice without me."

"My head hurts a bit, Sev. I'd like to close my eyes for a few minutes," she said faintly. Her face was drawn and pale.

"Perhaps you should sleep then. I'll prepare dinner," he said, "I am quite hungry, my girl. I will wake you when dinner is ready." He reached for his absurd, borrowed clothes as he spoke.

"That sounds lovely," she murmured, already drifting into sleep.

Severus loved to cook, but he rarely did it. Serving good food to Wormtail, the repulsive spy forced on him by the Dark Lord, offended him. Now, though, peeling potatoes and cutting up vegetables was relaxing, leaving his mind free to ponder his Zelda's ability. Not all wizards were born with the gift to master Legilimency or Occlumency. The Dark Lord and Dumbledore were masters of both, and he himself could also be counted as a master. Many wizards born with the ability did not grasp the theory. Harry Potter had failed miserably at Occlumency, although he was extremely powerful. Unspeakables studied these gifts at the Ministry. The practice of Legilimency was actually discouraged, since the potential for abuse was vast.

And now his sweet Zelda, a Muggle, had finished an impressive first Occlumency lesson. Her exhaustion did not surprise him, given the intensity of her concentration. He wondered if she had been born with this gift, and longed to access his library back at Spinner's End to search for precedents. His throat tightened a little as he also longed for Dumbledore, who could have helped him to solve this mystery.

His mind drifted back to what he had seen of her feelings for him and the scrupulous way in which she respected his privacy. The thought renewed an unaccustomed feeling of calm in him, and as he set the table he even smiled. Everyday tasks of life were so far removed from him that he took his time, sinking luxuriously into the mundane to give Zelda time to rest. By the time he had prepared their dinner, Severus felt outrageously contented.

"That was delicious. Is there anything you're not brilliant at?" Zelda asked, smiling at him as she sipped her wine. She still looked rather pale, but she was ravenous when she woke, and seemed much better after she had eaten.

"Human relationships," he responded cynically. "But with the right coaching perhaps I may have potential."

"You have great natural talent," she murmured appreciatively. "So much that I hate to turn to dreary reality. However, duty calls. Tomorrow we should find you something more suitable to wear than Elijah's clothes. Is there anything else you'll need that we can buy?"

"No, my girl, clothing is the easiest. As you wisely pointed out earlier, I cannot leave here without a plan, and I have no idea yet what it will be." He stood and began clearing the table, motioning her to stay seated.

When he began to wash the dishes, she laughed and came to stand behind him, putting her arms around his waist. She noticed that each time she held him, he seemed to tense just a little bit less, and welcomed her touch much more.

"I'll have failed 'Intro to Hostess,' if I lounge while you make dinner and wash the dishes. Did I even find you a toothbrush?" she asked.

"I did, in the bathroom cabinet. Do not worry about trivia," he replied. "Your grasp of essentials appears to be far better than my own."

"Keep washing dishes then," she said with a chuckle. "I'll dry. What would you like to do this evening?" At his wicked smirk, she grinned, saying, "That goes without saying, but I wonder if we shouldn't briefly come up for air."

"When I will leave here, I'll have a generous supply of air, but a complete dearth of you. But we will do whatever you would like to do, unless…" Severus asked queasily, "You do not wish to watch television, do you?"

"Goddess! Is that what you think of Muggles?" she replied in mock horror. "Since my son left home, the TV has become a plant stand. I must confess, however, that I visit the Internet often."

"The Internet?" he asked, curiously. "Is this something that I should know about?"

Zelda giggled. "It's the Muggle version of magic. Maybe I'll teach you to do a Google search someday. But it's getting dark now," she said, "Let's go watch the bats come out."

Severus looked at the old hammock on the lawn in surprise, and asked, "Why is it so huge?"

She smiled and said, "My kids gave it to me for my first, post-divorce birthday. They dragged it home from a garage sale. Lily, Elijah and I all used to fit in it, plus books, pillows and blankets. We used to sit here and read together for hours. We even slept over night in it."

In theory, Severus knew that they had each lived long years apart, but he felt a sudden pang of jealousy at the thought of Zelda, happy without him and loved by others. For the first time he wondered what sort of man had married her and left her. He climbed into the hammock next to her. The sky was clear and the first stars would soon be visible. "The bats, dear girl?"

"Very soon," she replied.

"Zelda," said Severus, despising his pathetic jealousy, "Why are you divorced?" When she tensed up, he felt a bit better.

