Under the Skin

by gategeeks

An accident with Ancient technology puts Beckett and McKay a little closer in touch with the Ancients than they originally anticipated, but will they survive the encounter? Told from Rodney and Carson's POV. Gen fic cowritten by SGC Gategirl & Girrlkitty

2. Chapter 2

Under the Skin – Chapter 2

Waking with a start, his eyes snapped open, his heart beating solidly in his chest.

He wasn't dead?

Glancing around the room, he recognized where he was, but not all the equipment surrounding him. Most of it was strange, primitive, alien. Two people were near the bed, both turned away.

Trying to roll over, his discovered his buttock was strangely sore and his hands and legs were fastened to the bed he was lying upon. Giving the restraint a light tug, he realized it was secure.

His movement must have alerted someone because a moment later a very hairy man was hovering over him.

"McKay."

He narrowed his eyes, asking the first and more important question that came to mind. "What happened?"

"You and Beckett went nuts."

That wasn't the answer he was looking for. Glancing away, he absently gripped the railing of the bed. "Why am I in here?"

"You asked to be alone. So we put you here."

"I did?" His eyes were fixed on the device in the corner, surprised to see it completely inactive. "Why is the isolation unit not on?"

The hairy man's eyebrow rose and he answered the first question, ignoring his second. "You just wanted a private suite."

He turned back to the man beside the bed, noticing another woman behind him. "You're not the doctor."

The woman stepped forward, making it easier for him to see her without straining his neck. "I'm Doctor Biro, with Doctor Beckett also incapacitated, I'm in charge of the infirmary." She grabbed his wrist tightly, obviously taking his pulse.

He wanted to pull his hand back, but couldn't. He frowned instead. "Who are you?"

She shot him a look filled with both annoyance and pity. "As I said, I'm Doctor Biro. I'm treating you. In fact, Doctor Beckett has asked me to take over all of your care, per your request as I understand it." She raised an eyebrow at him and released his wrist, making a few notes in a chart at the end of the bed.

"But what happened to Doctor Carna?"

At his question, both of her eyebrows shot up. "Excuse me, who? There is no one on the expedition by that name."

"Of course, there is," he huffed, not liking this conversation at all. "She's Janus' wife. I'm sure you know her if you are actually a doctor—which I have severe doubts about currently."

An uneasy look passed across her features. "Ronon, would you mind getting Doctor Weir and Colonel Sheppard?" Getting a nod, she turned her attention back to him. "Doctor McKay, can you tell me what you last remember happening?"

"Excuse me?"

"What is the last thing you remember?"

He huffed, shaking his head. "If you must know, I was working in my lab."

"Which lab do you remember working in?"

He sighed again, wishing this woman would go away. Maybe if he could convince Atlantis there was an emergency somewhere else… He thought for a moment, trying to concentrate, but just as he expected, the isolation room was still kept separate from the main Atlantis systems. "My lab."

Another uneasy look passed across her face. "And before that?"

"Why do you require this information? And," he said, glaring at her, "I don't appreciate your tone of voice or these inane inquiries."

Her own eyes narrowed. "If you have any desire to leave this room any time soon, or even have the restraints removed, I'm afraid you are going to have to answer all my questions, Doctor McKay."

He glanced around again, confusion on his face. "Why do you insist on calling me that…name?"

Her face lost all expression. "That is your name. Doctor Rodney McKay, chief science officer for the Atlantis expedition."

"Expedition? What expedition?" His voice began to rise as he tugged harder at his bonds. "Nigel has been running the science divisions of Atlantis since the last attack when Sidra was killed. Who is this McKay?"

"Rodney." Her voice was quiet, concerned. "You are Rodney McKay. You just returned for a mission to rescue your teammate, Ronon Dex, from the Wraith, who had re-captured him and turned him back into a Runner. Along with managing the science department, you are on Colonel John Sheppard's off-world team. On the way back to Atlantis on the Daedalus, you collapsed and have been having psychotic fits."

"Nononononono," he said, shaking his head, his breath starting to come fast and hard. He pushed the words out even as his body began to shake. "I was working off-world, on Doranda, where my lab is. Talk to Nigel. He'll know me."

She placed a hand lightly on his arm. "Take deep breaths. Doranda was destroyed several months ago when you and Colonel Sheppard couldn't get the weapon to work. There is no one here named Nigel. The only name I recognized was Janus, and only because we know he was the Ancient who rigged the failsafe to allow Atlantis to rise from the ocean when we arrived."

"But Atlantis has not fallen to the Wraith. Nonononono. It couldn't have. We're almost there. We're going to win. We have to," his eyes widened. He could hear the shuffle of clothing and feet hear the entrance to the room, but he ignored it, fixing his attention on the woman before him. "I have to get back to work. Let me go. It's imperative that I finish."

She looked momentarily confused. "No, Atlantis has not fallen to the Wraith. You and Doctor Zelenka managed to rig the shield to act as a cloak when they attacked, making them think the city was destroyed." She looked back at the people who had walked in, then back to him.

His eyes widened at her words. "You can't do that. It was never designed for that."

"Yes," she drew the word out. "You said at the time that it could not be sustained for long. Which is why we used the nuclear weapon to make them believe we had destroyed the city. You, yourself, told us we could sustain it as a cloak for five minutes before the drain on the ZPM would become critical."

"Nuclear? Why would I use such a primitive device to do this thing that you say?" He shook his head, his eyes finally sliding to those who'd entered, widening when he recognized one of them. "You. How? Janus said…"

Something was wrong. He could feel his body shaking, harder now, his heart pounding in his chest. Nononononono. This couldn't be real. This couldn't be happening.

"Rodney" The woman walked over to the bed. She put a hand on his other arm. "Calm down, Rodney. It's okay, you are safe in Atlantis."

