Under the Skin – Chapter 9

It was strange, odd even, for Rodney to have nothing to do. But, for once in his life, he didn't mind it. He'd slept until his body had had enough and then he'd taken to wandering through Atlantis, grabbing food when his body demanded it, but otherwise meandering through the corridors, finding familiarity in places he had no memory of.

It was disconcerting.

Carson had meant well last night, but it had been too much, too soon. It had been bad enough the past several days trying to sort through his jumbled mind as he tried to put the pieces back together, tried to figure out what was his and what wasn't. Sometimes it was hard to tell the two apart.

He'd found himself down near the East Pier several times, standing awkwardly outside the secondary chair room, his fingertips just brushing the surface of the wall adjacent to the door. He had so many questions. But he always dragged himself away, letting his feet take him to other places, along other deserted and dimly-lit hallways. He paused outside several other rooms, their doors open wide, allowing him to see the damage, the wreckage.

But even when he finally pulled himself back to civilization, things looked different, wrong in a way that he couldn't understand.

When the sheer volume of people overwhelmed him—their carefully phrased and couched comments, well-wishes, and understanding smiles—he ducked onto a balcony, taking a deep breath of the cool evening air, letting it calm him, ground him.

He wasn't sure how long he was standing there when the door slid open behind him. He didn't turn, wouldn't turn, hoping whoever had joined him would leave. When the doors slid shut once again, he relaxed when nothing was said, assuming they'd left him alone.

The quiet voice several he heard several minutes later made him jump.

"Rodney?" Sheppard's voice was questioning.

He turned, eyes wide, hand pressed to his chest. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" he asked, already knowing that the question had come out a lot weaker than he wanted or expected.

John just raised an eyebrow and moved next to him, staring out over the railing at the ocean. "How are you feeling?"

Rodney turned back to the water, his gaze focused on some of the swells in the distance. "Fine. Why should I not be?"

"You tell me. You've been cleared for light duty, but you haven't been back to the labs. Supposedly the day after tomorrow you'll be cleared for full duty, which means we go back on the mission rotation. I saw Carson leave your room last night looking like a kicked puppy." John shrugged but didn't look over. "So, how are you feeling?"

Rodney glanced over at the other man briefing before turning back to the water. He shrugged. "Fine. Tired. Little restless. I thought the science staff could do with a break."

"This coming from the man who used to swear they would blow the city up if he turned his back on them for five minutes."

"I did check on things," he said sharply. "I know how to do my job."

"I didn't say you didn't. Just the opposite actually. Last time I saw Radek he was begging me to find you and make you come back so he didn't have to deal with all the idiots any more. I didn't think his hair could stand up that straight."

"He's doing fine," Rodney said. "If I saw a problem I would have stepped in."

"I didn't say there was a problem. Radek just hates doing administrative work and being in charge of the department. I think he gets far more enjoyment out of heckling you."

Rodney huffed. "Don't they all." He let the silence grow between them for a moment before speaking again. "So, did Carson or Radek sic you on me? And I'm fine by the way."

John leaned slightly against the railing so he could look out and see Rodney at the same time. "Actually no, neither of them said anything, other than Radek's complaining. I'm here because I've been trailing you all over the city today looking lost, and I'm concerned. You're a member of my team, and I want to know what's going on."

"You were following me?" He turned, his eyes wide, shock on his face. "Don't you trust me? The last time I checked I was allowed to walk around. I didn't think I needed an escort. And don't you have something better to do than trail after me?"

Sheppard looked out at the ocean again, avoiding Rodney's stare. " I nearly lost both you and Beckett to that damn chair, after almost losing you to Durand. I have Lorne trailing Carson since he's more or less staying put, with orders to radio me if he so much as starts walking in the direction of the East Pier. If you had tried to go in, I would have said something, but you seemed to need to time to think. I was just there to make sure you didn't do anything stupid while you did it." He was quiet for a moment before speaking again, softly. "I would never forgive myself if something happened to you. It's supposed to be my job to protect you."

"I'm not sure if I should be insulted since you obviously don't trust me out of your sight or flattered that you want to make sure I don't break anything else—or myself. I'm leaning toward the first one though."

"I trust you, Rodney, with my life. It's Durand I don't trust. I don't know how he got control of you, and all I have to go on that he's really gone is Carson's word, and we've all seen how stable he's been lately. If that damn Ancient tries to get possession of you again, I want to be there to try and stop him."

"Well, Durand's not here," he said pointing to his head. "It's just me in here and that's plenty."

