Chapter 5: This Feeling
It was nearly noon almost two days later when Kagome finally awoke. By then, the group of them had returned to the village where Kaede and her medicines waited. During the night, Inuyasha had collected as much of Kikyo's remains as he could in a cloth bag made from the very clothing the priestess had been wearing and when they returned, presented the bag to Kaede for reburial. Since that moment, however, Inuyasha had become increasingly irritable, refusing to leave Kagome's side for more than a few minutes at a time and unwilling to listen to arguments suggesting that he was overdoing it somehow. When she finally did wake up, it was to the sight of Inuyasha leaning anxiously over her.
"I...Inuyasha?" she moaned, groggily.
"I'm here," he responded softly, brushing a strand of hair out of her face, "Are you okay?"
"Fine, I think," Kagome frowned, rubbing her head.
"Can I bring you anything?" the dog hanyō asked solicitously, "Do you feel any different?"
"Um, no and no," Kagome grumbled, "aside from a serious headache."
"Are you sure?" Inuyasha asked, leaning in closer.
"Would you stop hovering?" Kagome snapped, "I said I was fine."
"You don't have to bite my head off, Kagome," Inuyasha growled in frustration.
"I'm sorry," she sighed, rubbing her head, "I think I need to go home for a little while."
"What?" Inuyasha gasped, "You're kidding."
"Nope," the girl frowned, pushing the covers aside, "Where's everyone else?"
"I...Th-they're waiting for you to wake up," the dog-hanyō stammered, flushing.
"Good," Kagome sighed, sounding tired as she pushed herself to her feet, "Then I won't have to hunt everyone down to say 'good bye' to them all."
"But, Kagome," the dog-hanyo protested, "D'ya really have to go home? I know Kaede can mix up something that'll help your headache."
"Thanks," the girl replied with a fond smile, "but I already know that."
"Well, then..." Inuyasha began, helplessly.
"I...don't wanna talk about it right now," Kagome responded, glancing uncomfortably at the window. Looking in the same direction, Inuyasha noticed the bamboo curtain swinging in the non-existent wind.
"I see," he growled under his breath.
"At least I won't have to look too far," Kagome grumbled, turning to check the contents of her backpack. Inuyasha watched while she rifled around in it, muttering under her breath as she did so.
"Darn it!" she suddenly exclaimed. That was as close as Inuyasha had ever heard her come to swearing. "My toothbrush is missing. Now, I'll have to buy another one." He listened, grinning softly to himself as she continued rooting through her things, muttering irritably the entire time. As he watched, he once again found his heart filling with that strange feeling, a kind of warm, peaceful, yet unsettling feeling which seemed to emanate from the very center of his being.
"What's the matter with you?" a voice from the level of his knees asked. He looked down to see Shippo looking up at him knowingly.
"What's it to you?" the dog-hanyo growled back, not quite ready to share this newfound feeling with anyone just yet.
"C'mon, Inuyasha," the young fox-demon prodded, grinning mischievously up at him, "What's up? You can tell me. I won't tell a soul. Promise."
A number of clever retorts rose to mind at that. Inuyasha, however, wasn't in a mood to try any of them. "I'll tell you when I'm ready," he answered at last, "Speakin' of bein' ready. You ready, yet, Kagome?"
"Almost," she replied, absently removing a handful of dry leaves from the battered pack and throwing them out the window, "There. Now, I'm ready."
"You're leaving us again, Kagome?" Shippo moaned unhappily. "What did you say to her this time, Inuyasha?" he added, turning with an accusing look on the defenseless dog-hanyo.
"He didn't say anything," Kagome cut in, squatting so that she was at close to eye-level with the young fox-kit, "I just feel like I need to go home, that's all. I'll come back soon. I promise."
"Will you bring us back some ninja-food?" Shippo asked eagerly.
"You bet," Kagome responded, smiling.
"Hooray!" the young fox-demon cheered, jumping up to wrap his little arms around her neck, eliciting a laugh from his surprised victim.
