"Y-y-y." I stop.
A look of hopefulness brightens his face.
The words won't form in my mouth.
I know what my heart wants to say.
But my tears have turned sour, and my sadness turned bitter.
"You're kidding right?" I finally force out of my mouth.
And hopefulness turns to hopelessness in a matter of mere moments.
"Cristina?" he questions in a low voice.
"Not even 6 hours ago, you were kicking me out of our apartment, and yelling at me. You called me stubborn and ignorant. And now you say you want to marry me?" I don't pull back from his arms, but I feel his grip loosen on me.
"Okay." is the only thing he can utter.
"I mean, Burke...seriously? You know how hard it was for me to say that we were a couple. We were having call-room rendezvous on a daily basis for nearly 6 weeks before you broke it off the first time, and it took me another week after that and everything else that had happened to even admit to myself that I had feelings for you. Then it took me 2 months to get rid of my apartment. Then it took me God knows how long to get comfortable with seeing you in the hospital the way you were after the shooting."
I pause only for a moment, putting my hand up over his lips to ensure that he says nothing. "Me, 'crossing the line with you'? It was the only way I can show my commitment to you, it's the only way I knew how. Me calling Dr. Hahn to protect your career from irreversible damage? My sign of commitment. But marriage? After this? I'm not ready to commit like that."
"So...where does this leave us?"
I bite my lip for a moment, running my fingers over the interlaced threads of my favorite green sweater of his.
It's the same sweater he was wearing whenever he said he loved me.
"I don't know. I think I just need time. I need time to think." I mumble, trying to leave my face as blank as the emotions that I'm feeling.
He nods curtly, his face wounded, and pulls himself away from me and stands up from the bed.
"I don't want us to be over Burke, but I'm just not ready. I just don't think I'm ready. I need time to recover from these things..." I sigh, guilt apparent in my voice.
"Come home?" he offers, holding his hand out.
I resist for a moment the idea of going home, thinking of staying with George, Izzie and Meredith for a while.
Then I come back to my senses and extend my hand for his.
He pulls me out of the bed and into his arms, "I understand that I hurt you. We've hurt each other."
I look up to him and nod slightly, unable to think of anything to say.
"But we can heal each other, Cristina. We do it every time. We are not a team, we are not a well-oiled machine, we are a couple."
"We are a couple." I repeat, my voice soft and steady.
He presses his lips against my forehead in a lingering kiss, and I feel light on my feet.
"Whenever you are ready to take the next step, Cristina, we will. I will not push you anymore than you need to be." he whispers, wrapping his arms around me. "I will wait until the end of time for you."
I bury my face into his chest, reveling in his presence, his tight embrace. "I'll take the next step eventually, Burke. I will. But I just need time now. I'm still an intern, and we're still in a controversial time in our life...our..thing we have."
"Relationship." he urges me.
"Yeah, that. I want to remember this next step in our relationship as a positive time. Not a move of desperation or something. We just crossed a line at work that we should've never crossed, we need to recover from that." I continue, "I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm saying...it's just that..." My words trail off.
I feel guilty in a sense, and I don't understand why. I don't understand why I can't tell him that.
That's why I'm not ready to be a wife, because I can't tell him everything yet.
"Cristina, there's nothing to be sorry for. We've been crossing lines our entire relationship. We crossed the line between coworkers and friends. We crossed the line between interns and attendings. We crossed the line between single and together. We crossed the line between living together and living apart. We crossed the line between like and love. And there's still lines for us to cross, but this time...this time we'll do it together. One not pushing or pulling, but hand in hand, as one. When we are ready, we'll cross the line...together."