Under the Skin – Chapter 6
Durand liked the East Pier. Always had. The fact that some of the science labs were out this way may have only been part of the reason.
The scientists had been working for several hours already, allowed to work once John had given the okay. Carson had looked a little uneasy, but it seemed the soldier only had a few questions.
Someone had brought food a while ago, but he hadn't been very hungry and had ended up picking at the meal as he stared at the chair in the center of the room, watching abstractly as the scientists buzzed around, connecting everything while keeping this room and its systems isolated from the rest of the city.
Maybe a little of Atlantis would remain behind. That would be nice.
He was startled out of his reverie by a voice at his side, the body dropping down in the adjacent chair.
John Sheppard was looking him over carefully. He grabbed a piece of pastry from the tray nearby and held it out. "Let's not do the whole hypoglycemic thing again, huh?"
"No," he said, taking it carefully from the man's hand. "That wasn't fun."
"Yeah, it doesn't look like much fun. And you should see what happens when citrus is involved. That takes it to a whole new level."
"Citrus?" He raised an eyebrow. "Do I want to know?"
Sheppard let out short laugh. "Rodney's allergic to it. If he even gets near it he starts turning blue for lack of oxygen, and his face gets all puffy and splotchy. We had to have training on how to deal with a reaction, and we all carry EpiPens on us now, with the medication to counteract the reaction." He pulled a slim device out of a vest pocket and held it up.
Durand knew his eyes were open wide, staring disbelievingly at John. "That sounds…barbaric. Don't you have other ways to treat such irregularities in the body?"
He shrugged. "Once we get him back here, Beckett has better treatment options. It happens so fast though, there's no way we would be able to get him back through the gate and to the infirmary in time from off-world to save him though. At least not without these. It holds off the whole thing long enough to keep him alive."
"You take…Rodney off-world even with all of his…issues? I thought he was head of your science department. Wouldn't his time be better spent here?" How a head scientist could not spend all his time delving through Atlantis' systems was…mind-boggling to him.
"There's a lot of technology scattered through the galaxy. Your people felt the need to spread it out a bit. His job is to help us find it, keep us from blowing things up—most of the time—and tell us if there's anything useful. Like ZPMs. Or weapons. Or really cool toys."
"Huh," Durand said, turning his attention back to the scientists. Carson was there now, talking with several of them, shaking his head when someone finally answered the questions he was throwing at them. "He's worried."
John's gaze followed his. "Yeah, Carson's like that." He suddenly trained his penetrating gaze back on Durand. "He really trusts you. He's determined to make sure you and Rodney are both safe."
Durand sighed wearily. "I'm not sure why exactly."
"Beckett's like that," he repeated.
"He feels too deeply for a doctor." Durand shook his head. "It's not worth the pain."
John's gaze drifted back over to the doctor. "He believes he can save the universe. And when he can't, he takes it hard."
Durand narrowed his eyes. "The universe's not worth it. Trust me."
John looked back at Durand. "There are some days I'd agree with you. But Carson never will. And if the rest of us give up, who will be there to make sure he doesn't get fed on by a Wraith, or blown up by faulty wiring somewhere?"
"I'm not talking about giving up, per say, maybe taking a more…realistic view." He shrugged, tilting his head to look at the man seated beside him, noting the dark circles under his eyes, the lines of pain on his face. "And you should take something for your headache."
"To Carson, realistic and giving up are the same thing." He gave Durand a long look. "And what makes you think I have a headache?"
Durand raised his hands wiggling his fingers toward John's face. "Lines in the corner of your eyes. Your mouth is tense too. And we won't mention the glassy eyes. Nydia used to get the same signs."
"Nydia? That was your wife, right? Carson briefed us a bit, but I got the feeling he was leaving things out. Wanna talk?"
Durand shrugged turning away. "Not much to say. She's dead. I'm not."
John was silent for a moment. "So...virtual reality, huh? Please tell me you plan to do something cool like fly or maybe go surfing."
He turned back, raising an eyebrow. "I understand the flying part, but not the…surfing. And," he shrugged, "maybe."
John grinned at him. "Surfing, now that's the best form of stress relief there is. Just you, a surfboard, and the ocean. You wait for a nice big wave to come, stand up on the board, and ride the wave to the beach. Then you swim back out and do it all over again."
"And you…voluntarily do this?" Shaking his head, Durand looked away. These…people were odd.
"Well, I seem to be the only one here who likes to surf, although I have high hopes that eventually I'll be able to convince someone else to give it a shot. Maybe Ronon." John was laughing softly.
"Why are you here, really?" Durand asked after several minutes had passed, the silence growing between them. It wasn't uncomfortable, but Durand could tell that the man beside him was waiting for something.
"Truthfully? I'm here to see if this will work, and if it doesn't to handle the situation. And if it does work, I have a feeling Rodney's going to be a bit out of his mind, so to speak, and I want to be here to calm him down."
"Huh." Durand shifted in the chair, the pain from the wound in his—Rodney's—left buttock smarting a little. It was just about healed, but it was still sore. "What's he like?"
"Rodney?" John laughed again. "He's a pain in the ass most of the time. He's arrogant, completely inept when it comes to social situations, and can be downright snarky when he puts his mind to it. But under all that, he is the smartest man in several galaxies, and he would give his life to protect Atlantis and his team. He cares a lot more than he lets on."
"Huh."
"Rodney's a pretty complicated man. I don't think he ever sits still or stops moving, except when drugged or asleep. He can't really shut that brain of his off, and he tends to say whatever comes to mind, without stopping to think about it. But he is amazingly loyal, and while he denies it at every opportunity, is pretty brave. He's been in a lot of situations no civilian should have to face, but he somehow always manages to not only get out alive, but save the day at the same time."
