Warning: Mentions of cutting, sex, cross-dressing, and sort of slash concerning Snape's character, don't like it, don't read it.

Ships: Hr/DT, Hr/BZ, Hr/SF, Hr/NL, Hr/DM, Hr/RW, Hr/FW. SS/SS (more specifically Crossdressing!Snape/Potionsmaster!Snape). DM/GW. RW/LB.

Summary: The whole school is in an uproar when some bizarre things start to happen. Snape has been seen prancing around...in a dress. Hermione's started to act quite unlike herself, and Draco Malfoy is having a nervous breakdown. DM/GW, Hr/Boys, SS/SS

Era: 5th year, unrelated to the events of OOTP. Also, I decided to make Lavender like Ron earlier then 6th year.

Genre: Humor/Angst

Rated: T

Author's Message:

This is for a Challenge by TheColdestTouch on FA.

Special thanks to my Beta Kindali Sidera. And Thank you everyone who read, and thank you to the lovely people who reviewed:

Meh- Thank you.

Aweirdoperson – Lol, read and find out. Thank you for reviewing my other story as well, I will be working on more D/G stories when I finish the stories I'm currently working on.

SlytherinEssence – Okay, I shall.

Kindali Sidera – Thank you for your help! I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter. Enjoy!

Chapter Two

The Potions dark classroom was lit up for a few seconds by a backfiring of Neville's cauldron, and Seamus Finnigan who was working with him let out a loud cry of pain as the potion slopped onto his front robes.

"You alright there?" Dean called to his friend. Dean was working with Hermione and she was covering her mouth behind her hand, apparently in laughter.

"Finnigan! Longbottom!" Snape's angry voice was heard above the commotion. "What do you two think you're doing? Ten points from Gryffindor for not following the instructions. Finnigan, clean yourself up before you break into boils."

Seamus hurriedly started to clean himself off.

"Neville, you're going to be the death of us all," Dean said in a joking manner.

Hermione let out a giggle, a giggle they had never heard from her until today.

Harry, Parvati, Ron and Lavender shot her yet another confused and intrigued glance for the now countless time that Potion's class. Hermione's flirtatious giggle and coy touching of Dean Thomas' arm was very odd to see.

Harry and Ron glanced at each other worriedly. Since when had Hermione hit on Dean, let alone any guy? Dean flushed slightly and Ron shot him a look.

"What is she playing at?" Ron growled.

Harry raised an eye and noticed Lavender's upset face.

"Ron, here, let me do that," she said, taking the bottle of spider eyes from his hands, being sure to touch her hands on his.

"Sure," Ron said, blushing as well.

Lavender smiled sweetly at him as she poured a few eyes into the potion.

The potions class continued and Hermione and Dean continued to flirt, causing even Snape to glance at them with a loathing glare.

The students started to clean up and Snape went around, surveying each of their potions. "Good job Mr. Malfoy, five points to Slytherin." He moved to Ron's and Lavender's potion. "This is far too thick, you should have added less Spider eyes." Lavender's face fell, and she looked embarrassed. "Mr. Thomas, let go of Ms. Granger's hand! This is a place of learning!"

Every student fell silent and their eyes turned to Hermione and Dean, who were trying to look discrete and failing miserably.

"Sorry, Professor," Hermione muttered under her breath.

"Holding hands?" the whispers started.

Hermione looked down, but a tiny smile was playing on her lips.

Dean then leaned up to her ear and whispered something. Ron was watching them incredulously, getting redder with anger by the second.

Hermione's voice was normal, and she glanced at Ron as she said, "Dean."

"Yeah?" he said, trying to stop himself from blushing.

"I'd love to have lunch with you," she said, then turned away from Ron, smiling brightly.

Lavender made a 'pssh' noise and rubbed Ron's shoulder.

"Don't worry about her," Lavender whispered. "She's just trying to make you jealous."

Ron turned to her. "What do you mean, jealous? Why would I be jealous of her?!"

Lavender grinned mischievously. "Exactly. Come on, let's get cleaned up."

---

Over the next few mornings Dean Thomas and Hermione Granger were the talk of the school.

"She's wearing make-up," whispered one Hufflepuff.

"She looks awfully pretty," whispered a Ravenclaw.

"No wonder he's dating her, they're such a cute couple. I've never seen her act like that before," whispered a Gryffindor.

"They're disgusting!" Ron groaned loudly at the table. "They're making out around every corner! Haven't they ever heard of decency?"

"Ron, she clearly likes him is all," Ginny grumbled, annoyed at her brother.

"But look at how much make-up she's wearing! It's like she's trying to show off or something," Ron said.

"She wears as much as I do," Ginny countered.

"Well, you both are wearing way too much! I forbid you from wearing so much!" Ron said.

