Ch. 2 Comments are welcome.
I couldn't sleep. His mind was on my mind…again. This was getting old and depressing, and I hate him for not saying anything. I didn't really sleep the whole night. At one point I felt so low that I just ignored everything all around me. We planned on leaving around dawn, but even before that, when he didn't turn up, I started crying again, and laid there until noon.
How dare him.
I put my all my energy into proving myself in every aspect he could find something wrong with me and it's not enough. It's never enough.
It seems it would take someone so flawed yet immaculate like Kikyo to get through to him. It used to be jealousy that kept me at bay, back when the mysteries always seemed solvable and our own self confidence was bigger than the sky itself. But like he said: it's been a long time coming, and the focal point that once drove our will power is disappearing.
My focal point, no matter how I look at it, was InuYasha the whole time. Everything else I worked so hard to fight for in that world was to some how please him and maintain whatever image he had of me. But sometimes it didn't work, sometimes I had to understand that some people just couldn't be satisfied. For me especially, maintaining my image was difficult; InuYasha always had Kikyo to compare me to. At one point we seemed to fight constantly over the dumbest things. But I rather that over the silent treatment like the one he gave me last night.
I learned a lot of lessons in the feudal era over the time I've been here. Every predicament in which I had caused more trouble trying to do more than what was needed made me stronger in many ways. I learned that not ever body can be trusted, that not everything is what it seems, and most importantly; not everything can be resolved with a simple wish.
I realized that the most when we lost the Shikon no Tama. We finally had it to its entirety, and I let it slip, literally. InuYasha trusted me, they all trusted me, and I let them down. I was devastated and I promised that I would never come back to interfere and make a nuisance of myself. I went home for good that day, thinking how angry everyone must be because I let years of endless searching go to waste.
But the actual truth was that I couldn't possibly face InuYasha. His fight for the jewel began years before I was in the picture. It shattered the first time because of me. The guilt bothered me for a time, but he convinced me that it wasn't my fault and that he couldn't have expected me to shoot an arrow like Kikyo could on my first try. He's had a way with words since then.
So I forgot about it. Anything that transpired in regards to my mistakes was erased. If I hadn't have broken it, things would be different now and I might have never known him. But nothing could have dramatized me more than the moment the jewel fell from my hands, out of my reach. The world went silent and I knew what the falling jewel meant.
It meant the end of relationships I'd made with many allies, people who were kind to me and fought for the same cause. It was the beginning of another search, more battles, more enemies, more deaths.
It was the end of the beginning all together.
The situation, from, every angle seemed hopeless and I knew I couldn't go back, not after I had done something so unforgivable. I ran from the battle field, not knowing exactly where I was going, or how far it was to the well, but it didn't stop me. I ran in blind despair, crying the whole time, thinking how ashamed everyone must be of me, thinking for sure that things would be better if I left and never came back...if I hadn't ever been there in the first place.
It seemed I had been running forever until exhaustion and exasperation won out and I collapsed right there in the middle of the forest, feeling hopeless and wanting to be dead. I really don't know how long I was asleep there, but when I woke up, like the foolish idiot I am, I expected things to be different. I expected InuYasha to be up in a tree somewhere and Sango, Miroku, Shippo and Kirara close by.
But as the morning waned the terrible truth brought me back into reality: the jewel was once again missing because of me. So I walked….and walked….and walked and kept on walking until I found myself in familiar territory. I looked a complete mess; my clothes were soiled through, my eyes felt swollen, my hair was disheveled, but I was beyond caring. There was nothing to turn back to, no one would be looking for me, there's was no way I could single handedly fix what I did. I had to push everything behind and leave for good.
Sealing the well wasn't an option. I didn't know how and didn't even try to cover it, my guilt over- powered my longing to return there. I wallowed in my sorrow for about three days when I met with someone I thought I'd never see again.
It was my second day back at school. I was too depressed to go the first day I returned so mother let me stay home, no questions asked, thank god. If I ever explained to her what happened, she'd see how pointless this whole thing was and it would be too much to expect her to support me this time. My most important school years went to waste and I couldn't catch up with my graduating class. I never felt so good for nothing in my life.
When I was in the feudal era I convinced myself that the cause was worth my education. And it didn't help that everyone built my ego by making it seem my 'technology' was so far advanced. In thruth, it was;namelyfive hundred years before their time.In the present I wasn't fooling anyone, I was just as average as any other human being and was failing the better of all my classes. But Kagome always follows through right? I never dreamed I would have to repeat a year. Yet another thing to add to my frustration.
