DISCLAIMER: I am not the creator of this awful, evil Visser.
I just feel compelled to write about him. It's not really me, typing this.
See, he's in my head, moving my limbs and stuff. No, really. Hee hee! Don't
you seee? THEY'RE ALL IN MY HEAD! ALL OF THEM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
*Visser slaps Birdie num num.*
Sorry. Thank you.
*Visser.* (You're welcome.) *Mutters.*
What?
Okay! Okay! You'll get your crate of oatmeal in a minute! After I get this story okay?! Sheesh!
Vissers! *Sigh*
Nothing! I didn't say anything! Oh for crying out loud!
Nooo no! I don't like Ax more than you! Oh stop being ridiculous! He's...never mind.
I'm not telling you!
It's confidential that's why!
Ha! You can't! *Sings in na-na-na-naa tone* I've got earplugs! Heh heh!
What? *Takes ear plugs out* Of course I know you're kidding!
Yeah, yeah, I love you too! What? You want to do what with me? Heh heh...but wouldn't you need to morph for that?...Heh heh heh...Mmm...maybe later!
Now let me type the story!
AND Visser Three would like to dedicate this to...nobody but himself. Okay, that's...nice...
Well I'd like to dedicate this to Victim-of-his-own, and all the other Visser lovers out there!
Enjoy guys! Thanks for liking it and taking all the...time and...energy it takes... to review!
Entry Whatever. I can't be bothered with numbers! I need to hire a Number Yeerk. Get someone to number stuff for me! Really, I'm a Visser! If other Vissers knew I was actually numbering my OWN diary, well, huh! They'd think I was...uncivilized! Or...something...I don't know...
Hmm. Andalite bandits destroyed Kandrona. Created a little red tape what with the starving controllers and hosts going free and having to kill them and all.
Not like it affects me.
Huh.
Well, I AM the Visser.
See, there's these nice little things humans have developed.
They're called jacuzzi's.
Turns out they can hold a private Kandrona pool.
Heh heh. Stupid Andalite bandits.
Ahhh...yes....oooh, oh yeah...relaxing.
Just fed. Nice and sludgy and squidgy. Alloran screamed like a girl when I went in his ear. Was a bit difficult as he is developing wax buildup in his ears. But hey, he's a pretty old guy. Hmm...probably need to hire Wax Buildup Remover Yeerk too.
Or I really need to just get a new andalite host...yeah...that might help...
Has proved to be quite difficult, though. Yeah, being morph capable, they kind of get away whenever I capture them. It's getting a bit annoying, really. Really rather disappointing.
Must find anda porn disk and big screen t.v. to set up in woods. Hmm...worthy trap idea.
Just might work...
They're all a bunch of single males anyway; the military, I mean. They've got to get a little lonely now and then!
Haven't written in a while. I think I'm getting an obssession with consuming andalite flesh. We found that the dome of the ship had sunk to the bottom of the ocean, and supposedly there were some Andalites in there. Well, the Andalite bandits found out too, and they rescued them.
So there I was, chasing dolphins and a shark out to sea, getting ready to have a meal of Andalites. When they started wearing out, I actually honestly considered eating them. Got beat up by andalites in whale morph before I was able to though.
Next time I see a Save the Whales campaign, I'm going to burn their little table, all their pamphlets and little buttons, and have the people either
a. liquidated
b. eaten by Taxxons
or
c. enslaved
That'll teach those neurotic hippie ecology humans. Tree hugging, Bambi humping morons! AND those Andalite bandits!!!
Huh! The nerve! SPERM whales.
Heh..heh...heh....
I'm sick.
Which is why I went to my psychiatrist the other day.
Dr. Nulsar 942 of the Plas-Uple Pool. He's quite helpful.
(AND THEN I was following for about an hour in this morph, see, it's called the Mardrut. Ugly piece of crap, really. But anyway, I was following them.)
"And who would this be?" He said.
(Oh. Uh, the Andalite bandits.) I lied, my andalite host stretched out, on the red silk sofa, Dr Nulsar scribbling in his notepad.
"Ah haaa....yes...I see....Andalite...bandits..." He scribbled some more. "Yyyeeesss."
My eye twitched in annoyance. I covered it with my hand to stop it.
"When did you get that twitch?"
(Just now, really.)
"Hmm..." Scribbling. "Says now...most likely developed over time due to immense stress. So these, Andalite bandits...they visit you often?"
(Uh...well...not voluntarily...but-)
"So you summon them?"
(Uh...maybe...Actually, I haven't tried that. Hmm...)
"Yes..." He was scribbling some more.
(Kind of a wack plan really, but maybe some refinements...perhaps if I made a female thoughtspeak voice...)
"Summons...'Andalite bandits'..." Still scribbling.
(...sort of a damsel in distress thing going on maybe...hmm...just might work!) I sat up brightly.
