x. Chapter Nine

Raven was dreaming.

She was five years old. Her mother knelt in front of her, and she wanted to squirm beneath the weight of Arella's cool hands on her shoulders, but she made herself keep deathly still and quiet. She made a game of it. Don't move, don't move, she told herself, don't breathe, don't move.

"Do you understand what I am telling you?" said mother. Raven looked up at her with wide eyes, trying not to blink. Mother was beautiful and solemn, and Raven told herself that if she was solemn like mother was, then maybe she would be beautiful too.

"Yes," Raven answered, obediently. "I won't see you anymore."

She saw immediately that she had made a mistake by the flash of hurt in her mother's eyes. She wanted to call back the words, open her mouth and eat them back up.

Mother shook her head. "I will come to you. Don't worry. You have to live in a different house now, with different teachers, but… you are still my daughter. I will come to you, when I can."

"I… I want to stay here." With you, she nearly said, but stopped herself in time. Raven forced her gaze sullenly to the floor, trying pitifully to tamp down an embarrassing swell of emotion. Don't let Mama see, she told herself, she won't like it if she sees.

Several cracks appeared in the polished granite, each with a noise like a firecracker. Hot with shame, Raven whipped her head back up to look at her mother.

"It is not safe here, anymore," said mother, gently.

"I – I'm sorry," Raven whispered, knowing it was all her fault, everything was all her fault – leaving home, Mama's sadness, the cracks in the floor, everything. She wanted those cracks she had just made to swallow her up and make her into nothing.

But Arella just leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Raven closed her eyes. She shivered.

"I'll protect you, little bird. Do not fear."

The hazy words seemed to come from far away.

She was six years old. The hand on her shoulder was large and heavy and belonging to the head of the order. He was called the elder.

"You must not focus too hard," he said. His voice echoed in the empty hall. "Be gentle."

Raven narrowed her eyes in concentration. The ceramic jar rose shakily into the air. One inch, two inch, three…

"Easy, easy," he murmured, watching the progress of the jar just as carefully as she was.

For what seemed the hundredth time, the jar exploded into pieces. Raven flinched.

"Now, now, none of that," the head of the order sighed, patting her on the back. "It's alright. Perhaps we should begin to use pebbles instead…"

As her eyes burned with tears of frustration, the ceramic shards were ground into dust.

She was seven years old. The wall around the compound seemed high as anything, and smooth with no ledges or footholds. When the gates were closed, there was no way out. The monks did not mind this, but Raven did.

She was not allowed out of the compound, except on rare occasions, and sometimes when her mother came to visit. Each day, the grounds seemed to grow smaller and smaller. Sometimes she could not remember what the city looked like, what other people looked like. Today, she was curious.

There was nobody around. This was not unusual. When training was over for the day, the monks moved on to other diversions. Some were in the meditation rooms, others at prophecy, still others conducting research in the archives or tending the gardens. Raven was accustomed to being left alone. She understood that the she was lucky the monks had been willing to take her in and train her, that they were unused to the burden of children and she must abide by their rules.

She looked at the wall, towering above her, stretching toward the sky. The gates were closed, as always, and there was no way out but to go up. There was no leverage for climbing. Her eyes touched the top of the wall, and it felt right.

I am up there, she thought, and suddenly she was.

The ground seemed to fall easily away from her. She realized that she was flying. Now she could see the city above the wall, but it had ceased to matter. Just a brief flicker of thought would take her where she wished. She made a clumsy circle of the compound. She brushed the tops of the cloister towers with her fingers.

Raven had never experienced freedom so complete.

She laughed. Her landing was exceptionally clumsy, and she skinned her knees and bruised her hands. The monks scolded and scolded her, sent her to bed without dinner, but she was happy. She had done something that nobody could touch.

"It is not safe," said the head of the order, just as mother had said.

She was eight years old. Raven did not know what was happening, but the usually sedate monks were frantic. The air was heavy with magic. It tickled her skin. She tried to stay out of the way, but the elder finally found her, took her hand and led her away. She stumbled as she tried to keep up. She did not ask what was happening.

The elder led her quickly and silently to the archives. He brought her to the back of the long hall. Her eyes widened. The great chest was open, its contents, the old and precious scrolls that had been written before Azar, were nowhere to be seen. Raven was afraid, but she tried to hide it.

"Get in," said the elder. "Quickly. Be as silent as you can. I will come to get you, later, when it is safe again."

She swallowed thickly. There was nothing she could do. She climbed obediently into the cedar chest. Her heart was thundering, beating a mile a minute. She thought for sure that the elder would hear it, but he seemed not to. When she was settled he closed the lid and it was dark.

This chest was where precious things were hidden. The wards on it were some of the strongest in the entire compound. No one could sense her in here. She should have felt safe, but she did not.