"Sound like quite the guy," Durand said, a flash of something—pain, envy, something—going through his mind. "No wonder you're so anxious to get him back."
John laughed again. "I'm sure there are some in the science department who would just as soon not get him back. Rodney has most of them terrorized, but amazingly enough he gets results. They work harder for him than anyone else. But more than anything," John's gaze became intense, "he's a member of my team. Our motto is to never leave a man behind, even the annoying, snarky ones."
Durand turned, looking at John for a moment before glancing away again. He seemed sincere, sounded it too. Huh.
John stared at him for a moment longer, the glanced over at Carson again. "And now it seems Carson has decided you're a member of my extended team, too. I'll be honest, I'm still not entirely sure of this, but I trust him, and he trusts you. So that protection extends to you," John unconsciously echoed Carson's earlier words.
"It's because I look like him. For all intents and purposes I am him—apart from the slight issue with his mind."
"Actually, you're nothing like him. You look like him, but that doesn't mean anything. I've met plenty of identical twins to know the difference. You inhabit his body at the moment, but you are a different person entirely. I know that's how Carson thinks of you, and why he was so insistent that a way be found to save you both."
Durand shrugged. "Maybe."
"You really think I would have allowed this if he hadn't fought me on it? No offense, but you took over the body of my head geek, attacked my people, and tried to blow up my city. I know most of that wasn't really your fault, but it's my job to be suspicious."
Durand felt his lips twitch in a half smile. "And you do it so well."
John gave him another cocky smile. "Hey, we all need something to be good at."
"What is it with you and that grin?"
"What is it with scientists and mocking my appearance? Rodney never misses an opportunity to say something disparaging about my hair. You note the smile. Radek tells me to stop leaning against things. I'm not sure whether to be flattered or insulted."
"That smile should be outlawed, that's what," Durand said, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'd be surprised if it hasn't gotten you into trouble."
"Me? Trouble? Nah, I'm always a good boy."
Durand looked at John and his innocent expression—wide eyes and all—and burst out laughing. When he finally caught his breath, he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "Sure you are."
John was laughing with him. "Yeah, somehow I didn't think you'd buy that. Can't hurt to try though, right?"
He stopped abruptly, the humor quickly dissipating. "You'd be surprised."
John looked at him closely. "Okay, that's another thing I can't get used to. Why do all scientists feel the need to change moods so fast? Are you all on some sort of permanent PMS?"
Durand shook his head slowly. "I'm not sure I understand exactly what you mean, but perhaps it's because many scientists are simply closer to the reality of a situation than anyone else."
"Riiiight. You all spend half your time up to your ears in wires and hare-brained ideas, and you're the ones with a firm grounding in reality. Give me a nice big gun and point out what you want me to shoot. That's my idea of being grounded in the situation." He was grinning again as he said it.
"That is not always the answer," Durand said simply, wincing as a pain flashed through his head.
A hand awkwardly patted his leg. "I know. Why do you think I have Rodney on my team when he'd be far safer staying here all the time?"
"Do you think they are close to completing the project?"
John shrugged. "I don't even understand half of what they're saying. But I can ask." He looked up and caught Radek's eye, motioning him over. "How's it coming?"
The scientist shrugged slightly. "We are almost done. Double-checking some of the sub-routines now. Why?"
"Just wanted to be kept up to date." John nodded, letting the man return to work.
Carson walked over then, kneeling down next to them, rocking back on his heels slightly. "So lad, are you ready? You still have time to change your mind if you aren't positive."
Durand rubbed his hand across the pressure points on either side of his head as he nodded at Carson. "I'm fine, ready."
Carson nodded, standing up and reaching out a hand. "Let's get you settled then."
John stood as well, reaching out to help Durand stand as well. "For what its worth, good luck. If this works, maybe we can have a longer, less—situation-charged—conversation. I can teach you to surf in that VR thing."
Nodding in answer to John's comment, he stood and began to wobble, his knees barely holding him. If it weren't for John and Carson's hands on him he would have hit the ground. He groaned, closing his eyes.
"Hang on, not too far to go." They quickly got him over to the chair, sitting him down. "Durand," Carson's voice was soft, a bit choked up, "just in case this doesn't work right, I, uh, wanted to say I've enjoyed getting to know you." A hand around his arm squeezed once before letting go.
"Yeah, um, good luck." John stepped back, letting the scientists move in to make last-minute adjustments.
Durand nodded, breathing deep. "Radek, are you done? Now would be a good time to say yes."
Radek nodded and stepped back. "We are as ready as possible. Whenever you wish to begin."
Durand glanced around. Offering a weary smile. "Thank you. No one else would have done such a thing for me."
Leaning back, he closed his eyes, feeling the connection to the chair and the room activate immediately, tilting him back so he was almost lying down.
He could feel the system come online, grabbing him and pulling him in. Part of him didn't want to go, wanted to stay, but he knew what had to be done. He knew the stakes.
With a final breath he pushed and felt himself let go, merging with the computer system, feeling a small part of Atlantis cradle him and pull him in…
He was home.
xxx
Carson knew the moment Durand had left Rodney's body. The chair disengaged, and Rodney shot up, his eyes wild for a moment, his mouth forming a silent scream. Then he fell back, eyes glazed, completely unresponsive. He leaped over, grabbing him, keeping him from falling backwards. "Rodney! Rodney, lad, can you hear me! Rodney!"
Instead of answering, he slumped in Carson's hands. Instead of lowering him back to the chair, he turned angling the two of them toward the floor. Sheppard appeared seconds later, offering his support in actions and words.
"Rodney. Come on, buddy. You're safe. We've got you."