I'd gotten the news that day and came home just to go straight to my bed, the weight of two more years of school I should have already been through was crashing down on me. I was too depressed to do anything but lie there. I couldn't help but wonder what everyone back then is doing now, if they're loathing me for losing the jewel, if they're trying to search for it again. And if they're glad I'm gone. But it's only fair; if I were anyone of them, I'd be just as disappointed in me.
My thoughts were interrupted when a rap on my window rang in my ears. But I was waist deep in my reflections and didn't hear it the first time. The second time I ignored it, passing it off as some far off object whimsically batting my window. I guess by the third time, who ever was out there wouldn't take no for an answer.
The sliding door was locked shut, but not anymore. It was pulled off its track and limply laid there in its holding while InuYasha stepped in.
"Did you not hear me?" he says calmly. "I know you're awake."
I was turned over on my side, my eyes fighting unwanted tears and my breath lodged in my throat. I had nothing to say for myself. Nothing at all, so I just laid there taking the chance that he might get angry. But he didn't.
"Kagome. I looked everywhere for you, we all looked for you…just to find that you were here the whole time…"
I curled into a ball and tried to make him go away, tried to drown out his words like a child unwilling to face their faults, but he kept talking and kept bringing the guilt back.
"What are you so afraid of?" he asked. His voice was small…too small. I was afraid, but not for the reasons he was thinking. I feared having to confront him about what I did, because there was nothing left for me to say except to apologize.
"Kagome…I'm not going to hurt you or anything." He says. But when I didn't respond, in some movement I had missed he was at my bedside and forcibly turns me over to find tears in my eyes.
"InuYasha please" I pleaded.
His gaze softens, but he should be angry, I would rather him be angry than to feel bad for me after what I caused.
"What's wrong Kagome?" he says but it goes in one ear and out of the other. I sit up and run my hands through my hair, but I don't look at him, I can't look to him.
"Listen Kago-"
"I'm sorry InuYasha."
"What?"
"I'm sorry" As much as he hates apologizing, he has to make it difficult for me.
"Keh. For what?" I look at him incredulously. I'm suffering so much anguish over the very thing we both witnessed, but he can't seem to understand why.
"InuYasha…I have everything to be sorry for."
"No you don't, you didn't do anything." He says, expressing some levels of amusement.
"Except lose the jewel…" I say flatly. There was a short silence. I had my head in my lap and InuYasha was at a loss.
"Kagome, it wasn't your fault." Every time something unfortunate happens because of me, he tells me its okay and that it isn't my fault, but I know better. I can't keep running from my mistakes, and he can't keep letting me.
"Don't lie to me, you know very well it was my fault, I had it in my hands and it just…dropped into oblivion? And you say it wasn't my fault? It was clearly all my doing."
"Is that why you ran away? That's what's upsetting you?" I don't reply, and I don't have to; my expression answers for me.
"Forget about it, Kagome. If you had it any longer it would have killed you, Naraku cloaked it in dark magic or something."
"There's no excuse, I could have purified it. I screw up more than I actually help, so its better I be here than to-"
"I thought I told you to forget it." He said sternly.
"I can't…if you're willing to die for the jewel the least I could do is hold on to it. Especially when there's a chance Naraku could get it first, I mean-"
"Would you shut up for second!" I was far too busy ranting to see how angry InuYasha was getting, so I willingly did as he asked.
"Stop beating yourself up about it, you did what you could, and I can't ask anymore of you."
I can tell when he actually means something sincerely and it's turning out to be one of those times, but for some reason, what he says does nothing to console me. Even though InuYasha's perception of me seems most important, his reaction wasn't the only one I was afraid of. I knew the others wouldn't be angry, but they'd be disappointed in me by the same token if not worse, and undoubtedly they'll all force themselves into believing the same crap InuYasha does: that I did all I could.
"It's more than that. After years of the same routine, it took me this long to realize how much dead weight I am…it's depressing, because maybe…if I wasn't there…you might've had the jewel already."
InuYasha's staring me down and making me nervous, the last thing I want to do is make him angry again.
Then he sighs in frustration. It would be so easy for him to just leave me behind, but he's not…he's fighting me over something we both know is true.
"Kagome…come back with me." He says firmly.
"What!...no…I can't."
"Screw it. Come back with me."
The rest is history. Pun intended. I left right then and there, not even a note to my family. InuYasha made me feel needed and by the life of me, I could never ignore when InuYasha says he needs me, however inadvertent it was. There really is no point in staying in the feudal era if I wasn't needed, yet he doesn't always give me that impression. But as long as it's been, practical reasons for arguing seem to run short.