A long time passed. There were voices, loud, angry, indistinct.

Darkness. Blank, blank, blank.

She sat that way for what could have been hours, hiding as she had been told, crouched with the damp smell of the wood.

Afterward, no one would tell her what had occurred.

She was thirteen years old. Arella was dead, and Raven did not know how or why. She was afraid to ask. She was afraid to find out that it was somehow all her fault.

Arella was pale and beautiful on the funeral pyre. They burned the body.

Raven felt as if she were the one being burned, blackened to dust.

All she could think of was her mother, sitting up with her in the night, cool hands and the sweat of nightmares, a soft voice like satin taking her through her first meditative chant, brushing her hair and feeling the cropped-off edges with her fingers, a quiet, sturdy presence, the softness of her lap, with the doves in the garden, melancholy smiles and wanting, wanting, wanting to be like her – no more, now.

She remembered Arella saying to her, I'll protect you, and it was a tortured thought. There was no one in the world who would say that to her now. There seemed to be no one in the world at all.

A chasm opened and swallowed her. She was glad for numbness. She slept. Waking was hard, moving and breathing was hard. The light hurt her eyes. She closed the blinds. She slept, long and dreamless, like one taking a deep pull of water in the midst of dry desert.

She wanted to sleep forever, for as long as she possibly could.

Days later – there was no knowing exactly how many – the elder came to her. She had known he would come. Part of sleeping had been waiting. She knew what he would say, too, but she allowed him to say it. Her throat was dry and rusted from disuse, and there was no hurry.

"It is not safe for you to stay here any longer," he said, as gently as he could, not as gently as her mother would have done. "Without Arella… even my influence… Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

She nodded, not able to speak.

"I'm going to send you far from here, to a new planet, somewhere you'll be safe."

She opened her mouth, feeling the familiar weight of Trigon's prophecy. "But…" was all she managed.

The elder smiled wearily. His eyes were tired and sad. "What will come, will come," he said, repeating the favorite bromide of the order. "We can only react to circumstances as they arise. We all do what we can. The rest is fate."

These words mowed over whatever small desire to protest had arisen. She did not care, and she did not want to. She stared at her boots without seeing them. The silence stretched and grew awkward and it did not matter.

"Perhaps…" the elder hesitated. "Perhaps I should not say this, or perhaps I should have said it long ago, but… despite the dangers, I wish you would allow yourself some happiness. You will have a new life now. Wherever you go, whatever you do, I want you to be happy."

Her thoughts were far away, and she hardly heard him. His voice withered and died. The scene became like a speck of light in the distance.

The space she was in was dark and empty.

"Hello?" she whispered, tentatively.

"It's time to go now," said a voice. "Time to get out."

Her heart hammered, and she did not know why.

"Go," said the voice, and she wanted to obey. The word seemed to fill her up, seeping into her bones, her skin, her teeth, like an inkstain. She took it in. She wanted it. There was no reason to resist.

Go.

Yes, she thought, I will.

Her heart was a struggling creature, a wounded thing, pumping as furiously as the wings of a hummingbird.

What could she do? She wanted somebody to tell her…

Go.

Raven burst into waking like a diver breaking the surface. She gulped air as one suffocating. Reality slammed into her – the thief and the gem, the attack and the beast in the dark, and now… now…

Raven looked about her, and realized she was in the infirmary in Titan Tower.

All the urgency went out of her. Her body felt loose and empty, and she slumped back into her pillow. The sheets were starchy, as usual, but they smelled clean. It was dark. The only noise came from the heart rate monitor by her bedside.

She found she could not lie still. Raven shoved aside the covers, and sat on the edge of the bed, legs dangling over the floor. She was still dressed in her slacks and shirt. They felt dirty and uncomfortable, pressed too close to her skin for too long.

She stood from the bed, ignoring the soreness in her legs, the stiffness of her muscles. She walked to the window, and drew aside the curtain. Outside, the city lights twinkled, reflected off the bay. The sun was a small glow on the horizon. It was nearly dawn.

The sight was welcoming, seeming to open its arms to her.

Go.

Her hand reached up, without thought, to slide the window open…

"Rae…?"

Raven blinked. She looked at her hand on the window latch, and wondered why it was there.

"Wh… what are you doing? Are you okay?"

She turned around, and saw Beast Boy's eyes glittering in the dark. He had pushed aside the curtain between their beds. Suddenly, she could recall all the things she had said to him on the rooftop. He was standing some feet away from her, but still he seemed too close. Embarrassment washed queasily over her. She stared at him, frozen, unable to look away.

His hair was mussed from sleep and from the fight, but there were no bandages or braces, casts or slings. He appeared unharmed – messy, but unharmed. There was a part of her also that was just… just glad. Glad to be there and drink in the sight of him.

