V. Chapter Four
It was dark when Raven and Beast Boy returned to the tower, going in by the rarely-used ground entrance. Only with great restraint did Raven make it to the elevator without dispatching her pride and using Beast Boy as a crutch. As it was, she leaned heavily against the wall as soon as the elevator was moving up to the main floor and closed her eyes.
Somehow she knew that Beast Boy was looking at her with concern, but she pretended that she didn't.
It was an odd feeling, coming back here. Raven thought of her leap from the window. It seemed to have happened forever ago. She remembered the urgency of that moment, but could no longer understand it.
"Raven –" said Beast Boy suddenly, and got no further. The elevator pinged, the doors wooshed open to the hall directly outside the living room, and no sooner than they had stepped out both he and Raven were corralled by the force of an ecstatic Starfire.
"Friends, you have returned unharmed! Glorious!"
Raven contemplated the incredible elasticity of Starfire's arms as the breath was slowly squeezed out of her.
"Starfire…" she wheezed, not sure how to get her to stop. She was saved from having to figure it out. Starfire let them abruptly loose and lumped them both on the head.
"How dare you leave without first notifying us!" She glared at Raven and Beast Boy, hands on hips, fire in her eyes. And the boys thought Raven was the scary one… Over her best friend's shaking shoulder, Raven caught a glimpse of Robin and Cyborg, watching with wide-eyed awe and trepidation but not moving to interfere. Cowards.
"How dare you cause us to fear for your lives! How dare you –" Starfire caught sight of the shopping bags and gasped – "How dare you go shopping without me!"
In a flash, Starfire was rifling through the bags, holding up the items and giving little coos of admiration every so often. Raven didn't know why; there was a certain plainness to everything she'd bought. That was the way she liked it. Simple. Uncomplicated. Easy.
She sighed.
"That's where you two have been all day? Shopping?"
Robin sounded angry. Oh, boy. Overwhelmed and exhausted, Raven decided to allow Beast Boy to field the questions.
"Well, not exactly all day," he hedged.
"Yeah, what'd you do for the rest of the time?" said Cyborg archly, arms crossed over the broad expanse of his chest. His smirk was somewhere between amusement and irritation. "Go to the movies?"
Raven remembered that Beast Boy actually had suggested that at one point during their shopping, but seemed later to have forgotten it.
"Er…" he said. His eyes flicked towards her, and she realized he was wondering how much to reveal. She didn't know either. Not very much was the answer that came always and immediately to mind. But, no, that wasn't really a possibility.
"And what happened here?" demanded Robin. "Why is the window all blown in?"
"Oh, that… Funny story…" Beast Boy laughed awkwardly. Robin glared. Cyborg rolled his eye. Raven noticed that the broken window had been boarded up, and the glass swept away, probably by Cyborg – for no discernable reason, many of the housekeeping duties fell to him.
"It was the thief from last night," Raven put in curtly, losing patience. She wanted – needed, rather – to get to bed. Her head felt like a watermelon, her body like a blade of grass. "He thought I did something to that jewel of his. He left. We left. We're fine. Everything is fine. We're all fine."
They all stared at her, even Beast Boy. She squashed the worm of embarrassment.
"I'm going to bed," she said and she tried to walk away, but all of a sudden Starfire was hovering before her, inspecting Raven's bandaged hand – the only visible injury – which she had taken into her own. Starfire had a warm touch, a wrenching, melting touch. Spill yourself to me, the touch said. Raven snatched her hand away.
Too much, too much, too much.
"Raven, you have been injured –"
"Yes," she said shortly. "And I'm going to bed."
She turned and walked away. She realized she had left the bags just sitting there a moment too late, and was too proud to go back for them.
"We'll talk in the morning," said Robin to her back. There was a hint of dissatisfaction in his voice.
"Uh… good night then, Rae." That was Beast Boy.
"Yes, I wish you most pleasant dreams," Starfire added.
And then Cyborg. "See ya in the morning."
There was a hitch in her step. Raven glanced over her shoulder at her friends.
"Get some sleep, Raven," said Robin, seeming to smile in spite of himself.
"Good night," she said, almost blankly.
When she reached her room, Raven collapsed into bed with her clothes on, asleep before her head hit the pillow.
"… How about this one?"
Raven shook her head. "No, go back to the other one."
Robin clicked a button, and the image projected onto the large screen before the computer subtly changed. He glanced over his shoulder at her, silhouetted in the blue light from the monitor. Raven realized that she wasn't sure whether or not there even were any overhead lights in the data room. Certainly Robin never seemed to use them.