And it's clear to everyone but the both of us.
I would give anything to just lay here and think for the rest of the day, it would be therapeutic to my dignity, which InuYasha did a good job of assaulting last night. But my thoughts are interrupted when Sango slides open the shoji doors.
"Kagome? Are you alright? Do you feel sick?" she whispers. It would be so easy to humor her and claim that I did feel sick, because it was true…to some degree anyways.
"No, no, I'm fine. Sorry for not waking up earlier." I apologized. After all, I knew very well that we'd plan to leave at dawn, but I purposely over-slept simply because I didn't feel like waking up.
"Its fine, it was really InuYasha who wanted to begin traveling at dawn, but surprisingly, he didn't want us to wake you." She said. This was a little daunting to hear. His motive could have been anything: he could have empathized for me having helped me stay up, or he didn't want to see me yet. Which is understandable; a part of me is still looking for a response from him, but I know better. He'll want me to let this die, and forget the entire conversation. Call me fickle, but out of sheer embarrassment, that's what I intend to do. "He's being unusually gracious this morning, I suggest you get up before Shippo does." She added.
It was nice to hear from Sango that he was in a good mood, because I knew she meant it. I'd learned to take most anything Miroku says as an underlying double standard, but for some strange reason, I still trust him.
But InuYasha's good mood could definitely turn foul the minute he sees me. Only he and I know what went on last night and that's the way it's going to stay.
Sango retreated to give me more privacy and after a good five minutes of plotting a fake sickness, I thought better of it, and made myself presentable before going outside.
The screened doors blocked out a great deal of sunlight, so when I opened them it felt as if my retinas were on fire. It took longer than usual for my eyes to adjust. To my surprise, I really didn't see anyone. Sango had gone wherever she came from, and there wasn't a soul left in the corridor. It only makes sense that everyone would be on the main grounds; that's where the food was, and that's where I was headed before someone grabbed my arm and pulls me back.
"We're going out the back way…" he affirmed. I was far too alarmed to do anything but nod and follow. It had been literally seconds between the time I visually declared no one was here and the moment I started for the grounds. Not a shred of expectation in me was expecting him right now. I would have asked why, but my breath was still lodged in my throat.
"InuYasha…are you feeling okay?" I said as I half ran to keep up with him and the tugging on my arm.
"I should be asking you that; it's late for you to just be getting up." he says, heading out into the burning sunlight.
"Ok….but dawn? Thismay belatebut that's too early." I say incredulously. One thing I don't like about InuYasha is his sleeping habits. I'm really not concerned one way or the other until his erratic sleeping patterns start to disrupt mine, and it usually does.
InuYasha sighs and then turns to me, stooping closer to my ear.
"Do you have money to pay these people? Because I don't, none of us do." He whispers. I'm lost. I never gave much though as to where I was going to sleep and how I would go about it until now.
"But I thought Miroku took care of that…" I said loudly as InuYasha continued to practically drag me around the inn.
"That's another problem" he said quickly. "Our status, regardless of what we do to help them, still doesn't give us free reign, if you catch my drift."
I had a chance to breathe as he opened a solitary door with a lift of a latch and a shove of his shoulder.
"I don't actually" I said blankly. He looks at me sharply.
"The mistresses were perfectly fine with letting us stay the night and get the hell out of here by morning, but the headmaster has other plans….he wants a consolation prize."
"A prize? But he didn't do anything…and we don't have anything prize-like to give him…" I say, sifting through memories of yesterday and finding nothing in regards to any difficulty in lodging.
"That's what I said. And rather than just leave, idiot monk tried to talk him down. Apparently, you and Sango were still asleep so neither of us felt like waking you at the time." he says. My brows furrowed in complete confusion.
"So they came to an agreement?"
"Not quite…that's why we're running."
"Wait…when did this all happen?" I asked. He looks skyward over his shoulder, to the left, searching for something and completely ignoring my question. His eyes turned to slits as he found what he was looking for.
"Get on. Now!" he demands and he leans down for me to ride his back. We were gone in seconds; the forest nearly swallowing us whole as we escaped the inn. My eyes felt better now; the thick canopy nearly shielded the sun completely.
"But InuYasha! What are we running from?" I shouted over the wind that rushed past us.
"Henchman. The stupid fuck just won't take no for an answer." He says grinding his teeth. Even though nothing InuYasha was telling me was hard to understand, I still couldn't get the whole picture.
