Dear Diary,
Today I met a boy and -
No wait, that's not it. Sorry. Stupid Britney Spears. Hold on. Let me turn the stereo off.
There we go. Ah yes. Nice and quietely!
It has been a while since I have troubled you to type into your lovelyness, troubled your absolute supreme diaryness with my Visserly woes, but today, I am greatly distressed.
I have once again been foiled by the Andalite Bandits.
Excuse me while I have another twitch fest darling.
Ah, I am back. That was magnificent. I think I might have killed a few subordinates downstairs by knocking over my jar of acid that I keep just in case I catch a delicious Andalite, but no worries. I'm sure it will burn itself out on the next thirty stories down before it burns a whole in the hull of the ship. And when it comes to subordinates, there are plenty more fish in the zoo. Or...something like that... Whatever. Anyway. The point is, it's all good, right?
Ah, there you have it. I was wrong. The alarm lights are coming on.
I must go before I get sucked into the vacuum of space!
Farewell for now, darling!
-Esplin
Dearest Recovered Diary,
Unfortunately, YOU were sucked into the vacuum of space, but here you are, safe and sound in my clutches at last.
Chapsie spotted you with his brilliant eyes. How he was able to distinguish you from billions of stars, I do not know, but he did. Congratulations to him. I officially gave him the day off.
And what does Chapsie do on his day off, except visit me?
We had a lovely tea, and Chapsie and I discussed shaving our legs, decorative knicknacks, and other Visserly things. Then, as he was leaving, he informed me of something fascinating.
"Oh! I nearly forgot!"
"Oooh! What did you nearly forget? A surprise??"
"Yes, a lovely surprise for you Visser."
"OOOOOOOOOOOOH! WHATZIT?"
"You have a darling female Andalite in your possession."
"OOOOOOOOOH! CHAPSIE! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! IT'S LIKE BUTTER BUT IT'S NOT -Wait... Why exactly do I care about this?"
"I don't know...I suppose? Oh! Darling just enjoy it!" he kissed me on the cheek. "Goodbye sweetheart! I'm off to work again!"
"Goodbye Auntie! But why off so soon?"
"Well, you know my boss. He's...a Visser."
We laughed poshly together.
"Ciao darling!"
"Ciao Auntie!"
Chapman came back in a moment later, looking rushed and flustered.
"Visser! I'm sorry!"
fWAP! I smacked the impudent Chapsie! He is my Chapsie, but how dare he arrive late? He knows I have needs! I...I forget things! Like...where the bath is! I have to run part of an empire dammit! I can't be bothered to remember something so mundane!
"I'm sorry Visser!" he sobbed.
"NEVER MIND THIS! YOU'RE INCOMPETENT! I HAD TO HEAR FROM MY AUNT THAT A FEMALE ANDALITE WAS CAPTURED! AND...why are you still in a dress??"
"Oh, sorry!" he ripped it off, revealing his regular Vice Principal of the human school suit underneath.
"And the flowered hat!"
"Yes Visser!" it was tossed away instantly out into the hall.
"And the pearls!"
"Oh, but Visser!" he began to whine and pout.
"THE PEARLS!" I boomed.
"Yes, Visser." he said glumly and snatched them off, his eyes moist, stuffing them into his pocket for later use.
"Chapsie," I said with a sigh, rubbing my forehead. "I am willing to play your little cosplay with you. But it is somewhat necessary that you arrive on your regular scheduled time, dressed properly - "
"I know, I'm sorry Visser!"
"DON'T CUT ME OFF!" I cried with Visserly indignance.
"I'm sorry Visser!" he sobbed. "I fail! I FAIL!"
He wept brokenly at my feet.
"Never mind these dramatic distractions!!!" I was getting frustrated! "What about this...female?"
"Yes, Visser!" he rose to his feet. I handed him a hankie.
"Lipstick Chapsie. It's for the lipstick, not the tears."
"Oh, okay Visser." he cried some more as he wiped off his favorite color. Perfectly Peach. $5.99 a tube. Wasn't cheap, you know.
"Let the tears flow, Chapsie. It's alright."
"Thank you Visser." Chapsie smiled at me with goo goo eyes shining.
