James dashed out of the common room and, after closing the portrait hole, looked around for Lily. He saw her turning a corner up ahead and ran to catch up with her.
"Lily! Lily, wait!" She stopped and turned around to watch him sprint toward her, eyebrows raised expectantly.
"Yes, James?" she asked when he arrived next to her, breathing heavily.
He paused to catch his breath and asked, "How are you?"
She stared at him for a moment, then let out a derisive laugh. "How are you?" she repeated, still laughing at him.
He watched her snigger, confused. It had worked for Sirius.
"You look…nice?" he asked hopefully. She shook her head, snickering.
"Are you and Black getting together to plot ways to pick up girls?" she asked, starting to walk away.
James clicked, and he followed her, thinking, 'It worked for Sirius, and she was right there with them, not five minutes ago, watching it work. Damn.'
"No, we aren't doing anything like that," James said hurriedly. "Nothing of the sort, I promise."
Lily glanced at him out of the corner of her eye as they walked down a flight of stairs. "So you aren't stealing copies of Witch Weekly and poring over them with your friends in your spare time for romance advice?"
James blinked. There was romance advice in Witch Weekly? "Oh, of course not!" he said hastily, stifling that particular train of thought. "And that's not important anyway. I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Really?" Lily asked, sounding uninterested as they walked down a corridor.
"Yeah." James said, choosing his words with care. "You know this, ah, Theory everyone's talking about?"
Lily stopped in her tracks, staring at him. James continued walking, too busy trying to organize his thoughts to realize that she hadn't followed.
"Not you too!" she said, annoyed. James paused and realized she was gone. He turned around to see Lily staring at him, looking very exasperated.
"Oh, no, not at all!" James said, walking back to her, shaking his head furiously.
"Really?" she asked, eyeing him with caution.
"Really! Sirius told me they thought we were the couple, and I told him, 'Sirius, that is such nonsense.'" Lily was nodding with clear approval, and James continued eagerly. "I can't believe he still follows those childish bedtime stories. The rest of them as well!"
"I know!" Lily said, and they began walking down the hall again. "They're so serious about it too, as if it's actually real, as if we're actually keeping the school together by being dysfunctional, of all things!"
James nodded and said, "See, that's just the thing! They really think we are! So I thought to myself, if they just saw how wrong they were, they'd give up on all this…childish rubbish." James winced slightly as he imagined what this particular childish rubbish could do to Hogwarts, but pushed it to the back of his mind and continued.
"So I thought, Lily and I should prove them wrong!"
"By going on a date…" Lily said slowly, descending another flight of stairs. "Becoming a couple."
"Exactly!" James said enthusiastically, tripping on a step in his excitement.
Lily paused. "Wait…is this all some elaborate plot to get me to go out with you?"
"I…what? No! No, I swear, there really is a Theory, ask anyone!" James looked around desperately, seizing a small boy walking past them in the hall by his collar and saying, "You! Have you ever heard of the Theory?"
The boy looked quite terrified, and stuttered out something that sounded like, "Stubble Moggs!"
"James!" Lily admonished, pulling the boy from James' overexcited grasp and straightening his robes for him. "I'm sorry. My friend here can be a little…strange. What's your name?"
"Galvin," the boy said anxiously.
"Wonderful," James said impatiently. "Tell her what you know about the Theory! Tell her I'm not making it up!"
"The TSHSD?" Galvin asked curiously, having recovered quite well. "Yeah, I know all about that. The Theory! Wait…" His eyes widened as he got a better look at them. "You're James Potter!"
"Well, yeah," James said modestly. "I suppose you've seen me at quidditch?"
"What? No! You and Lily Evans are the dysfunctional couple!" Galvin said, looking at Lily. "Yeah, you two! But," He looked worried. "Should you be talking? Won't that cause mass destruction and chaos and cause Hogwarts to fall and destroy us all?"
"Gah!" Lily cried, turning and stalking away. James looked after her, and glanced down at Galvin again who was still watching him worriedly.
"Thanks a lot," he said, "Now scram, kid."
Galvin hurried away, and James hurried after Lily, who seemed to have decided that the library was the best place to be right now.
"Lily!" he called, dashing down the last flight of stairs to find her standing at the bottom, waiting for him. "So, I wasn't making it up, there really is a legend about the Theory." he said cautiously.
"Yes, you were being sincere, I'm so proud of you," she said dryly. He smiled weakly, hoping she was joking, and plunged forward.
"So," he asked, "How about it? There's a Hogsmede visit Sunday, and I promise it'll be painless…"
"Tomorrow?" she sighed. "Well, I suppose so."
James grinned madly. "Brilliant! I promise you'll have loads of fun, and we'll prove everyone wrong!"
Back in Gryffindor tower, Sirius and Mattie's conversation had died when Mattie realized Lily had wandered off. Sirius had tried to waylay her with tips on facial treatments, but she was too worried about Lily to pay much attention.
"What if he corners her somewhere and forces her to say yes?" Mattie asked restlessly. "What if she forgets how important it is that she says no and says yes instead!"
"Mattie," Sirius said soothingly, trying to calm her, "Lily's a big girl. I'm sure she'll be fine. I'm sure James isn't forcing her to do anything."