"Durand!" He finally managed to say, the room spinning around him. "My name's Durand."

He could hear them yelling at him, but it was too much and he finally slumped against the bed, their voices chasing him into darkness.

xxx

Carson woke up to a darkened, quiet room. He tried to pull his arm up to scratch his face, only to find he couldn't. Looking down, he felt panic begin to rise when he saw the restraints. He jumped when a cool hand touched his forehead.

"Doctor Beckett? It's Anne. We had to restrain you as a precaution."

"Precaution? Against what?" He tugged at the bonds, knowing even as he did that there was no way he would get out of them unless someone let him out.

"You had an attack similar to Doctor McKay's." Her look was soft, concerned. "Doctor Biro and Colonel Sheppard thought it would be best to bring you here and restrain you, just in case." The hand left his forehead and she moved to the door. "It's late evening, so try to get some sleep."

Another rustle and he turned his head the other direction. Only to be caught in Rodney McKay's gaze. "Rodney? How are you feeling lad?"

He blinked at him a few times before replying. "Is there an epidemic?"

Carson felt his head furrow at the question. He was a little fuzzy as to what had happened. Although not very eloquent, the best he could do was, "What?"

Rodney tried to gesture with his hand, but bring similarly restrained it didn't get very far. "You. Me. Are there others too? Are the rest of the isolation rooms already full that they had to put you in here?"

"Noooo." He drew the word out, trying to remember what had happened. "You...collapsed. We brought you here and you asked to be isolated. I...they say I have the same thing, similar symptoms. But..."

It wasn't a virus. It was—

"Device. There was a device involved." His stomach clenched at the thought, but it was all coming back to him.

Rodney's reply was instant. Sharp. Hard. "What do know about it?"

The question made sweat bead on Carson's forehead, his hands starting to shake again. "I...can we talk about something else?"

"I have to know. What do you know? How did you find out?"

"Please!" He curled around himself as much as he could in the restraints. He couldn't talk about it! The panic, it was coming back. "Please don't!" He sobbed.

Rodney was insistent, his words edged with his own panic. "You can't know. You shouldn't know. No one does."

Carson whimpered. He tried to suck in a breath, to force the panic back. "Rodney, what's happening to us? What's happening?" He heard the note of desperation in his own voice and couldn't stop it.

"You can't know! I have to get out of here. Have to—" His words cut off.

"Rodney..." Carson trailed off. "What is it?" He managed to say it quietly. "What is it supposed to do? Why is it doing this to us?"

A strangled moan was his only response.

Carson closed his eyes, fighting to somehow regain control, even as he heard feet rushing in, people talking. He kept them squeezed tightly shut, even as his vitals were checked, the sound of Rodney's moaning and the calm voices of the nurses more than he could process.

xxx

Even before he was fully awake and aware, Durand knew he was drugged. His limbs, while still strapped to the bed, were heavy. His body ached, every muscle sore but feeling as it they were wrapped with cloth. His mind was much slower than he was accustomed to, every thought dragged to the surface with considerable effort.

What was happening? What was wrong with him?

He could hear movement all around him: the shuffling of feet, and soft swish of fabric-covered limbs and bodies. Several subdued voices argued at the far end of the room, while the soft, regular breathing of his fellow patient indicated that he, at least, was slumbering.

Managing to roll his head to the side, he forced his eyes to open. Even though the light was low, his eyes began to tear. Blinking rapidly, willing his eyes to adjust he focused on the man lying on the bed beside him.

He should know him, but yet, he was completely unfamiliar—as was everyone else he'd since encountered. Except for her.

He remembered reading Janus' report the other day, speaking of a woman who had arrived suddenly, claiming to be from the future. Was that even possible? Janus insisted it was, but he was one among many.

Another woman approached with a small smile on her face. "How are you feeling?"

His eyes drifted away from her face down to where her fingers grasped his wrist, her touch firm and sure. Much like Carna's.

He must have been silent too long, because her smile quickly turned to a frown. "You're…" he began, trying to drag the memory to the surface. She had told him her name. "You're the doctor."

"Yes," she said, her voice careful.

The name he was looking for crested to the surface. He grabbed at it before it slid back under. "Biro," he said. "Doctor Biro."

"Yes. I'm glad you remember that. How are you feeling?"

"Drugged." He paused again, shifting a little on the mattress. "Why?"

"Yes, and I apologize for that, but you had a small seizure before and we thought it would be best to give you something to prevent that from happening again. If we can cut back on the amount we will, but we were…worried."

Seizures. That explained his soreness, the worn out feeling in his muscles.

"Do you think you're up for a visitor?"

He frowned in confusion, but nodded slowly. "I…think so."

Doctor Biro patted his arm and gestured for someone to approach. Another man stepped into view, his hair in disarray, his hands already moving nervously through the air.

"He is awake, yes?" The man turned to Durand. "What Ancient device were you messing with? As usual, I must fill in and fix you, so you can fix Atlantis."

"Ancient device?" He thought hard. The only project he was working on was classified and on the cutting edge of their science, nothing old. "I know of no…device. Nigel should be able to tell you which old systems need repair."

"Yes, yes, you think you are Ancient scientist, this they tell me." The man ran his hands through his hair, making it stick up even more. "I have diagrams of three devices found on Daedalus. Which one were you working on?" He swiftly put three sets of diagrams on Durand's lap, then looked intently at him.

Narrowing his eyes, he managed to turn his head, focusing on the items strewn across his lap. He moved to reach for the top sheet, but his arm wouldn't budge. "I…" he began, sending a confused expression at his unresponsive wrist.

"We shall call them A, B, and C, no?" Pushing his glasses up his nose, the man pointed to each of the diagrams, giving them letters. "Which one—" He suddenly stopped, and adopted a listening pose. He then reached up to tap a small device in his ear. "I am busy at the moment fixing Rodney. Water distillation plant can wait. Unless it is blowing up, do not call again." He muttered a few things in a strange language, before turning back to the bed.

