Unforgivables?
The rest of that summer morning was spent reviewing Occlumency until all of them, except Severus, were completely exhausted. Severus made sandwiches and they all slumped wearily in the living room, eating in silence.
As usual, Zelda spoke first. "Professor Snape, have we made adequate progress? May we rest?" She leaned her head into his neck, closing her eyes, and he buried his nose in her soft hair.
"I am unable to criticize your work," he replied sternly, making her chuckle. "You must all rest for an hour. We shall plan to work on nonverbal spells after that."
Ron and Harry both nodded, and Hermione headed for the guest room, obviously in search of a nap.
Severus said, "Zelda, come outside with me. You need fresh air."
He helped her to her feet and led her out to the hammock. She crumpled into it, and he joined her, holding her against him while she fell deep asleep. Her presence soothed him and shortly afterward he too was snoring peacefully. After the hour allotted had passed, Hermione - punctual as ever - came outside. She watched them for a short time, then turned around and left them sleeping.
When Severus woke, Zelda was snoring softly into his shoulder. He considered waking her, but he knew how hard she had worked all morning with… he smirked to himself at the thought, her students. If Dumbledore were still Headmaster, Severus thought, he might have asked him to hire Zelda. The old wizard was just mad enough to have considered it, he thought fondly.
Severus was extremely pleased with the progress Potter and the others had made at Occlumency. If they kept practicing, and it seemed they finally had sense enough to, they would improve very quickly. Ironically, he wished he had more time to work with them, since he feared that out of the entire Order of the Phoenix, the best of them were here in Zelda's house. Certainly they were preparing for a daunting task. Perhaps if she didn't try to kill him on sight he could convince Minerva McGonagall to prod Lupin, Moody and those other morons to get back to work. Potter would have no chance unless the Dark Lord could be distracted from many directions at once. Perhaps Weasley could get his family refocused on the Order's mission. Bill Weasley's injuries must have distracted them, but they were sane and competent… and sorely needed.
Zelda was still sleeping soundly and he did not want to disturb her. Though it was far easier to deal with his students with her present, there was much that they needed to work on - so he eased out of the hammock and headed inside.
Riotous laughter came from the living room as he entered the house. A horrific crash followed, and Severus discovered that the trio had been keeping themselves busy by breaking all the glass objects in the room nonverbally… then repairing them nonverbally.
"Have you done the television yet?" he asked, stepping into the room. Weasley jumped, but Potter turned around smiling and said, "We haven't had the heart to, American TV's wicked, Professor. We're getting quite fond of it, and the Nintendo too."
"You seem to be making more progress today than you did in an entire year at Hogwarts," Severus said sardonically. "Tell me, do you believe that you have all mastered nonverbal spells?"
The three friends looked at each other nervously and Hermione slowly said, "We're much better than we were before."
"Excellent, Miss Granger," Severus said silkily, pulling out his wand and enlarging the room with a flick of his wand. "You may take turns attacking me. Ladies first. Now."
The next hour turned out to be somewhat more exhausting than Severus had planned, because his students had improved beyond anything he could have hoped. He repelled their attacks quite easily at first, but Weasley managed to hit him with a nonverbal Jelly-Legs Jinx that staggered him, causing the boy to whoop with glee. Severus silenced him, glaring, and retaliated with a Tickling Charm that sent him giggling to the ground. When Hermione moved to stop the spell, Severus smiled evilly and said, "Not yet, Miss Granger."
From the floor, a hysterically laughing Ron aimed a Tarantellegra at Severus, but missed and hit Harry, whose legs began dancing uncontrollably. Severus watched the pair of them for a moment, and said "Finite Incantatem."
Ron dragged himself weakly to his feet, grinning at knowing that he had actually managed to successfully jinx Professor Snape. He said to Hermione, "Fred and George won't believe it when I tell them about this!"
Harry was watching Snape closely, wondering if he would revert back to the old Professor Snape in Zelda's absence, but amazingly, he seemed okay with being successfully jinxed by a student. So fine, in fact that Harry, following a mad impulse, pointed his wand, but before he could even think Levicorpus, he was hanging upside down by one ankle.