"You can't tell me what to do!"

"Oh, Ronnie," Lavender said, placing her arms around his neck. "Leave them alone. She doesn't deserve you."

Ron went quiet, thankful for her distraction. "You think?"

"I know," she said sweetly.

Harry and Ginny exchanged looks and rolled their eyes; Ron was so mixed up with what he wanted.

They began to pack up, and head to their first classes of the day.

---

It was the middle of the afternoon and Potions had just gotten out.

Draco bolted from the class alone. Pansy had to speak with the Potion's Master, and he didn't want to stick around for a half-hour to listen to her try to coax a few extra credit points out of him. He headed to the Great Hall for lunch, and as he rounded a corner he ran into a moving person, smack!

He stumbled to the ground, dropping his belongings with the person who he had bumped into.

"Bloody hell!" He rubbed his forehead. "Watch where you're going...Weaselette!" He saw the red-headed Weasley girl holding her hand to her forehead.

"Ouch!" she cried. "That really hurt, damn you Malfoy, why didn't you watch where you were going?"

Draco stood up, glaring at her. "You ran into me!"

"I did not!" The girl stood up as well, glaring at him furiously. "You ran into me!"

He rolled his eyes, and bent down to pick up his things.

"Oh my God! What did that to your hand?" her cry rang out.

He threw her a menacing look. "Shut up! It's none of your fucking business."

He scooped up his books, and kicked hers out of the way.

"But Malfoy-" Ginny said, her concern was breaking through her hatred.

"Drop it now, Weaselette! And you tell anyone, I'll personally kill you." Draco took off, leaving the perturbed Weasley behind.

Ginny turned back to her books, and picked them up.

"Weasley," came a female's voice.

She turned to see Pansy coming down the hall, an odd look in her eye.

Damn Slytherin's, why can't they just leave me alone?

"Yes?" Ginny asked in disdain.

"What were you talking to my Draco about?"

"Nothing," Ginny said. "He bumped into me. Why? Afraid your boyfriend has got the hots for me?"

Pansy growled, "Not at all! I was just wondering what amazing insults he threw at you today. Now, if you'll excuse me."

Pansy moved passed her with her nose high in the air as if she was one of the most important creatures on this earth. Ginny groaned and rolled her eyes.

Trouble in paradise I assume.

---

The Great Hall was not where Draco headed; he instead made his way down to the Slytherin common room, where he stormed his way down a flight of stairs and into his dormitory. The room was silent and empty because his roommates were at lunch.

Fucking Weasley needs to keep her nose out of MY business!

He ran a hand through his blonde hair as he reached into his trunk.

Where is it? Aha, here it is.

He pulled out a short silver dagger engraved with his family crest.

"Want to feel pain?" he asked aloud, not sure who he was addressing. It could have been anyone: his parents, the Weasley, the Dark Lord or even Pansy. "I can't feel it any more thanks to you."

He ran the knife's edge in a vertical line down his forearm. He gritted his teeth and watched the blood spill out in one solid line. He struck his skin again, in a shallow cut near his wrist. His eyes closed for a moment, dizzy and nauseated.

He was shaking now as he took up the knife to cut again. His stomach let out a low rumble; he hadn't eaten in over two days.

You're stronger then this. He told his shaking hand. Get a grip; embrace the pain.

The cut on his arm was deeper this time, and he nearly cried out.

Fuck! He bit his lower lip and brought the knife into the bathroom, running it under the water. The water filled with the rustic color of blood, and then faded to clear again.

If this is the only way to feel again, then it isn't so bad, he told himself. Maybe he wouldn't have to try and feel for much longer...Then his thoughts went to Pansy, and any thought of suicide drifted away. He may not love the Slytherin, but she was something to live for in some strange deranged way. Hate could keep him going.

---

Lavender Brown sat herself across from the new couple Hermione and Dean. Hermione smiled brightly, nothing could bring her down right now, not even the rude Gryffindor who kept throwing insults at her.

"Hello you two," Lavender said.

"Hello," Dean greeted.

"Hey, Lavender." Hermione smiled.

I bet I look prettier then her, Hermione thought smugly. Wait, what was that?

Dean played with her hair as they sat, kissing her on the cheek occasionally. She liked this boyfriend thing; it was actually a lot of fun.

"Have you seen Ron anywhere?" Lavender asked.

"Yeah, he and Harry went up to the common room to get a Defense book, they have to finish their essays. I already finished mine; it's on the common protection spell in comparison to the other harder spells that wizards never use."

"Fascinating my love," Dean said amused, he clearly couldn't have cared what the essay was on. He kissed her forehead.