"Now, which one? Kavanaugh seeks to blow us all up, and I do not have patience to stop him. Your job I do not want."

"Can't…have it," he managed to say, completely overwhelmed by the small man who'd appropriated a chair. "Can I…" he paused, looking for the word. "…hold…look closer?"

A sharp gaze pierced him for a moment, then the man reached over and moved the papers within reach, even with the restraints still in place. "If you damage, I will not sit by and let you yell later for irresponsibility."

Fingering the top page, Durand squinted at the diagrams, trying to raise himself to get a closer look. Even though the back of the bed was raised slightly, it was more reclined than upright, which made it even more difficult. After a minute of struggling, he leaned back again, closing his eyes briefly. "I can't…this way."

"Gah! Look like Rodney you may, but him you are not. Arm waving and yelling far better than whining." He leaned over and roughly moved the bed forward, into a sitting position, earning a sharp look from the doctor still standing in the corner observing. "There, no more excuses now."

Durand glanced at the man, his forehead furrowing. "Thank you."

Making a phft noise, the man rolled his eyes. "Now I know you are not yourself. Cutting sarcasm, yes. Biting remarks, yes. Apologies, never. Now, which one did you activate so I may fix you? While timid Rodney is quieter, Colonel Sheppard will have science department for breakfast if we do not rectify situation."

"Activate?" Durand shook his head. "Nothing was ready for…activation. Still several days away. Wraith are coming. We have to be ready."

He left his eyes drift to the page in his hands, recognizing the device on the sheet. "This is a replacement part for…" He paused, trying to drag the information out of his mind. "…the long ranger scanners. Was supposed to fix the error messages we were receiving."

The man's eyebrows almost disappeared into his hairline. "Long range scanners?" He snatched the sheet out of Durand's hands. "We found work-arounds for errors, but cannot scan as far as we would like. What part will this replace? How hard to do repairs?" A throat cleared in the background made the man turn around for a moment, then visibly gathered himself. "Ah, yes, well, we can deal with the scanners later. What about the other two? And what was device supposed to do? That will help."

"Easy fix," Durand said, still on the first part of the man's rushed words. "Main console, the part just…under the crystal control unit."

He whipped out a small notebook and pencil, easily distracted by the scanner. "Here," he sketched for a moment, then turned the paper around to show a rough drawing of the scanner. "Show me." Another cough, louder this time, was waved off. "Yes, yes, Doctor Biro, I am well aware of problem. I will return to fixing Rodney momentarily."

Durand reached forward, managing to snag the writing implement, but realizing that any real work was going to be difficult. "Can we…" He tugged at the restraint fastened around his wrist. "I can't work like this."

The man sighed. "I was told that should I release you, even for good cause, Colonel Sheppard will use me for a punching bag. I like nose where it is, so I cannot undo restraints. However, perhaps if I bring devices here, you can show me, yes? Point out what you were working on, and how to fix it? Scanners, as much as I would like to talk about them, must take second priority."

"Nonononono. My work must remain in my lab. Shielded. Classified. Scanners I can fix now." Durand tugged again. "Please. Place a guard if you are worried. I can help you."

"Lab on Doranda no longer exists. The device has been in the workshop for weeks, with rest of things we do not know how to work yet or have a function for." He hesitated for a moment. "Hard I know this is, however, you are not Ancient scientist. You are Rodney McKay, and the world you think you knew no longer exists." There was a great deal of compassion in his eyes. "Your help I would gladly take, if it did not mean giving up my friend and colleague. If you will help me with the device, I will bring notes and paper for you to work and ask for restraints to be loosened or removed. Deal?"

"Gone?" Durand stared at the man, feeling his mouth drop open. "We were only a day away from testing. We were certain of success."

He shook his head, his voice gentle. "From what we have found in the database, the order was given to evacuate Atlantis back to Earth, after it was sunk to bottom of ocean. There it stayed until we arrived three years ago and raised it. We are the second evolution of Ancient race, after they ascended."

"No," he whispered, the voices of his friends still ringing in his ears. They couldn't be gone. "No…"

A firm hand grabbed his, the grip strong, the eyes above it understanding. "From what we know, Doranda was evacuated, all scientists making it to Earth. How you remain behind, how you come to inhabit Rodney's body, however, this I do not know. Your device, it was meant to do something with consciousness perhaps? Or time travel?"

"No evacuation order was given," Durand replied, too shocked to edit himself, to hold back. "The Arcturus project was a success. Only a few more modifications were needed until it would finally be ready after years of work. I was finishing the remote access device for the commander of the Athanasius—one of the ships fighting the Hives that were approaching Doranda. The remote would imprint on the user, enabling him to use it from a long distance. Once we test fired it successfully, we planned to build several others."

He shook his head, his gaze focused somewhere past the man beside the bed. "The last I remember…I was in my lab working, trying to finish. There was a report of a Hive and troops on the ground, but it was unconfirmed. I was working. I had to finish. They were relying on me."

Durand stopped, pulling in a shaky breath, seeing his shock reflected in the eyes of the man at his bedside. "Something's wrong, I can feel it even with the drugs. What's happening?"

The man's eyes were thoughtful for a moment. "The Arcturus project, it did not work. We found evidence that something went wrong during the test firing, but then no further notes were—" He broke off, looking sharply at Durand. "This device, how does it imprint? It stores personality of user perhaps? As to what is wrong..." Another long look, then he went over to the doctor, conferring with her for a moment. When he returned, he held a small mirror. "You are not Durand, my friend."

Durand's eyes went wide, focusing on the face reflected back at him. "Nonononono," he said, pulling his eyes away. "No. That can't happen. You're tricking me. You have to be."