"Good to hear. So want to explain why you've been wandering around unexplored sections of the city like you knew where the hell you were going? He might not be in there anymore, but you obviously have something of him left, otherwise I don't think you'd be doing that. And that's what I'm afraid of, that Durand left some command or something behind so that as soon as I turn my back he can take you. I will not allow that to happen."

Rodney looked at Sheppard for a moment before turning away. "You want to know what he left? Images. Impressions. I know this city better than I ever have…" He paused before turning back to John, his expression and his tone hardening. "I don't know where he ends and I begin. Do you have any idea how disconcerting it is to see a memory of something, somewhere I've been and not know if it's mine or his? I need to sort through it, to make everything mine." He paused, dropping his eyes. "I just need time."

Sheppard was silent for a long moment. "I do understand that, believe it or not. I'm just not sure you understand why people keep asking you if you're okay. I don't think you really understand how valued you are here. But while I won't back off on tailing you, just in case, I won't talk to you unless you either ask or start to do something stupid, if that's the way you want it."

Rodney scowled. "I am an adult, you know. I don't need a babysitter."

"Don't think of me as a babysitter. Think of me as your own personal bodyguard. All the cool kids have one."

"And I was never a 'cool' kid, so you can go about whatever else you actually do during the day."

Sheppard snorted. "I hate to break it to you, but you're probably the coolest kid here. You get to figure out what makes the neat toys work. People hover on your every word. You are, without a doubt, the cool kid."

"And this coming from the twelve-year-old," Rodney said, shaking his head and moving toward the door leading back into the city.

The Colonel easily fell into step beside him. "Hey, twelve-year-olds are usually pretty hip to who the cool people are. They flock to them naturally." He flashed Rodney a grin.

"That wasn't an invitation to follow me."

He shrugged. "I told you, I don't trust the Ancient. If it had been up to me, we would have found a solution that got rid of him permanently." His face hardened. "If he attempts to try and take you again, he's going to find it a bit more difficult this time."

Rodney stopped in the middle of the hallway, crossing his arms over his chest. "Do you actually think that's going to happen, that I'd let that happen again? Is that what this is all about?"

"Not intentionally, no. But you didn't ask for it the first time, and when you managed to come up for a minute, he pushed you right back down again." John's hands whitened around the gun he was gripping. "I thought we had already lost you, that he had just eradicated you. We got lucky this time. What if he decides he wants your body, wants the physical link to this world again, and tries to take it by force, erase your personality? It might be a long shot, but I can't rule it out."

"God, you are paranoid," he said, shaking his head and heading off down the hallway, his pace faster than before.

Sheppard easily kept up, staying by his side. "Probably. But I've already lost too many friends to situations I could have prevented if I had just been a bit more vigilant. I won't lose another. Not this time."

"And this time, it's not needed or welcome," he said, stopping again. "What will it take to get rid of you?"

"I don't think you can. Right now, you are my biggest concern, so unless we have another foothold situation, everything else can wait. Besides, this will give you someone to snark at." The Colonel put on his 'convince the natives we're friendly' smile.

Rodney sighed, not sure whether to sigh or yell. He didn't have the energy to do either and he hated having John babysitting him. If he was going to fall apart or have the anxiety attack he knew was in his future, he didn't want an audience. "You know this defeats the whole 'I need to work this out myself' thing."

"Look, I wish I could let this go. I know you want to be alone, and if I wasn't so sure—" He looked directly at Rodney for the first time, allowing him to catch a brief glimpse of his fear before hiding it again behind the laid-back mask. "We nearly lost you. Can you blame me for being paranoid?"

"You can start by trusting me not to do anything stupid," he blustered, uncomfortable with what he saw, but refusing in his own stubborn way to let it change his mind. He never needed…wanted…this kind of…attention before.

Sheppard continued to look at him for a long time, before he visibly forced himself to relax the grip on his P-90. "All right. But here, at least compromise with me and keep this on, just in case." He handed over a radio. "You aren't wearing one, and when I tried to call you this morning, I nearly had a heart attack when I couldn't reach you or find you."

He looked at the device in John's hand, hesitating to take it from him. "I have one of those already and it still defeats the purpose—"

"You aren't wearing it though, and that defeats the purpose. Look, set it to channel four. No one uses it, and I'll stay off it unless it's an emergency." John ran a hand through his hair. "I'm trying to back off here, but I can't just let you walk away. I won't bother you, but at least give me this."

Rodney glanced from the radio to Sheppard and back again, weighing his options. It was a leash of sorts, but it might give him the space he needed. He nodded slowing, grabbing it from the other man. "Fine. I'll wear it if it'll stop you from following me."

