Author: evansentranced
Disclaimer: Alot of the dialouge in this chapter was taken straight from the book, I'll admit it. But it's not like I actually claim to have written it! None of you would believe me anyway...
Summary: James bombs it big time...Lily is pissed, Snape ruins his chances, and Sirius just wants to curl up in a ball and hide.
"It's here! It's here!"
Remus looked up from his cards at Sirius as he bounded down from their dormitory and bounced onto the couch next to him like an overeager puppy.
"What's here?" Peter asked, laying down two cards. They were taking a break from studying and Remus was teaching Peter how to play Crazy Eights, hoping that he'd have the advantage of previous experience and therefore a chance at winning. Peter always beat him at every game they played. He had no idea why. He'd be doing well one minute, and the next, Bam! Peter would make an amazing move that had him scratching his head in frustration and admitting defeat.
"The letter from Bilius Weasley, of course," James said, having followed Sirius downstairs and plopped down on the couch as well. Remus was starting to feel quite crowded. "He wants to meet us in Hogsmede next time we go."
"Alright then." Remus laid another spade down on the pile and paused as he was struck by a sudden thought. "James," he said, setting his cards down. "Was that you that hung Galvin Gudgeon up by his ankle above the lake yesterday?"
James fought back a grin. "Who, me? Never!"
Remus sighed. "James, seriously. Did you? He fell right in when they did the counter curse. Ruined his books. Was it you?"
James looked at him innocently. "Maybe."
Sirius laughed a bit, and Remus glared at him. "James, what do you think Lily would think about your doing that?"
"Lily doesn't care," James said immediately. Even Peter scoffed. "No, really, she doesn't!" he said with an insistent look. "She saw me doing something like that last week, and she didn't say anything! And she still talks to me all the time, so she obviously doesn't mind!"
The three boys just stared at him incredulously. "James, are we talking about the same Lily?" Sirius asked in disbelief.
"Of course we are. This one right here, in fact," James said, jumping up from his seat as Lily approached.
Sirius looked up from his seat to find Lily watching them with a haphazard sort of grimace and an armful of books. "Oh, hi Lily," Sirius said.
"If I weren't in such a hurry, I'd ask why you're talking about me," she said matter-of-factly. "But as it is, I just came over here to ask if I can borrow James' Transfiguration notes. James?" she surveyed him with a hopeful expression on her face. James gave her a huge grin and nodded.
"Of course you can, Lily," he said in a deep voice, rumpling his hair slightly. "I don't really need them just now, so feel free to keep them as long as you need to."
"Oh, but you need to study too, don't you?" Lily asked, looking distracted and shifting the large pile of books she was holding. "I'll have them back to you by tonight."
"No, really," James said obligingly, looking around for the notes. "You can use them. I couldn't possibly study any more than I already have." He shot her a charming smile and looked under the couch. "Remus, where are my notes?"
Remus shook his head and pulled James' bag out from under the cushions of the chair Sirius was now sitting in. James grinned at him and extracted the slightly crumpled notes, presenting them to Lily with a flourish.
"Here you are, madam," he said with a cordial bow. She took them from him and examined them, raising her eyebrow at the obviously neglected air of James' school supplies.
"James," she asked skeptically. "Are you sure you've studied?"
"Oh, well you know," he said apprehensively. "As much as humanely possible..."
Sirius snorted at him from his chair. Lily shook her head and said, "James, you need to study. Just come to the library with me and Matilda. I was just heading there."
"Study with you?" James asked, becoming immediately interested. "Yeah, that'd be great! I'll just...er...grab my stuff."
And without a second thought, he snatched his bag off the floor and trotted out of the door on Lily's heels.
Remus shook his head and went back to his cards. Sirius waited until the portrait hole closed before going back to their conversation. "So which of us should go to meet Weasley?"
James followed Lily down to the library, struggling under the weight of Lily's large pile of books along with his own bag. He'd felt it was only gentlemanly, offering to carry them for her. He'd had no idea just how heavy they were.
As he toiled his way down the hall after her, he listened to her anxious chatter about the upcoming OWL's. Lily seemed very nervous about the entire affair, and was apparently studying nonstop in preparation.
James decided that she looked very stressed, and needed to relax somehow. He was just starting to think of all the wonderful ways he could relax her when they rounded a corner and nearly bumped into someone dangling by their legs in midair.
Lily huffed in annoyance and muttered, "I haven't got time for this!" She pulled out her wand and a second later, the boy was sprawled on the ground. He jumped to his feet, straightening his robes, and thanked Lily with what looked like a permanent blush on his face. After he hurried off, Lily spun around and set off for the library again.
