Author: evansentranced
Disclaimer: I don't own them. I just rent them. And since JK loves her fans so much, its free till the year 2135. She's such a wonderful, loving authoress...
Summary: James and Sirius find out, and concoct a daring plan...kinda...
After Remus went downstairs, James and Sirius looked at each other.
"Are we really gonna quit, Sirius?" James asked sadly.
Sirius considered it for a moment. "Well," he said uncertainly, "On the one hand, we promised Remus. But on the other hand, I really don't want to, so…"
"How about if we just tell him we quit, and don't?" James suggested, sitting down on his bed.
Sirius thought about it for a moment. "I can't see anything morally wrong with that. Okay, we'll tell him we quit."
"Right," James said, hopping up and pulling Sirius out of the room. They went downstairs and found Remus and Peter playing Exploding Snap by the fire.
"Ahem." Sirius said importantly. He was ignored.
"Er, guys…" James said, nudging Remus. Remus looked up expectantly, and Peter took the opportunity to steal one of his cards. "Sirius and I have decided to quit."
Remus smiled. "That's wonderful, James. Want to play with us?"
Remus turned back to the game and Peter looked up from his cheating to ask, "Quit what?"
"Never mind, Peter, it's all in the past now," Sirius said jovially, slapping him on the shoulder and surveying the cards in his hand. "That's a pretty good hand you've got there."
"Yeah, well," Peter began, blushing slightly.
At that moment, Matilda made her announcement. "Lily loves Severus,"
James' head snapped up to stare at her incredulously.
"…and they are going to date and fall in love…"
Remus sighed and got a good hold on Sirius' sleeve as he went to stand.
"…and get married and have tiny little red and black haired children…"
James' eyes widened in horror at the thought of Snape and Lily having children. He went to stand as well, only to be forced back down by Remus.
"…and Lily will make sure they wash their hair everyday and it will be magical!"
This was too much for James, Sirius and Peter. Sirius stood and yelled, "What?"
James looked devastated. "Noooo!" he cried out, feeling disturbed, shocked and nauseous all at once.
The idea was too repulsive for Peter to handle, and he promptly fainted again.
Remus sighed sympathetically and pulled Sirius back into his chair. James seemed to be speechless, so he sent him upstairs to recuperate. He faintly heard Matilda commenting on Peter's apparent fainting spells, and shook his head. That girl had no idea that she caused most of them.
"Aqueous," he whispered, and a small stream of water spit out of his wand and onto Peter's face. Peter sputtered and opened his eyes.
"What happened?" he asked confusedly. Remus pointed to Matilda, who was watching concernedly from behind the couch. Peter shuddered slightly and nodded. "I think I'll go to the library now." he muttered, and rose shakily to his feet. Remus helped him to the portrait hole and turned back to check on Sirius. Who was gone.
'Bullocks,' Remus thought, looking around for his wayward friend. In times like these, he liked to know exactly where all his Marauding friends were. He found him standing in front of Matilda, apparently interrogating her.
"Where ever did you get such a repulsive idea?" Sirius was saying agitatedly.
"Lily, of course!" Matilda said cheerfully, although there was a guarded tone in her voice now. Apparently she realized now that she had caused some trouble.
"Lily told you that she's going to marry Snivellus and have…have…" Sirius seemed to have trouble forcing the words out.
"His children?" Lily asked, moving to stand next to Matilda. "Gods no! You know how Mattie can get sometimes."
Sirius and Remus sighed in simultaneous relief.
"So you aren't in love with Snape?" Sirius asked carefully. Never hurt to be sure.
"No!" Lily laughed. "I just said I might like him a little, so of course Mattie blew it out of proportion, and - "
"Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight," Sirius said, looking dumbfounded. "You might like him?"
"I said a little. Maybe." Lily corrected. She frowned at him. "Why do you care?"
Sirius stared at her as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "What about James?"
"I never did anything to encourage him!" Lily began, but Matilda cut her off.
"It's impossible for them to date or anything, anyway," she said nonchalantly. "I don't see why you're so concerned."
"Impossible? How is it impossible?" Sirius asked in disbelief.
Remus smacked his forehead. "I completely forgot to tell you, Sirius. It's the Theory."
"Theory?"
"The TSHSD. Theory of a Stable Hogwarts through-"
"Stable Dysfunctionality?" Sirius asked. Remus nodded. "No bloody way."
"Yeah, it all fits." Matilda said seriously. "Think about it."
Sirius furrowed his brow in thought. "Oy, you're right! I never even imagined…"
"Oh, not you too!" Lily said irritably.
"Lily doesn't think it's real." Mattie said, shaking her head.
"I just find it hard to believe." Lily said. "I think you know my reasons."
Matilda shook her head and looked at Sirius. "Do you understand why James isn't an option?"
Sirius looked at her for a moment. Things were falling into place inside his head. It all clicked and he grinned.
"I understand perfectly."