Carson let go with one hand to reach for his headset. "Infirmary, this is Beckett. I need an emergency trauma team down here, stat." He got Rodney on his back, and pried open his eyelids, a flashlight appearing out of one of his pockets. His pupils dilated, but he didn't show any indication of having noticed.
"Doc?" Sheppard's voice was tight, his hand on Rodney's shoulder.
Carson's voice was tight as he worked. "He's catatonic, in shock. I need to get him somewhere warm and quiet, as soon as possible, or he could catch something. His immune system will be severely depressed for a while."
"Claustrophobia?"
"Among other things. He's been trapped in his own mind for days now. My guess is that after a while he simply couldn't handle it and started to shut down. We're going to have to convince him it's safe to come back, and that means a certain amount of physical stimuli. He needs to know we're here, and that he's got his body back."
"But will he listen? Damn stubborn scientists," John muttered before leaning down, speaking directly into Rodney's ear. "This is no time for dramatics, McKay. We've managed to get the hitchhiker out. Why don't you come back and check out the place? It's a little empty without you."
"To be honest, I have no idea. There is a certain amount of evidence that even people who are fully brain-dead and unresponsive have a limited awareness to what's going on around them. It's a theory in its infancy, but if it's right, that means Rodney can hear us, he just isn't ready to respond yet."
Sheppard glanced up, an annoyed expression on his face. "We need him working and in one piece you know."
Carson glared at him, his own fears temporarily put on hold as he let his 'doctor persona' take over. "I am well aware of that Colonel Sheppard. Believe me, I'm going to do all I can."
"I know, I know," he said, pulling on his 'sorry that scared the natives' face. He glanced away, studying McKay for a long moment, his hand squeezing his shoulder. "We can't…this has to work. After what we went through, he has to be okay."
Carson relented, letting John see how afraid he was for a moment before locking it down again. "I know. I promise you, we'll do everything we can to bring him back."
Sheppard sighed, his other hand moving to grip McKay's hand. "Come on, buddy. Show us those baby blues."
Carson continued to work, checking Rodney's pulse and other vitals, but there wasn't too much he could do here, away from his equipment. So he spent a certain amount of time just running his hands up and down Rodney's arms, trying to give the man a physical anchor to focus on. When the trauma team arrived, they got Rodney up on the gurney, and started the trip back to the infirmary.
"Doc?" Sheppard said, as he stood in the middle of the room, looking lost and concerned all in one.
Carson paused for a moment, letting his team move on. They were well-versed in emergency procedures, so he knew they would be okay for a moment. He took a good look at John, noting for the first time the dark circles, the pain lines in his forehead. "Colonel, why don't you let me give you something to help you relax a bit, and go get some sleep. You aren't going to do Rodney any good if you pass out at his feet when he finally wakes up."
Sheppard looked at him carefully, an unidentifiable emotion crossing his face. "Durand told me to ask you for something for my headache."
"Why didn't you listen to him? Ach lad, living with pain when we can easily deal with it is a bit daft, don't you think? Come upstairs and let me give you something, then go get some rest. If you're really concerned, I'm sure Doctor Biro won't mind you finding an out-of-way cot to sleep on."
"He could tell," John said, shuffling forward.
Carson grabbed his arm lightly, steering him towards the door, even as he nodded to Radek, who was running a few tests to make sure everything had gone ok. "And that's a bad thing?"
Sheppard shrugged, allowing himself to be pulled along. "Unexpected more than anything."
"Daft, that's what you are. I'll write it off as exhaustion, but try not to let it get ahead of you."
"He's going to be okay, right?" Sheppard said quietly, several minutes later when they'd almost reached the infirmary.
Carson wasn't sure which one he meant, so he answered both. "If we have anything to say about it, aye, they both will. Radek is double-checking the system, and volunteered to check on Durand once they're positive everything went smoothly. And Rodney—we'll do our best. This is going to be hard on him, but as long as we let him know we're here, he should be fine. Doctor Biro will be putting a team on him round-the-clock, and we'll do everything we can think of to snap him out of this."
Sheppard nodded. "I have to give my report to Elizabeth," he said absently. "And why is it that you let the pathologist run the infirmary?"
Carson hesitated briefly, his step faltering slightly before continuing. "She's a very good doctor, lad, one of the best, otherwise she wouldn't be here."
"But she works on dead people," he protested, allowing himself to be led to the nearest bed.
He chose not to answer that, not really trusting his response. Instead, he detoured slightly to grab a bottle from a nearby shelf. It was where they kept the more mild painkillers, the things that were most often needed to help ease headaches, minor aches and pains. He took a few pills out and put them on the table next to Sheppard. "Take those for your headache, then lie back and try to get some rest."
"But, Rodney," he said, already moving to stand back on his feet. "I have to go and check—"
Carson roughly pushed him down into the bed. "Nae. There's nothing you can do right now. The trauma team has him, and will be doing a full set of tests." His expression softened a bit. "I know you want to help, and I'll make sure you stay informed if anything changes. But right now, you need to get some sleep."
"I still need to report to Elizabeth—"
"That can wait. And if she comes looking for you, I'll make her go rest, too. That lass is as bad as you are about not sleeping."
Sheppard grumbled, but allowed himself to relax on the bed, only propping himself up long enough to take the pills Carson had left. With an arm covering his eyes, he sighed and stilled.
Once he was sure the Colonel was going to stay put, Carson headed towards the back of the infirmary where they had taken Rodney. He was already hooked up to and IV, several tubes already running from various body parts. He walked over, and, staying out of their way, he stroked Rodney's forehead. "Come on, lad, come back to us. There are a lot of people counting on you."
xxx
Rodney woke with a start, his eyes popping open as he glanced frantically around the room, his gaze not settling on anything.