"You have always lacked subtlety, Potter. Professor Dumbledore believed it would come with maturity. I hope he was right," Severus sneered. "I think it is time for recess, don't you?"
"Yes." Harry snarled, as blood rushed to his head. "Will you please let me down, Sir?"
Severus flicked his wand at Harry, who fell to the floor, bounding instantly to his feet with his wand ready.
"Will you please make tea, Potter?" Severus asked politely, ignoring Harry's mood. "I'll wake Zelda, and after we have taken a break I look forward to the pleasure of attacking all of you." At that, he turned and walked outside.
When Severus and Zelda entered the house, tea, sandwiches and cookies were waiting on the table. The teens looked worriedly at Zelda, but she seemed alert and well rested, smiling gently at him. She sat in her usual place next to Harry, with Severus next to her at the head of the small table. Hermione realized that Zelda's presence had fostered a fragile bond of trust between the two, and together the three had begun to seem a bit like an odd, dysfunctional family.
"Have you all behaved yourselves while I lazed the afternoon away?" Zelda asked them, biting into a sandwich.
"We smashed most of your belongings earlier," Harry laughed, having quickly recovered his good mood, "and then we attacked Professor Snape."
Zelda's eyes danced with amusement. "Really? And you let me sleep through that? I'm very disappointed."
Severus was charmed by her sincere lack of concern for mere possessions, since he was sure she had no idea everything had been repaired. He was eager to see what Zelda would make of magic; he had no doubt that she planned to witness everything, from this point on. "Presently I shall attack them," he said casually. "Do you plan to watch?"
"What'll happen if some hideous spell misses one of you and hits me?" Zelda replied. "I don't want to be maimed or killed in the name of entertainment."
"It's okay. We're not doing Unforgivable Curses, Zelda," Harry said hastily.
Zelda looked around at all of them, eyebrow raised enquiringly. "Unforgivable Curses?"
"There are three, Zelda," Ron told her. "The Imperius Curse, which controls someone's movements completely. The Cruciatus Curse, that's the torture curse. And Avada Kedavra, that's the killing curse."
"Oy vey," Zelda said, feeling quite ill. She took a gulp of her tea to steady herself, and looked around the table. "And you all can do those?"
"No! Zelda, it's not easy, and if you perform one you get sent to prison for life!" Ron said hastily. He remembered too late that Professor Snape had done one, and very recently, and looked warily at him.
Severus sat very still, eyes becoming cold and expressionless. He felt defiled; sitting among these innocent people and remembering Dumbledore's face at the moment he performed the Avada Kedavra. He moved to stand up and leave the room, but Zelda grasped his thin wrist and held onto him.
"Severus, look at me," Zelda ordered. Unwillingly, he met her gaze. Her eyes were stern, and she said, "It happened. You know why you did it, and you had no choice. I don't know what'll happen to you back there, or if there are exceptions for a case like this, but there should be."
His emotions would overcome him if he stayed longer, and he would not allow it in front of all of them. "Please let me go," he said hoarsely.
She let go, and he walked hastily out the back door. She looked grimly at the stunned teens and said, "Finish your tea please. I need to talk to him."
She found him sitting on the edge of the hammock, with his face in his hands, but he looked up at her approach. She knelt in front of him and caressed his cheek, which was now wet with his tears.
"Sev, it'll be all right. Dumbledore wouldn't have asked it of you unless it was worth the price, somehow." Her blue eyes shone with love, and for a moment, Zelda's eyes were so like Dumbledore's that he felt a little confused.
"…I was a Death Eater, I was consumed by my own rage and misery for so long. They," Severus nodded back at the house, "believe I am a monster. I chose to be a monster."
Zelda rose to sit next to him and put her arm around his waist, waiting for him to finish. He slipped his arm around her shoulders and turned to face her.
"I never did it before that night. I never killed anyone before, Zelda," he tol her, his voice very low; he was desperate to know if she believed him. If she did not, then no one ever would.
She hugged him and said, "Dunderhead. Look at me."
He looked up, startled at the gently spoken word, and she stroked his aching forehead with a soothing hand. "Of course I believe you. You don't lie to me, do you? Dear boy, it wouldn't matter this much to you if you were lying, would it?"