Sirius was personally positive that James couldn't force a niffler to do his bidding, although Matilda's other worry was perfectly valid. Of course, that was why he was there with her, to distract her from her valid worries. Unfortunately, as she had just dashed out of the portrait hole to 'Save Lily', he obviously wasn't doing a very good job.
"Matilda! Wait!" Sirius sighed melodramatically and followed her. He caught up with her just outside the entrance, and caught her by the arm. "What are you doing?" he whispered.
"Looking for Lily," she whispered back, setting off down the hall at a rapid pace.
"Ah," Sirius said, rubbing the back of his neck. "That won't do at all."
He pulled out his handy-dandy two-way-mirror, and murmured, "James Potter."
James' face appeared in the rippling surface, and he looked ecstatic. "Sirius! She said yes! She said yes!"
"Wonderful, James. Mattie is looking for her, to stop her before she 'makes the biggest mistake of her life.'"
James' face turned sullen, and he asked, "What has that girl got against me? You'd think I killed her cat or something."
"The Theory, James. I'm pretty sure it's nothing personal."
"Oh yeah," James muttered, perking up slightly. "So we're going to Hogsmede tomorrow!"
Sirius nearly dropped the mirror. "Tomorrow?" he hissed. "James! I can't find a replacement couple by tomorrow!"
James' expression dropped a few notches. "Oh, yeah, right. The replacement couple. I forgot."
James looked very sad all of a sudden. "Should I put it off till later?"
"Well, I think I'd be best…" Sirius felt bad about killing his friend's dreams. It had to be hard on the boy. He was going to be crushed. He looked in the mirror, expecting to see something reminiscent of a 'Crushed James'. He wasn't disappointed.
To hell with it. "You know what, James, I don't think you should put it off at all."
James' face brightened considerably. "Really? Why not?"
"Well, if you try, Mattie will probably just convince her not to do it at all."
"Yeah, that girl is really starting to get on my nerves," James said irritably. Sirius frowned.
"I don't know why," he said, annoyed. "She's just looking out for her friend and the school. You're the one who's opting for mass destruction and chaos."
"Yeah, well…" James muttered. "Hey, Sirius, meet me in the Charms corridor. If we expect to get this done by tomorrow, we need to get cracking."
"Agreed. Over and out."
"Stop saying that."
They met up a few minutes later and made a plan. They agreed to split up and generally cause as much turmoil as possible.
James jogged through the corridors, looking for likely candidates. He strolled casually into the library, avoiding Lily, who, by the looks of it, was avoiding that girl who was constantly trying to thwart his attempts at getting Lily. He couldn't remember her name at the moment, M-something, probably. He ducked into the invisibility section and surveyed his options.
'Aha,' he thought, eyeing two girls sitting at opposite ends of the same table. 'Perfect.'
The girl closest to him was wearing a Gryffindor badge, and the other was a Slytherin. He smiled to himself. This would be too easy. He aimed his wand at the Slytherin and whispered a hair lengthening charm. The girl scratched her head absently, then set down her quill and felt her head in panic.
Soon she had pulled out her mirror and watched in shock as her hair grew down past her waist. The girl sitting across from her looked up in surprise and, after fumbling with her wand for a second, cast the charm to stop it growing. The Slytherin smiled in relief and thanked her. The Gryffindor grinned back and said something about how her hair looked very elegant that way, and how she should leave it. Soon, the two were chatting like best friends.
James watched all this in wide-eyed disbelief. That hadn't gone well at all. He shook his head and walked slowly to the other side of the stack, looking for a new pair to set against each other.
Sirius strolled down the hallways, humming to himself. He saw a third year boy talking to a portrait, and another boy walking past.
'Perfect.' he thought, and leveled his wand at the first boy discreetly. "Furnunculus." he whispered, ducking behind a statue to watch the results.
The boy he'd cast the spell on cried out in pain, and the other boy spun around, wand out. The boy under the hex saw him and presumed, just as Sirius had hoped, that he had been the one to cast the jinx. He scowled angrily and pulled out his own wand. The first boy's eyes widened and soon Sirius was witness to a good old fashioned wizards duel, right there in the hall.
Sirius sat behind his statue and cackled as the curses flew, sure that his friend would be able to date whomever he wanted from now on, with no fear of Hogwarts devastation. He watched for a bit longer, until suddenly the fighting stopped. He looked around in confusion, wondering why, and came face to face with none other than Dumbledore himself, standing next to his statue and watching him silently.
"Mr. Black, please come with me." Dumbledore said gravely. Sirius gulped. He crawled out from behind the statue, and the two boys stared at him, scandalized.
"Sir," the first boy asked. "Did he start that?"
Dumbledore regarded Sirius seriously. "We will see, won't we Mr. Black? You two," he said, waving a hand at the two boys, "Should probably be getting to the hospital wing."
They nodded, and glared at Sirius as they passed. Sirius felt his heart sink even further as one of them commented to the other, "Great leek jinx, by the way…"
He looked back at Dumbledore, and then at his shoes as he followed the headmaster to his office.
'I am in so much trouble…' he thought gloomily.