It was a sunny Sunday afternoon. The sky was blue, the grass was green, and most Hogwarts students were lounging about, enjoying a break from classes. Some went to Hogsmede, some wandered the grounds, still others stayed in bed. It was a peaceful sort of day. On a day like this day, most agreed, any sort of disturbance should be punishable by law.
Lily Evans was very lucky that bill hadn't gotten through the Wizengamot yet. She was storming angrily through the grounds and into Hogwarts itself, and anything stupid enough to stay in her way was taught an immediate lesson. She stomped up staircases and down halls, headed for the Gryffindor common room to find a certain black haired chaser.
A group of girls giggling in the middle of a hall scattered, squealing indignantly as she threw various hexes and jinxes at them. Lily Evans was not thinking clearly.
As she neared the entrance to Gryffindor tower, the Fat Lady saw her coming.
"Pass…" The Fat Lady faltered as she saw the look on Lily's face and heard the angry ranting and curses streaming from her mouth. She opened immediately and let Lily pass, muttering, "Well, I'm sure the password was in there somewhere…"
Lily burst into the common room and glared around angrily, looking for James, who was, fortunately for him, not present. Remus and Peter were, however, and she stormed over to their seat in front of the fire and stood, glaring down at them and tapping her foot impatiently.
"Check," Remus said, moving his queen. He glanced up at Lily, then did a double take at her furious expression. "What happened?" he asked worriedly. "Did James do something?"
"No," she said through her teeth. "He didn't do anything at all. That's probably because he never SHOWED IN THE FIRST PLACE!"
Remus and Peter gasped. "He didn't show up?" Remus asked, appalled. "How could he not show up? He's been looking forward to this for ages!"
Lily sniffed. "I only just said yes yesterday, you know."
"Yes, but he's been after you forever!"
"Since Easter of fourth year, I think." Peter added helpfully, switching Remus' pawn and knight while he was still preoccupied with Lily.
"Yes, thank you, Peter. He's been after you since Easter of fourth year!"
"Oh, you mean the Easter he dumped four bottles of butterbeer all over me and Matilda?" Lily asked uncharitably.
"Yes, well, he was nervous…" Remus said apologetically.
"Anyway, that's not the point." Lily said, trying to stay on topic. "The point is that he never did show up."
"Well that's just preposterous," Remus said, settling back into his chair and looking back at his pieces. "Hey, I thought I had you in check…" he murmured, examining the chess board closely.
Peter flushed slightly and said, "Lily, I'm sure James has a good reason for not being there. Don't you think so Remus?"
Remus looked up, distracted from the game again, and thought about it for a moment. A look of dread dawned on his face. "Oh, no. They didn't."
"They didn't what?" Lily asked, curious in spite of herself. Peter smiled smugly, having distracted Remus from figuring out his switch.
"Billywigs," Remus said softly.
"What?" Lily asked, eyes widening. "James and Sirius, you mean? They weren't. Were they?"
"They told me they'd stop," Remus said, frowning as he realized his friends had lied.
"He…he ditched me for billywigs?" Lily exploded. "Billywigs?"
"I…wait, what's wrong with Billywigs?" Peter asked, confused.
'Poor naïve Peter,' Remus thought to himself. "Peter, billywigs are addictive," he explained "Like those STDs we learned about in Muggle Studies."
Lily started in surprise. "ST...what?" she asked, choking back laughter at the oblivious wizards in front of her. "Are you sure you don't mean LSD?"
"No, no. I'm sure it was STD," Remus said, albeit a bit doubtfully.
"It could've been HIV," Peter piped up helpfully. Lily choked again.
"Or maybe it wasn't STD after all," Remus mused thoughtfully. "It could've been ATV…"
"No, isn't that some kind of motorcar?" Peter pondered. "Or was that SUV?"
"No, no, SUV isn't a drug, I think it's one of those diseases muggles get. Well, whatever it is, my point is that its like a drug. Billywig stings, I mean." he paused then, glancing at Lily questioningly, and asked, "Are you sure it's not STD?"
Lily had completely forgotten all about James by this point. She was too busy laughing at Peter and Remus, and hoping she had never sounded so naïve when talking about wizarding culture. "Oh, I'm sure," she managed weakly.
