Author's Note: Hooray! Over 500 hits in a mere three days! This is the best Christmas present ever! However, please review! I'm going on my own direction here, so I need to be told what's good, what's bad, and all that. Okay enough bitching. At the end of last chapter, Shinji was in a condom store run by Hyuga, Asuka had kissed Rei by accident, a battle royale was taking place in the store that Maya worked at over some red cloth, and Kaworu and I got into a fight while his stupid brother/clone Dingus ran off. Without further ado, here's part 4.

PART 4: of Santa and Chaw

"So, Shinji," said Hyuga, trying to break up the awkward silence, "why are you in this part of town?"

Shinji shook himself. "Well, Asuka was picking on me, so I decided to take a walk, but I had forgotten my coat and didn't want to go back, so I headed into the Traverse Mall to warm up. But it was filled with all these weirdoes that wanted red cloth, and they started pulling out guns, bayonets, swords, huge ass keys, and other weapons and started to fight it out, so I ran for it and ended up here."

Deciding to disregard the second half of what Shinji said as a fabrication of the fourteen-year-old's warped psyche, Hyuga asked, "Shinji, why do you think Asuka picks on you?"

"I don't know." Replied Shinji.

"It's because she knows you won't fight back, because you have no backbone when it comes to women." Hyuga said.

"That's not true!" Shinji protested, his face getting red.

"Then how come you do all the chores at your house?"

"Because I lost at janken! Wait, how did you know about that?" asked Shinji.

"Misato was bragging about how she had a personal slave who would do anything she asked." Hyuga said matter-of-factly. "By the way, how did you lose to her? She only wins when we tell her what we're going to throw down."

"She said that that was how you played janken! Wait, she actually told everybody that I was her personal slave?" If Shinji had had any doubts about Misato being the worse guardian ever, they were gone now.

"Yeah, she said you would do anything she or Asuka asked, even if it was completely stupid or cruel."

"That's not true!" Shinji protested.

"Okay," replied Hyuga, "by the way, Misato left a message for you." He then handed Shinji a note.

The note read:

Dear Shinji:

Asuka and I are bored and want to be entertained, so strip butt-naked, paint a smiley face on your belly with a magic marker, and run all the way home screaming "I have a small dick, and I'm proud of it!"

Love your caring guardian,

Misato

P.S. If the cops take you in for indecent exposure, I'm not bailing you out or sending section two to get you out, so if you do, just be the bitch of the toughest guy there and the others ought to leave you alone.

P.S.S. If you make it home, Asuka promises to only knee you in the nuts twice for being a pervert.

Shinji immediately started to undress.

"Uh, Shinji? I wrote that note like just one minute ago."

Embarrassed, Shinji put his clothes back on. "Well," Shinji started, "I was just playing along."

"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure." Hyuga said, "But what about all those other times Misato left you notes? Like the time she had you wear your SDAT player in the entry plug and get shocked? Or the time she had you dress up like a dog and bite the head section two agent's leg? Or the time she had you pilot blindfolded during a live munitions test? Or how about the time she had you come to the press conference wearing nothing but your birthday suit? Or how about….

One hour later….

And of course, who can forget the time she made you believe that the only way to get something out of the vending machines was to sing "Stairway to heaven" while grabbing Ritsuko's breasts and patting Maya's fanny? And of course, since the note told you that she wanted a coke, you did it.

"Why are you telling me this?" asked a crying Shinji.

"Well, Shinji, I have a confession to make. Over half of those notes were actually from the NERV staff. Hell, Rei wrote 58 of them."

"Why are they so cruel?" Shinji asked.

"Because Misato said they could, and Rei has a surprising cruel streak."

Suddenly, the phone by Hyuga's desk rang.

"Hello?"

"Godzilla is attacking the city? I'll be right there."

Hyuga then hung up the phone. "Sorry Shinji," he said, "I have to go." As he exited the store, he threw Shinji a package saying, "Merry Christmas."

Shinji looked at the package and read its label, which said: "CANDY CANE STRIPPED AND FLAVORED CONDOMS Extra-small"

Shinji cried as he too went out into the streets.

Meanwhile, at Gendo's office…

Gendo looked at his newly decorated office, wreaths, garter, and tinsel adorned the entire room. In the corner stood a giant Christmas tree, all decked out with glass ornaments and electric lights. Gendo smiled, this year he would get Santa Claus back for all the years he didn't bring him gifts, and if the well-furnished room didn't bring him, the completely innocent Rei-clones sure as hell would, for everyone knows that Santa Claus HAS to give presents to good little children, even if they were created from a giant dough-woman angel, bits of dead wife DNA, and the secret ingredient in Coca-Cola.

"Dr. Akagi, please send five of the clones up to my office dressed in the Victorian style pajamas I ordered." Gendo said over the P.A. system.

Inside the Clone tank room…

"Shit!" exclaimed Ritsuko, "only four of the clones survived exposure to the eggnog, where the hell am I going to get a fifth?"

Quickly, the doctor went to the clone making part of the room and found there was enough material to make one more clone. Well, almost enough, they had run out of X-17, the secret ingredient of Coca-Cola. She looked all around the room for something to use as a replacement, but the only thing she could find was a can of Jolt Cola. Not seeing any other option, the flustered doctor poured the can's contents into the machine, and pushed the "make a clone button."

Meanwhile, at the Katsuragi Residence…

"Damn!" exclaimed Misato, "so close!"

What Misato had yelled about was the fact that the pea she had thrown had missed Rei's mouth and had smacked her amber eyes instead. Since Asuka had locked herself in her room and was crying, Misato had only the still-stunned-with-her-mouth-open Rei, so she had been playing "try and throw a pea in Rei's mouth."

"Damn! Missed again!"

Misato, please stop throwing peas at Rei.

"Quiet disembodied voice that wants my drumstick!" Yelled Misato, "you're making me miss! Damn! So close!"

You do know that these children are probably going to be screwed up for the rest of their lives, right?"

"Don't know, Don't care."

I'm going to get you if you don't stop.

"Bring it!"

Well maybe I-

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"SHINJI!" Yelled Asuka as she burst out of her room and ran to the door. She was extremely elated, third time was the charm after all! She pulled the door open and gave a deep kiss to her secret love. Unfortunately, the mouth of the other party spat a small ball of a very bad tasting substance into her mouth. She then turned around and spat the object on the floor, revealing it to be…

"OH MY GOD, CHAW?" thought Asuka. Indeed, what Asuka had spat upon the floor was a ball of chewing tobacco; Skoal brand to be specific, but Shinji didn't chew, so whose Skoal was…

"Asuka, how could you?" said a tearful Hikari, "I thought we were friends! How could you kiss Suzuhara?"

And standing in the doorway was a shaking and stammering Toji, who was saying, "Started chewing, more m-mature, h-h-hh-hh"

WHAM!

Out of shock, and a blow to the back of the head, courtesy of Hikari, Toji hit the floor harder than a bag of bricks.

Having come to the realization that she had held the chewed up Skoal of Toji in her mouth, Asuka proceeded to vomit.

Author's note: Okay, I know I didn't do everything I said I would in this chapter, but I'm tired, and I didn't have much time to type today. Still, I promise to answer all the questions I didn't answer, plus a few more, like, what will the Rei who was made with Jolt look like? Happy Christmas Eve everyone!

Next up: of Dingus and Godzilla!

PLEASE REVIEW!