"Please Visser! Please! Lie back down!"
I did.
"Now tell me more about these bandits."
(Ah, well. There's always this one-)
"Yes?"
(He's a sort of Aristh, or something. He looks like it.)
"Does this Aristh remind you of someone?"
I blinked. (Come to think of it...yeah...He does!) I desperately tried to think.
"Someone from your past perhaps?!" The doctor sounded excited now, his pen poised above his notepad.
(Well obviously!) I snorted. (It's just that face! It's sooo familiar! I just can't place it!!!) I said, frustrated. (What's that Alloran?)
"Yes, that's excellent! Use your host! Try! Try to remember! Try to think!"
(Oh...maybe some family resemblance or something...Oh shut up, Alloran! No one cares what you have to say! This is MY session! Schedule your own appointment. This is about ME remember?! I'M the psycho here! I'm the one with the mental problems, okay?! Not you! Stupid, whiny little attention seeker! MY medicine! MINE okay?! Not yours!)
I sighed and gave up. (Ah, well! It doesn't matter!) I began to get up.
"Wait! Wait! It's not over! The session is not complete!"
(Yeees, it is.) I muttered and shoved him out of my way. He flopped over his desk and landed on the floor of the other side of it. (No more touchy feely feeling sharing! It's making Alloran's brain itch!)
He struggled to get up.
(Well?!) I said, getting very annoyed now.
He looked puzzled. "What is it Visser?)
(WRITE ME A PRESCRIPTION DAMMIT!) I hooked my tail blaid on his shirt collar and shook him about a little.
Honestly, the incompetence I have to deal with! Can't even get some drugs!
Hmm...may have to resort to the 'ol Quaker. The Yeerk Oatmeal heads say it has medicinal qualities. Even if it does drive you insane. Hmm...maybe in small amounts...
I got back to my blade ship, and sat on my little throne on the ship's bridge.
(WHERE ARE MY PILLS?!) I roared.
A very timid Hork Bajir came forward and gently plopped a CVS Pharmacy bag on my lap. It accidentally TOUCHED MY ARM in the process.
I knocked it away from me with my tail. I heard a scream as it fell back into some lady and knocked her into a Taxxon. I heard a sickening SPLOCH as it burst open. Clumsy broad! Honestly, what do you think's going to happen when you go clomping right onto a Taxxon? Stupid dame!
A few seconds later a Taxxon Restraint Squad and a Clean Up Crew were being called by a voice with a nasal quality over the Blade's intercom.
Note to self: destroy all hosts with nasal voices.
Yes, that would have to be added onto my LIST OF VISSERLY DUTIES AND OTHER THINGS I HAVE TO DO.
Right under KILL ANDALITE BANDITS!!!, and definitely just above FIND TIME MATRIX, GO TO 1950'S EARTH AND FIND AND KIDNAP MARYLIN MONROE.
Yep. I'm gettin' there!
Dr. Nulsar said 'Proper goal setting is the first step to discovering' my 'inner Yeerk.'
Whatever the hell that means. All I get is the word 'goal setting'.
I ripped my bag open and at least five little boxes of pills came out. I picked one up. It read PROZAC nicely on the front.
(Oh goody! I've never had THESE before!) I swung my forehooves back and forward off the edge of the seat merrily.
Chapman came over. "Oh hi Visser!"
Ugh. Chapman. I muttered a greeting. He's been all optimistic lately. So disgusting! He probably got some from his host's wife's Yeerk. Word gets around the pool. Either that, or he's in the Oatmeal trade now...
"I see you got some new pills!" He said brightly. "Enjoy!" He smiled away like a boyscout dad. I wanted to rip his cheesy head off, but I had just lost a Taxxon because of some WOMAN having her PERIOD, and like I said, my Casualty Count was getting quite high. Dangerously, glaring red lights, high. As in Ms. Sweeny high. Heh heh. Ms Sweeny, high. Like she'd even know where to put a joint...
(Yyeah...they're mine...)
He chuckled. "Well of course they are!" Ugh! He was so...smiley and cheerful!
Must...break...HAPPY...SPIRIT!!!
Fighting...urge...to...decapitate...
Pills! Need PILLS!
Yes...nice...lovely pills!
"Now Visser..." He laughed cheesily.
Must...escape...CHEESY...REALITY! AAAAAHHH!
"Don't take more than you ought to. Remember last time!" He practically sang it.
(Oh YEAH! MAN! That WAS fun!)
"No! Visser! No!!!"
Hee hee! Too late!
***
Chapman here.
The Visser is just staring at me smiling now. I fear for his intelligence!
It has been months since his last overdose!
I've been better lately! Have taken the Visser's advice, and moved on to better, bigger things in life!
He's so wise and wonderful, and mature and kind and caring and fatherly and elderly but not really old, and brotherly and...