"I'm… fine," Raven said, after a moment, hardly believing it herself. They were both fine. "What happened? How did we get here?"

"Do you remember what happened on the train?" he asked, cautiously. She noticed he was leaning on the frame of the curtain, gripping it with one hand for support. There were deep purple smudges beneath his eyes. She felt a stab of guilt.

"Yes," she said quietly. "…Thank you."

Even in the dim light, his blush was a vivid green. "I – it was… I mean, you don't have to thank me. I wanted to do it, and – I said I would protect you, and you would have done the same for me. So, um… anyway… I – I guess I don't remember all that much, myself. I never do, when I… you know."

"I know," said Raven, thinking of the hugeness of the beast hiding in his narrow body. She hesitated, then asked, "Did you see… who it was?"

Beast Boy frowned, obviously frustrated. "No. I never got a look at him. He ran away after you blacked out, I think," he said glumly. "And… he took the jewel."

Raven felt as if she had been punched in the gut. All the breath went out of her. She closed her eyes. Maybe she hadn't known what to do, but… still…

It was out of her hands now, and she realized that however much it had scared her, she had wanted to choose.

"We'll get it back," said Beast Boy, firmly. Raven only nodded half-heartedly, unwilling to hope. He looked at her, for a long moment, as if deciding. "How are you feeling…?" he asked tentatively.

"Fine," she replied, without thinking.

He took a deep breath. "Did you sleep okay?"

Raven frowned, feeling a prick of suspicion, wanting suddenly to run from the room, to run as far and as fast as she could. He was too close. She retreated a step, and her back met the wall.

"Did you have a nightmare?" he said, as one breaking a barrier. He did not move from his place, but the way he looked at her made her feel as if he had taken some steps closer. She did not answer, and he pressed with quiet insistence, like a thumb against the pulse of the matter, "Do you always have nightmares?"

She remembered, "did you know that you talk in your sleep?" and her stomach seemed to drop. She was coming undone. Everything she had tried so hard to keep wrapped up was spilling over. All such a mess.

"Dreams are useless," Raven said weakly. "I try not to remember them."

"Yeah, well, I probably would too, if I was having your kind of dreams."

"You don't know what you're talking about," she said, in a low voice. She did not want this conversation to go any further. She wanted him to stop.

Beast Boy drew himself up. "I know that it has something to do with your mother. You – you said something about her, when I went to put the clothing bags in your room that night, when you fell asleep on the train, when you were in that bed just now. And… you were… crying…"

"I was not," Raven snapped, not knowing what else to do.

"Look, I'm just worried about you!" Beast Boy's voice rose to match hers. "I've been thinking about it, I've been thinking about it a lot, and you have issues, Raven –" She opened her mouth angrily to argue, but he wouldn't let her "– No, let me say this. I have to say this. I don't know exactly how you feel, but I think it's a good thing that you lost your powers because you've been hiding behind them. You've probably been doing it your whole life. That's why you didn't have any clothing of your own – you think that as long as you have your powers, you can't be a full person. You're trying to be like a… a machine, just a cloak and a name, just a weapon, but you're so much more than that to all of us. Your powers aren't the only important part of you. And I don't think you really get that."

Raven closed her eyes. The words were as heavy as a physical blow. She opened her mouth. All that came out was, "I…"

"You use your powers as an excuse to act cold to everyone. You use them as a weapon to keep people away. And you always say it's for our own good, but… you're the one who's scared. Something happened to you, and now you're afraid of being hurt. It's easier just not to think about it, isn't it? But that's… not good for you."

Beast Boy slumped down onto the edge of his bed, exhausted. Raven couldn't seem to speak. She leaned against the wall, staring at the floor without seeing it. There was no way to justify what he had said. She did not know how much time passed – an instant, an hour, an eon – before she left the room without a word.

The door wheezed shut behind her. She forgot to keep walking, and stood still in front of it. She was empty of thought and feeling. It had all been laid out so neatly before her.

Eventually, Raven began to move. Her mind shifted backward, away from the most immediate subject of what Beast Boy had said, shying away from it, back toward days old dreams.

She had stopped meditating almost entirely since the loss of her powers. It felt wrong, and she hadn't wanted to think about the change. So she had let herself dream at night, but what dreams she had were elusive when morning came. They wanted to be forgotten. She was happy to forget.

The truth was… she had known they would be nightmares, and dreams about the past.

Her mother had a place in her mind already, however uncertain. There was no reason to change it by looking back. There was no reason to complicate things further. That was the last thing Raven wanted.

What she had dreamt that night, though, was different altogether. It was lucid memory, with a weight and mass of its own, a solid block in her mind. Why had that happened? As if her subconscious – she thought again of the ghostly figure in the mirror – were trying to tell her something.