"How's that?" he asked.
"As close as it's going to get."
Raven studied the image on the screen, her hands folded behind her back. It was a good likeness of the thief. The police would be able to recognize him with this, if they saw him on the street. In general the Titans didn't work too closely with the police force, for all that their jobs were the same. The Titans were the back up for special cases. It was always the police who did the actual arresting. But once in a blue moon, the two would work in tandem for a little while.
She stared at the rendering, blank eyes, flush lips, a bit gaunt in the face, and with a long, slender nose. Young and stupid. No matter how she turned it in her mind, he just didn't look like a criminal. But by that logic, she supposed, she didn't really look much like demon-spawn.
Seated at the terminal, Robin saved the image and swiveled in his chair to face her.
"I'll get Beast Boy in here to look it over before we send it out," he told her.
Raven nodded absently. She had woken up late, with full-blown daylight sneaking through the shades, and half-remembered dreams sliding thankfully away already into nothingness (she had forgotten to meditate before bed) and her shopping bags all dropped into the center of the room by somebody – she suspected Beast Boy; the stuffed owl had ended up next to her, but she had still been awake earlier than him. Some things never changed.
"How are you handling all this?" asked Robin, out of the blue. Raven wasn't surprised. She knew him well enough to know that even if he had not cared personally, he still would have asked out of duty as a team leader.
Robin was obligated to care, which was a bitter thing, even though she knew better.
"…I don't know yet."
Over breakfast she had related the events of the previous day to Robin, minus the leaping out the window bit. She had grabbed hold of the board before the thief got that far, she said. Close enough to the truth, without the embarrassing details. She didn't tell him the full extent of her injuries, either. She didn't know why.
Robin was a good friend. Robin was trustworthy. If she had told anybody on her own, it would have been him. But she hadn't.
"Maybe you should find out." Robin stood up and placed a hand on her shoulder. It was very much a boy's hand, heavy, projecting heat through his glove and through the fabric of her loose turtleneck. Her eyes made a line from his face, to the hand, and back.
She knew it was a purely friendly gesture. She knew that Robin was entirely the property of Starfire. She knew it was supposed to comfort her, in some way. But she only felt distinctly uncomfortable with this display of emotion.
Get back, she thought. Don't touch me.
"We're not going to let you go, after all we went through to keep you," said Robin firmly. Raven was sure he was referring to the incident with Trigon. "We'll get your powers back. You know that."
The hand fell away from her shoulder. She breathed a sigh of relief.
"I know you will." Her tone lacked conviction.
Robin got results in part by believing that he would get results. Mind over matter. Somebody believed, and sometimes that was all she needed to hear. There was no comfort there now, though, only a firm knot of anxiety in the pit of her stomach.
"There's something you're not telling me."
Raven's heart leapt into her throat. What did he know? Her injuries? Her spectacular failure at heroism? How had he found out?
"W-what do you mean?" she asked.
"I don't know." He sighed, and pushed a hand through his immaculately gelled hair, which was in the beginning stages of growing out. "I just – you seem… distant."
Raven tried to say casually, "Don't I always?"
Robin wasn't laughing. "I wish you would open up to somebody, Raven – it wouldn't have to be me. Just anybody. I know you don't like to get too close, but… it would be good for you," he finished lamely. "I mean, nobody can be alone all the time – no, wait –"
Something twisted sharply inside her. Robin thought she was alone – and for him to actually say it, just out it like that –
Why was she surprised?
"I don't think you have the right to talk to me about opening up to somebody," Raven said abruptly. At times, Robin was just as closed-mouthed as she was, and he damn well knew it.
Robin's cloak swayed about him, a flash of the yellow lining in the dim light, as he shifted in agitation.
"Look, I didn't mean to say that you're alone – you're not. You have all of us, and I hope you believe that. We're all with you. It's just – most of the time you act like you are – alone, I mean."
She stared at him blankly. How, exactly, did he want her to respond to that? "I appreciate that you got out yesterday for a while," he continued, "and you spent some time with Beast Boy – I was surprised to hear that, you know. I didn't know you two could get along."
Words came only with effort. "Yesterday, that was –"
"I'll do anything you want to do. I mean it."
"– That was nothing."
"If you say so," said Robin simply, in a way that infuriatingly implied that he didn't really believe her.
She scowled at him. But that hardly seemed to work on anybody anymore.
"I'm just worried about you," Robin continued, when Raven remained silent.
"Don't be," she said.
He ignored her. He would never understand how seriously she meant it.