"Aww. You're making me sick. Now bring my present!" I clapped my hands and bounced impatiently.
I couldn't wait to see this female Andalite! There was apparently some kind of purpose to such a prisoner, but I didn't know what it was yet...surely somewhere in Alloran's memories...!
What's that Alloran? Okay, shut up now. Shut up. Good boy. You don't know anything. Okay?
Oh what a stupid idea! Mating! HA! That's what my Unga boo is for!
Andalite females and Andalite males don't mate! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever - Oh.
Oh right. That's why...yeah, males and females...and one goes in and one goes out, oh, yeah, I...I gotcha...
blushies
SHUT UP ALLORAN! IT'S NOT MY FAULT I DIDN'T KNOW! SHUT UP! NOW!
I'll punish you! I'll punish you with...with...Sweeny thoughts!
Yes, that's right! I will! UGH! I'd hate to do that to you, even to you Alloran, but I WILL! If I have to...!
Oh please don't make me!
Yes, that's right...good boy. Just remember...you and her...in a bedroom!
I don't want to do it but I will if I have to, Alloran...
Oh I am so depraved.
Oh well. :: . I have an Andalite female!
And then I realized it!
"OH NO! CHAPSIE! COME BACK!" I couldn't have HER in here! What if Unga came in and thought...Nooo! I couldn't let that happen!
And then SHE came in! The Evil One!
She stared at me with wide eyes.
"NO!" she screamed...and...threw herself at me?
Her arms grabbed onto my forelegs. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Ow! My head!" I moaned as my head was filled with awful thoughtspeech shrieking.
"PLEASE DON'T RAPE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She snuggled against my legs imploringly. "PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE!"
She threw herself onto her back and held an arm over her face in despair, legs and tail thrown open.
"EWww!" I covered my eyes. "Stop it! Close your legs!"
"Oh please!" she moaned. "Don't force me! I - I don't know anything about males!"
"MMMMMMmmmmm - hmmmmmm!" I snapped my fingers. "Sure, honey."
"Please! Be gentle! I-I-I've never been with anyone before!" She blinked big wide eyes at me.
"Pfft. Well no wonder, sweetie." I muttered. I felt an almost...parentally...ish...responsibility to this...thing!
"What?" she stared with wide eyes. "Wh-what did you s-s-say?"
"CLOSE YOUR LEGS." I bellowed at her. She did and trembled. I could have sworn I saw a glimmer of disappointment in her eyes, but...
"I already have someone. I do not need a...a...a thingy..."
She giggled. "You mean..." she blushed. "A mistress?" Her eyes got big and googly at the word.
"Erm...yeah. Whatever."
She smiled "ARE YOU SURE?"
"Eh, yeah! I mean... no! What? Wait! I...I don't understand!" I must have missed out on part of the conversation! Stupid complex Andalites!
"REALLY? OH!" She ran to me and - no! - put her arms around me!
"NOOOOOOOOO! That's not what I meant!"
"Oh!" she stared up at me with terror in her eyes. "Oh please! Don't beat me! I'll be good! I'll - I'll -" she blushed and looked away. "I'll please you!"
"What??" I turned purple. "I - you - that's - I NEVER SAID THAT!!! Get away from me!"
She trembled and stood back. "Are -are - you going to..." her lids dropped low. "Spank me?"
"Eewwwwww! Get away!" I shivered as I ran over to the hopefully safe side of my chambers. Maybe it couldn't follow. Maybe it didn't know how to follow.
No such luck!
I was confused because I did not see it at first. But I looked down and ugh! BEHOLD! It was attached to my leg!
"Oh, Visser!" she cried, her eyes all cloudy and...blegh!
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Chapman get it OFF!"
Chapsie came in with his pepper spray and baton.
"No Chapsie, we're not that mean. Use the water gun."
"Ha ha!" Chapsie sprayed her with the water gun!
"Eeeh!" she cried and ran to her little Ramonite box.
"Good girl." I said, satisfied.
And now I am updating you again, typing away and - LAKWJEROLAKSDFLwekfnawlkn!
Hello. I am back. The nasty thing was reading over my shoulder.
I turned my head and HUGE GREEN EYES BLECH were staring right into mine.