Hermione giggled, "You are too much." She smiled and reached for her goblet of pumpkin juice, but as she did so, she couldn't help but be a little bored of everything. She just wasn't being exciting enough yet. She needed something more. She took a sip of her drink.

"Well, when they get back, tell Ron I said hi," Lavender stood up and pranced away, or that's how it looked in Hermione's opinion.

I ought to do something with my clothes, Hermione thought. They're just so plain and boring.

"Are the potatoes any good?" she asked Dean who was pouring a load onto his plate.

"Yes," he smiled. "Want some?"

He poked his fork into one, and she nodded gleefully. She opened her mouth and took the food gratefully.

"Delicious," she said. But all the while, her mind was on her outfits, trying to think what she could possibly do with them.

I've gone mad! She told herself. Dean fed her another potato, watching her closely as if she were wonderful to watch. And it's kind of fun.

---

Ron and Harry were heading back from the Gryffindor common room looking forward to lunch. Both had Defense books under their arms and parchment in their hands.

"I wonder if Hermione will help us out on these," Harry said, looking at his nearly blank piece of parchment.

"Doubt it," Ron said sourly. "She's too busy making out with Dean."

Harry stifled an amused laugh at Ron's jealousy. "Well, I'm sure she'll help us, she hates to see us fail."

They got quiet as they heard a sing-song voice coming from an empty potion storage room ahead of them. The sound slowly became louder as they got closer.

"...What can I do, to make you mine. Falling so hard so fast this time. What did I say, what did you do? How did I fall in love with you?"

The two Gryffindor's exchanged looks and a silent communication of 'We've got them now!'

"I hear your voice and I start to tremble. Brings back the child that I resemble."

Harry reached for the doorknob, and as he did so he felt a heavy breath on the back of his neck, and a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Snape looming down at him.

"Where do you two think you're going?" Snape growled.

"Um, we were just erm… I mean," Ron muttered.

But Harry was less thrown off from his least favorite teacher. "Who's singing in there, Professor?"

"Singing?" Snape growled. "I don't hear any singing."

"I cannot pretend that we can still be friends. Don't want to be alone tonight." The voice that came through the door was undeniable, but still Snape stared at them as if he couldn't hear a thing.

"You can't hear that, sir?" Harry asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Are you calling me a liar, Potter?" Snape growled.

"Either that or you're clearly deaf," Harry muttered almost incoherently under his breath.

"Five points from your house, Potter, for being an insufferable brat! Now get to lunch before I am forced to take more points!"

"But-"

"Come on, Harry," Ron said worriedly, as Snape looked like he was about to spew venom.

Harry turned away and the two walked off silently.

"What do you reckon that was about?" Ron asked. "Why does Snape keep stopping us from seeing that person?"

"I think he's having a love affair!" Harry declared. "That's got to be it."

"Not a student?"

"No, but definitely with a man," Harry grumbled disgusted. "Snape is revolting!"

Ron grimaced even more. "That's bloody disgusting! Ew! I can't get that image out of my head! Ew! Ew!"

"We don't even know what they look like," Harry said.

"I know, I'm just getting an image of Snape kissing someone like Filch or something! Ew! That's even more disgusting!"

"Ron, now I've got that image! Get it out!"

The two boys, revolted, headed to dinner, but had lost their appetites and were not looking forward to potions the next day.

---

But Potions that next day came, and Snape completely ignored them. They got into class early and Ron paired with Lavender.

"Harry, Seamus refuses to work with me again," came Neville's squeaky voice. "Can I be your partner for this potion?"

Harry thought for a moment and then shrugged. "Sure, Neville." He was likely to fail anyway, no matter who he was partnered with.

As the class filed in, it was Hermione that caught everyone's eye. Harry and Ron's mouth fell open and even Lavender went a little ridged with astonishment.

She had on a pair of black panty hoes underneath her almost to-short-for-school skirt. Her shirt was very low cut, revealing an unnecessary amount of cleavage and her eyes were outlined with a heavy amount of black eyeliner.

"My God!" shouted a Slytherin in bafflement. "The Mudblood actually looks sexy."

"Shut it!" growled the Slytherin's girlfriend.

"You look wonderful," Dean said, coming up behind her. "Ignore anything they have to say."

But Hermione didn't want to ignore it. The attention was on her, and she was loving every minute of it. Her eyes landed on Ron who was staring at her, his mouth wide. She smiled to herself, and took a hold of Dean's hand and they settled themselves by a cauldron.

"Ms. Granger, your attire is teetering on the inappropriate side," Snape said above the classroom muttering. "If you don't be more careful with how you dress, I might be forced to assign you detention."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you, Snape?" sniggered one of the Gryffindor's.

Snape's eyes flashed to them and he pursed his lips, but said nothing. Instead, he turned to the chalkboard and began to write the instructions for that day's potion.

