Author's note: Wow, I'm really surprised, the number of hits on this story has gone way up! Okay, enough bragging. I need to get at least two more pieces up to finish this story, and I need it done by tonight (so I'm not writing a Christmas fic after Christmas, it's a personal challenge for me). Anyway, please review! And now…

PART 5: of Dingus and Godzilla

Inside a war torn retail store…

The battle for the red cloth had ended. It's victor stood up to his full four feet of height. He dragged himself through the piles of bodies and destroyed displays to reach the fabric counter, the only thing that still stood in the store. His auto-mail arm was in pieces, his brother was shattered, but none of that mattered now, the red cloth would be his. He could have Winry make him a new arm, and then he could fix his brother, but all that mattered now was that he got the red cloth so he could fix his cloak. Thus, Edward Elric, who had survived all the giant summons, big guns, swords, bayonets, spells, keys, shields, and angel arms, raised himself up and spoke to the girl behind the counter of the fabric area.

"So, how much is the cloth anyway?" Edward asked.

"Who said that?" asked Maya. After scanning the store unsuccessfully for five minutes, Maya looked down and saw the worn out pony-tailed midget. "Oh! I didn't see you down there."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT YOU…you know what? I don't care. May I have the cloth?" Edward said.

"I'm sorry sir, but a big albino came in here and took the cloth ten minutes ago. Anyway, It's closing time, so you'll just have to wait for us to restock." Maya explained, "have a merry Christmas!"

Ed, and whoever was able to move after the battle, collapsed and started writhing in agony. Maya stepped over the bodies and headed out, humming "jingle bells."

Meanwhile…on a Tokyo 3 street….

Dingus admired his new red suit. Keele had always looked upon him as a failed product, but had to admit that his super speed sewing was a sight to behold. Dingus smiled as he thought of how happy the woman in the fabric section had been when he had taken the cloth, in fact, she had been very eager to get it off of her hands.

Dingus stopped in front of a mirror store and admired himself. He was very much like his brother/original, Kaworu, just about a foot taller, kind of plump, messed up teeth (from when Keele threw him in a pit of mad donkeys), a blue glass eye (don't ask, I would have to raise the rating, and it would give you nightmares), a long scar on his right cheek (Keele took him to the zoo to play with the tigers), and dyed black hair. Okay, he really didn't look anything like Kaworu, other than the pale skin.

"Hmmm," he thought, "where am I?"

Oh, and in case you haven't figured it out, he was not the sharpest tool in the shed. Of course a very inebriated Keele, who had mixed in some very odd ingredients, had cloned him. The result had been a idiot clone who could neither hold the soul of Adam or pilot one of the massed produced evas, in other words, a complete dud, who's only talents were super fast sewing, being able to crawl around in chimneys, and being VERY hard for Keele to kill.

"Let's see," thought Dingus, "I came to do something." He pondered on the topic for 20 minutes, then thought, "I remember! Kaworu wanted-hey! What's that?" He said as he saw what looked like a well in the distance.

"I wonder where it goes?" he thought as he jumped down it and fell for over 200 meters.

Meanwhile, in Gendo's office…

The trap was set. The poisoned cookies and milk were on his desk, the room was brightly decorated in the Christmas manner, and the clones were asleep under the Christmas trees, well, except for one, who just wouldn't shut up.

"Hey poppa Gendo! Read me a story! Is Santa really coming? What will I get? Do you think he'll get me a teddy bear? Oh, I really like teddy bears! I especially like the really big ones, but not so big that they could crush me. Oh! Are those cookies? Can I have one? Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh?" The clone asked.

Gendo sighed, Ritsuko had said that there was nothing wrong with the clones, but this one was greatly upsetting him. For one thing, she didn't look that much like the other clones. Although she had pale skin and red eyes, she had bright pink hair, big ears, and a permanent smile.

"So can I have a cookie?" asked the energetic clone.

"No," said Gendo, "the cookies are for Santa, who will be coming down that chimney any minute."

Gendo pointed to the fireplace on the right wall of the office. True, constructing a chimney that went all the way from his office to the surface had cost quite a bit, enough to bankrupt a small country, but everything had to be perfect for Santa.

"Is he here yet?"

"No."

"Is he here yet?"

"No."

"Is he here yet?"

"No."

"Is he here yet?"

"No!"

"Is he here yet?"

"NO!" Gendo screamed, "He's not here yet!"

"Can I have a cookie?"

"Sure." Gendo said. Hell, what did it matter if he killed another clone? He usually went clone hunting every Sunday, so one more wouldn't hurt.

The clone picked up a cookie and was about to bite into it, when all of a sudden; something large that was dressed in red hit the bottom of the fireplace.