He tugged at the restraints, desperation in his movements, but his limbs, his body wasn't reacting like it should have, slowed considerably due to the drugs in his system. "I have to get back to work. Let me go. I have to go." He took a shaky breath, trying to ignore the catch in his voice and the lump stuck in his throat. "Please," he begged. "Just let me go back. I have to finish."

There was a sharp slap across his face. "You may panic later, when not so much is at stake. If you truly are a scientist and wish to use your knowledge to help others, you will cease denying and begin helping."

Eyes wide, his breath caught and he slumped back into the mattress, his mind spiraling out of control while another voice finally rose to the surface, a scream erupting from his mouth.

"Get him out! Get him out! Get him out!"

The final look the scientist shot him before he turned to leave was mixed. Scorn, pity, compassion, frustration, were all there. "I will return in a few hours with devices. You will calm down and help then." Then he turned and walked out the door.

Rodney tugged at the restraints, not understanding how he'd gotten there, but knew something was very wrong. "Radek!" He yelled, his body shaking.

Radek paused, almost out of the room, and turned slowly. "You are Rodney now? Not Durand?"

He nearly sobbed in relief when the Czech paced back a few steps. He'd heard him. He wasn't imaging it. "Get him out. Oh, God, get him out."

"We will get him out. You must stay sane and convince him to help if you can. Until then, what information do you have? What device were you working on? He is refusing to tell us, and both you and Doctor Beckett have convulsions when we ask." Radek had returned to the bedside, his gaze intense.

"Wha.." Carson stirred in the next bed. "What's happening?"

Biro appeared on the other side of the bed, leaning over. "Doctor McKay?"

Body shaking, his gaze leapt from one to the other. "Please tell me this is a dream. A really, really bad dream," he muttered, wanted to just close his eyes and make everything change back to normal.

"Not dream. Just a really bad sci-fi movie. Now, which device? Why does everyone avoid this question today?" Radek rolled his eyes.

He shook his head. "Not big..." he said, closing his eyes to try and picture it. "Smaller than a ZedPM. Same shape. Were control crystals inside."

Rodney opened his eyes, turning his head to Biro. "Make him go away. He keeps talking, pushing me away, pushing me into the dark."

"Doctor Zelenka?"

"No. Him."

"Durand?"

Rodney nodded, but he could already feel himself slipping. "I can't go back in there. I can't." He turned to Radek. "I touched something inside. It jolted me. Everything's fuzzy since then. It wasn't Carson's fault. He just startled me. Just get him out of me."

Carson sat up. "Him? Him who? What the bloody hell is going on?"

Zelenka ignored the doctor for the moment. "He pushes you aside? You are both occupying same space, you know what he is saying and doing, even when you are not in charge? Can you access his memories, tell us what this device is supposed to do?" He pulled out the diagram of the device Rodney had described, shoving it in his face. "It is this one?"

"I know he's there, but I can't move past him. He smothers me. I'm trapped. Feel…trapped." Rodney could feel the pull stronger now, his eyes beginning to lose focus.

"Rodney! Hang on a little longer!" Radek began swearing in Czech. He took Rodney by the shoulders, shaking him slightly. "You are genius! Find way to fight him!"

"Tired," Rodney mumbled, feeling Biro grab his wrist, feeling the pull of the drugs in his system and the stronger pull of something else, the thick darkness beginning to blot out the isolation room. "Sorry…" he said, the word trailing off as he slid, the world around him vanishing once again.

xxx

Carson drifted, feeling a bit dreamy. He knew this feeling. It was a drug they used to calm patients who were a bit unruly. They had told him about Rodney, about Durand. They had given him the drug after that, when he had started to panic again.

At least now he knew it wasn't him. With the edges of his emotions dulled, he found he could think. It wasn't easy, but at least his thoughts were mostly his own. A glance over at Rodney's bed showed the physicist was still out cold, on far more powerful drugs than Carson himself.

He heard a noise and looked up, not really surprised to see Colonel Sheppard and Radek advancing on him, an Ancient device cradled in Radek's arms. They surrounded the bed, standing on either side of him.

Sheppard crossed his arms, leaning a hip against the side of the bed. "You going to freak on us?"

He thought about it for a moment, staring off into space. "I...I din'na think so. Not right now."

"Good," Radek said, shoving the device into his lap. "Is this what Rodney was working on when you found him?"

Carson stared at the device for a while, trying to force himself to remember. "Yes." He drew the word out. "I, his hands, I remember he had his hand in it. When he pulled it out, there was a spark. I felt it, like a shock." He trailed off, his mind wandering.

"Good, good," Radek said, shifting the device a little so he could open the side of it. "You said he was working inside here?"

"Mmmmmmm" Radek's hair was really wild. Wondering if it was that way on purpose, he reached out to pat the man on the head, a little astonished when his arm stopped half-way.

"Carson?" Sheppard asked, pulling his attention. "Was that the only thing Rodney was working on? There was a bunch of stuff in the lab."

John had nice hair too... Carson tried to force himself to concentrate. This was why he hated drugs. "No. I. He…that was what he was working on. But we were both tired. He was so tired he could barely walk straight."

The man awkwardly patted his arm, offering a hesitant smile. "I know, Doc. It was one of those missions. Are you sure there was nothing else? From what we've been able to find out from the database, Durand was working on a lot of different projects. All of them dangerous, deadly, and not…quite…legitimate."

He closed his eyes, hoping to drown out the distracting hair all around him. "There were other things there. Rodney had his back was to me when I walked in. But when I got close, I saw, he only had the one thing near him. He was poking it, inside it. At the crystals."

"That will help," Radek said, lifting the device from his lap. "If only Rodney were so helpful."