"I'll tell you… but I may ramble, because I don't think of it much." She paused and sighed. "Do you hate that I was married? I'd hate it if the worst mistake I ever made, over two decades ago hurt you now." She snorted, and irritably continued, "Did that sound like I want you to feel guilty for asking? Maybe we shouldn't talk about this."

She sounded distressed, and Severus pulled her closer. "Nothing changes what I feel for you, my girl. But I now wish that I had met you long ago. I've been alone for most of my life, and I envy the loving relationships that you have had. I envy your children."

She turned and spoke softly into his ear. "I was married to Rob for thirteen years. Being alone since then is heaven." Her voice grew quieter; "I was depressed; I wished I was dead, except that I couldn't leave Lily and Elijah alone with their father. He's mentally ill, bipolar, manic-depressive, whatever. He used drugs, was appallingly promiscuous and lost his job. When I offered to stay with him and help get his life back on track…" She sighed, because Severus had twitched. "Yep, I was a fool. But I'd made a promise when we married and we had kids. Drug therapies could have made him better. Instead he left us and filed for divorce."

Severus looked up and said, "Your bats have arrived, darling." He was relieved to feel her relax, and looking down at her, saw her mesmerized by the shadowy, fluttering creatures. The stars were visible and he smiled when she cuddled closer to him. The bats enjoyed their nightly feeding frenzy, unaware of watchers. "Why do you like them?" Severus asked.

"They ask nothing of me, they're perfectly themselves and they belong to the night," she murmured. "Does it matter if I don't make sense? I just think they're splendid."

She stared at the stars for a long time. "I feel overwhelmed. I'm really not one who comes easily to trust and love, but I feel as if every loving relationship I've had has lead me to you now." She gave him a reluctant smile, saying shyly, "It's all about you, dear wizard. I think it was all about you long before today. I've only just found you, but whatever comes of this, I believe you're the love of my life, Severus Snape."

Severus studied her blue eyes and saw truth. He had never imagined that a woman could be so honest and generous, putting her self-doubt and fears aside to freely offer this gift of her love and trust. He kissed her gently and pulled her to her feet. They walked, hand in hand, back to the house, where bodies followed souls into the deepest kind of intimacy.

The dawn found Severus awake as he watched Zelda sleeping, trying to memorize her. There was no doubt, he thought, that finding her was worth all the misery from the rest of his life. When she told him, "You are the love of my life," he felt the wall he had constructed between himself and the world collapse.

He no longer felt consumed by bitterness, connected to life only by the goodness and love of Albus Dumbledore. He had thought no one but Dumbledore would ever care about him, but at the very moment that he finally gave way to despair, fate had thrown him across Zelda's path. She breezed through his carefully constructed wall as though it didn't exist, and she had touched him, although no one touched him. She laughed at him too, but kindly, not mockingly, inviting him to share the joke. She also laughed at herself, joyfully inviting him to have fun with her. He thought also about how she shared sensuality with him, and how his body felt fully alive again with her.

But kisses and lovemaking alone were insignificant; it was her tough mind and direct honesty that went straight to his heart.

'She is perfect for me,' thought Severus, 'she completes me.' He smiled; he wanted to share this moment with her. "Zelda," he whispered, "wake up, sweet girl."

She squeezed her eyes closed tightly, but her mouth was smiling as she said, "It's very early. What could you possibly want?"

He chuckled and said portentously, "The weather seems perfect today."

Her blue eyes flew open and she giggled, "What a relief. I was afraid you wanted to discuss educational theory. Now may I go back to sleep?" She closed her eyes determinedly.

"Are you able to? You seem far too alert, but go ahead. I'll watch," Severus said, and he waited, amused, for her to admit defeat. It only took a moment before she threw her arms around him again, kissing him long and lovingly.

"D' you know what?" asked Zelda, her eyes sparkling with fun. "If I were forced to watch any other people love each other this much, I'd puke."

His black eyes gleamed. "It is amusing that you say so," he answered, "I was forced to chaperone the Yule Ball at Hogwarts two years ago, and completely enjoyed blasting apart the rosebushes where students had gone for a bit of privacy, and taking points away from their houses."

"How curmudgeonly of you, my boy," Zelda replied, clearly amused. "If I'd been there, we could have made a scandal in the roses ourselves."

Severus became lost in thought, remembering how lonely his life had been before, and tightened his arms around her.

Zelda was troubled at his change of mood. She murmured thoughtfully, "If we were in a movie, it wouldn't be complete without the sexy shower scene."

She smiled wickedly and took his hand, pulling him out of bed. He followed, intrigued, and decided that they could converse again later.