Meanwhile…on the surface of Tokyo 3…

Shinji was very sad, cold, and lonely. He was wishing he had just stayed home. Tonight wasn't going any better than today, and he just wanted to go back to the place where he was at least tolerated and go to sleep. He walked a bit farther, and realized something. He was lost. None of the buildings looked familiar, and it was very dark. Shinji saw a bank with its lights still on though, so he decided to see if someone there would help him.

As he reached the bank, Shinji saw a man wearing a ski mask and black clothes, carrying a blue duffle bag run out of it, waving a gun. The man pulled his ski mask off revealing a young man that Shinji knew very well.

"Hey Aoba!" Shinji cried out, "What are you doing here?"

"Shinji, is that you?" Aoba asked, "This isn't what it looks like! I was just making a withdrawal and they gave me the gun, black clothes, ski mask, and duffel bag filled with stacks of 10000-yen bills as gifts for being the 100th customer! Why are you out here anyway?"

"Well, Asuka was picking on me, so I took a walk, but now I'm lost and I don't know how to get back home."

Sirens sounded in the distance.

Aoba started sweating and said, "Shinji, how about I drive you back to your place? It wouldn't be out of my way, and it would make up for that time I left you a note that said that you were supposed to test out the effects of peeing in the LCL."

"THAT WAS YOU?" Shinji exclaimed. He couldn't believe that there were so many people who played pranks on him. Still, he did need a ride home. "Sure."

So Shinji and Aoba got in a van with tinted windows and no plates, and started driving towards his apartment. Shinji had to admit that Aoba was a better driver than Misato, as he was only going 80 kilometers per hour over the speed limit. The drive was going smoothly, until they got to the downtown area, and saw a hello kitty mascot dancing on the street.

"HELLO KITTY? I HATE HELLO KITTY!" Growled Aoba, "Shinji, grab the wheel!" And with that, Aoba picked up his gun and fired at the dancing mascot, wounding it in the shoulder and right leg. "YEAH!" Aoba yelled before grabbing the wheel back from a startled Shinji, "Take that you damn cat!"

Meanwhile…back at the Katsuragi apartment…

"And so you see, Asuka has been declared a nymphomaniac by NERV's psychologist, and that's why she kissed Toji!" Misato explained, "you should have seen what she was doing with Rei before you got here!" Misato continued, pointing to Rei, whose mouth was still hanging wide open.

"I had no idea! And I thought Asuka was normal, I'll be sure to tell everyone at school." Hikari said.

"IT'S ALL LIES HIKARI! DON'T LISTEN TO HER!" Screamed Asuka. "She's just trying to make my life a living hell! You're my friend, you know I would never lie to you!" Well, at least she would have yelled that, had Misato not gagged her and tied her to a chair, so it really came out as, "MMMMMMMMMMFMFMFMFMFMFMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFFMFMFMMFMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM."

"Who wants some chicken?" Asked Misato, "Pen-Pen, come get your drumstick!"

The hot spring loving penguin jumped out of his refrigerator and hurried to Misato's side, where he was given a chicken leg, which he quickly devoured.

Oh my god Misato, this whole scene is wrong on so many levels. Untie Asuka and stop feeding Pen-Pen chicken!

"Quiet, disembodied voice!"

Meanwhile, at the shore of Tokyo 3

Godzilla sent a fiery beam of destruction that ripped through all the missile turrets that had been firing upon it, it walked straight through the power lines and smashed tanks with it's huge feet.

The Mayor looked at the monster in horror. Where was Hyuga? Maybe he should of just called NERV to deal with Godzilla, true, he wasn't an angel, but they needed fire power that the JSSDF just didn't have. Suddenly, the sound of a helicopter was heard overhead.

Hyuga had finally arrived! Attached to the helicopter by a carrying strap was the one thing that would make Godzilla stop. A box of monster-sized condoms! Godzilla stopped and took the box of condoms and then deposited a large pile of gold on the carrying strap. Godzilla then turned around and headed back, condoms in hand, into the sea.

As Hyuga piloted his helicopter back, his cell phone went off. He picked it up and answered.

"Hello?"

"Ah, Mr. Hawking, how are you?"

"Yes, we do have Salmon flavored condoms."

"I can have them over there in about five minutes."

"You and Aisha have a good time, hear?"

Meanwhile, in the Tokyo 3 hospital…

"Okay, what do we got?"

"Patient was shot twice, injuries sustained in the left shoulder and right leg."

Kaji moaned in pain as he was wheeled into the operating room. "That's the last time I take a job as a mascot."

Author's note: Well, I'm happy with how this chapter turned out. Only problem is that there's still a lot to go, and today is Christmas. I might be a little late with finishing this, oh well. Please review!

Next up: Part 6: Of payback and kissing

When? Today, hopefully.