It's cold out here.
It's cold out here where he left me.
The drive to Meredith's is long, and I take several detours around various neighborhoods.
I get pulled over twice.
The first time the officer told me it was suspicious and I apologized, and he let me go.
The second time I told the officer that my boyfriend, or whatever, just kicked me out of our apartment and that I'm trying to wait until the last possible moment to drive to my friends' house because my friend is happy with her boyfriend and she's superficial and shallow and that she doesn't want to hear about my deep problems.
He let me go a little more quickly that time.
I stopped to get coffee, and ended up with Diet Coke.
I can't even drink coffee without thinking about him.
"Damn him." I mutter, sipping the soda.
It's not what I want.
I want Burke.
I want to be Dr. Cristina Yang again.
I used to be that intern.
The intern that everybody knew my name.
The intern that knew had all the answers.
The intern that everyone came to whenever they didn't know the answer.
The intern that nobody wanted to be stuck with because there was no way they could outshine me.
The intern with the heart of steel.
The intern that had it all together.
But I wasn't human.
Just an intern.
I long for that to come back to me.
He broke me.
At about 4:30 I pull into Meredith's driveway and I see Izzie staring out the window at my car as I sit there.
I can't cry anymore. The tears have finally dried up.
Thank God, because the last time it happened, they had to give me ativan to help me stop.
I trudge towards the door whenever I see Meredith open it up. "Can I sleep here today?" I mumble.
She doesn't even ask, she just nods.
It takes every muscle in my body to pull myself up the stairs towards her bedroom, and I pay no attention to George or Izzie who stare at me with open gaped mouths.
As I fall into Meredith's bed, a part of me dies.
It's the first time that I've slept in a bed besides the call room and our bed in a year.
It's the first time I've slept without him when one of us hasn't been on call. And many times, we've slept together then as well.
Even when he was in the hospital, I slept with him at least once.
Maybe it was only once.
He broke me.
I can't quit thinking about him.
My edge is gone.
He dragged me across the line from surgeon to human.
He made me weak.
He made me someone who cares.
No more.
I'm not going to be that girl anymore.
I begin to ponder what it is that I need to do to get back in with Bailey and the Chief.
A normal woman would ponder what it is that they needed to do to fix their relationship.
I was that woman last night, and this is where it got me.
God, my thoughts are all over the place.
I just need to sleep.
I need to sleep, and I need to think later.
I can see the sun rising. A new day has begun in the hospital.
Without me.
And it's his fault.
I roll over in Meredith's bed to face the wall as the sun begins to shine into the room.
Of all the days for it to be sunny in Seattle it's today.