"What could he possibly want that'll make him send henchman after us?" I asked loudly. This kind of thing has happened before and so far people have been pretty lenient. We never had any real problem finding a place to stay when it rained like a typhoon, or when one of us was sick, or if we were conducting some kind of search or investigation…what could possibly make this time any different?
"You…he wants you." He says evenly. I deflated like a balloon against his chest. This was turning out be another moment in history where things go wrong because me: and this time I hadn't done anything.
"By now they've figured out that we're all gone, so he's sending his goons to find us. I can smell them from here." He continues.
"I'm sorry…" I say feebly. InuYasha smirks.
"You didn't do anything ok? You should be asking that conniving son of a bitch for an apology…trying to sell off humans…the bastard." he says more to himself than to me. I take five minutes to absorb this before asking where the others went off too.
"Give it a mile or two. I sent Sango to check on you and they all left shortly afterwards."
"A mile?...or TWO?" I said in a pained tone; my thigh muscles all ready tiring as I clamped them around InuYasha's waist, who was running considerably faster than usual. He laughs at me.
"They're air borne Kagome. I told them to go as far as possible and I'd sniff 'em out later." I groaned.
"If they're on Kirara, that could take forever…"
"Hey, I'm the one doing all the work. Just relax; I stop in a little while."
InuYasha was true to his word as always. Possibly twenty minutes in our run, he stopped and let me down. My legs went slack instantly and literally buckled from under me; InuYasha had to break my fall. I sat against a tree in silence and InuYasha leaned on the same to my left.
"Your stuff is with them…incase you were wondering."
"I assumed it was…" My closed response left no room for conversation; the stillness was nearly tangible. The quietness itself –plus the fact that we were running away from...whoever- made me feel uneasy.
I guess I wasn't the only one.
"I never blamed you for anything you know…"he says for lack of anything better to say I guess. He grabs a leaf inches above his head between his index and middle finger and twiddles it between them before allowing it to blow away in the wind. I know this because I was watching…waiting…thinking for something to say.
"You're too hard on yourself sometimes…"he says. The first response is forgotten and I sit and watch and wait, thinking for a new one.
"Really…so you don't blame me for activating the rosary even?" I knew I was taking a chance. Mere mention of the rosary sometimes causes big black clouds to rain on his parade, and I have to deal with the foul mood swings he gets into.
"Well…" He takes his time before answering. "I like to believe you wouldn't do it if you didn't think I deserved it." I couldn't help but smile slightly. This reaction is a lot more considerate than the times I actually had sat him.
"I admit, I use the word too lightly…I'm sorry for that." He says nothing. He's never been the kind to openly embrace an apology…or thanks for that matter.
"Although, InuYasha…there are some things I just have too accept;…like fault and when I've caused something I can't fix." To my surprise he smirks.
"I'm not gonna hold you accountable for being human, Kagome. If I did, Sango, Miroku…me…we'd all be guilty of it."
"If you're trying to make me feel better, it's not working. They can stand on their own two feet…they've been doing it since before we met them-" I say in spite of myself. But InuYasha's response becomes more urgent.
"Listen to what you're saying. You expect to fall through some old well in the middle of fucking no where and get by like nothing happened? It's hard enough for people who've lived here all their lives!" he asks. I don't answer the clearly obvious question.And I know he's partly referring to himself.I get up and start pacing to clear my head.
"Ok, you're right…but still…being too human should be a crime." He laughs at me and I start to get offended.
"You think too much" he says. Out of anger I let my mouth get the best of me without thinking.
"Really? Because I have a lot of time to just sit and think, while you guys fight battles, and protect the defenseless…namely myself-" I began but couldn't finished when InuYasha comes behind me and clamps his hand on my mouth. My eyes become as wide as dishpans out of blatant shock.
"Shhh…" he whispers. I shut up right then and there, even attempting not to breathe…or blink for that matter, as if that would make a sound.
When InuYasha's hand falls from my mouth, I hesitate before asking. "What is it, InuYasha?"
His eyes squint, and before I realize it, he's tugging me backward by my arm, wary of something my human-ness could not trace.
"I sense something…but I don't know what it is…I don't recognize it…"
And is if I'd be able to find it I turn my gaze to the heavens and started searching. I kept up this pointless pursuit for what seemed forever until InuYasha grows tense behind me.
"Holy Shit…" he whispers, and I wheel around, just to see him trapped in a trance of some kind. His full attention was drawn by something in the distance. I supposed if I didn't see it now, I'd see it soon enough.
Unfortunately…I did.
AN: Please Review. I promise to update as soon as possible.