Author: evansentranced
Disclaimer: Harry isn't mine. The Potter bit isn't either. JK Rowling is a wonderful, kind generous and caring person who would never sue poor unsuspecting little me...right?
Summary: Was Lily really skinning cows? I don't know. Do you? Well, you'd best read and find out...
Remus cleared his throat importantly and explained, "The Theory of a Stable Hogwarts through Stable Dysfunctionality is an old theory. Most witches and wizards tell their children about it as a bedtime story. I know mine did, anyway"
"Mine did!" Peter volunteered.
"Mine too!" Matilda added cheerfully. Soon Lily would understand.
"Yes well," Remus glared at them all, a warning to keep quiet as he ushered them out of the common room and down the hall. "The TSHSD states that Hogwarts requires at least one dysfunctional couple to maintain order. They can't actually be a couple, they're just always around each other, and for the most part frustrate each other beyond reason."
"That fits these two perfectly." Peter whispered to Matilda, who nodded empathetically.
"So basically, if James and Lily were to get together, or even get along, Hogwarts would collapse." Remus concluded.
There was a brief silence as they waited for a staircase to reappear, then Lily snorted derisively. "You can't honestly expect me to believe that, can you?"
"Well its legend," Remus explained. "Rumor has it that the headmaster keeps track of every dysfunctional couple that comes through during his reign. And when one couple gets together, or leaves, he nudges another couple into stable dysfunctionality."
"You can'treally expect me to believe that Dumbledore encourages students to hate each other!" Lily said disbelievingly.
"He has to," Remus said simply. "Which do you think he prefers: a couple of students fighting, or the whole school in chaos?"
"My mum told me it goes back to the Founders themselves," Matilda said seriously, automatically jumping a missing step. "All the way back to Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin fighting over students and whether or not Salazar barrowed Godric's favorite hat and spilled blood all over it."
"Blood?" Lily laughed. "And what kind of chaos? Like people screaming and running around like chickens with their heads cut off?"
"Chickens with their heads cut off?" Peter asked in shocked surprise, nearly falling into the missing step. "Where'd you get such a gory idea?"
Lily paused and looked around at the disturbed looks she was receiving. "It's a muggle saying," she said defensively. "You witches and wizards are too thin-skinned. Using magic for everything will do that to you. Never have to get your hands dirty."
The disturbed looks just got more disturbed. Matilda gave her a wary glance and said, "So, you mean to say you've chopped off a chicken's head and watched it run around?"
"Do they actually do that?" Peter wondered.
"No!" Lily said uneasily, "Well, I mean, they do that, I think, but I've never done it."
"So what have you done to get your hands dirty then?" Remus asked. "Skin a kneazel, perhaps? Drown puppies?"
"Skin a--no! Muggles don't even have kneazels! They have cats!" Lily sputtered, turning red.
"So you skinned a cat? Lily, say it isn't so!" Matilda cried.
"NO!" Lily protested, "I've never skinned a cat! I promise! I just meant--"
"So what have you skinned then? A cow? Got bored of tipping them, did you?" Remus asked accusingly.
"Lily? You're skinning cows?" James asked, coming up behind them suddenly.
"I'm not skinning anything!" Lily yelled in frustration. And with that, she shot James a withering glare and stomped off.
"Whoa. What'd I do?" James asked confusedly. Matilda just rolled her eyes at him and dashed off after Lily. James turned to Remus and Peter, and asked, "What just happened?"
"Lily started talking about beheading chickens, and so I said-"
"Wait, Lily wants to decapitate chickens!" James asked, feeling more and more confused by the second.
"No, Lily isn't going to kill any chickens, James." Remus said with a grin. "Peter just misunderstood her. Matilda as well, I think."
"Hey, you thought she was serious too!" Peter said shrilly, rounding on Remus.
"I was just taking the mickey," Remus clarified.
"Could someone please explain what's going on?" James asked rubbing his forehead.
'Lily used this muggle phrase, 'running around like a chicken with its head cut off '," Remus explained, "And Peter and Matilda, having had no contact whatsoever with muggles, took it literally."
James smiled. "Oh, I get it. We did a section on muggle sayings in my Muggle Studies class. The professor said we need to understand what they're saying if we want to understand them. I remember because he asked for examples and Lily said something really amazing about a thousand bats and a moment with a Kodiak bear, I think."
Remus shook his head and grinned at James, who had a distant look on his face. "You sure do like your Muggle Studies, don't you James?"
"Muggles? Oh, yeah, love 'em." James said. "Lets go to breakfast…"
After breakfast, during which Lily avoided James at all costs, and Remus, Peter and Matilda did absolutely nothing to stop her, they all went to their first class, Charms, feeling as though all was right with the world.
In Charms, Professor Flitwick was having them practice Silencing Charms. Lily and Matilda sat together, trying to silence the ravens they'd been given, and talking in low tones.
"I'm just saying it's insane," Lily whispered, "I mean, you can't tell me there's a giant conspiracy surrounding my dislike of James. It - Silencio! - just doesn't make sense! I've always hated him. Dumbledore had no part of it!"
"How can you know that?" Matilda answered, poking her raven with the end of her wand, causing it to caw loudly at her. "Stupid bird… As far as we know, Dumbledore was conspiring since the first moment you saw each other! And I don't remember you hating him in first year."
"Yes, well, I didn't like him then either." Lily said mutinously. "Silencio!" She smiled triumphantly as her raven was cut off mid-caw.
"But you didn't hate him till he started picking on first years," Matilda said, now rummaging through her bag. "And I know he didn't start with that till at least second year. He never picked on his own year."