Two Slytherin's at the far end of the room were distracting Harry greatly as he worked on his potion. They were arguing in soft voices and uttering obscenities to one another.

"Fuck you!"

Harry turned around to see who was making all this trouble when he realized it was Draco and Pansy. They looked furious, as if one of them was going to pull a sword out and stab the other.

"What's gotten into them?" Harry asked Neville, who only ignored him because he was too busy trying to get the right amount of snakes skin down.

---

"You were flirting with her!" Pansy hissed under her breath.

"Was not!" Draco growled, tossing in a handful of snakeskin into the boiling potion.

"And you haven't been eating," Pansy said.

"What does it matter to you?"

"I care about you!"

"Yeah right!"

"Draco! I don't want to do this with you, we always do this."

"Do what?"

"Fight!"

"We've never fought before, love," Draco said. "Not really."

"Well, I'm fed up with you!"

"What the fuck do you want me to say? I wasn't flirting with her! I'm not cheating on you. And I'm not having a mental break down."

"Oh please, Draco." Pansy rolled his eyes. "You're a bastard."

"Oh just say what you have to say and get on with it."

"I saw the way you looked at her, she wants you, and you want her more then you want me."

"I don't want Tara!"

"I wasn't talking about Tara! Oh my God! You want Tara, I knew it!"

"No, I don't! Who did you bloody think I was talking about?"

"I was talking about that fucking Weasley!"

"WHAT?" Draco bellowed. "You thought I liked HER? That bloody disgusting slum house of a girl?"

"Mr. Malfoy!" Snape bellowed. "Keep your voice down."

Draco's voice dropped, but he was still disgusted. "How could you think that?"

"I saw it in your eyes, Draco, you want anyone but me. You keep avoiding me. You're not eating. You keep lying to me!" Pansy said. "I think we should break up."

"But… what? Wait, no! You don't break up with me! I'm Draco-Bloody-Malfoy! You DO NOT break up with me, bitch." Draco was angry.

"Fuck you, Draco," Pansy said. "Get away from me."

Pansy moved to another table to work with Blaise and Millicent, leaving Draco all alone. He stared after her in complete disbelief. How could she have broken up with him? How? Why? What had he done? This wasn't allowed!

---

The rest of the class was awful. Snape was breathing down every Gryffindor's neck, taking points off for every little mistake.

"We're not going to have any bloody points left," Ron groaned, as they reached the end of the class.

Snape told them all to bottle their potions and bring it to his desk when they were done.

"Won-Won," Lavender pouted, as she poured their liquid into a vile. "Could you wait after class for me? I have something to talk to you about."

"Sure," Ron said, and he began to clean up their mess.

Hermione and Dean left first out of the class, having done the potion perfectly, leaving Snape nothing to criticize; that left him in a very bad mood for the rest of the students, who turned in their vials reluctantly.

"Dismal Potter, utterly dismal!" Snape said, and marked them down with the lowest grade possible.

Harry grumbled and he and Neville grabbed their stuff to leave.

"You coming, mate?" Harry asked Ron.

"I have to wait for Lavender, wait for me outside," Ron said.

"Okay," Harry said, and he and Neville went to the door to wait.

Lavender came back, smiling gleefully. "We got an okay grade," she told him.

"Oh good," he said, staring at her curiously.

"So, Ron," Lavender said after a pause. "I've been waiting for you to ask me out for a while...But I can't wait much longer. I'm a very impatient woman."

"Huh?" Ron said, and then it dawned on him. "You want me to ask you out?"

"Do you want to ask me out?" Lavender asked coyly.

"Oh, sure...erm I mean, would you like to go out?" Ron asked, stammering like mad, his ears turning pink.

"I'd love to!" Lavender squealed, taking his arm.

Ron blushed harder and Harry and Neville peered into the room.

"You coming, Ron?"

"Yeah, hold on," Ron said. "I have to get my things together."

Lavender let him go so that he could pack up; she signaled for Harry and Neville to join them.

"Guess what?" Lavender said as they came over.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Ron and I are going out!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, congratulations, mate," Harry said.

Ron looked up. "Oh, um, t-thanks."

They heard the door to Snape's office open, and they looked over to see Snape exiting it, and he had a hanger in his hand, and on that hanger was a sparkling magenta dress.

But that wasn't the worst of it: Snape wasn't in the dark robes he had been in a few moments earlier... no, he was in a sparking white dress, the neck of which swooped down his front in big waves. The dress was tight against his body, and took on his shape.

The four watched him in utter disbelief, but Snape didn't notice them as he picked up the vials from class and disappeared back into the office.

"No bloody way!" came Harry's appalled voice. "There's just no way!"

Songs:

"How Did I Fall In Love With You?" Backstreet Boys