Was he here or was this just another dream? Another tease? With the curtains up and the ceiling so close, he couldn't catch his breath. He needed to get out, get away. Maybe this time it was real. Maybe this time.
But he didn't know and didn't care.
There were tubes and wires on him and they had to come off. He had to get them off. They had to come off now.
Wincing as he pried them lose, he managed to stumble out of bed, his bare feet hitting the cold floor. Holding onto the bed, he lurched toward the privacy screen, nearly toppling into it, but catching his balance at the last minute.
Shaking off the dizziness, he headed for the door, staying near the wall or gripping a bed if he lost his footing.
He had to get out before it happened again, before he was trapped. He had to see the sun. Had to see outside.
Once the door opened into a familiar corridor, he turned heading anywhere away from here, away from the stifling, stale air that was choking him.
When he finally came back to himself a little, he was outside, the early morning sun on his face. How long he ran, he didn't know. His feet and calves hurt, his breath still came in panting gasps. He didn't even know where he was except that he could see outside.
Curled up along the outer wall of Atlantis, Rodney pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, letting his head sink to the top of his knees as he rocked back and forth, some small comfort coming from the movement.
He was outside.
He could breathe for a little while until they came and trapped him again.
xxx
Carson had been persuaded to take the same advice he'd given to John, and had curled up in one of the cots in the next room. Actually, Doctor Biro had pointed out that he had never technically been cleared for full duty, and was only being allowed to work at her sufferance, and even that would be revoked if he didn't go sleep. He was too tired to argue, so he had allowed himself to be sent off to bed. It was the sudden shouting that woke him, slightly panicked voices, coming from Rodney's room. Before he could fully comprehend what he was hearing, he was up and moving, coming to a dead stop when he got around the corner.
Rodney's bed was empty.
He didn't even bother to listen to the nurses. He turned and went to where Sheppard was still sleeping, too far away for the voices to have woken him yet. "Colonel, wake up, there's a slight situation." He tried to keep the panic out of his own voice, knowing this wasn't really the time.
"Wha…?" He was blinking, trying to pull himself to wakefulness.
"Rodney appears to have taken a field trip." He saw Anne hurrying over. "Lass, any idea how long he's been gone?"
"We were checking on him every two hours, unless an alarm went off. He was there when Shelley checked, but was gone just now when it was Heather's turn to look in on him."
Sheppard had managed to get himself to a seated position on the bed, his sock-clad feet hanging over the edge. "I thought you were watching him."
Carson felt his cheeks heat slightly. "Lindsay ordered me to bed. I was never cleared for duty, and she threatened me. I was in the next room, and I did'na hear a thing."
"God," Sheppard said, rubbing his hands over his face, trying to wipe out the fatigue. "What the hell did you give me?"
"Pain killers. You tend to react strongly to acetaminophen, so I picked something with that in it, to make sure you slept. You've had some time to let it run through your system, so it should wear off completely as soon as you get moving."
Shaking his head, he scowled, reaching for the headset that was on the side table. "Where do you think he went?"
"I've no idea." Carson ran a hand over his own face, knowing he probably didn't look much better than John. "You know him better than anyone. When he woke up, he was probably terrified and disoriented. He would have gone somewhere he felt safe."
"He could be anywhere." John sighed. "We need to check everywhere he'd normally go. His quarters, the labs, the mess, hell…every balcony." He paused, eyes widening. "You don't think he'd…"
Carson closed his eyes briefly. "Rodney's never shown any indication that he's suicidal, no. But he's been through a lot. Can you get your Marines to check the more obvious places? I have a feeling they won't find him there, but it never hurts to be thorough. He's been locked in his own mind, if I was him, the first place I would go would be somewhere open."
"Well, I doubt he's in his right mind," Sheppard said, setting the earbud in place. "Sheppard to Lorne." He paused, waiting for the man to respond. "It looks like McKay flew the coup. We need to locate him quickly and quietly, preferably without spooking him. When you locate him, give either me or Beckett a call. We'll come to retrieve him. Understood?"
He paused again, his eyes fixed on his knee where his fingers were tapping. "Good. Sheppard out."
"I'll start on the balconies and such near the infirmary, if you want to start further out."
"Sure," Sheppard nodded, sliding off the bed and reaching for his boots, tugging them in place and tying them in record time. "Anything I need to know?"
"Just be very careful with him. I've no idea what state of mind he's in right now. Speak quietly, don't make sudden moves, and try to be soothing."
Sheppard narrowed his eyes. "I can be soothing, you know."
"Aye, like a hammer to the head," he said under his breath. Then louder, "Just be careful of him."
He shot Carson a glance, but didn't comment. "Will do."
With a nod, Carson moved out, stopping by his office to grab his own earpiece, setting it firmly in place. The first few balconies were empty, and he swallowed down his rising fear. But by the fourth one, he rounded a corner and saw a form huddled against a wall, making soft whimpering noises. "Oh my, God. Rodney."
xxx
Was this real? Was this a dream?
He couldn't tell, didn't want to know.
He thought he heard voices, felt hands on him, but that couldn't be possible, could it? How could he feel anything in a dream?
But what if it wasn't? What if it was real? What if it was actually Carson kneeling beside him?
But why? Why would he be here? And where was here?
No, this had to be a dream. Had to.
"Rodney, lad, it's okay. You're safe. Durand isn't in there anymore. We got him out. Look at me, Rodney. You're safe." The hands we gentle, barely touching, giving him the opportunity to pull away if he wanted to.
Nononono. It's a trick. It has to be. Just like last time.
"Shhhh, it's okay, Rodney. I know. I know you're afraid." Carson reached up and gently took Rodney's face in his hands, forcing him to look at him. "Rodney, you're safe now. You aren't going to be sent back to that corner of your mind again. Durand is gone."