"Ah, well, we'll figure it out later," he said with a shrug. "Now, about James and Sirius. I think we need to Do Something about this problem they've got..."
"Well I say we just do what muggles do," Lily said matter-of-factly.
"What's that?" Remus inquired, a curious expression on his face.
"We'll have an intervention, of course!" she said, crossing her arms as though the matter was settled.
"Yes…an intervention. I'm sure they'll love that." Remus replied doubtfully.
Lily sniffed. "Well, its not a matter of whether or not they like it, is it? They're the ones doing drugs and standing up their dates. They don't get a choice in the matter."
Remus stared up at Lily. She seemed overly upset for someone who claimed they really didn't like James all that much.
"Alright, when shall we have it then?" Remus asked, deciding to play along.
Lily frowned thoughtfully.
"Well," she said. "Easter break is coming up, and the tower will be empty enough that we'll be able to do what we need to and make as much noise as we want without interruption.'
"Do what we need to?" Peter asked warily. "Lily, how much noise do you plan on making?"
"I'm willing to do whatever…necessary…to get them clean," Lily said with an unholy glint in her eye.
"You're…you're not going to bathe them, are you?" Peter asked, torn between horror and intrigue.
Lily started in surprise. "Why would I bathe them?" she asked, confused. "Peter, are you alright?"
"Well, you said - " Peter began, but Remus cut him off smoothly, saying,
"Never mind, both of you. So we'll have the intervention during break. Who should we invite to help?"
Lily paused. "I'm not sure," she said thoughtfully. "I think we need to research this more. I've never done an intervention, have you?"
Peter and Remus shook their heads. "Library, then?" Remus asked.
Lily nodded, and they stood as one and left the common room.
James runs through the corridors, pursued by a enraged flock of ravens.
"Nevermore!" they shriek furiously at him. "Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore!"
"Nevermore, what!" he calls frantically over his shoulder. This line of questioning just seems to incense the birds further.
"NEVERMORE!" they scream, and the sound of their flapping wings becomes more intense, as though they're moving faster now, trying to capture him.
He comes to a dead stop where the east corridor of the fifth floor used to be. In its place is a giant swamp. He panics, because now not only is he being attacked by angry ravens, but a rabid horde of bullfrogs is advancing on him, croaking menacingly.
James backs up into a wall, knowing he is doomed. The ravens descend upon him now, and they peck him hard on the shoulders. It almost feels like they're poking him.
Poke, poke poke.
"No, stop it," James moaned.
Poke, poke, poke.
"Nevermore what?" he asked pathetically.
"James, wake up."
"Noooooo…" James mutters, as one of the bullfrogs turns into Sirius and stabs himself with raven beaks. "Sirius, get away from them! They've got rabies!"
Sirus sprouts feathers all over his body, and turns to James. James can see his beak clicking as he says, "Oy, James, you need teh wake up."
He now sounds strangely like Hagrid, the gameskeeper. James feels confused, and so he asks Raven-Sirius, "Do all birdmen sound like Hagrid?"
Sirus the birdman makes a startled sound and says, "James, open your bloody eyes."
James opened his eyes.
Sirius was not a birdman. He looked to have nearly as bad a headache as James did, but he was feather free. James took this as a positive and squeezed his eyes shut again as the bright light hit them.
"Gah…" he muttered, covering his eyes with one hand. He realized how uncomfortable he felt, and using his powers of deduction, and peeking tentatively through a gap in his fingers, found that this was because he was leaning against the side of Hagrid's hut, next to a large pail of water.
Which Sirius then proceeded to dump over his head.
"Gah!" James sputtered with a lot more feeling this time. He opened his eyes properly, shook his head like a dog, and looked around.
Hagrid was standing next to Sirius, watching them, pink umbrella in hand. He was also not a birdman.
"D'you two mind tellin' me why you bin sleepin' out here?" Hagrid asked.
James and Sirius glanced at one another, and looked back at Hagrid.
"Er…" said Sirius eloquently.
"Well," James began hesitantly. "You see, we were, ah…looking for Fang!"
"Fang?" Hagrid asked confusedly, gigantic brow furrowing.
"Yeah! We wanted to play with him for a bit, you know." Sirius said, nodding carefully, mindful of his still aching head.