"Anyway, I wanted to take you back down to the museum today, so you can look around, ask questions, you know." He seemed not to see her stricken expression. "We checked it out yesterday, but you might see something we missed, and the curator said he was interested to meet you."
Go back to the museum? The scene of the crime? Thinking about it made her head pound.
Because she wanted her powers back without delving into the reason they had disappeared in the first place. She wanted most of all to remain in a kind of stasis until her powers returned, and she could simply pick up where she left off. She wanted not to have to think about a life beyond her powers. No, that would only complicate things, and she had always liked to keep it clean and simple. The idea of examining those gray areas of her own mind made her long for a return to black and dreamless sleep.
She realized, when she thought about it, that her life so far had evolved without much deliberation on her part. She had been born with dangerous powers, so she had been isolated. Her mother had died, so she had left Azarath. Robin and the others had appeared, so she had helped them. And here she was.
It wasn't that she didn't think at all, because she did a lot of that (and thinking was not to be confused with meditating, which was all about clearing the mind). But the truth was that when she thought about the things she had done, she didn't examine why she had done them. The truth was that she just didn't want to know.
Nobody had ever asked her if she wanted to be powerful. She had never had to choose, but she had done her best with what she'd been given, and it was too late to change it now. She didn't want that choice, or even the possibility of it. She wanted a life without complications. She wanted a life of gliding along the surface, easily, without making too many ripples or mucking up the water very much.
'Easy, easy,' was what the monks, her teachers, used to say, when she was just learning the use of her powers and tended to burst objects instead of levitating them. Easy, easy. That was what she wanted. She was tired, and that was what she wanted. She didn't think it was too much to ask.
"What do you say to two o'clock?" Robin asked.
"O-okay," agreed Raven, weakly.
What did it matter what she wanted, after all? She was never going to get it.
"Good." Robin clapped her once on the shoulder. "Now, I'm going to go see if Beast Boy is up yet."
He walked out of the room with a purposeful swish of his cape and a strong air of efficiency. His steel-toe boots announced his presence as he clomped away down the hall. Raven, in her stocking feet, padded out after him and wandered off aimlessly in the opposite direction.
She felt like she was floating. It was a helpless kind of feeling, like a little twig boat, rushing along in the river without any volition of its own. The thief, the stone, her powers, where was she going and what was she coming to, just rushing on by.
And it had only been a day or so since it happened. It felt like a hundred years.
Raven looked up at the sound of the doors wooshing open. Somehow, without noticing it, she had walked to the living room and opened the doors. Well, she had nothing better to do, so she approached the kitchen table, where Starfire was drenching her 'meal of the oats' in mustard. Nearby, Cyborg was frying something that emitted greasy crackling sounds over the stove – probably bacon. He looked up from the frying pan as she came closer.
"Yo! Look who finally decided to show her face – late night, huh, Rae?"
Raven glared, even as she felt a flutter of affection.
"Good morning, Raven," Starfire chirped, turning to her happily. Her long red hair gleamed with perfection, and Raven was embarrassed to feel a spurt of petty jealousy. "Please join us in breaking the fast."
"O-okay." Raven pulled out a chair and collapsed onto it, almost clumsily. She felt out of sorts. The burn by her ribs, freshly wrapped and treated, gave a little burst of pain. Her mind seemed to drift into a soft haze, and she saw Robin's face again, lecturing her in the data room...
What do they think of me…? she wondered, and glanced up at Cyborg and Starfire. They were both staring at her expectantly, and she realized that Cyborg had spoken to her.
Raven shook her head to clear it. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"I said, what'll it be this morning, miss?" Cyborg grinned, adjusting his tall white chef's hat.
"Uh…" It seemed such an insignificant thing to decide. "I'll have anything."
"Bacon and eggs it is!" said Cyborg, and plopped a loaded plate down in front of her. A moment later, he hung up his chef's hat, and sat down with a plate for himself.
Raven looked dispassionately at her breakfast. She was not very hungry, but she ate a small bite anyway.
"Does the taste not please you?" asked Starfire, when she noticed that Raven had only picked at her food. "Perhaps you would enjoy a portion my meal better?"
Glancing at Starfire's mustard and oatmeal concoction, the knot in Raven's stomach tightened ferociously.
"No thanks," she demurred. "I just don't have much of an appetite."
"You know I'm always willing to help out a friend, don't you, Raven?" said Cyborg, with a toothy grin. Sighing, Raven pushed her plate towards him.
"Do you feel unwell this morning, Raven?" asked Starfire, peering into Raven's face. Raven wanted to draw back, but she made herself hold still.
"I feel fine, Star," she said. Her throat felt tight.