"Scared." He opened his eyes, trying to make them understand. "He, the other, he's scared, panic. I, that's what I keep getting edges of. He's scared." Carson shuddered, even through the haze of drugs, he could feel the rogue emotions fluttering. At least he knew they weren't his.

"Of what? What is he scared about?" Sheppard asked, his tone urgent. "We have to figure it out before he gets much weaker."

He took deep breaths, trying to separate himself from Durand. "I don't know, lad. All I'm getting are emotions, no thoughts, no memories." He wanted to bury his head in his hands, tugged at the restraints a bit. Even with the drugs, he was starting to have a hard time separating himself from the outside influences. He needed something to ground him, to keep him here, remind him what was him and what wasn't. "Colonel..."

Sheppard leaned closer, concern on his face, a tentative hand resting on Carson's shoulder. "What?"

He tried to reach up, to grab Shepaprd's hand, wanting the physical anchor, and choked back a sob when his arm was jerked back again. He took several deep breaths, trying to focus and block out everything else. "Something... I'm not sure, but I think something was wrong. It isn't just fear, it's…" he paused, drawing in another shaky breath. "It's terror."

John's forehead creased in confusion, but his hand slid down to grab Carson's, hesitant at first. "From what? Can you be any more specific?"

Grateful, Carson squeezed, afraid to let go, finding it easier to concentrate when he had something to help him distinguish between reality and everything else. "I can only guess, since Rodney seems to have gotten the actual personality. Death, maybe. It's almost like the kind of emotion I would imagine comes with dying, or knowing you're going to die." He pointed at the device Radek was holding. "It centers around that thing, something it was doing or about to do."

"It causes death? Is that what you're saying?"

"It…I don't know. I only know that every time I think about it or see it, I can feel the panic, feel the terror."

"Colonel," Radek said, his voice thoughtful. "Were you able to get any details about why the project wasn't completed?"

"Not much, no. It was one in a long list of things that went wrong during the whole Arcturus project. Why?"

"Nothing specific?"

"No. It never worked right."

"Durand mentioned that there were Wraith troops on the ground when he was working, that there was a hive possibly already at Doranda," Zelenka said. "We know this device is supposed to imprint on the user. What if he was killed while working on it? With the ATA gene, it might have been possible for him to have made a death imprint"

"So I'm feeling his death? Not just his fear of death?" Carson was pretty sure he was about to throw up, could feel his face draining of blood.

"It could explain his sense of urgency and the…terror." Radek suggested, glancing over to the Colonel. "What if this entire project was resting on this one scientist? That he had to complete this piece or else everything else would fall as well?"

Carson couldn't stop shaking. Death. He was feeling death. He was aware that he was probably squeezing the Colonel's hand right off, but he needed that connection. "I think I'm going to be sick..."

"Hang on, Doc," Sheppard said before he turned to yell over his shoulder, his hand never leaving Carson's. "Biro!"

"Trying. I just... I don't... Please, make it stop?"

"Beckett," John said leaning in, his free hand turning his face. "Concentrate on me. You're here. You're safe. You're alive."

"...don't want to die. Know it's not me, but can't stop it... Please..."

"Look at me." John's voice was loud, commanding.

Carson shook his head, unable to raise his eyes, afraid, despite himself, that if he did all he would see is death.

"Open your eyes. Look at me." Sheppard ordered. "Zelenka, grab his other hand."

Slowly, he opened his eyes, focusing first on the hands gripping his own, although he still couldn't stop the shaking, or go further than that. "Want to, but I... John... Radek..." He was losing himself, the emotions threatening to take him, even with the drugs. Knowing it was death, knowing what the device had done, it was too much.

"Don't you dare give up, Beckett. What would your mum think of that?"

He jerked slightly, finally raising his eyes enough to look the Colonel in the face. "She...she'd call me a sheep, like Rodney...He'd like mum..."

"And you don't want me calling her now, do you?" John raised an eyebrow, his gaze firmly fixed on Carson's. "Telling her that her son was going to give up because things were getting hard."

Carson shook his head. "Drugs are wearing off. Hate them, but if you need more, maybe 'nother dose?" He wanted to beg, wanted to ask for oblivion, but he knew he couldn't go there until John and Radek had what they needed.

"Will that help you to stick with us?"

He nearly sobbed with relief. They were going to give him something to make it go away, at least for a little while. He couldn't even speak, just managed to nod.

"Biro's here already. Breathe and stay with me," Sheppard said, squeezing his hand. "You can push past it. I know you can."

This time he couldn't hold back the whimper as he felt the medication start to flow through his system, taking the edge off. He released his death-hold on John's hand, but didn't let go. He wasn't ready to face the world without that yet. It took a few minutes before he felt he could continue. "I…what else do you need?"

"Is there anything else you can think of? Anything else at all, even if it seems insignificant to you." Sheppard's voice was insistent but kind.

He focused thinking back. "After the shock, Rodney collapsed. The drug I gave him, it wouldn't have affected him that fast, or knocked him out at all. Just relaxed him, made it possible for him to sleep since he was so tense." He paused, taking several deep breaths before continuing. "After, when I did his blood work, there was nothing wrong. Nothing in his system. This isn't...biological."

"But it is affecting you physically," Biro said from somewhere near the Colonel. He couldn't see her. "Headaches, pain, stomach problems."

"Not real symptoms though. If this is his death, feeling death, it isn't our physical feelings..." He trailed off as he realized all the cramps, the sickness had been someone dying. He swallowed hard, doing his best not to let the panic overtake him, although he started shaking again. "Didn't do brain scans, didn't think we needed one."

"If you can handle it, I'd like to get you into the scanner," she said, appearing at the Colonel's side.

He nodded. "Just don't, don't leave me alone? I…it helps, touching, knowing this is real."

"If the Colonel is up for a little hand-holding, I think we can manage it. Might even be able to get those restraints off if you can stay with us." Biro offered a tense smile. "How about it?"