After that, Inuyasha waited while Kagome said goodbye to Sango, Miroku and Tenkei. Miroku, who had some suspicious-looking dead leaves in his hair, looked almost too innocent for words. Inuyasha was already well aware of the unprincipled monk's predilection for spying. He'd spoken to the monk any number of times on the subject in varying tones of voice but even that never seemed to stop the irrepressible man. Inuyasha stood by and watched jealously while Kagome said her good-byes. He felt so strange, watching her smile and laugh, embrace and reassure. It was like nothing he'd ever felt before. He had no name for it. Suddenly, gazing at Kagome, he became aware that Miroku was favoring him with a disturbingly knowing look. Not knowing what else to do, the dog-hanyo rolled his eyes in exasperation and rather determinedly stared into a nearby rice paddy instead.
"Okay, Inuyasha," Kagome suddenly said from his immediate right, "I'm ready to go."
"About time," the dog-hanyo growled.
"All right," Kagome scowled, walking past him, "keep your shirt on."
Inuyasha tugged at his red hakama, looking at her in complete confusion.
"It's an expression," the girl sighed irritably, "Are you coming or not?"
Not waiting for a second invitation, Inuyasha ran to catch up, slowing to a walk as he reached her. They walked in silence for a while and, though they were completely within arms reach, he refrained from touching her but resigned himself to simply watching her, hoping to, somehow, see any changes that might have taken place since Kagome and Kikyo had merged.
"What?" Kagome suddenly asked, giving him a strange look.
"Nothing," Inuyasha responded guiltily, looking away. They walked quietly for a minute more before he noticed Kagome was watching him.
"What?" he asked, unknowingly echoing her previous question.
"Nothing," Kagome replied, looking away.
"It's not nothing," Inuyasha yelled, turning on her, "Tell me what's bothering you."
"You first," she replied, looking back with a smile of challenge on her face.
"I...uh," he stammered, caught off-guard, "I...I"
"Never mind," she sighed then, "You were probably wondering if I was any different, now that Kikyo and I are...um...rejoined."
"Uh," Inuyasha tried, warily, "Yeah. How'd you know that?"
"'Cause I was wondering the same thing," Kagome replied, turning back toward the well and beginning to walk again, "That's why I want to go home, so much. I have all these new memories of my life before I was ever born; memories that weren't there before, of fights, of rituals...of you." She looked up then her eyes brimming with unshed tears. "I'm scared, Inuyasha. I wanna go back to my real life and reconnect with the real me. Do you understand?"
That strange warm feeling in his heart surged, filling his whole being and, quite suddenly, he realized he did understand. Nodding, he took Kagome into his arms, holding her tightly as she began to cry in his arms and feeling secretly pleased when she did. She certainly didn't feel or act any different and having her body that close to him made him feel strangely comfortable and safe.
"If you have to go home to feel better," Inuyasha said then, "I won't stop you. Only..." He hesitated, holding her body away from him a little, "Can I still come see you, sometimes?"
She smiled, her face lighting like a young sunrise. "Of course," she laughed, "My life wouldn't be the same without you, Inuyasha."
He smiled back, suddenly feeling as though he was flying. "Well, then," he said with some difficulty, "Take all the time you need." He was surprised to see her smile get even wider.
"Do you mean it?" Kagome asked incredulously, "You're not gonna go all possessive on me, this time?"
"No," Inuyasha responded, feeling inexplicably better, "Not this time. Just promise you'll come back eventually, okay?"
"I promise," she laughed, embracing him again. He squeezed her gently then unwillingly let her go, strangely happy when her left hand remained nestled comfortably in his right. They walked that way all the rest of the way to the well, Inuyasha once again feeling uneasily like he was being watched and fairly sure by whom. Nevertheless, suppressing a growl of frustration, he walked hand in hand with Kagome until they reached the well.
"When will I see you?" Kagome asked then, one hand resting on the weathered wood.
"Tonight," Inuyasha promised, softly squeezing her hand, then, with some difficulty, releasing it, "I'll be there tonight."
Kagome smiled, reaching out to hug him, "I'll see you tonight, then." So saying, she planted a quick kiss on his cheek before disappearing into the darkened depths. As she vanished, Inuyasha could feel his cheeks beginning to flush and, reaching up to touch the spot Kagome's lips had brushed, felt that strange feeling begin to surge through his heart again. Suddenly, there was a soft rustling in the nearby bushes.
"All right, Miroku," he growled, "Come on out."
With a guilty swish of robes, Miroku stepped from the bushes, followed, unsurprisingly, by Shippo.
"Where's Sango?" Inuyasha asked irritably.
