Author's note: Well, I'm happy with the hits this story is getting, now if only I can get this done by Christmas. This chapter poses the question, what do the NERV employees (other than Gendo and Ritsuko) do in their spare time? And what if Kaworu had a very Stupid clone/brother? Also, expect to see more chaos at the Katsuragi residence AND CROSSOVERS UP THE YING YANG.

Part 3: part time jobs and retarded angels

Shinji wandered through the festive streets of Tokyo-3. Why couldn't anybody be nice to him? He cooked, he cleaned, and he saved the world from giant monsters, so why would nobody cut him a break? It was then he realized that he had forgotten his coat back at the apartment and it was beginning to get cold. Although there had been no snow since Second Impact, the cold winds of winter still came every year, making Shinji even more miserable tonight. He considered heading back, but the idea of having to put up with Asuka's abuse for the rest of the night was'nt very appealing, so he decided to head into the one place that he felt would accept him, the mall.

The Traverse Mall had only recently opened and was one of Shinji's favorite places to go. It had all kinds of shops that catered to all kinds of people. Today it was especially packed, and, as Shinji walked, he saw many interesting faces.

BEGIN COUNTING CROSSOVERS

At the Dunkin Doughnuts, there was a tall man with a red coat, pierced ears, and blond hair that was straight up purchasing a few dozen doughnuts. At the sporting goods store, there was an extremely fat acorn headed boy who was purchasing American football equipment. Next to him was a demonic looking boy who kept goading him on with a machine gun and calling him "damn fatty." In the main corridor of the mall, there were two people, both with large swords arguing.

"I say you stole my look," said a man with short, spiky, jet-black hair with a small streak of white and dressed in black armor.

"I say my look is completely original" said a man with a similar hairstyle (a bit more white though) sunglasses, and a red coat, "besides, my arm is just in a sling, not a prosthetic monstrosity like yours!"

This prompted the two men to start swinging their massive swords, so Shinji quickly hopped into a retail store where two beautiful women, one with blonde hair and one with blue, were looking at jewelry.

"Chikane-chan, are you sure I can pick any necklace I want?" Asked the blond.

"Of course Himeko." Replied the blue haired woman, "I want to give you something for our first Christmas as a couple." She then pulled the blonde-haired woman, Himeko, into a deep embrace and planted a kiss on her lips. "I love you Himeko."

Feeling quite awkward, Shinji moved onto another part of the store. As he walked, he heard an interesting conversation from the candy aisles.

"They have gummy worms, gummy bears, gummi soldiers, and gummi fruit, but I don't see any gummi blocks Goofy."

"Well, garsh Sora, I guess we're stranded!"

Even more weirded out, Shinji continued onto the fabric section, were he noticed the familiar face of the NERV technician, Maya Ibuki.

"Hey Maya!" Shinji called out, "I didn't know you worked here!"

"Hello Shinji!" she replied, "I've been doing this as a part time job to have some extra spending money." Maya explained as a customer came up. "Oh, hello sir, how can I help you today?"

The customer just smiled a big toothy smile that showed off his long canines. He was wearing a long red coat, yellow sunglasses, a very wide red hat, black shirt, black pants, black shoes, and white gloves with strange markings on them. He also had long black hair and red eyes. All in all, he was extremely creepy and sexy at the same time.

After about a minute of just standing there with his big toothy grin, he finally said, "It's a beautiful night, the kind that makes me want to suck blood."

"Is he coming on to me?" Maya thought before asking, "Can I help you sir?"

The very strange man suddenly shook his head like he was coming out of a daze and replied, "sorry about that, my name is Alucard, and I was wondering if my order of red cloth had come in."

"Let's see," said Maya, "oh, here it is, three bolts of blood red cloth for a Mr. Alucard." Maya lifted the large amount of red cloth onto the counter. "So how will you be paying for this?"

As Alucard pulled out a credit card from the pocket of his coat, a voice exclaimed, "So you're the bastard who bought all the cloth!"

Looking behind him, Alucard saw a small, teenage boy, in a torn red coat, black suit, and a blode ponytail. Behind him was a giant man in a suit of armor.

"I'm sure the scraps from when I finish my new wardrobe will be more than enough for you." Said Alucard with a toothy grin.

The little pony tailed boy got extremely angry at the comment and exclaimed, "ARE YOU SAYING I'M SO SHORT THAT I COULD LIVE IN A HOUSE MADE OF THE SCRAPS OF CLOTH YOU HAVE LEFTOVER? I DARE YOU TO COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT, YOU LONGED-TOOTHED FREAK!"

"He didn't say that brother!" Said the giant armored man who was now holding him back.

Alucard started to walk towards the two brothers, when suddenly a large bayonet pierced his chest.

"And the wolf shall walk amongst the sheep, till the shepard knocks him aside, AMEN!!!" Said a smiling blonde, unshaven, glasses wearing, priest who was carrying two huge bayonets.

Alucard smiled, pulled two massive handguns out of his coat, and charged at the priest.

"Um," said Maya, "is someone going to buy this cloth or not?"

"Hello, My name's Vincent, is that fine red cloth for sale?"

Poor Maya. Well, let's see what is going on at the Katsuragi residence.

Asuka sat at the table, quite sad. Maybe Shinji had been pushed too far this time. She then silently prayed, "God, I promise, I will never bully or tease anyone, if you will make Shinji come home." After ten minutes of no knock on the door, she prayed again, saying, "Buddha…"

Meanwhile, in the Men's room of NERV…

Fyutski finished putting on his makeup and lipstick. He then put on the wig and the pink kimono. He admired himself in the mirror, he was looking very feminine. He only hoped that none of the other employees of NERV saw him looking like this. Unfortunately, at that moment, who should appear but Kaji.