She was all giggly too.
"You were writing about meeeee! Eeh hee hee hee!"
"BAAAAAAH!" I screamed. "GET AWAY!"
It clung to my neck! The nasty little rag wouldn't let go!
"Let GO HO!" We crashed around, knocking consoles and other such Visserly crap everywhere.
"No! Please! Oh! DON'T VIOLATE MEEE!"
"Ewwww! That's NOT going to happen, loser!" I was about to faint from lack of air! "YOU'RE FAT! LET GO!"
She did. She stared at me with huge eyes.
"I'm...fat?" She looked down at the floor. I heard whimpering noises a moment later.
"Awww. I didn't mean that. Come here." I gently patted her shoulder. "You're not fat at all. I just like to breathe, that's all. Besides, I like big females." I continued, thinking of how tall Unga was compared to me...yeah, I did like big females...
"Re-re-really?" she sobbed.
"Really."
"YAY!" She threw her arms around my ribs!
"Gbuh! Crushing!" I tried to move the wiry little arms! She was a lot stronger than she looked!
"GET OFF!" I threw her...oh no! Onto the bed!
"Oh NO!" she moaned with, I'm sorry, but it must have been, yes, joy. Yep. There was no mistaking that joy. "Please, don't!"
I began to cry. "I just want to go to bed!"
"Oh Visser!" she pulled her torso up to look at me. "I - I - I'll do ANYTHING!"
"Eww! I believe that."
"But please! Don't...don't have me infested!"
I grinned suddenly. There it was! The solution!
No...no...I couldn't do that. The Council...they would have me permanently imprisoned for such cruelty to a subordinate.
Besides, no one would want her anyway. They'd rather pick Kandrona starvation...
I'd rather pick Kandrona starvation...
Or Oatmeal...oooh...mmmmm...Oaaatmeaaaal...
"Oh Visser, you look...so DREAMY! I misjudged you, I think! Ohhh!" she threw her torso back onto MY PILLOW! and relaxed.
How to get rid of it! How to get rid of it!
"WHAT IS IT?" Oh, my head! I was too tired to think of all this right now anyway! "WHERE DID IT COME FROM?? WHO SENT YOU?? You're from Visser One aren't you? KILL IT!!!"
Chapman came in, ROARING chainsaw in tow.
"Where is it Visser?"
"It's on the bed, dammit!"
He grinned and advanced. Her eyes grew wide.
"Oh Chapsie, noooooooo!" I took the chainsaw from him and threw it into the wall. It BRRRRRRed into the next room where it burst a Taxxon.
"SHHREEEEEEEE!"
"No, Chapsie, no. I don't want a mess in here! I'm tired! Look, just get it off the bed, that's all I'm asking!"
She relaxed. Chapsie sighed with disappointment. A Hork Bajir in the other room began to mop up the Taxxon mess with a long sigh.
"Alright Visser. But you know, I told you she would only bring you tears!"
"No you didn't!"
"Yes I did!" he stared at me, pausing in between putting on his helmet and plastic shield and readying his baton and pepper spray.
"No, you said that about Unga."
"Oh, right! Well...I was wrong about her, you know?"
"Really?"
"Yes," he admitted, nodding with shame.
I was touched. "Aww, Chapsie!"
"Excuse me!" the thing cried, looking fearfully at Chapsie's gear. I almost felt sorry for it.
Well, alright. Maybe I was tired. I don't know. Maybe I'm getting soft... but I did actually feel sorry for her.
"Chapsie, be nice and use the water gun."
Chapsie was way ahead of me though.
"Take that, floozie!" he sprayed with the plastic green water gun at her.
"Eeeh!" she hid in her little box again.
I happily fell down onto my bed then, snuggled up to Luke Skywalker Plushie, and fell asleep.
But yes, I am updating now and that was last night. Ah, delicious quiet. I've been watching the Ramonite box and she has not yet emerged.
She's planning...watching...and...waiting... She'll bide her time alright... she's waiting...planning...
Ugh. Shudderyness!
Well, I must go and do more Visserly work and...watch my back!
Make sure above all THAT UNGA DOES NOT SEE HER!!!
Still suspicious of Visser One,
Esplin