"We asked her and Tenkei to join us," Shippo offered before Miroku could stop him, "But Tenkei said you deserved your privacy. She said it wasn't honorable to spy on you, so Sango said she should probably stay, too."
"Didn't stop you though, did it?" groused the dog-hanyo and stalked away shaking his head in annoyance.
"Inuyasha," Shippo called after him, "Are you in love?"
The question followed him like banner. Are you in love? Love? Was that the strange feeling whenever Kagome was nearby? If that was the case, what was this strange empty feeling in its place, now that she wasn't there? Choosing an exceptionally tall tree, Inuyasha leaped into the embrace of its branches and gazed back at the empty well that seemed to beckon to him from the middle of its field. A strange kind of yearning seemed to have taken hold of him and he found himself longing to follow the slender girl into its shadowy depths. Are you in love? How would he find out?
In the end, he decided to talk with Kaede about it. Her experience, he judged, would more than likely provide him with the answers he needed. As luck would have it, she was just on her way to gather medicinal herbs and roots, so the dog-hanyo offered to accompany her, ostensibly for her protection. Before they'd taken two steps out of the village, Inuyasha knew she'd seen through that facade in much the same way he would look through a window.
"So, Inuyasha," she commented, adjusting her basket of tools, "What, then, would ye know that ye could not ask of me in the village?" The silence hung like a curtain between them while they walked, Inuyasha trying desperately to come up with an off-hand way to ask his question.
"What's love?" he finally asked, finding no other way to put it.
"Have ye finally admitted it to yeself, then, Inuyasha?" Kaede responded, stooping to pluck a few stalks of a tall leafy plant with a cluster of tiny yellow flowers on its top.
"Admitted what?" Inuyasha replied defensively.
"That ye love the girl, Kagome," Kaede answered simply, bending down to dig in the earth with a short knife and uprooting several plants in the process.
A thousand possible denials entered his mind and left just a quickly. Finally, he decided, given Kaede's ability to see right to the truth, that honesty was probably the best response.
"I-I'm not sure," he admitted softly, feeling his cheeks grow warm as he did so. Kaede let out a short sharp bark, startling the hanyo until he realized with chagrin that the old priestess was laughing.
"Is that why ye fight it so, Inuyasha?" she cackled, "Because ye do not understand it?"
Inuyasha fought the sudden desire to grab the old lady by her hakama and shake the answers out of her bodily.
"Do not fret so, Inuyasha," she reassured him, "That which we call love is different in each heart that feels it. Even I have felt its pull upon my soul and I would have listened to it, save that I am this village's priestess. When I was very young, my mother once told me that love is that which binds the world together."
"That's all really nice," sighed Inuyasha, "But it doesn't tell me anything."
"Very well, Inuyasha," Kaede nodded, bending to pick the leaves off another nearby plant, "What would ye know of it, then?"
"What's it like?" he asked.
"Love?" Kaede clarified, "It is willingness to do for one person that which one would not normally do. When ye love someone, ye feel a sort of kinship with that person. Ye find yeself going to great lengths for that person. Ye have seen this feeling at work, have ye not?"
Inuyasha nodded, thinking of Miroku and Sango. Before Sango had joined them, Miroku had quite shamelessly chased after every beautiful young female who happened to pass by him, with no apologies to the rest of the group, either. After Sango, however, Inuyasha had seen the unscrupulous monk's behavior change ever so slightly. Although he still never missed an opportunity to massage the demon hunter's behind, there were times when he seemed to enjoy just walking beside her, not to mention the number of times he had put his life in danger for her sake, just as Kagome had done for him. That last thought stopped him. Did Kagome love him? Was that why she stayed? Why she kept coming back?
"Ye understand, now, Inuyasha?" Kaede asked, a knowing glint twinkling in her age scarred eyes. Uncertain, he nodded then shook his head.
"I don't know," he replied, idly picking a few more of the leaves Kaede was gathering and handing them to her.
"Very well," Kaede replied, looking up at the dog-hanyo's bewildered face, "What feel ye about Kagome at this second?"
"I," he began uncertainly, "I want to go to her. To be with her."
"Then trust this old heart," the priestess replied, laying a weathered hand on his arm, "Ye are in love with Kagome."
"But what do I do about it?" he asked.