Rodney tried to pull away, but Carson's hands were firm, holding him steady. "You can't be real," he finally said, the words whispered, unbelieving.
"I am real. I'm right here, and you're safe, and you don't have to go back there again."
He took a shuddering breath and closed his eyes, only to open them again. "Can't go back, can't," he said, quietly, stridently. "Can't go back to the dark."
He could feel his chest tightening, making it hard to breathe.
"Rodney! Stay with me lad. You don't have to go back. Nothing is going to make you. You're safe. You're here, and you are in control. There's no one else in there with you anymore."
He wanted to believe him, but what if he was wrong? What if this was just another tease? "I can't go back. I can't. Please, don't make me. Please."
Carson let go of his face and reached down to pinch him lightly. "You are here, Rodney, this isn't a dream. I promise. We can stay here and enjoy the fresh air for as long as you want. There are a lot of people who have been very worried about you. I'm going to call Colonel Sheppard now, let him know I found you. We have the whole city looking for you." He reached up and tapped his headset. "Sheppard, this is Beckett, I found him." He paused for a moment. "Aye, he's a bit edgy at the moment, so be careful if you come out here. But I think he'll be fine."
Sheppard? Sheppard was here too?
He slid away from the apparition that was pretending to be Carson, huddling around his knees while he studied the man across from him.
He looked real enough. But what if this was a trick?
He didn't want it to be, but what if it was?
"Rodney, oh you poor thing. I'm so sorry I got you into this." Carson sat down, staying just out of arm's reach, but not close enough to make him feel closed in. "What can I do to convince you this is real?"
"Dunno," Rodney replied, keeping his eyes on Carson even when he heard the door slide open. He shrank back a little, his shoulders hitting the wall.
Sheppard came into view, moving slowly. "Rodney, buddy, how ya feeling?"
"Nononono, you can't be here," he whispered, eyes flickering back and forth between his two friends. "Can't."
Sheppard sank to his knees nearby, his voice low, his eyes flashing with something. "Why can't we be here? Durand's gone. Well, we put him in the new virtual reality machine Radek discovered. And we found out some rather nasty things about Ancients. Carson even used a device—he argued with me about letting him use it."
Carson shot a look at the Colonel, then turned his gaze back to Rodney. "Aye, we have a lot to catch you up on lad." He reached out again, laying one hand on Rodney's arm.
Rodney jerked back, trying to move away but finding he had nowhere else to go. Whimpering he tried to scramble to his feet, but he couldn't seem to get up.
Sheppard made a noise that sounded like a growl, then he moved forward, gripping both Rodney's arms. "Listen to me. You are real. This is real. You are safe." He shook him slightly. "Please, Rodney, snap out of it."
"Please," he said, shaking, but not moving away. "Don't make me go back. I can't. I—" He tried to take another breath but it came out more like a sob.
John shook him again, harder this time. "Use that genius brain of yours, Rodney! Listen to me! You aren't going back. Hell, we'll even get you a nightlight so you don't have to sleep in the dark for a while."
Rodney's eyes widened and he let himself slump forward, his head hitting Sheppard's shoulder, hand clutching his BDU jacket. "God, you are real, aren't you?
"Yeah, Rodney, I'm real. And if you ever do something like this to me again, I may have to hunt you down and kill you."
He took another shuddering breath. "Please, promise me you will. I can't…can't do that again."
"Yeah, I promise. I mean come on, how many times do you really need to have your body taken over by someone else. I think you might have filled that quota now."
Rodney chuckled, but felt it quickly turn into something close to hysteria. He felt Sheppard ease him back down, felt another set of hands on his back, supporting him, grounding him.
"Easy there, Rodney," Carson's voice was still soothing. "Take a few deep breaths. When you're ready, I'd like to get you back to the infirmary."
He shook his head. "Nonononono. Here is nice."
"It's okay, we don't have to go anywhere yet. Not until you're good and ready." Beckett leaned back against the railing, keeping his eye on Rodney.
Sheppard leaned back, too, putting his back up against the same wall as Rodney's. "So, whatcha wanna talk about?"
"Actually," Rodney said, his eyes fixed on the horizon that was starting to darken. "I'm not feeling so good."
"Aye, you haven't had any physical sensations for a few days. Everything is going to seem magnified, emotions, touches, everything."
"No…no, not that," he said, feeling his forehead scrunch up like when he was trying to figure something out. "Why is it getting dark?" He titled his head up but Carson's concerned face began to spin. "Oh, that's not right…"
xxx
"What the hell?" Sheppard was grabbing Rodney, keeping him from toppling over, while Carson jumped forward to do the same. A quick check reassured him that there was still a strong pulse.
"He fainted. I'd imagine he's a wee bit overwhelmed right now." Carson pried Rodney's eyelids up and was gratified by the response.
"Fainted? Are you sure?" Sheppard looked a little peaked, eyes wide as he gently leaned Rodney back against the wall.
Carson just looked at him. "Nae, I'm not a doctor with a medical degree at all. I have no idea what a faint looks like."
"Sorry, sorry," he replied, holding up his free hand. "I'm just not used to…this."
Carson shook his head. "Aye, usually it's you I'm patching up, with the rest of your team standing around making stupid comments."
Sheppard didn't say anything, merely raising an eyebrow. When Rodney shifted under his hand, his head snapped back to the scientist. "McKay?"
Carson leaned over, running his hand up lightly up and down Rodney's arm, as he had done back when Durand first left. "Rodney, welcome back. How are you feeling now?"
The scientist's eyes fluttered a moment before opening, taking a few seconds to focus. "Carson?" The word was whispered, but the question was unmistakable.