John relaxed a bit. "Thank you." He reached out, putting one hand on Rodney's arm for a moment before stepping back again. "Call me if you need anything." Then he turned, heading down the hallway towards the control room.

Shaking his head, Rodney pocketed the radio without turning it on, heading in the opposite direction down the corridor. He'd turn it on later. He didn't exactly lie to John. He would wear it. Just not right this minute.

xxx

His shift was over, but Carson found he wasn't really tired. He had finally caught up on all his sleep, and the infirmary didn't really have any major cases at the moment. He had been working on paperwork for most of the day, which wasn't very strenuous.

He tried going back to his room, but when he caught himself pacing restlessly, he decided to go for a walk. Maybe that would help get rid of some of the excess energy. He needed to get out more anyway.

He found himself wandering, not really sure of his destination. It wasn't until he was looking at the second command chair that he realized where he was. Curiosity getting the better of him, he walked in, looking around. The last few times he had been here, he hadn't really been in a position to just look.

Other than a few lights on the console proving the room was getting power, it was dark. He was careful not to touch anything, but finally realized what he was looking for—the signal Durand had promised. Intellectually he knew it hadn't really been long enough, but he needed to check.

Not yet ready to head back, he slid along the wall, sitting across from the chair, and just let himself drift for a moment. It was surprisingly relaxing here. Peaceful and quiet.

The sound of someone clearing their throat to get his attention made him jump.

"What's up, Doc?"

"Dear lord! Are you trying to kill me? Try to make some noise next time."

"Why?" Major Lorne asked, leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest.

"So I'll know you're there before you scare me out of my wits." Carson relaxed back against the wall, his heart still thudding in his chest. "What are you doing down here anyway?"

Lorne shrugged. "Keeping an eye on things."

Carson felt his eyebrows go up. "And isn't that a singularly uninformative answer. You've been spending too much time with Colonel Sheppard."

"Well, he does have a lot of advice on how to keep things running smoothly. Seems to be working so far." He pushed off from the door and wandered toward Carson. "What brings you down this way?"

Carson huffed, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the wall, taking up the position he had been in before the Major had arrived. "I needed to get out and work off some excess energy, and found myself here. Surprisingly, I find it almost soothing down here. A chance to clear my head."

"There are plenty of other places on Atlantis. Why here?"

"To be honest, I'm not sure. I wasn't coming here specifically when I set out. I could make a few guesses, but what difference does it make?" He opened one eye and watched the Major. "I could ask the same of you. Why are you patrolling down here? We never did before."

"What is it with you and McKay?" Lorne asked shaking his head, the words said more to himself than to Carson. "Would you excuse me a minute, Doc?" he asked, moving back toward the door to the hallway.

Carson opened both his eyes at that, and opened his mouth to respond when the Major left again. "What in the world...?" He shook his head. Maybe Lorne was coming down with something. He made a mental note to refer him for a complete physical.

The Major ducked back in a minute later, his muscles tense, his expression hard. "Think you're up for a walk?"

Carson was on his feet immediately, dread starting to pool in his stomach. "What's wrong?"

Lorne didn't answer, instead he gestured for Carson to precede him out of the door. "You feeling okay?"

"Aye, I'm fine. Major Lorne, what's happened?"

"Nothing's happened," he said as they walked down the hallway toward the nearest transporter. "Sheppard's a little…worried is all."

Carson stopped dead. "Excuse me? Major Lorne, where are we going and why?"

"Colonel Sheppard wanted you back in the main section of the city."

"And how would he know I'm not there already? And why does he care?" Carson narrowed his eyes. "Last I checked I'm still senior staff and can go any where I bloody well please. Now is there, or is there not, an emergency?"

Lorne sighed. "Look. All I know is what he told me and right now he wants you back in the city. If you want, you can take it up with him directly once we get there, but until then, I have my orders."

Carson closed his eyes and fought to keep his anger under control. He knew the Major was only following orders. "Fine then. Why don't we go have a chat with the Colonel?" He stalked towards the transporter.

Lorne kept up with him, stepping into the small closet-like device and selecting their destination from the map at the back. As soon as they stepped out, Lorne's radio beeped. "Excuse me, Doctor," he said, answering the call, his expression growing more worried as the seconds progressed.

Carson watched him, his anger swinging to worry once more. Some days he was convinced this entire city was trying to give him an ulcer. "What now?"

He held up a finger. "Yes, sir. I'll ask him." Lorne turned back to Carson. "When did you see Doctor McKay last?"

Carson felt all the blood drain out of his face. "Not since last night when he asked me to leave. I didn't see him all day today; and he isn't scheduled for a follow-up until tomorrow. Why?"

