Hawaiian Prank

'You go, Howard! And take those tacky Hawaiian shirts with you.'

Squinting down at the bumper sticker in his hands, Howard harrumphed. His Hawaiian shirts were the height of fashion.

At least the height of his fashion sense.

Grumbling under his breath about the, 'Damn kid,' Howard stomped over to the vidphone and hit Speed Dial D – nominally for 'Duo', but Death, Destruction, and Dimwit had also made an appearance.

Anyone want to take a guess on which one Howard thought it stood for in this instance?

Impatiently drumming his fingers on the wall as he waited for someone to pick up the now ringing phone, Howard schooled himself to at least get out his question before yelling at his adopted son/nephew.

He had a feeling it would be easier thought than done, though. No idea why that could be, ne?

Finally, the ringing stopped, signaling that someone had picked up the other end. It was another five seconds before a picture appeared on the screen – Howard made a mental note to fix the time lag on the audio-visual interface – of a young man with long chestnut-colored hair in a braid, a smile widening his face as he caught sight of the caller.

"Howie!" Duo greeted his friend enthusiastically. "How ya doin'?"

"What in name of Halley's Comet is this?" Howard roared, brandishing the bumper sticker he'd received in front of the monitor. He was so enraged that his hand was shaking back and forth, thus making it hard for Duo to make out the white print on the royal blue backing.

Duo blushed. "Er…a prank war?" he offered.

Howard's brow furrowed above his habitually-worn, rain or shine, sunglasses. "A what?"

Face growing even redder, Duo repeated, "A prank and insult war." Seeing Howard's still-uncomprehending look, he explained, "Everyone sends other people we know T-shirts or bumper stickers with annoying sayings, and some of us also prank people."

"And you decided I needed to join in the fun?" Howard asked dryly, familiar with his adopted nephew's sense of humor and 'fair' play.

"Wasn't me!" Duo was quick to defend himself. "I've been gettin' hit more than I've been hittin' people."

Howard's expression of disbelief would have been comical if it wasn't for the fact that Duo Maxwell being out-pranked was unheard of.

Until that moment, at any rate…

"You're shittin' me, right?" Howard said. "No one can out-prank you." He should know; he'd tried. And so had pretty much every single one of the Sweepers, all to no avail.

Duo looked taken aback by the comment. "What! No, of course not, Howie," he was quick to reassure the older man. "Barely anyone's actually pranked people but me so far. I meant that I've been receiving more T-shirts and bumper stickers than anyone else." He grinned. "And I've preferred to prank people rather than track down annoying and insulting sayings."

Howard mulled the newly received information over for a moment. Having decided on a course of action – namely, getting some of his own back – he asked, "Exactly what's the chain so far? I want to get in on this, but I don't want to go after someone who everybody's gotten."

Duo chuckled. "Well, that's good to hear, Howie, 'cause I've been hit more'n anybody."

Howard grunted. "Serves you right, kid," he chided gently, the twinkle in his eye letting Duo know he wasn't serious.

Rolling his eyes, Duo said, "I know, I know."

"So?" Howard prompted.

Duo screwed up his face and tapped his finger on his chin in a caricature of thought. "Hmm… Lemme think. I put pink dye in 'Fei's shampoo, and he did something – I don't know what – to the Ozzies, and they TP'd our safehouse…"

Howard nearly busted a gut laughing.

Duo grimaced sourly, the heat from his glare searing the older man even over the vidphone line. "Yeah, yeah. Yuck it up, old man – now that you've been pulled into the game you'll be getting hit a lot more."

Wiping his eyes of laughter-induced tears, Howard said sincerely, "I'm looking forward to it, kid. So what happened after you got rolled?"

"Well, Trowa got hit – popular opinion is that it was Une, 'cause she's still sore over him remaining undiscovered in OZ for so long – and then the rest of the pilots and I hit the Ozzies again. Quatre decided to hit Zechs – and he hacked into the lights for one of Quat's buildings and spelled out 'Duo is Dumb' in blacked out windows." Duo frowned as Howard laughed once more. "Then I hit Une, and Une hit me – and man, does that lady have a sick mind! – and I hit Treize, who hit Quatre," Duo listed.

"I didn't even think Count Kushy knew Quatre," Howard interjected, his lingering irritation at the former OZ general plain to hear in his voice.

Duo shrugged. "I think Quat mentioned something about their fathers traveling in the same circles. Anyway, Quat got Wufei – though I think Wuffers is in denial about that – and he got Relena. She wouldn't go after anyone on her own, so Dorothy did it for her, and got Trowa. Trowa went after Zechs – very inventive phrase, I thought – and Zechs threw his life, not just caution, to the wind by insulting Dorothy."

Howard blinked. "Dorothy Catalonia?" he asked with blatant incredulity. The woman had never used the ZERO system, but she could be even more psychotic without it than if she had.

Duo nodded. "Yup. And Dorothy thought I sent her the insult, so she got me back."

"All of them and it's only just now getting around to me?" Howard demanded, incongruously hurt that he'd been left out of the game even though moments before, he'd been raging at Duo for getting him into this mess.

Duo chuckled. "I don't think anyone thought it would last this long," he explained. "And there's still more to go."

Howard's eyes went wide behind his sunglasses. "More?" he squawked.

Duo nodded. "After Dorothy got me back, Chang decided to go after Treize out of turn – though I don't think anyone's really waiting to be hit at this point before hitting someone else – and I pranked the entire base." He gave a self-satisfied smile at his accomplishment, before finishing off with, "Noin went after Heero, and I got Quatre, who got Sally…who got you." Duo pointed his finger directly at the older man from across space.

Howard grimaced. "What's she got against me?" he grumbled.

Duo snorted. "Maybe the fact that you ogle her breasts every time you see her?"

Howard blushed beneath his sunglasses and coughed into his closed fist. "Er…right."

"I would suggest not going after her – but you never listen to me, so…" Duo shrugged. His eyes slanted to the side and he jumped. "Whoa! Look at the time – I gotta get to work." Turning back to the vidphone screen, he said, "Sorry, Howie, but I gotta go."

"That's all right, kid, I understand," Howard assured him. "You make sure you call me more often, okay?"

"Will do," Duo replied, and then the picture fizzled out, the screen returning to its inert black.

Howard stood staring at the vidphone for a moment before smirking as an idea came to him. "Maybe I never listen to the kid…but at least I have fun!" He cackled a laugh and headed off to track down an appropriate saying.