"That is up to ye," Kaede responded, turning away to gather some loose bark and mushrooms from a nearby tree, "I would that ye tell her, though, were it me."
"Tell her?" Inuyasha responded, suddenly, inexplicably frightened, "Why?"
"Only then will ye know how she feels," the old priestess responded, "Ye can guess, of course, and ye can also hide the feelings ye feel. But how will that profit ye? Of what worth will the feelings be to ye if do not know if she feels similarly? Ye may find yeself wondering what might have happened if ye had told her. Consider that, Inuyasha, when ye make the decision."
Inuyasha sighed, shaking his head, "Don't tell anyone we talked about this, will you, old woman?"
"No living soul shall learn the news from these lips," Kaede swore.
With that, Inuyasha leaped away, running at full-speed back to his tall tree overlooking the field with the Bone Eater's Well in it. Gazing at the open hole in the grass, Inuyasha mulled over some of the old woman's words. Trust this old heart. Ye are in love with Kagome. It is willingness to do for one person that which one would not normally do. I would that ye tell her. Fear warred with desire as he watched the sun sink slowly toward the west. He longed to tell her with every fiber of his being, but he feared her reaction. What if she didn't feel the same way? What if she did? What if he told her and it frightened her as much as it frightened him? Still more, what if she found that she had changed somehow since she'd rejoined with Kikyo? As he thought about it, this last didn't seem to hold much difference to how he felt. He'd cared for Kikyo just as he cared for Kagome and now they were one person; a person he loved. This admission made the strange feeling in his heart surge anew and, abruptly, he realized he'd decided. Leaping from the tree, he ran to a nearby field to prepare a surprise for her.
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Kagome had had a full day. She'd gone to school that morning with all her usual friends and fielded the usual questions about the illnesses her grandfather had invented to explain her many absences from school. This time, apparently, she'd been hospitalized with malaria and chicken pox at the same time. Thinking about it just made her want to shake her head in frustration. Needless to say, she'd arrived in school just in time. Two of her teachers had announced tests to be given at the end of the week. They'd be reviewing course material all week so no student could say he or she hadn't received the material. Kagome had taken careful notes and stashed them carefully in her book-bag before leaving for the day.
Unfortunately, she'd been unable to avoid running into Hojo on the way out. He'd given her a tube of hydro-cortizone ointment and a basket of oranges and asked her if she would visit the local cinema with him that weekend. She'd given her usual protests and added a suggestion that he take some other girl, even going so far as to name names. He'd laughed and said he'd wait until she was available, then wheeled away smiling on his bike. With a sigh, she'd brought home the ointment and oranges and handed them, without a word, to her grandfather, who'd accepted them with a chuckle of glee.
Once at home and with the "gifts" unloaded, she immediately felt better and went up to her room to tackle her homework. However, she found it difficult to concentrate. The new memories of her life as Kikyo, the wandering priestess, warred with the information she'd absorbed at school in her real life. Once again, her head began to throb and she wished fervently that Inuyasha were there to make her feel at least a little better. Failing that, she'd gone to her mother for some acetaminophen and a glass of water and tried valiantly to shove the new memories aside for a while so she could concentrate. Time passed and she did manage to get some of it done, but history and creative writing remained firmly out of her grasp.
Finally, just as the sun was setting, her mother called her downstairs for dinner. They had curry and steamed vegetables for dinner and sometime during dessert, which turned out to be strawberry sherbet, there was a knock on the door. Sota went to answer it, calling, "Kagome, it's for you!" from the door in his usual younger brother fashion. However, when she went to get it, giving Sota her usual smack on the head for his rudeness, she discovered, to her shock, that it was Inuyasha.
"What're you doing here?" she asked impulsively, taking stock of the young half-demon's bearing and noting the fact that his right hand was behind his back.
"I...ah, I," Inuyasha tried, shuffling his bare feet on the mat. Kagome waited, wondering why he'd chosen to knock rather than just entering, which was what he usually did. "Um, here!" he finished at last, thrusting a large bouquet of wildflowers into her arms. Every beautiful flower she'd ever seen and admired near the village back in the Feudal Era was represented.
"Wow," she gasped, turning the bouquet over in her hands, "They're so...beautiful."
"Not as beautiful as you," Inuyasha murmured.
"What did you say?" Kagome frowned, looking worried, "Are you feeling all right?"