"I swear, every five seconds I find someone hanging from the ceiling!" Lily said irritably, digging through her bag for her own Transfiguration notes. "What did that kid do to anyone?"
"Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean," James said jokingly.
"I suppose so," she said distractedly, still looking for her notes and not paying him the slightest bit of attention.
They continued on their way to the library, and when they got there, James actually got a bit of studying done in between watching Lily and being glared at by Matilda.
Unless he was very much mistaken, (and he didn't mind telling anyone, because he knew he wouldn't be) he was pretty sure that he was going to achieve an "Outstanding" OWL on that particular test.
Sirius crossed a t and dotted an i, then sat back and regarded his exam paper with satisfaction. He'd just finished taking the Defense written exam, and felt pretty good about it. He'd snickered at a few questions, namely number ten: 'Give five signs that identify the werewolf.'
He tilted his chair back and gave a thumbs up when James turned around in his seat and grinned at him. He glanced back at Remus, who was still absorbed in the exam, and Peter, who appeared to be trying to eat his own fingers. He nodded at Matilda, who was sitting just behind him, and winked as she grinned back. He turned around in his chair and stared around once more. Snape was across the hall and still scribbling away, nose practically touching the parchment. Sirius snorted, then paused and considered him thoughtfully.
They still needed to figure out how to redirect the TSHSD's attention off of James and Lily. Sirius, who felt it was his duty as a friend who had nothing better to do at the moment, had taken it completely upon himself to find a new couple. He'd turned it into a quest of sorts. Snape seemed a likely prospect, as he wasn't well liked in the first place. But who hated him enough to actually redirect the title before James and Lily left school?
Sirius stared at him some more, until Snape, who seemed to realize he was being watched, looked up and sneered at him. Sirius sneered right back, and couldn't help but enjoy imagining him being brutally murdered by a Knarl. How he hated that Snivellus.
Wait.
He hated Snape. Quite intensely, in fact. He and Snape would make the perfect Dysfunctional Couple! Sirius smiled, crowing inwardly at his own genius.
Being the Dysfunctional Couple with Snape would be no skin off his back. It wasn't as though he'd ever have a reason to not hate the git. It was perfect.
"Quills down, please!" Sirius jumped as Professor Flitwick's voice interrupted his thoughts. He waited anxiously to be excused, wanting to enact his plan as soon as possible. He met up with James, Remus and Peter, still absorbed in his new idea. He was aware enough to remember his thought from earlier and looked up at Remus.
"Did you like question ten, Moony?" he asked with a smirk.
"Loved it," Remus said briskly. Sirius nodded and followed his friends outside as Remus continued. He went back to his thoughts, keeping one ear open as James asked Remus a question, feigning concern.
All he'd have to do, Sirius thought, laughing when the others did, was provoke Snape into really despising him, and the git would hate him enough to push the title onto them. He was pretty sure Snape hated him as a Marauder, and he was just as sure that Snape needed to hate him personally in order for the title be theirs. So he would just provoke Snape beyond what they usually did, and then, Viola! James would have Lily, he would have a new best enemy, and everyone would be happy again.
He was feeling good, and rejoined the conversation in time to add, "Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake. I'll be surprised if I don't get an Outstanding on it at least."
"Me too," James said, pulling a Snitch out of his pocket.
"Where'd you get that?" Sirius asked curiously.
"Nicked it."
Sirius shook his head. Trust James to do something like that, he thought.James started playing with the Snitch, letting it go and waiting a few moments before snatching it again. Trust James to do something like that, then show off about it, Sirius amended.
They dropped down by the beech tree out on the grounds, and Sirius stared around, looking for a certain greasy haired git and wondering what he should to do to piss him off.
James was staring out at the lake, still messing with the Snitch. Remus was reading. Peter was watching James and applauding. Sirius was feeling a bit anxious about what he was about to do, and the noise was starting to grate on his nerves.
"Put that away will you?" Sirius said finally. "Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement."
"If it bothers you," James grinned, putting the Snitch away.
Sirius cast around for something to say as he continued to eye the grounds. "I'm bored," he said after a moment's thought. "Wish it was full moon."
"You might," Remus said darkly, shoving his book at Sirius. "We've still got Transfiguration, and if you're bored you could test me...here."
Sirius snorted. "I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all." And besides, I need to keep an eye out for Snivellus.
"This'll liven you up, Padfoot," James said quietly. "Look who it is..."
Sirius looked, and there was Snape, passing them on the grass. The git had perfect timing, he had to give him that. "Excellent," he said softly, "Snivellus."