"Yes! Take them off! I promise, I'll try, I'll do my best."

Sheppard chuckled. "No comment about the hand-holding I see. Should I be worried?"

"Colonel," Carson managed a weak smile, "if holding your hand is all I have to do to get these off, I'm afraid you're going to have to explain to your superiors why you have an agitated Scottish doctor attached to you."

"Not a problem. We need you back, Doc," he said as Biro worked around him, removing the first restraint. Radek was trying to do the same one-handed on the other side.

Carson relaxed back into the bed, refusing to let go, but already feeling a bit better. The restraints somehow made it worse, intensified the helplessness, which just made the fear worse. "Thank you," he said quietly.

"We'll figure this out, Beckett," Sheppard finally said, his own voice quiet, his head turned slightly toward the other figure lying silently next to them. "We have to."

"Aye. I trust you. All of you."

John turned back, offering a tired, weary smile. "Let's get that noggin of yours looked at, why don't we?"

"Aye..." He squeezed John's hand again. "Don't worry lad, everything will work out. We'll be okay."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "Shouldn't I be saying that to you?"

"You looked like you could use a little comfort too."

"Well, with the two of you out for the count, who am I supposed to harass?" John glanced up, his forehead scrunching a little before he turned back to Carson. "Is it okay if Radek heads back to the labs? Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere."

Carson nodded reluctantly letting go of Radek's hand. "Go, find a way to un-do whatever it is that thing did."

"I will be back with an answer, I promise," Zelenka said, squeezing Carson's hand once more before letting go.

He swallowed, hard, knowing that Radek couldn't stay and hold his hand if he was going to fix the problem, but he did squeeze John's hand harder. "I know."

"Hey, Doc," John said, pulling his attention away from the scientist. "What was with the argument with Rodney the other night?"

He froze, remembering that. "Ah, um, nothing?"

Sheppard tugged at his hand. "Come on. What's up?" He glanced over his shoulder quickly. "Biro stepped out. Just us and one unconscious, drooling McKay."

Carson lowered his eyes. "Rodney was…angry. He requested to be removed from my patient lists. I..." He stopped, not wanting to reveal how guilty, how useless he was feeling.

"Rodney?" Sheppard shook his head. "He won't let anyone treat him—or touch him—except you."

"Not any more. I've asked Doctor Biro to take over his care." He couldn't raise his eyes to meet John's, afraid—his own fear this time and not a long-dead Ancient's—stopping him.

"Carson?" John's voice was quiet. "What's the real problem?"

He shook his head. "Nothing. It is'na important."

The Colonel's hand tightened in his. "Don't give me that line of BS. I know you better than that."

Carson still refused to look up. "Really, it isn't a big deal. Rodney is more important."

"No kidding. Which is why I want you on the job. Biro's fine, but she's not you." He glanced over his shoulder as someone walked into the room. He turned back to Carson. "This conversation is not over," he said, just as Biro walked up.

"We're all set for you, Doctor Beckett. Ready for a little ride?"

He shot the Colonel a look, hoping he would just let it drop. Rodney was in better hands with Doctor Biro. Really.

"Aye. I'm ready."

xxx

Durand could hear them talking, whispering. There were two of them in the room, two men discussing something until the female doctor walked in and whisked them away, leaving him tied to the bed with only the machines for company.

He kept his eyes closed, his thoughts floating from one point to the next, already making the last few connections that would complete his project. It would only be a short time more before everything would be done, before they could finish off the Wraith once and for all.

He heard them enter, talking to each other, the sound of a wheeled object accompanying them.

"Good. He's still unconscious," said one voice, the female. "We can transfer him and get the sheets changed before he's realizes it."

"Then Biro can't complain," replied the second one, a male. They were beside him now, hands on his limbs as they released the restraints. He kept his breathing constant; his muscles limp and relaxed as if he were still slumbering.

"Okay, Anne," the man said, the voice coming from hear his head and he could feel the hands under his shoulders. "Are you ready to transfer?"

"One second, Scott." Anne replied, still fumbling with the last restraint around his ankle. "Okay. On three."

They were quick and efficient, Durand thought as the cool pallet they laid him on chilled his back. When they moved away, he cracked an eye, watching as they turned their backs.

He watched and waited. He needed to incapacitate the man first. He would be the stronger.

"Crap," Anne said, shaking her head. "I forgot to grab extra blankets."

"I'll finish up," Scott said, his skilled hands tucking the sheets around the mattress.

"I'll be right back."

Now. It had to be now.

With Scott's back to him, he rose quietly, trying not to groan in pain from his abused muscles. Pulling the item from his hand, he dropped it, the tubing swinging to hit the metal pole.

The man paused.

Durand didn't hesitate.

Leaving the man in a pile on the floor, Durand moved cautiously, still woozy from the drugs.

He waited by the door, knowing the woman, Anne, would be returning. Then, he was free. Atlantis would hide him, save him, protect him.

"Scott," Anne said, breezing in the door, her arms wrapped around the blankets she'd forgotten. She stopped several feet into the room, her body going rigid.

The blankets dropped from her grasp, her hand rising to her ear, only to be caught in Durand's hand as he stepped up behind her, wrapping his free arm around her.

"I'm sorry about this," he said, applying pressure to her neck, feeling her slump unconscious.

At least she didn't fight him like Scott had. It was…unfortunate for him.

Leaving her on the floor, her head resting on the blankets she'd dropped, he turned to the hallway, listening carefully, his mind already connecting with the city.

Now, to finish his work, he thought as he stole way, his bare feet making hardly any sound against the cool floor of Atlantis.

xxx

Carson stared at the ceiling surrounding him. The scan was almost complete—this was the last pass. He had been forced to relinquish Sheppard's hand for the duration, and had done so reluctantly, and only with the promise that he would be waiting when this was over. He was pretty sure he would be embarrassed by the need when this was all over, but for now, that comforting warmth reminded him he was alive and himself, not a dead Ancient.