"Yes, I...ah," Inuyasha faltered, slipping his hands into his sleeves as he spoke. Just then, his eyes slipped from hers to a spot just over her left shoulder, "Could we go, uh, somewhere more, um, private?"
Kagome glanced over her left shoulder and was surprised to see Sota peeking at her from the kitchen door. Favoring the boy with a glare that would freeze raw meat, she took Inuyasha by the arm and led him away to the shade of the sacred tree where she sat down on a nearby stone bench. Motioning him to join her, she wasn't surprised when he squatted near her feet instead.
"Kagome, I...um," he began, taking her other hand, "I have something I need to tell you and I...I hope it's okay for me to..." he glanced up at her, his face so full of conflicting emotions that she had to struggle between outright laughter and taking him into her arms like a forlorn child. Finally, she settled on a patient, encouraging smile.
Inuyasha let out a sigh, coupled with an angry look away that told her he was berating himself for cowardice, and looked up again, determination now shining in his face.
"Kagome," he whispered resolutely , "I...I love you."
She blinked.
"W...what?" she gasped, her mouth suddenly dry.
"I...I love you," he repeated, louder this time.
"Say it again," she asked, seizing him by the shoulders.
"I love you," he obliged her, smiling in hope mixed with relief.
She laughed, hugging him close. "You don't know how much I wanted to hear you say that one day," she declared happily.
"You..." he stammered in surprise, "you did?"
"Of course, I have," she sighed happily.
"But that means..." he began.
"Yes," she finished, smiling broadly, "I love you, too."
At that, he grinned from ear to ear, hugging her so hard her ribs creaked. She didn't care. She laughed. She hugged him back as hard as she could and they stayed that way for a long time. Finally, she sighed, looking up at the tree.
"What?" he asked, curiosity written on his face.
"I was just remembering something my mother told me once," Kagome replied, her smile softening, "She said my father proposed to her under this tree."
"Proposed?" Inuyasha repeated, confused.
"It means he asked her to marry him," Kagome explained, "Mom says the tree brings out people's true feelings."
"Really?" the hanyo responded, looking up at the tree questioningly.
"Yeah," Kagome chuckled, hugging him again.
"So," Inuyasha offered, taking her hand and leading her as close to the tree as the fence would allow, "what if I kissed you?"
She giggled, "That'd be okay."
He let out a yell of pure joy, then leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips. She kissed him back, remembering the first time they'd ever kissed back in the mirror castle with Kaguya trying to take his humanity from him. This was sweeter, though, because she wasn't trying to save him. She was just standing there under the sacred tree kissing a man she loved.
Out of the blue, she heard a sigh. Breaking the kiss, she looked over Inuyasha's shoulder to see her family standing at the door of her house watching with great big grins on their faces.
"Oh no," she gasped, her face growing decidedly warm.
"What?" Inuyasha asked. Looking back over his shoulder, he spied their smiling audience. "Damn," he whispered, backing away.
"Don't let us disturb you, there, young man," Kagome's grandfather said, inadvertently showing him exactly how many teeth he was missing.
"I'd better go," the hanyo whispered, releasing her with obvious reluctance.
"See you tomorrow, okay," Kagome whispered back.
"Sure you want to see me?" Inuyasha asked, looking warily back at Kagome's retreating family.
"Are you kidding?" she replied, kissing his cheek, "See you tomorrow."
He laughed, then turned and ran to the well-house, disappearing through the doors like the wisp of a dream. Watching him go, she felt wonderfully warm inside. With a sigh, she turned and went back into her house, ignoring the knowing smiles from her family as she made her way up to her room. Once there, she sat down and opened her history book. She had a history report and a composition due in a week and absolutely had to find a way to finish them.
As she began to work she was surprised to find that the new memories now appeared to have integrated themselves with her old ones. The result was, for some reason, that she seemed better able to study, using experience gleaned from the past for help. Somehow, Inuyasha's unexpected confession had turned a key inside her. Her headache had utterly evaporated. It was strange, to say the least, but nice. Pleased, she worked as quickly as "experience" suggested she should, finishing her history report and getting a good start on her composition before her mother came up to let her know it was time for bed.
"Did you have a good day, dear?" her mother asked, watching her daughter don pajamas and turn the sheets down.
"Yeah," she responded, thinking back to the confession and the resulting kiss, "I really did."