Sirius stood, and was slightly surprised when James joined him. He's mine! Sirius couldn't help but think. James, stay away!
"All right, Snivellus?" James said loudly. Sirius felt like slapping him.
He watched regretfully as his plan went down the drain. James and Snivellus were exchanging curses like there was no tomorrow. There wasn't much he could do but insert himself into the situation and hope that Snape hated him for it more than James.
"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" James asked tauntingly.
Stupid stupid stupid James... "I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," Sirius said, trying to think of the most vicious thing he could. "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."
Several people laughed. Sirius ignored them, trying to think of a way to get James out of the picture before it was too late. The curse James had used was keeping Snivellus from moving very much, which didn't stop him from threatening James. Sirius mocked Snape desperately, trying to keep the attention on himself.
James, who had apparently been encouraged by Sirius' own nasty behavior, yelled, "Scourgify!"
Dammit, James! Sirius yelled mentally. You idiot!
"Leave him ALONE!"
Sirius practically froze. This was going much worse than he could ever have imagined. Lily stood in front of them, glaring hatefully at them both.
James tried acting cool, and Sirius was too busy internally berating himself to realize what was going on until Lily declared that she wouldn't go out with James if it was a choice between him and the giant squid. Sirius felt like beating his head against the tree. Everything was going so wrong!
"Bad luck, Prongs," Sirius said, and hoping he could still salvage the situation, turned back to Snape in time to see that the git had finally reached his wand. "OY!" he yelled, too late. James was now sporting a gash down the side of his face. And Snape was now floating upside down in the middle of the lawns.
Sirius wanted to curl up in a ball and make Remus make it all better. Remus was good at that kind of thing. Sirius laughed hysterically, vaguely noticing that he wasn't the only one.
"Let him down!" And there was Lily again, who was most definitely not okay with James bullying other students, no matter what James thought.
"Certainly." Now Snape was on the floor, ready to attack James. If there was one thing Sirius really didn't want happening right now, it was a full on wizards duel between the two of them.
"Locomotor mortis!" he yelled, and Snape fell over again, stiff as a board.
"Leave him alone!" Lily shouted, pulling out her own wand. Sirius eyed her warily. She looked horribly stressed. This entire situation had just gone wrong in the worst way, as he insisted on continually repeating to himself, and now, rather than Lily being on James' arm, he and James were on the wrong end of Lily's wand.
"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," James said earnestly. Sirius felt like beating him wildly over the head with Remus' Transfiguration text. James just kept getting in the way of his own happiness, ruining every chance Sirius gave him to have what he wanted. Looking over at Remus, Sirius could tell by the furrowed brow and clenched hands that Remus was trying very hard to not do what Sirius had just imagined.
"Take the curse off him then!"
James sighed as though feeling rather put upon and reversed the spell, and Sirius realized that he might now have an inkling of how badly he'd screwed up. Strangely though, that did not stop him from continuing to screw up.
"There you go," James said in that brainless way he had, "you're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-"
"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!" Snape yelled, flushing red.
Oooh, Sirius couldn't help but think, He just messed up bad. And when did Lily become Evans? James does know he screwed up, then.
"Fine," Lily said coolly. "I won't bother in the future, And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."
Sirius winced. He and James were in trouble now. Lily'd been mad before, yes. They would have been yelled at quite a bit, but then it would have been done with. He could tell, and quick glances at Remus and Matilda (who had followed Lily to the scene) confirmed it, that after that insult, Lily was going to be on the warpath once she got out of this crowd.
They were doomed.
"Apologize to Evans!" James roared, brandishing his wand threateningly at Snape.
They were doomed and James was not helping matters
Lily yelled at James, and James yelled something back, and Sirius was wondering which passageways Lily still didn't know about.
When Lily finally stormed off, Sirius thought the time might be right to curl up into a ball.
"What is it with her?" James asked, and Sirius could tell that behind the composed facade, James was upset and royally confused. He'd have to be an idiot not to see.
"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate," Sirius said, hoping against hope that James would decide enough was enough, and let Sirius take it from there.
Unfortunately, that was not the case.
"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"
Well, maybe James and Snivellus can be the Dysfunctional Couple, Sirius thought morosely. There's no point though, because if they are, Lily will never date him.
A/N: Sorry for taking so long. This has been my take on the Snapes Worst Memory scene. If you take it at face value that it actually is his worst memory, wouldn't you also take it to mean that this is the worst they ever treated him? (aside from the werewolf thing, but I'll get to that too)...Review!