As he was finally slipped out, he started to panic a little, looking around and seeing no one. Doctor Biro, he knew, would be on the other side of the machine, and the other nurses were attending to the regular duties of the infirmary. But he was alone. What if he really was dead, and Atlantis was the dream? He felt the panic starting to rise, despite the very good drugs, and heard a whimper. It took him a moment to realize it was him.

"Colonel? Oh God, not alone, please!"

"I'm here," Sheppard replied. "You're almost done."

Letting out the breath he hadn't realize he was holding, Carson turned a glare on the man. "Ach man, don't do that to me!"

Sheppard offered a tired smile. "You think I'd break my promise?"

He blushed. "No, I just, I didn't see you, and for a moment I thought I was alone. Sorry." He fiddled with his hands, enjoying being able to move them again, but realizing the damn things were shaking again. That was getting old.

"Not a problem," he replied, frowning slightly, his hand rising to his ear. "One second, Doc. This is Sheppard."

He listened and Carson could see his expression hardening before leveling out into worry and exasperation. "He knows the city better than anyone. He could be anywhere."

Uh oh. "What happened?"

Sheppard raised a hand, gesturing him to wait. "No, I really don't think he's dangerous. I don't care what you think happened."

"Rodney." It wasn't a question.

John nodded, his jaw tightening. "I don't care. If you find him don't—and I repeat—don't do anything. Just call me and wait."

He paused, obviously listening to the conversation in his ear. "I'm glad you see it my way. Sheppard out."

Carson pushed himself up, he need to help overriding anything else. "What happened? What can I do?"

Rubbing a hand on the back of his neck, Sheppard took a deep breath. "Rodney seems to have skipped out."

"What?! He was supposed to be in restraints. They knew he was a danger to himself." Carson started kicking the sheets wrapped around his legs, trying to get them off. "We have to find him."

"Hang on, hang on," Sheppard said, a hand on his shoulder. "Before you run off…" He sighed again, waiting for Carson to settle. "It looks like he may have taken advantage of the situation. Biro wanted the sheets changed. Anne's unconscious and Scott's…it seems like he may have put up a fight."

Carson muttered a few choice curses in Gaelic. "Why would she order the sheets changed without more precautions? And why the hell wouldn't Anne have said something? I trained them better than this!"

John shrugged. "You'll have to ask Anne when she wakes up. She's going to be fine."

He let out his breath, relieved. "Well, what are you still doing here? Go find him!"

"Well, first off, I'm not leaving you here. Secondly, he could be anywhere."

Carson swallowed, the reason for the Colonel's presence by his side returning. But right now Rodney was more important. "I…I'll be okay. He needs you to find him."

Sheppard tilted his head, narrowing his eyes, a smirk flirting with his lips. "You up for a McKay hunt?"

"Me?"

"Of course. I made a promise to you, but I think you might be the only one on Atlantis who can think like McKay and Durand. I need you, Doc."

"I'm not...I'd just be a hindrance. You can move faster without a half-dead, mostly useless doctor in tow."

"Trust me on this. You might be the only one who knows where Durand might have holed up. You're probably the only one who really should be out there looking. The rest of us are going to be stumbling around in the dark."

"I don't have his memories. Just his final emotions. But..." Carson thought for a moment. "He wanted to get back to his lab, right? Can you patch in to the system and see if there are any life signs in sections of the city we don't use?"

"That's part of the problem. The sensors have magically gone offline—about five minutes after they think McKay went missing."

After a moment, Carson gave in, knowing he needed to do this for Rodney. "I'll need pants. I'm not going walking about Atlantis with my arse hanging out."

Sheppard burst out laughing. "I think we can manage pants."

Carson kicked free of the sheets and swung his legs out of bed. Once he was dressed, he stood, surprised at how wobbly his legs were. "Ready? Where to first? Has anyone seen him at all?"

"You gonna fall down or are you okay?" Sheppard asked instead of answering, looking at him carefully.

"I'll be fine." The drugs had worked their way mostly out of his system, but if they were going to find Rodney/Durand, he needed to be alert. Rodney hunting should, hopefully, be distracting enough.

"And no, no sightings. God," Sheppard said shaking his head. "I feel like we're looking for aliens or Elvis or something."

"Aye, Nessie is easier to track than McKay when he doesn't want to be found, and that's without an Ancient trying to take over his body." He started walking towards the door, his mind half on the problem of where Durand—it had to have been Durand in control—would have tried to go.

"Carson? Where are you going?" Sheppard asked, his voice floating from somewhere behind him.

"To find Rodney. Where else would I be wandering to?" Coming to the door, he stopped just outside. "Um, where to now?"

"You tell me. I've been calling you for a minute now."

"You have? Ah, sorry, I did'na hear you I guess. So..." He prayed Sheppard didn't ask him to tap into the death feelings to try and track down the missing physicist, although he had a sinking feeling that was what it was going to take. Could this day get any worse? "What should I do?"

Sheppard shrugged. "We can start with usual haunts."

"Okay. I'll follow you."

He sighed, shaking his head and muttering under his breath.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. What did you say?"

Turning, Sheppard looked at Carson, his jaw tight. "I said, 'why do all civilians have to difficult?'"

Carson stopped, his face falling. "I'm sorry! I did'na mean... Whatever I did, I'm sorry!" God he was useless. He couldn't even manage to not annoy the one guy who seemed to care.

"Just stop! Stop." Sheppard took a breath, running a hand through his hair. "Look. I'm tired and worried. There's no need to apologize. I should be the one apologizing to you since I'm forcing you to do something you obviously shouldn't be doing right now. Biro's going to kill me when she finds out. Maybe you should just go back to the isolation room and rest. I'll ask Teyla or Ronon to sit with you."