"Aye, it's me, and you're still here. You just fainted."
"Fainted?" An eyebrow rose. "I…don't…faint."
Sheppard chuckled. "Yeah, you pass out from manly hunger, right?"
"Exactly…right," McKay said, eyes sliding shut again.
Carson smiled, relieved Rodney could banter, even weakly. That was a good sign. "Rodney, since you aren't ready to go in just yet, I'm going to call for someone to come look you over. I don't know how long you've been out here, and your immune system is a bit weak at the moment."
"You do it."
"Ah, well, Doctor Biro has your case, and technically I'm not cleared for duty yet... She'll just draw some blood, and do a quick check to make sure you didn't injure anything getting out here."
"No." Rodney opened his eyes, fixing them on Carson. "Don't want her anywhere near me. You do it."
"She's been the one taking care of you since...since you first fell ill. She's doing a fine job, and won't hurt you." His eyes flicked to John, who was scowling at him. "Not to mention, I din'na want to leave you, in case something else goes wrong, and I don't have any equipment with me."
"You let the pathologist treat me?" Rodney's voice was starting to rise again. "She works on dead bodies, Carson! Dead bodies!"
"And she is a perfectly qualified doctor, thank you very much. My specialty is genetics when you come right down to it, but that doesn't stop me from practicing medicine."
"I don't want her anywhere near me unless I'm dead. Do you understand?"
Carson sighed. "Fine, I'll ask someone else to have a look at you."
"No," Rodney said, shrinking back a little. "I don't want anyone else to treat me. Don't trust any of the other quacks…"
Carson swallowed hard at the term, clinching his fists. He knew Rodney usually disparaged medicine as a hack science, but he couldn't get the sound of his voice telling him he wanted a new doctor out of his head. "You're just feeling a bit out of sorts right now. It's just a little blood draw and a quick checkup, nothing major. We can argue more about this when you're feeling better."
"No one else. Please."
"Doc," Sheppard said, his eyes narrowing. "Why don't you just do what he asks?"
Carson looked at him for a long moment, ignoring the growls coming from Sheppard. "Fine," he sighed. "I'll do it this once." Reaching up, he activated his headset. "Anne, luv, I need you to bring a syringe and a kit out to the balcony I gave the coordinates for earlier."
Rodney slumped against the wall, shaking slightly. "Thank you."
"You won't thank me later when you remember everything," Carson muttered under his breath. Out of habit while he waited, he reached out to take Rodney's pulse again.
The scientist flinched, but didn't pull away, his eyes on Carson. "This isn't a dream, right?"
"No, this isn't a dream. I promise." Carson let him go, sitting back against the railing again.
"Good, good," he replied, rolling his head to the side to look at Sheppard. "You should ask Carson for something for your headache."
"What is it with everyone trying to solve my headache issues?" John looked exasperated.
Carson just shook his head. "The pain killers didn't work? Son, you really do need to get more rest on a regular basis. This is just your body's way of telling you something is wrong."
"You get testy when you have a headache," Rodney commented, "and I can't deal with you being testy right now."
John sighed. "Sorry, yeah, I know. Sorry."
"See. I was right. This must be a dream. He apologized."
Carson laughed. "Aye, he's been downright testy lately, and that's the first apology I've heard."
Sheppard scowled but didn't comment, instead reaching out and patting Rodney on the shoulder.
Anne chose that moment to make an appearance. Carson took the kit from her, and quickly drew a vial of blood, not looking at Rodney. "Have them run the standard tests. I just want to be sure he has'na caught anything."
"Sure thing, Doctor Beckett. And, Doctor McKay, it's good to have you back." She smiled as she took the blood and left.
McKay's eyes were still fixed on the door that Anne has just disappeared through. "She's okay."
John's head snapped around, his tone careful. "Okay? Yeah, why wouldn't she be?"
"She's nice to me when she really shouldn't be."
"Why shouldn't she be nice to you?" Carson looked puzzled. "I know you like to terrorize the nursing staff, but Anne's always thought you were more amusing than anything else."
He shrugged. "I'm not a nice person…bad with people."
"I'm starting to feel like a bloody therapist. Rodney, we all know you aren't good with people, but that doesn't mean you aren't a nice person."
He turned his head, his eyes half open. "I'm cold."
Carson snapped back into doctor mode. "Aye. Rodney, I really would like to get you back to the infirmary. Not only is it warmer, but we can get you settled. If you're doing fine by tonight, I'll have Doctor Biro release you to your room on the condition someone either stays with you or checks in on a regular basis."
"I thought you promised…you handle my treatment…doctoring." He closed his eyes for a moment, before opening them again and nodding. "I'd really like to be warm."
"We'll still have that discussion later. However, for now she's in charge of the infirmary. Final decisions on release are up to her, so I can make recommendations, but I can't order your release." He stood up and reached a hand out. "Now let's go get you warm."
Rodney looked at the hand for a long moment before nodding. "Okay."
Carson sighed with relief, and motioned for John to help. "Right then, off we go. And Rodney? You really are here. You really are safe."
He didn't answer right away, instead concentrating on keeping his feet under him when his knees decided to give out. Once he was steady on his feet he glanced at Carson, offering a strangely guarded look. "Thanks."
xxx
It was dark when he woke.
Opening his eyes, Rodney peered around the infirmary. The head of the bed was angled so he wasn't lying flat, but it gave him a perfect view. He was thankful to Carson for putting him in the main ward without privacy screens, just so he could see everything. It had been hard walking back in.
He hated his weaknesses, especially this one. It grated on him because it was something so illogical, something he couldn't control once it took hold. It had been manageable—until now.