"Excuse me miss," said Kaji, "this is the men's room, though the showers can be co-ed if you'd care to join me."

"Kaji, what are you doing here so late?" Fyutski said, "I thought your shift ended hours ago."

Kaji's eyes opened wide. "Professor Fyutski? Umm…this is awkward."

"Kaji, I've told you to not call me Professor, and it's not what you think."

"Sure, sure, I'm…just going to go out and throw up about something completely unrelated to your dressing in drag." Said Kaji as he exited the bathroom.

Fyutski sighed, "Does'nt anyone know how to recognize a Kabuki actor anymore?"

Meanwhile, at the Katsuragi residence…

KNOCK KNOCK

"Hail Satan!" Asuka screamed as she ran to the door. She flung it open and locked her lips against Shinji's. She moaned slightly as the kiss went on and ran her tongue alongside the inside of his mouth. She then pulled Shinji in close, wanting to feel the warmth of his body, and noticed something strange. She had noticed that Shinji seemed to have rather large breasts for a boy.

"Wow, Asuka, I thought you didn't like girls that way!" Misato exclaimed.

Asuka opened her eyes for the first time since she opened the door. What greeted her vision was not her wimpy Shinji, but a very startled and confused Rei. Asuka released Rei immediately and started to retch. Rei, meanwhile, was still standing in the doorway, her amber eyes open as wide as possible, her mouth trying to form coherent words. Misato guided the stunned Rei into the apartment and had her sit down on the couch.

"Where are you Shinji?" Asuka wept.

Meanwhile, a little outside of the mall…

Shinji was hunched over gasping for breath, what the hell were those people? After Alucard and the Priest had started fighting, another man, Vincent, had tried to buy the cloth, but then a man with long silver hair and a huge thin sword (not to mention a snazzy theme song) appeared, which caused him to forget about purchasing the red cloth and instead transform into a terrifying monster! Then, the kid with the blonde ponytail, who introduced himself as Edward Elric, freed himself from his brother and tried to purchase the cloth, but was batted aside by the red robed swordsman from earlier. The swordsman, Auron, then was knocked over by a kid in an orange jumpsuit who kept screaming, "Believe it!" Then, the doughnut loving man from the food court tried to buy the cloth, but Edward backhanded him, causing him to drop the glazed delicacies he had just bought, which made him go berserk and pull out a gun. It was at this point that Shinji decided to drop his mantra of "I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away" and haul ass out of the mall.

But now what was he to do? He still didn't feel like going home, but it was really getting cold. He pondered about what he should do, and decided to walk a bit farther. As he walked on, he saw another familiar face behind the counter of a small store.

"Hey Hyuga!" Shinji cried out as he entered.

"Hey, Shinji! How's it going? Aren't you a little young to be coming here?" Hyuga asked nervously.

"What do you mean Hyuga?" Shinji asked innocently.

"Uh, Shinji, this is a condom store." Said the spectacled NERV technician.

"Huh?" Asked the surprised youth.

"It even says so on the entrance."

Shinji looked at the door, indeed, there was a sign with a dancing condom mascot that said, "CONDOMMANIA, the world's best selection of condoms."

This discovery caused a long period of awkward silence to follow.

Meanwhile, in the basement of SEELE…

"Hey, Kaworu."

"What is it Dingus?"

"When is the tooth fairy coming to hide the eggs?"

"I think you mean, "When is Santa Claus coming to bring the presents?" and to answer your question, he isn't coming as he is merely a fictional character created by the lilim to give their children comfort and to have an excuse to buy things."

"Oh, I hope he brings me a pony."

"Did you not here what I just said? He does NOT EXIST, therefore, he can not give you a pony or give me what I want."

"What do you want?"

"Well, a new violin would be nice, since you smashed my old one against the television when you watched a "A Nightmare on Elm Street. A new tv would be good too, since you broke that as well."

"But the man with the claw was going to hurt the girl!"

"How many times do I have to explain this to you? That whole thing was a fictional story and I doubt smashing my violin against the television would have changed the plot."

"Oh, is there anything else you want for Christmas?"

"Well, more fan-fictions about me that have me coupled with a girl would be nice."

Wait a minute, how does Kaworu know he's in fan-fictions?

"I know everything Cab329."

Okay, this is breaking the fourth wall here.

"Indeed, but at least it's more interesting than your stories, I mean, come on, a Freddy Krueger Crossover? What's up with that? And the one story you've been planning, can anyone say MARY SUE?"

That hurt.

"Not as much as soreness someone gets on their eyes when they see you in public."

That's going too far.

"No, your waistline is the only thing that's going too far."

I'm going to get you. By the way, where did Dingus go?

Kaworu looked around, "hey, where did he go?"

I thought you knew everything.

"Shut up."

Meanwhile, at the Katsuragi residence…

"So you see Rei, Asuka was just upholding a holiday tradition when she kissed you, though normally it's just a quick peck." Explained Misato to the still stunned Rei, "here have a biscuit."

Author's note: that is probably the longest I have written in over a month! But I have to stop writing for a bit. By the way, don't be scared to review, I've gotten like 400 hits and only 2 reviews.

Part 4 trailer:

Who will win the battle for the red cloth?

Who is Hyuga's normal clientele?

Will Asuka get to kiss Shinji?

Where did Dingus go?

What the hell does Dingus look like?

Is Rei scarred for life?

What is Gendo planning?

What does Aoba do in his spare time?

WHO CARES?

FIND OUT IN PART 4

OF SANTA AND CHAW

Coming out: tomorrow! (unless I die, or are made obsolete).