Carson shook his head, his face taking on a stubborn cast. "I'm going to help. I want to help. I just..." He stared over the Colonel's shoulder for a moment, then made up his mind. "Wait for a moment. Traipsing around the city won't do us any good, as you pointed out. Let's see if this blasted echo I have will do us any good." He leaned against the wall, and closed his eyes, not wanting to see the accusation in John's eyes, and knowing it would help his concentration.

"Anything?"

He swallowed, not wanting to admit he hadn't started yet. "I'm working on it." Slowly, he let the corner of his mind he had been trying to ignore open up.

The shaking started almost immediately, and the fear, Sheppard's voice fading into the background. Carson dug his fingernails into his arm, needing the physical anchor. "Labs. Durand's labs. East section of the city." He gasped, digging harder, fighting the panic that wanted to take over. He felt the blood under his fingers, centered on it. "He…that's where he worked when he came here."

"Good, good. You sure?"

"Yes. Go. Rodney needs you."

"So do you."

"No. I'll be fine. I'll catch up. I just...need to catch my breath. Go!"

"I can wait. It's not like he's going anywhere. Let me call Lorne—"

"Just go. Doctor's orders. I'll be fine."

"I'm not leaving you here, Beckett."

Carson sank to the ground along the wall, trying to be unobtrusive about the fact that he had switched arms, and was now fiercely digging his nails into fresh skin. "Colonel. Rodney needs you. Durand is a figment of the past, determined to live in the past. He could hurt Rodney without meaning to. Please. Help him."

Sheppard's eyes widened. He raised his hand, triggering his radio. "Sheppard to Lorne." He paused, waiting for the reply. "I need you to meet me at the transporter closest to the East Pier. Yes, you heard me. Sheppard out."

Carson nodded, eyes closed now. "Help Rodney."

"Sheppard to Teyla. I need you to meet Carson outside the infirmary and stick to him like glue. Got it? Good. He'll he waiting for you. Right, Beckett?"

"Right, sure." Carson hoped the man would leave before Sheppard realized he wasn't—couldn't—go anywhere. He was losing himself, the pain helping but not enough. Damnit, he couldn't let go when Rodney needed him! His fingers found raw skin on both arms, digging in hard.

"He'll be here waiting for you. Thanks, Teyla. Sheppard out." A moment passed before he spoke again, this time only a foot or two away from Carson. "And make sure Teyla gets those scratches taken care of."

"Scratches?" Carson forced himself to stand, using the wall to push himself up. For a moment he didn't think he legs would hold him, but then they steadied. "Aren't you gone yet? Rodney. Go fetch Rodney."

"Just making sure Rodney's doctor will still be in one piece by the time we get back."

"Doctor Biro isn't here..." He was getting confused. Too many things to try and process.

"I'm not bringing McKay back to the forensic pathologist. I expect you to be on your feet and ready to help get him back to his normal, grouchy self."

"Mmmmm." Easier to agree, or seem to agree. "Go." He turned to head back in the direction of the infirmary.

"Teyla, good," Sheppard replied, a smile in his voice. "Make sure Beckett gets treated and don't let him out of your sight. I'll bring McKay back shortly."

"Wait, Rodney could try and dodge you. Teyla should go too. Durand, he's an Ancient, has access to systems we don't know about. You need back-up, or whatever it is you call it." Plus, he couldn't collapse on the floor with Teyla standing there.

"Teyla, ignore any of his helpful suggestions. Understand?"

"Perfectly," she replied, a knowing tone to her voice.

Damn Air Force Colonels. "I'll have you know..." Stupid idea to try and step away from the wall. He tried for casual as he leaned back in, "I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself." He glared. That always worked with Anne.

"Teyla," John's voice was stiff.

"Doctor Beckett will be fine. Go."

"Why is everyone so concerned about me? You have more important people to worry about!" He slammed his mouth shut, not believing he had let that little tidbit out. "Please, just go help Rodney and don't worry about me. I need to know whatever I screwed up gets fixed." Shit! He hadn't meant to say that either. Time to stop talking.

Sheppard narrowed his eyes, his words addressed to Teyla, his tone deadly serious. "Not out of your sight." And then he was gone.

Eyeing Teyla, he decided to see how long he could outlast her, standing against the wall. With his arms wrapped around himself, he knew she couldn't see the scratches or the blood, or that he hadn't stop creating new ones. He knew if he tried to move he was going to pass out, so maybe she would just be content to stand here for a few hours.

"Doctor Beckett?" Teyla sounded worried.

"I'm fine, lass. Just tired." Inspiration! "Why don't you head back to the infirmary and let them know they will be returning with Rodney soon? I'll meet you there." It was getting weaker, the panic and fear, but it had been a long, rather trying day, and sprawling at someone's feet didn't sound like a great way to end it.

"You do not look well and Colonel Sheppard would be…unhappy if I left you here." Her hand was on his arm, warming where it touched. "Let me help you."

He jerked at her touch, unintentionally exposing part of his now-bloody arm. "Um, I'm sure he was joking."

"He was not." She didn't sound pleased.

He tried to make his eyes focus. He couldn't slip now. Rodney needed him. He didn't want his mum to call him a sheep. Or was that John who called him that? He was more tired now than anything. Absently he recognized it as shock, but hey, this was a comfy wall, why not stay here?

"Doctor Beckett?" Now she sounded worried.

He released one arm to wave his hand at her, tell her he was fine, and was a bit startled by the blood on it. It distracted him. Who was hurt? Why was he so tired all the sudden?

Teyla reached for him, pulling him away from the wall. He heard something about the infirmary, and then the ground was suddenly much closer. Closing his eyes, his last thought as he drifted off was how lousy this whole day had been.

xxx