Sorry. Just thinking...
Got to go! Visser is now giggling and trying to ride on back of Hork Bajir!
No...wait...he's not trying to ride...oh dear...
*Visser slaps Birdie num num.*
Sorry. Thank you.
*Visser.* (You're welcome.) *Mutters.*
What?
Okay! Okay! You'll get your crate of oatmeal in a minute! After I get this story okay?! Sheesh!
Vissers! *Sigh*
Nothing! I didn't say anything! Oh for crying out loud!
Nooo no! I don't like Ax more than you! Oh stop being ridiculous! He's...never mind.
I'm not telling you!
It's confidential that's why!
Ha! You can't! *Sings in na-na-na-naa tone* I've got earplugs! Heh heh!
What? *Takes ear plugs out* Of course I know you're kidding!
Yeah, yeah, I love you too! What? You want to do what with me? Heh heh...but wouldn't you need to morph for that?...Heh heh heh...Mmm...maybe later!
Now let me type the story!
AND Visser Three would like to dedicate this to...nobody but himself. Okay, that's...nice...
Well I'd like to dedicate this to Victim-of-his-own, and all the other Visser lovers out there!
Enjoy guys! Thanks for liking it and taking all the...time and...energy it takes... to review!
Entry Whatever. I can't be bothered with numbers! I need to hire a Number Yeerk. Get someone to number stuff for me! Really, I'm a Visser! If other Vissers knew I was actually numbering my OWN diary, well, huh! They'd think I was...uncivilized! Or...something...I don't know...
Hmm. Andalite bandits destroyed Kandrona. Created a little red tape what with the starving controllers and hosts going free and having to kill them and all.
Not like it affects me.
Huh.
Well, I AM the Visser.
See, there's these nice little things humans have developed.
They're called jacuzzi's.
Turns out they can hold a private Kandrona pool.
Heh heh. Stupid Andalite bandits.
Ahhh...yes....oooh, oh yeah...relaxing.
Just fed. Nice and sludgy and squidgy. Alloran screamed like a girl when I went in his ear. Was a bit difficult as he is developing wax buildup in his ears. But hey, he's a pretty old guy. Hmm...probably need to hire Wax Buildup Remover Yeerk too.
Or I really need to just get a new andalite host...yeah...that might help...
Has proved to be quite difficult, though. Yeah, being morph capable, they kind of get away whenever I capture them. It's getting a bit annoying, really. Really rather disappointing.
Must find anda porn disk and big screen t.v. to set up in woods. Hmm...worthy trap idea.
Just might work...
They're all a bunch of single males anyway; the military, I mean. They've got to get a little lonely now and then!
Haven't written in a while. I think I'm getting an obssession with consuming andalite flesh. We found that the dome of the ship had sunk to the bottom of the ocean, and supposedly there were some Andalites in there. Well, the Andalite bandits found out too, and they rescued them.
So there I was, chasing dolphins and a shark out to sea, getting ready to have a meal of Andalites. When they started wearing out, I actually honestly considered eating them. Got beat up by andalites in whale morph before I was able to though.
Next time I see a Save the Whales campaign, I'm going to burn their little table, all their pamphlets and little buttons, and have the people either
a. liquidated
b. eaten by Taxxons
or
c. enslaved
That'll teach those neurotic hippie ecology humans. Tree hugging, Bambi humping morons! AND those Andalite bandits!!!
Huh! The nerve! SPERM whales.
Heh..heh...heh....
I'm sick.
Which is why I went to my psychiatrist the other day.
Dr. Nulsar 942 of the Plas-Uple Pool. He's quite helpful.
(AND THEN I was following for about an hour in this morph, see, it's called the Mardrut. Ugly piece of crap, really. But anyway, I was following them.)
"And who would this be?" He said.
(Oh. Uh, the Andalite bandits.) I lied, my andalite host stretched out, on the red silk sofa, Dr Nulsar scribbling in his notepad.
"Ah haaa....yes...I see....Andalite...bandits..." He scribbled some more. "Yyyeeesss."
My eye twitched in annoyance. I covered it with my hand to stop it.
"When did you get that twitch?"
(Just now, really.)
"Hmm..." Scribbling. "Says now...most likely developed over time due to immense stress. So these, Andalite bandits...they visit you often?"
(Uh...well...not voluntarily...but-)
"So you summon them?"
(Uh...maybe...Actually, I haven't tried that. Hmm...)
"Yes..." He was scribbling some more.
(Kind of a wack plan really, but maybe some refinements...perhaps if I made a female thoughtspeak voice...)
"Summons...'Andalite bandits'..." Still scribbling.
(...sort of a damsel in distress thing going on maybe...hmm...just might work!) I sat up brightly.
"Please Visser! Please! Lie back down!"
I did.
"Now tell me more about these bandits."
(Ah, well. There's always this one-)
"Yes?"