Starfire clapped her hands together happily. "Wonderful! Then you may advise me on a matter which has greatly troubled me."
"Oh, yeah," Cyborg put in, as if he had just remembered, "I'm gonna be sprucing up my baby later on – not that she needs it, heh – but if you want to help, my door's always open."
Raven stared at them. Oh, she knew when she was being babysat, and this was it. I know what you're up to, she thought. Why did they think she wouldn't know? Why were they trying to keep her in sight?
Did they know… that she had jumped?
No. How could they?
"You are not busy, are you, Raven?" Starfire asked.
It was then that Raven remembered, with a twist of anxiety, that Robin had planned to take her to meet the museum curator that day. It occurred to her that he might have been trying to keep an eye on her as well, but if that was the case at least he wasn't so obvious about it as Starfire and Cyborg.
Her head pounded. Going with Robin, staying with Starfire and Cyborg, all the same, not what she wanted. She wanted – like the round pools in the bronze floors of Azarath, the pebbles settled on the bottom and the water tranquil and still – she wanted it all to sink down and stay, and leave her clear and empty, a life without complications.
"Raven…?"
She screwed her eyes shut, hardly hearing. Her mouth seemed to move almost on its own, but she had nothing to say.
"I…"
Just then the doors opened, and Raven glanced over her shoulder, startled, to see Beast Boy come in sleepily, wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt and plaid pyjama bottoms. She rolled her eyes, but she felt a rush of relief for the distraction.
"Hey, guys," he greeted them, shuffling over to the kitchen table. He wrinkled his nose. "What's that smell?"
"That's grade A bacon," said Cyborg, crunching demonstratively. "Mm-mm."
"Bleah." Beast Boy pulled a face. He stood at the table, not sitting down, and then he glanced at Raven, and seemed to forget that Cyborg was even there. Raven wasn't quite sure what to make of that.
"You look wiped out, Rae," he said. She blinked in surprise. "Didn't you… uh… sleep okay?"
An odd look passed across his face as he asked that. She didn't know what that meant. She didn't want to know.
"I slept fine," she answered, with a note of coolness.
"O-oh… okay…"
"Yeah, she's probably just tired out from that date you guys decided to go on yesterday," Cyborg put in, grinning. Raven's gaze snapped in his direction. She felt her face go beet red.
"It's not – " she began at the same moment as Beast Boy said "We weren't – "
They looked at each other, and immediately away, hot with embarrassment.
Of course, Cyborg seemed to find the whole thing hysterical, and burst out laughing, so that Starfire had to laugh as well. Raven stood up to go, wishing more than ever that she could just open up a portal and escape. Tears leaked from Cyborg's eye, and Starfire giggled behind her hand.
"C'mon, it's not that funny," Beast Boy was saying.
That was when Robin came in.
He paused and raised one eyebrow. "Er… what's going on here…?"
Nobody had a chance to answer. The alarm went off, shrill and loud, with the red light washing over them.
Raven looked around at the faces which had turned grave, the bodies tense for action, and realized that she would not be going with them. She did not, like Robin, live and breathe to fight crime, but it hurt her just the same – more, in fact than she would have thought. Her heart seemed to drop to a deep and empty place. She gripped the back of her chair tightly.
"Let's go!" said Robin, taking charge immediately. He paused, when he noticed Beast Boy moving to follow with Cyborg and Starfire. "You stay here, Beast Boy."
"But –" Beast Boy started to protest. Robin held up a hand to stop him.
"You're still injured, and – well, you're not even dressed," said Robin, but his eyes also flicked to Raven, and he appeared to send a silent message to Beast Boy. Raven did not need her powers to know what the message was.
Her knuckles looked white as snow on the back of the chair.
"Okay," Beast Boy agreed with a firm nod.
When Raven looked up, she saw their backs as they walked away. It was all she could see, even as Starfire turned around and waved.
"Farewell, friends!" she said.
"Yeah, see ya," added Cyborg.
"We'll be back," Robin told them. His hand strayed to his communicator. "If anything happens…"
"Yeah, yeah," said Beast Boy, waving them out the door. "Get outta here, already."
Robin gave a half-smile in reply, and left. The door closed behind him, and to Raven the sliding shut had a sound of finality.
A/N: Alright, not a lot happening here, but these transition chapters are necessary, you know. Just wanted to show a little Titans love :)
Next time: Raven takes a trip into her mind via the meditation mirror. I'm excited about this one, and you should be, too.
Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope you've enjoyed it.Reviews would be fabulous, really. No, I'm not just saying that.