She didn't think she wanted to know.

Raven bit her lip in concentration, walking aimlessly through the tower halls. It was light out now, and quiet. The others must have been asleep, she thought. She wondered what was happening here when she and Beast Boy never came back. They must have been worried, she realized guiltily, with a kind of a start. It was the first time she had thought about them since the day before.

Now she looked about the places she was passing by. She thought of Cyborg and Beast Boy, playing their ridiculous games and trying to get her to join in. She thought of Starfire, joyfully hanging up the decorations for a Tamaranian ceremony known only to her. She thought of Robin, herding them all into another training simulation with incredible single-mindedness.

How could she possibly leave this life behind?

Because if she chose to live without her powers that was surely what she would do. She could feel it happening already. It would be slow, inevitable, and unwanted.

"Raven! You have awakened!"

Raven hardly had time to look up before she was enfolded by Starfire's arms. Starfire hugged her, fiercely and thoroughly. For a moment, Raven stiffened. She heard Starfire give a wet sniffle. Haltingly, she raised her hands to rest on Starfire's back.

"Forgive me," said Starfire, pulling away to wipe her eyes. "But I have been most concerned..."

"I... I'm alright," Raven told her, hoping that whatever else happened the hugging and crying thing was over. "Don't worry."

"Come," said Starfire, seeming almost not to hear."I will lightly char a slice of bread for you."

With that, Starfire took her by the hand and led her toward the kitchen, where she made good on her word. Within moments, Raven was seated at the counter with a steaming cup of tea and a number of toast points, each one slathered, as only Starfire could slather, in raspberry jam.

"You must tell me everything that has happened," said Starfire, sitting down across from her. "What sort of evil entity did you encounter?"

"I… I don't know," Raven answered, lamely. She bit tentatively into a piece of toast. Surprisingly, it was not half bad, and she realized how long it had been since she had last eaten. "It was too dark to see."

As she dug in to the stack of toast hungrily, she allowed Starfire to prod the entire story out of her. She told her everything that had happened from the time the lights on the trainwent out to the moment she lost consciousness. She did not speak about the dream she had afterward, or the details of her conversation with the thief.

"I do not know what to make of it," said Starfire pensively, when Raven had finished. "Robin will wish to know of this."

Raven nodded absently. She was not looking forward to that conversation.

"So… did you come looking for us?" she asked after a moment, as it occurred to her that she didn't know exactly how she had returned safely to the tower.

Starfire blinked in surprise. "You mean…? Oh! Of course you do not remember. We nearly left to search for you, when Beast Boy appeared here in his most monstrous form. He collapsed very quickly after arriving. He must have carried you all the way here."

Whatever small embarrassment Raven had felt at the mention of Beast Boy had morphed solidly into guilt by the end of Starfire's explanation. It had never been more obvious to her that she did not deserve him.

"O-oh," was all she managed to say. Raven looked up at Starfire. "Would you… excuse me? I… I need to get some rest."

"I will not keep you," said Starfire kindly. "If you wish, I will inform Robin of your exploits."

"Thanks," Raven said as she stood abruptly to go, knocking her chair back with the sudden movement. The chair legs protested against the floor. "I… would like that."

Starfire smiled at her. Raven turned and left.

After that, she could not seem to get to her room fast enough. She walked at a clipped pace. The walls seemed to press in close to her. Her breath came in short, and the air was thick.

She opened the door to her room and it was like stepping from dead, dry heat into subterranean coolness. Raven sighed with relief.

First came a shower. She turned the spray up as hot as she could stand it and stood beneath it. The pounding of the jet on her back, on her neck, on her face, was beautiful. Steam rose from the water and her skin. She imagined that she was on fire, all her imperfections burning away, and underneath there was nothing left. Her skin, afterward, was pink and glowing.

She combed her hair in front of the mirror, enjoying the repetitive motion of the brush. Slow and steady, again and again until she was clean. Finally she was all untangled, and she could see the straight and perfect lines that the comb teeth had made in her stick-straight hair.

Then she moved to the closet, changed her clothing methodically, piece by piece, old clothes dropped neatly in the hamper, new ones smoothed free of creases over her body, clean and fresh-smelling.

When she was all done, Raven put on her shoes and walked out of her room. She went down the hall, being careful not to meet anybody on the way, and took the service elevator down to the ground floor. She walked out of the tower and headed out to Jump City.

She did not know where she was going, but she knew that she had to get out.

A/N: Unfortunately, there may be some delay on the next chapter. It's college orientation time for me, so I'll be away from home for a few days and not in a position to write much. Sorry, guys. Real life is a bummer :(

Anyway, you're all fabulous. Thank you for the wonderful reviews!I would be nothing without you guys... or I'd at leastfeel like it ;)