(He's a sort of Aristh, or something. He looks like it.)
"Does this Aristh remind you of someone?"
I blinked. (Come to think of it...yeah...He does!) I desperately tried to think.
"Someone from your past perhaps?!" The doctor sounded excited now, his pen poised above his notepad.
(Well obviously!) I snorted. (It's just that face! It's sooo familiar! I just can't place it!!!) I said, frustrated. (What's that Alloran?)
"Yes, that's excellent! Use your host! Try! Try to remember! Try to think!"
(Oh...maybe some family resemblance or something...Oh shut up, Alloran! No one cares what you have to say! This is MY session! Schedule your own appointment. This is about ME remember?! I'M the psycho here! I'm the one with the mental problems, okay?! Not you! Stupid, whiny little attention seeker! MY medicine! MINE okay?! Not yours!)
I sighed and gave up. (Ah, well! It doesn't matter!) I began to get up.
"Wait! Wait! It's not over! The session is not complete!"
(Yeees, it is.) I muttered and shoved him out of my way. He flopped over his desk and landed on the floor of the other side of it. (No more touchy feely feeling sharing! It's making Alloran's brain itch!)
He struggled to get up.
(Well?!) I said, getting very annoyed now.
He looked puzzled. "What is it Visser?)
(WRITE ME A PRESCRIPTION DAMMIT!) I hooked my tail blaid on his shirt collar and shook him about a little.
Honestly, the incompetence I have to deal with! Can't even get some drugs!
Hmm...may have to resort to the 'ol Quaker. The Yeerk Oatmeal heads say it has medicinal qualities. Even if it does drive you insane. Hmm...maybe in small amounts...
I got back to my blade ship, and sat on my little throne on the ship's bridge.
(WHERE ARE MY PILLS?!) I roared.
A very timid Hork Bajir came forward and gently plopped a CVS Pharmacy bag on my lap. It accidentally TOUCHED MY ARM in the process.
I knocked it away from me with my tail. I heard a scream as it fell back into some lady and knocked her into a Taxxon. I heard a sickening SPLOCH as it burst open. Clumsy broad! Honestly, what do you think's going to happen when you go clomping right onto a Taxxon? Stupid dame!
A few seconds later a Taxxon Restraint Squad and a Clean Up Crew were being called by a voice with a nasal quality over the Blade's intercom.
Note to self: destroy all hosts with nasal voices.
Yes, that would have to be added onto my LIST OF VISSERLY DUTIES AND OTHER THINGS I HAVE TO DO.
Right under KILL ANDALITE BANDITS!!!, and definitely just above FIND TIME MATRIX, GO TO 1950'S EARTH AND FIND AND KIDNAP MARYLIN MONROE.
Yep. I'm gettin' there!
Dr. Nulsar said 'Proper goal setting is the first step to discovering' my 'inner Yeerk.'
Whatever the hell that means. All I get is the word 'goal setting'.
I ripped my bag open and at least five little boxes of pills came out. I picked one up. It read PROZAC nicely on the front.
(Oh goody! I've never had THESE before!) I swung my forehooves back and forward off the edge of the seat merrily.
Chapman came over. "Oh hi Visser!"
Ugh. Chapman. I muttered a greeting. He's been all optimistic lately. So disgusting! He probably got some from his host's wife's Yeerk. Word gets around the pool. Either that, or he's in the Oatmeal trade now...
"I see you got some new pills!" He said brightly. "Enjoy!" He smiled away like a boyscout dad. I wanted to rip his cheesy head off, but I had just lost a Taxxon because of some WOMAN having her PERIOD, and like I said, my Casualty Count was getting quite high. Dangerously, glaring red lights, high. As in Ms. Sweeny high. Heh heh. Ms Sweeny, high. Like she'd even know where to put a joint...
(Yyeah...they're mine...)
He chuckled. "Well of course they are!" Ugh! He was so...smiley and cheerful!
Must...break...HAPPY...SPIRIT!!!
Fighting...urge...to...decapitate...
Pills! Need PILLS!
Yes...nice...lovely pills!
"Now Visser..." He laughed cheesily.
Must...escape...CHEESY...REALITY! AAAAAHHH!
"Don't take more than you ought to. Remember last time!" He practically sang it.
(Oh YEAH! MAN! That WAS fun!)
"No! Visser! No!!!"
Hee hee! Too late!
***
Chapman here.
The Visser is just staring at me smiling now. I fear for his intelligence!
It has been months since his last overdose!
I've been better lately! Have taken the Visser's advice, and moved on to better, bigger things in life!
He's so wise and wonderful, and mature and kind and caring and fatherly and elderly but not really old, and brotherly and...
Sorry. Just thinking...
Got to go! Visser is now giggling and trying to ride on back of Hork Bajir!
No...wait...he's not trying to ride...oh dear...