"James! Jamsie! Prongs! Oy, Prongs!" Sirius had just burst through the door of their dormitory and was bouncing around on James' bed, looking very much like an overexcited puppy.
"What, Sirius?" James was sitting on the bed Sirius had just attacked and feeling a little gloomy. Not only had Mattie just declared something very wrong downstairs, but Sirius had just landed on his leg, which now hurt very badly.
"I've got a plan!" Sirius gloated, grinning hugely. "I figured it out! Brilliance, thy name is Sirius!"
"Okay, Sirius, what's this brilliant plan all about?" James asked, spirits lifting slightly. Sirius' plans always served to boost him out of a bad mood, even if only because the plans he came up with were so completely mad.
"Remember, earlier, I asked you what it tells you, when Lily asks you out, and she and her friend laugh and she says no and all that?" Sirius asked, talking very fast.
James frowned and sorted through what he'd just been told. "Yes…" he said slowly.
"Well, guess what mate! It's not because you're a great sodding loser after all!"
"Well. That makes me feel a little better," James said. Then, "Wait, who called me a great sodding loser?"
"I did, earlier," Sirius said, brushing it aside. "But my point is, you're not! It's the other girl!"
"What, she's a great sodding loser?"
"No! She's the one stopping Lily saying yes!"
"Why?" James demanded sullenly. "What'd I ever do to her?"
"It's the TSHSD, mate! That's why you can't go out with her!"
"The…the Theory?" James asked, remembering his childhood bedtime stories. "No! That can't apply here! Sirius!"
"Hey, I'm just the messenger," Sirius said, raising his hands in placation. "But, and here's the really fantastic news, Evans doesn't believe in it! She thinks its utter rubbish!"
James frowned. "Which means that…"
"Which means that she, being Lily Evans, will want to prove it wrong! Which means you've got a chance!" Sirius grinned. "Tell me I'm not brilliant. Go on, I dare you."
"But, the Theory!" James said, sounding a little panicked. "If we really are the couple, Hogwarts will go under! Mass chaos, utter destruction, that whole thing! Remember, Sirius? Or did your parents tell you a different version?" He looked hopeful. "Wait, did they?"
"Nope. Same obliteration scenario," Sirius said absently. "But that's beside the point. We can find a different couple. Just leave that up to me."
"And what about that girl? How are we supposed to get her out of the way so I can ask Lily?"
"Leave that up to me, too," Sirius said importantly. "I'll just work a little of the ol' Black charm on her, and she'll be saying, 'Lily who?'"
"Awfully cocky, aren't we?" James asked with a grin.
"Oh, you're one to talk." Sirius chortled. "Go look at yourself in the mirror while I get you the girl. Hell, do I have to do all the work around here?"
Sirius strolled down the stairs, charming smile firmly in place. James followed him to the bottom, and stayed out of sight but within earshot of what was going on.
"Hello, girls." Sirius said, flashing his charming grin at them. Matilda and Lily looked up at him and smiled, then went back to chatting. His grin dropped for a second, but he plastered it back on and said, "So, Matilda. How are you?"
'How are you?' James thought on the stairs, stifling a snigger. 'Prat.'
"I'm fine, Sirius, and how are you?" Matilda asked politely. Lily watched from her seat on the couch next to Mattie as Sirius struggled to come up with something else.
"Er, I like your hair today," he said lamely, mentally kicking himself. On the stairs, James stuffed a fist in his mouth to smother his laughter.
"Really?" Matilda asked, looking pleased.
"Yeah! Of…course." Sirius glanced at her ponytail. "Very, er, sporty."
"Thank you," she said, smiling happily.
"Yes," Sirius said, gaining some confidence. "And your, er, robes. Very becoming."
Matilda beamed at him and said, "Yes, well yours are very nice too. And your hair."
"Really?" Sirius asked, running a hand through his shiny black hair. "You think so? I take really good care of it. How often do you brush yours?"
Lily suppressed a small smile and said, "Well, I'll just leave you two alone, then."
She left them to talk about hair styling tips and strolled to the portrait hole. James was still sitting on the stairs, feeling slightly shocked that Sirius' self-conscious rambling had actually worked. He thought maybe he could give it a try sometime. He heard the hole close and snapped out of his reverie in order to dash out after her. Sirius and Mattie, he noticed, were deep in conversation about styling charms and potions, and didn't even see him pass.
A/N: There you are. Next one should be out shortly. I like it. I don't know why. I just do. Probably because I wrote it, but I suppose it works. I have wonderful news! My beta finally figured out how to spell her name! This is very helpful toward proper correction of my story. You should all applaud her. Poor thing...
Also: This started out as a gen MWPP fic. And it has somehow mutated into an L/J fic. I've no idea how it happened. I suppose leaving it festering in my mind (and my notebooks) for two years might have caused it to undergo some kind of crazy metamorphisis. But yes. That is what it is now. An L/J fic. Meh...
Oh yeah. Review!