"Oh really?" Lily asked, now watching James and his friends, who were sitting in front of them. "Does the name 'Severus' ring a bell? Or should I say 'Snivellus'?"
Matilda straightened up, pulling a small box from her bag and eyeing Lily apprehensively. Whenever she got started about Snape, things were liable to break. A distraction was in order, Matilda decided.
"Hey, Lily, I've got a plan to get this stupid bird to shut up," Matilda said loudly, showing her the box.
Peter heard her and turned around hopefully. "Do you really? D'you think I could see? I need all the help I can get."
"Sure Peter," Matilda said warmly. Even if Lily hated James, neither of them minded his other friends. As she reached into the box, she noted Lily and all the Marauders had paused to watch her curiously. With a small flourish, she pulled a wriggling mouse out of her container and dangled it in front of the raven.
"C'mon, raven, raven, raven," she cooed. The raven perked up and eyed the mouse beadily. Peter suddenly looked very ill. "Want the tasty rat, raven?"
"Matilda," Remus said cautiously, "I don't think you should do that."
"Why ever not, Remus?" Matilda asked pleasantly.
Peter looked very close to fainting as Matilda dipped the squeaking mouse close to the bird, who jabbed at it with its beak. Matilda quickly pulled the rodent out of reach and said, "Now, now, raven. If you want the lovely mouse, you be quiet when Professor Flitwick comes around, you hear?"
The raven cawed once in response and grew very quiet. Remus, Sirius and James looked sick, eyes darting from the mouse in Matilda's hand and Peter, whose face had drained of all colour.
"Matilda, you're a genius!" Lily said, grinning. "Bribe the thing! Why, that's positively Slytherin!"
James choked. "And you think that's a good thing!" he asked incredulously.
Lily eyed him distastefully. "In this case, yes, it is," she said coldly.
"I don't think it is," Sirius said, glancing at Peter again. "Professor! Professor, I think Peter's going to be sick!"
"I think I'm going to be sick," Remus said, holding his stomach and staring at the mouse. Matilda glared at them and stowed the rat away as Flitwick hurried over.
"What's going on, children?" he asked in his squeaky voice.
"Peter looks like he's gonna hurl," Sirius said, scooting his chair away from him. "Hurl or faint."
"Well, now, we can't have that, can we?" Flitwick said in alarm. "Now dear boy, I realize I'm not a trained Healer like your Madam Pomphrey, but I think I can make a stomach ache go away. What do you say?"
Peter groaned slightly and nodded his head. The professor waved his wand and soon Peter looked normal, if a little pale.
"Thank you, sir." he said uneasily.
"No problem, not at all," Flitwick said, clapping his hands. "Now, how have you all done with your spells?"
Lily showed him her silenced raven proudly.
"Fantastic, Miss Evans! And you, Miss Marsh?"
Matilda pointed her wand at her raven and said, "Silencio!"
The raven dutifully kept it's beak shut and Professor Flitwick beamed. "Wonderful! Now, Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin? Lets see yours!"
Sirius and Remus looked at each other and cast the spell at the same time. The bullfrogs they had been practicing on croaked, but no sound came out. They grinned as Flitwick praised them, and watched with the rest as he tested Peter and James.
"C'mon, Jamsie, lets see your best!" Sirius said cheekily.
"Yeah, Jamsie," Lily said in amusement. "Lets see."
James' face colored fantastically, and he stuttered out the spell. "Si-sil-ensio!"
His raven looked at him defiantly and let out a caw. "Nevermore! Nevermore!"
James and Professor Flitwick stared at the quothing raven as Sirius and Remus cracked up.
"Raven!" Sirius yelled, shaking with laughter, "Quothe the raven…"
"Nevermore." the raven cawed derisively.
Most of the class joined in their laughter, and James continued to stare.
Remus adopted a tragic pose. "Doubtless," he said, "what it utters is its only stock and store."
"Nevermore"
"Is there, is there balm in Gilead? Tell me, tell me I implore!"
"Nevermore."
"Wretch!" Sirius cried out in glee. "Respite and repenthe from Jamsie's memories of 'Lenore'!" Here he looked pointedly at Lily.
"Nevermore."
"Quiet, you stupid bird!" James said suddenly.
"Nevermore."
Sirius fell to the floor, rolling around and roaring with laughter. Remus grinned.
"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" he said cheerfully. James stood up suddenly, glaring at Remus.
"Its not funny!" he said, supremely annoyed. It was apparent that most of the class disagreed with him, as even Professor Flitwick had gotten over his initial shock and was now laughing along with everyone else. James ran to the window and threw it open, yelling, "Out! Out now! Go away!"
"Leave… no black plume… as a token… of the lie…thy soul hath spoken…" Sirius gasped helplessly from the floor.
"Leave my loneliness unbroken!" Remus added, shooing the bird, which flew out the window, cawing one last time before disappearing,
"Nevermore."
James slammed the window shut and stomped back to his desk amid gales of laughter. He plopped down and cast an irritable look and his friends, who had yet to stop. They were still quoting Poe at each other and snickering. He glanced at Peter, who was staring over James' shoulder in horror. James looked back in confusion, just in time to see Matilda drop the mouse in front of her raven.
"Good boy," she cooed softly, she and Lily watching interestedly as the raven devoured the helpless mouse. He heard a thump and swiveled around to find Peter laying unconscious on the floor.
"Professor, Peter's fainted."
"Oh hell."
A/N:Review! Please? Pretty Please? Obviously, the bit about the raven came from Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven"...
And in response to one of my reviews...Lament Moon, you can never review enough. :D And I'm very happy to be in the top twelve. I'm going to go for top ten...maybe top five...if possible...I made this chapter a little longer for you!