Carson had given him a little something to set him at ease, which made it easy for him to fall into slumber with Sheppard sitting at his side keeping him company.
So it wasn't much a surprise upon waking to see the Colonel stretched out on the neighboring bed, snoring up a storm. It had certainly looked like he'd needed it.
Shifting in his bed, Rodney went to scratch the itch on his nose and discovered that his hands wouldn't obey his commands, that they were tied to the bed.
Nonononononono.
This was bad, very bad.
He pulled and tugged, some of his panic quickly re-asserting itself.
Hands on his shoulders forced him back, the commanding voice making him listen.
"Rodney, for Christ's sakes calm down," Sheppard said. "Let me explain before you injure yourself."
"Get them off!"
"When I'm sure you're not going to bolt I will."
Rodney nodded taking a deep breath, trying to calm him frantically beating heart.
"You woke up a little…out of sorts before. You pulled out all the tubes and wires and tried to punch me."
"I did what?"
"You tried to use your rather clumsy right hook on my head. We really need to work on that. Anyway, Biro ordered the restraints so we wouldn't have a repeat of yesterday."
"Get them off," Rodney said, tugging again. "Please." He didn't want to fall apart again. Not now. Not ever again. And not in front of Sheppard.
John gave him a long look, then glanced around. "Fine, but if you try to punch me again, I swear you being sick won't stop me from taking you down." He started loosening the bonds.
"I won't," he said, breathing easier immediately. He hated this. He knew it was all in his head, but sometimes it was just too much.
"Yeah, I didn't think you would. I tried to tell them it was just a nightmare, but Biro's a bit more cautious than Carson. If he isn't cleared to take over the infirmary again soon, I may get myself into trouble."
"That's what we get for letting a pathologist run this place," Rodney grumbled, rubbing his wrists, leaning back heavily into the pillows. "Where's Beckett anyway?"
John smirked. "Got sent to bed like a five-year-old who disobeyed his mommy."
Rodney raised an eyebrow. "That must have gone over like a ton of bricks."
"I'd suggest looking up the security tapes when you're feeling better. Great entertainment."
"Security tapes?" The pitch of his voice rose, eyes widening. If there were tapes of Carson that meant his little escape was also taped and there was no way it needed to be immortalized in any way.
John gave him a hard look. "You of all people should know we have cameras set up throughout the parts of the city we use." He gave Rodney an odd look. "And no one but senior staff has authorization to look at them."
"I know, but I hadn't thought—" Damn. The entire senior staff probably saw it, saw him break down…
"And you know we only bother to look at them if we suspect something's wrong. Personally, there's no way I'm spending my free time watching empty hallways."
For some reason, even though he knew Sheppard wasn't kidding, that he was actually telling the truth, there was just something about having this whole experience on tape somewhere…it was just bad.
"I'm going to try and get some more sleep," he finally said, turning his head away, plucking absently at the tape holding the IV in place in the crook of his elbow. The bandages on the back of both of his hands were just more evidence of his actions.
"Rodney, what's really bothering you?" He could feel Sheppard watching him closely, tracking his movements.
"Nothing," he replied, shrugging his shoulders and trying to settle into the pillow.
"Yeah, and I'm a purple polar bear. Come on, Rodney, I know you better than that."
He turned, looking Sheppard over carefully. "You're right. You're not. You do look tired though. Should I call Biro?"
"Stop trying to change the subject. You only get this quiet when there's something wrong. If everything really was okay, you'd be hollering and terrorizing the nurses."
"Oh, I'm sorry," he said, sitting up a little more, his words beginning to come fast and heated. "Am I shoving you off balance because I don't want to talk about something for once in my life? Just because I don't feel like sharing yet another humiliating Rodney McKay experience doesn't mean there's something with me. Maybe I'm just sick and tired of dealing with all of this." He waved his arm, forgetting about the IV and getting a pinch for his efforts.
"Jeeze, Rodney, take a deep breath. First of all, what the hell are you talking about? Humiliating experience? Are we talking about the same thing here? Second of all, I'm not 'off-balance', I concerned about my head geek and team member, since he just went through something that gives me nightmares to even think about!"
"I'm sorry if I can't forget the very recent experience of my huddling in fear on an Atlantis balcony somewhere in the city."
"Rodney," John had moved close enough to grab his shoulders again. "You had just regained control of your body after having been possessed for several days by a deranged Ancient. We fixed the deranged part and got him out, but we were concerned you wouldn't still be sane after that. You have nothing to be worried about. If anything, from what Carson said, that was the best reaction he could have hoped for, since it proves your brain is still working and coming to grips. If you hadn't freaked out, we'd be running all sorts of tests and most likely declaring you brain dead."
He huffed, turning his head away. "As if tests weren't still on the agenda to make sure this scientist has all his marbles back in one piece."
"Well, yeah, I won't deny that. But at least you don't have to have tubes shoved up places of the body that should never have plastic in them."
Rodney scowled, watching as Sheppard leaned back, his hands on his hips. "That doesn't make me feel any better you know."
John laughed. "Sorry. That always makes me feel a lot better. You can always say 'this could be worse' if there are no tubes involved."
"It can always be worse. Let me remind you: I have quite the imagination."
"Yeah, but I can almost guarantee you that no nuclear weapons will go off in the infirmary while you're staying here. So there's one more we can cross of the list of 'shit that could suck if it happened.'"
"I'm not so sure about that," Rodney said absently, catching a glimpse of Biro as she turned into the section. He pointed with his chin. "I see an explosion coming."
John leaned close, whispering. "If she asks, it totally wasn't me who took the restraints off."
Rodney leaned back, eyes widening. "And you actually expect her to believe that?" He huffed, not caring that his volume was at its usual level. "It's not like I could have taken them off with my toes. I'm not that flexible."
