Disclaimer: I don't own CCS… I wish I could… but…..
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A Monthsary to Remember…
December 29th, 2006
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I was so much certain that I could move on away from this…this tragedy. But as the days pass, I began to feel so…so unsure of this decision…I started to ask questions about this decision of letting him go, then before I knew it, I was looking at the calendar, eyeing at the number 29th of December mist hurting y eyes thus, pricking tears which fell from my face… these weeks I've pushed myself in doing things which, according to my Auntie, could help me move on in a breeze. I was reintroduced to some guys which I've left before I met him and my parents, though unknowing, didn't seem to mind me leaving the house often. It was probably mom's intuition. (Smile) Anyway, it really didn't turn out well with those guys; I feel all kinds of stupid being with jerks. So I then turned to my partner in crime…he's a guy I call Lain. Lainhel, used to be the guy I had a crush on back at third year, I didn't think he'd have done the inviting-me-to-the-mall thingy if he didn't detect a fault with his partner. But well, I have to admit, although he seemed to be so—unstable, heck, in a sense, he's a very benevolent man you could count on at times of trouble. So anyway, we went to the movies, stood watching the sunset, talked while drinking iced tea until landing the conversation to our past loves. I knew he was starring down at me when I looked at the red kite flying free in the skies and he must have done something that made me tell him that, before I met Shinei, it was him I fell in love with. Then again, I said in the exact, same way… "But then again, as always, it was an unrequited love…" He was silent, probably thinking of some ways to alter or deeply dug conversation hole but in vain, I think, so he ended up telling me about the girl he used to love…When we stood, looking at the sunset…I felt something stab my heart…the I realized, that it may look like the painting that I have received from Shinei last July 7th 2006… then I remember what he told me that day… it feels so warm to be reading and reminiscing despite the pain…Then again…I realized…the whole day I've spent with Lain there at the Mall, all I blurted out was Shin, Shinei, Shun…whatever name he possesses….it didn't matter who or what he was called…all I knew was… it was always him, and only him….
But then, it didn't matter what happened there at the mall with Lain. Right now, I stood dumbly in front of the wall calendar sighing to myself, at the red felt mark on the number 29th, on the column Friday... This is the day when I first listened to one song for the whole day. Just…just that song I happened to be listening to when he first told me that he loves me…Just to that song "Unbelievable" by Craig David…And nothing else. Just when I strived to be living this life normally, I get hit by that stupid—hateful song…that song which still captures my ears despite the memory. It'll be okay if I'd stop listening to that song for once…but I can't. Have I been turned into a lunatic? I don't know what's wrong with this mind, this heart, or this slender body! I hate myself for being like this yet WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP THINKING OF HIM AND MOVE ON?! To move on. What a thing to do. Everyone tells me that, every single person tells me that. Didn't they know it is not that easy? Call me stupid, lunatic, crazy, Fine! I don't really know what was wrong when I fell for him that way, even thought we only communicate through mails, through chat…even if I still remain too obscure to who he really is! I feel so used, so stupid for falling for him…But I do love him despite those hateful, truthful facts! That's why I can't accept I'd let him go, that's why I remain so stuck up, so fed up…no wait, my older bro said that's not the term t0 use, unsure. Yeah, that's the term…So unsure of myself, so stupid to get a view of my own life and move on! I was so into this dilemma and I couldn't get out…
So then I stood, looking at the calendar marked with a red on the 29th, feeling so regretful about what I did, but nonetheless, happy I'd set this soul free, even though I know deep within that unrequited love, loneliness and emptiness won over and dominated my broken life. How else could it get worse? Easy, if I find someone to love again and was thrown away pathetically like before. True enough; the weakest creature living in this world is a woman, in love. So I stood looking at this calendar, stupidly, dumbly, but smiling as tears run down. I still love him after all. That's why no matter how I wanted to tear that page apart, I couldn't; because the memories of his love was the chain that kept me hanging on for the longest time in my life. What an empty monthsary worth remembering… and to think that after two days, I'll be facing a new year, and hopefully, a new life strived without him.
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: What do you think? Should she continue? Reviews please!!