Severus said harshly, "They wanted me to kill. The bloody Death Eaters were so twisted, so excited by their own evil acts. I was sickened. I did not want to kill. Bellatrix Lestrange knows; she accused me of cowardice because I found ways to avoid going with them. I know that people were tortured and people died because I spied for… Voldemort." His eyes were icy with self-loathing. "But I never killed anyone until I killed Albus Dumbledore, the one person who made it possible for me to live with the past… I should not be among normal people, Zelda. I… I do not think I can go on with this." His hands were shaking, but he faced her honestly after he had finished exposing more of his heart than anyone but Albus Dumbledore had ever known.
They heard a gruff cough and looked up to see Harry Potter standing a few feet away, face expressionless. He had heard it all.
Severus groaned, but looked at the young man without flinching. "Potter, I have owed a debt to you since before you were born," he said dully. "I did not know when I told the Dark Lord of the prophecy that your mother was pregnant. My report, however, is the reason your parents were killed."
His face paled as he continued grimly, "Your father and I loathed each other, but I did not wish him to be killed. Nothing can undo the damage I did to you and your parents. I live with the fact of it every day. I am deeply sorry."
Harry studied Snape intently, realizing as he saw the man's cheeks wet with tears, that he was seeing what no one, except Zelda and perhaps Dumbledore had ever seen. Severus Snape… without his powerful defenses, without Occlumency, without anger, the sarcasm… and the malicious tongue that Harry had thought all there was to the man. He sank down to sit on the grass in front of them, dumbstruck for the moment - but feeling that he needed this resolution. They stared at each other for long moments, and Zelda stayed respectfully silent.
"It's so much more complicated than I knew," Harry said gruffly. "There's lots I didn't understand, and no one told me… I still don't know a lot."
Severus closed his eyes against the unbearable sight of Harry Potter coming to terms with this horrible piece of their mutual history. He dropped his head into his hands, the now familiar concussion pain pounding dully in his skull.
"Professor," Potter's voice was very close, and a hand touched his rigid shoulder tentatively. "It was Voldemort's fault. He chose to kill my parents, he's the murderer."
Severus looked up into Potter's face. Incredibly, he saw no anger there - merely sadness and confusion, but he thought he saw hope too. He waited, unable to guess what the boy would say next.
"I accept your apology, Professor," Harry said simply. "I believe you."
"Thank you," said Severus. He groaned, his head throbbing again, but continued, "I will do what I can to help you, you know."
"Yeah, I know," replied Harry, and the atmosphere between them suddenly became less dense. "You've already helped. You've been amazing here, we're learning tons. Um… when you're feeling better, will you please come in and attack us? We really need more practice."
In spite of his blinding headache, Severus held out his shaking hand to Harry, who grasped it firmly in a gesture of confidence. "My pleasure, Potter. Please give me half an hour and I'll be delighted to attack you." He nodded tentatively at Harry and turned to Zelda, who was wiping tears from her eyes. She kissed his cheek, before standing up to hug Harry - and kiss his cheek too.
"Are you going to tell Ron and Hermione about this, Harry?" Zelda asked, gazing earnestly into his eyes.
"No. Everything's complicated enough, so I don't want to talk about it with them. Anyway, it's not only my story to tell, is it?" said Harry thoughtfully.
"Good call, Potter," Zelda said briskly. "I think you should go back in to your friends and break up more of my treasured possessions for a bit. I want to make sure Severus rests before he does any more. Concussion is a serious injury."
"We're repairing everything, Zelda," Harry said anxiously. "Don't worry about it. We can wait."
"I wasn't worried about my things," she chuckled as she sat down next to Severus again. "Go finish your tea, and then work on your nonverbal spells. We'll be in pretty soon."
Zelda turned to Severus and after one glance at his rigid face, pulled him down to lie in the hammock with her, and he buried his face against her neck. She held him as he shed the bitter, shamed tears that he could no longer keep inside. She held him like that long after he grew still, and she rubbed his back and petted him as if he were a beloved child, until briefly… he slept.