"Traitor."
"Like you wouldn't rat me out for the same thing."
John opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off by the arrival of Doctor Biro.
"Doctor McKay, I see someone," she gave John a hard look, "has freed you from your restraints. How are you feeling today?" As she talked, she had moved to the side of the bed.
Rodney glared at her. "Fine. Where's Beckett?"
"I've banned Doctor Beckett from the infirmary for the moment unless he relapses or collapses. Now, why don't you two tell me why you thought it was okay to remove the restraints without asking?" She had grabbed Rodney's wrist and was taking his pulse.
"I'd like," he said, trying without success to tug his hand free, "to talk to Doctor Beckett."
"Well that isn't going to happen. You're stuck with me. Now, why don't we try this again? Restraints? Why are they off?"
"Because I wanted them off," Rodney finally freed his hand, crossing his arms over his chest, not caring about the pinch from the IV. "Doctor Beckett at least treats his patients like patients instead of prisoners."
"You've already escaped the infirmary and then tried to assault your team members. The restraints were on to prevent you from hurting yourself." She gave him a hard look. "Stop fighting me, Doctor McKay. We all want to help you get better quickly, but this will only prolong your stay here."
"What's prolonging my stay here, as you no nicely put it, is you insisting that I can't have my actual doctor treating me. Why don't we just make each other's lives so much easier and actually do what the patient wants?"
"Doctor McKay, at the moment, I am your doctor. Doctor Beckett asked me to take over your primary care. In fact, he said it was at your request. If you feel differently now, you'll have to take that up with him. Now, are you going to allow me to check you over, or am I going to have to give you something to calm you down?"
"No."
She sighed with exasperation. "No you won't let me treat you, no you don't need drugs?"
"Both, actually."
"You can't have both. You are going to get fully-checked and have tests run. You can either cooperate with me, or I can give you something to help you relax and put the restraints back on to prevent you from interfering."
"You wouldn't! That's…that's inhumane!" He glared at her, before starting to swing his legs out on Sheppard's side of the bed. "That's it. I'm done."
She grabbed his arm, forcing him back down. She was stronger than she looked. Glaring at Sheppard, she told him not to interfere, then turned back to Rodney. "Look, Doctor McKay it is obvious you don't want to be treated by me, but at the moment you don't have a choice. I sent Carson to bed because he was about to collapse. He's been taking drugs the last few days to stay on his feet, and I couldn't allow him to continue without risking his health. When he's up to it, I'll make sure he stops by to check on you. But until then we need to get you looked over."
"I'm fine," he said through gritted teeth. "I need you to just leave me alone. I can wait until Beckett's back."
She shook her head. "No, you can't. If Carson were here, he would tell you the same thing. I don't know when he'll be back, and I don't want to wait that long."
"We can. I'm fine. Don't you think I'd complain if there was something wrong?" he said, eyes widening as Biro's free hand rested on the nearby restraint. "Nonononono. I'm fine. Really. All better. Just dandy."
Her voice got quiet. "Please Doctor McKay. I don't want to have to do this to you, but I need to get you looked over."
"And I said that I didn't want you treating me, but did you even pay attention to anything I've said? Am I talking to myself? I'm fine."
She sighed. "Fine, if this is the way you want to do this. Just remember you brought this on yourself." She motioned for several large orderlies to come over, and grabbed his wrist, pulling the restraint over it.
"Nononononono!" he yelled, trying to tug himself free and squirm off the bed at the same time. "Sheppard don't just stand there! Make her let go! I'm fine! Tell her I'm fine!"
John sighed. "I wish I could, Rodney. Trust me, if I didn't think it would get me strapped to a bed alongside you, I'd be kicking their collective asses right now." He glared at Biro. "Is this really necessary? Hasn't he been through enough?"
"I gave him the option, Colonel Sheppard. This was his own decision." She called for a nurse to bring a relaxant, even as she tightened the straps the orderlies had man-handled into place.
"I'm fine. Why don't you believe me? I'm fine. Let me go. Please don't do this." Rodney tugged at the restraints, still trying to convince her to let him go. He swore his heart was going to beat out of his chest and he was having problems catching his breath. "Please…"
"I'm a doctor, we never believe a patient when they say they're fine, because patients lie all the time in an attempt to get out of the infirmary sooner." She injected something into his IV line. "That should help you relax." Her expression held both pity and determination. "If you'll agree to be examined, I can still remove the restraints. However, this is your last chance. After this, I won't offer again, and if I take them off and you fight me, I will have them put back on, and a guard set to make sure they stay on."
He felt the drug enter his system, but he couldn't think of anything except how the room was becoming smaller and smaller with every passing second, how it was still so hard to breathe, how he air seemed to be flowing out of the room. "I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine," he repeated, more to try and convince himself than anyone else, closing his eyes as he tried to push the walls back.
"Rodney, come on buddy, stay with me!" John was there, gripping his arm. "Get the damn restraints off him! Can't you see they're doing more harm than good?"
"I'm sorry, Colonel Sheppard, but this is a medical decision." He could feel her watching him, heard her moving to give him a second dose of the drug. "That should put him to sleep. We can examine him that way, and when he wakes up, I'll consider removing them."
"Don't touch me," he managed to say even as his eyes threatened to roll back in his head. "Keep your hands off of me." It was hard to be strong and determined when his eyelids were growing heavier and heavier. "Don't…touch…"
"I'm truly sorry, Doctor McKay, but I will examine you, and I will treat you, with or without your cooperation. Now get some sleep. When you wake up, you'll feel better, and this will all be over."
"No," he said, already half asleep. "No. Sheppard get Carson…no…" he said as the infirmary faded away.
xxx