"We love Fang, Hagrid!" James added enthusiastically. He glanced around and began calling for the dog. "Here boy! Here Fang!"
At his call, Fang came bounding out the open door to Hagrid's hut and pounced on James, licking his face furiously and slobbering drool everywhere.
"Well! I 'ad no idea you two like Fang s'much!" Hagrid said, cheered by the idea that someone else appreciated his new puppy. "You should drop by more often, then!"
"Oh, of course, Hagrid!" Sirius said, watching sympathetically as his comrade-in-arms was attacked by the giant puppy.
James winced as Fang yipped at him enthusiastically, trying to convince him to play fetch or some other such doggie-nonsense.
"Come on in and have a cuppa, then," Hagrid suggested, pulling James easily from Fang's clutches and hauling him and Sirius inside.
After they were seated at the overlarge table in equally oversized chairs and supplied with extra large cups of extremely strong tea, they sat down with the giant man and made small talk.
"So, James," Hagrid said, taking a swallow of his tea. "What's yer Quidditch team?"
"Oh, the Kestrels, no competition!" James said casually.
Sirius, who had been sipping daintily at his tea, now spit it out across the table. He calmly shook his head at James and, focusing his attention on Hagrid, who was wiping himself off with a huge, spotted hankie, said, "Our Jamsie isn't too bright, Hagrid. I've told him time and time again that Puddlemere United is the only real choice." Sirius shook his head again with a sigh. "But he will insist on supporting those heathens."
Hagrid shrugged and finished mopping up the tea Sirius had spit at him. "I dunno, Sirius. I bin talkin' to some o' the other students in yer year, and a fair few agree with James here."
Sirius stood angrily. "Who?" he demanded in an outraged voice. "I'll make them see the light! Those bloody Kestrels are no match for the power of Puddlemere!"
Hagrid, for all his bulk, had been caught off guard when Sirius began ranting, and glanced uneasily at James.
"Oh, he'll be fine," James said unconcernedly. "He gets like this from time to time. Spot of madness in the Black family, didn't you know? All that interbreeding."
Sirius broke off his rant momentarily to yell, "James, I heard that! And I'll have you know those Kestrels get up to a bit of interbreeding themselves!"
"Yea, Lily tol' me a bit about him," Hagrid said, shaking his head.
James froze. "Lily?" he squeaked.
"Yeh, she'll come down here time to time. She's a good lass," Hagrid said, only to be interrupted by James suddenly standing and diving across the table to grip Sirius by the front of his robes.
"Sirius!" he yelled in a panicky voice. "Sirius, what time is it?"
Sirius, who had as recently as five seconds ago, been reciting the latest Quidditch scores in a loud voice, looked very surprised to be suddenly accosted with demands for use of his time keeping skills.
"Er, I dunno…" he said, casting about for his watch. "Twelve-ish, I would imagine."
"Twelve-ish?" James repeated in a high-pitched voice. "Twelve-ish?"
"Ah, actually it's 12:57." Hagrid confirmed, now holding a watch the size of a mantelpiece clock in his hand and examining it. "Hang on. 12:58 now."
James' eyes widened in horror. "Sirius." he squeaked. "Do you know where I'm supposed to be right now?"
"Uh, no?" Sirius asked cautiously.
"Lily! We were supposed to meet at the Three Broomsticks at eleven! She's going to kill me!"
Sirius stared at him for a moment before saying, "Well. That sucks."
James couldn't respond for a moment. He appeared to have been struck speechless. "Is that all you have to say?" he finally asked in a shrill voice.
"That sucks…a lot?" Sirius tried again. When James' face started changing colors, he quickly added, "What do you want me to say? I have a hangover!"
James glared at him before dashing out the door and off across the grounds toward the castle yelling, "Lily! I'm sorry!"
Sirius sat awkwardly in his chair next to Hagrid for a moment, before clearing his throat uncomfortably and standing.
"Well, Hagrid, it was nice seeing you," he said, extending a hand. "Thank you for the tea…"
Hagrid shook his hand and said, "Come again any time yeh please. Jest one question."
Sirius raised his eyebrows quizzically.
"How much interbreedin' do those Potters get up to?"