"One second, Doc," Lorne said instead, clicking his radio back on. "Not since last night. How long has it been since you talked to him, sir?" Lorne waited for the reply. "It's not that long, Colonel. Only a few hours…Yes, I know it's strange…No, I don't think so. But wouldn't this be easier to do in person? We're almost there…Yes…We'll be there in five. Lorne out."

He turned back to Beckett, gesturing him down the hall. "The Colonel's in his office."

Carson had been watching him, gathering from the one-sided conversation that no one had seen Rodney in several hours. But no one was bleeding or having convulsions—that they knew of. A small knot of the fear uncurled. Rodney had said he wanted time alone, so the fact that he was off somewhere alone wasn't, in and of itself, cause for concern. Yet. "That man is worse than a bloody wife, always wanting to know where everyone is. Come on, let's go let him yell at me for a bit."

"Actually, sir, he's not looking to yell at you too much."

"That's because I have'na started yelling at him yet."

Lorne cringed a little. "You may want to hold off on that for a bit."

Carson looked at the man from the corner of his eye. "Aye, he's tense. But if I don't give him a reason to yell at me for a bit, he'll just yell at Rodney when we find him, and quite frankly I think I'm in better shape to take it right now."

Lorne didn't reply, instead he silently shook his head and led him to the small office Sheppard had and rarely used. Sheppard, though, didn't even give them time to walk in the door before he started.

"What the hell is it with you and McKay and that stupid room?"

Carson didn't say anything at first, walking in and making himself comfortable in one of the chairs. He absently noted that it was so unused, it still squeaked slightly as he sat. "Nice to see you too, Colonel. Want to tell me why you have poor Major Lorne tailing me all over the city?"

"A precaution that seems to have had some merit," he growled, shoving his chair back as he rose to his feet.

"Precaution? I took a walk, and was sitting on the floor enjoying some quiet when I was ordered to return to this part of the city. Last I checked, I'm not only a civilian, but part of the senior staff. Unless we're under attack, you can't order me to do anything." He sat back, knowing his reasonable tone would probably irritate the man to no end.

"And I thought I distinctly told you to stay the hell away from that room!"

"Did you now? And why did you think I would obey? Are you feeling okay, son? Should I bring you down to the infirmary for a quick physical?"

Sheppard shot him an intense look, edged with anger and something else that looked at first glance to be worry mixed with fear and exasperation. "What is it with you stubborn civilians? I'm just trying to do my job and protect you—even if it is from yourself. Why do you insist on being difficult?"

Carson relented, taking pity on the man. "Colonel, I promise, I wasn't out to make your life difficult. After my shift I found myself with some excess energy and decided to take a walk. I hadn't planned on going there, it just sort of happened. I keep finding myself drawn there, although you don't have to worry, I won't be attempting to sit in the chair again until I'm pretty sure it's safe."

Some of the anger drained from Sheppard, but Carson could see it just under the surface. "But what is it about that area, that room?"

He looked away, a bit uncomfortable now. "I can't speak for Rodney, but for me it's—peaceful. Durand showed me how to connect to the city, like you do on a regular basis I believe, but he anchored me, didn't let me get lost. I guess I decided at some point that if I only tried it there, I wouldn't be in any danger."

"And see, that's what has me worried. We can't afford to lose you. What if he does something, pulls you in like he did before and there's no one there? No, Beckett, I can't allow that. As it is, that room and its systems are staying there under protest. Just one more thing and I might have to override Elizabeth's decision."

Carson's head snapped up. "Colonel, there's nothing malicious about it. It's not like someone or something is forcing me down there. I just find myself wanting to be there. He didn't pull me into anything before, I did that myself, and Durand was just as upset about me doing it as you were."

"But something is drawing both you and McKay down there and I don't like it."

"We both still have a lot of questions, Rodney more than me I'd imagine. I want to know that Durand is okay, that I didn't banish him to some sort of living hell. I get the feeling Rodney remembers more than he's letting on, so he has to try and come to grips with that." Carson rose now, pacing again, his nervous energy back. "I don't like that he's doing this alone any more than you do, but we have to respect his wishes."

"And if he does something stupid?" Sheppard sighed. "I asked Lorne to follow you today, just to keep an eye on things. I ended up trailing McKay all around Atlantis like he was some damn tour guide."

"I hope it won't come to that, but at the end of the day, Rodney has to make his own decisions, and we just have to trust him. I'm not sure what else we can do, except make sure he knows that when he's ready, we're here for him." Carson turned, a bit of his own desperation showing. "Colonel, I can't promise I won't go back down there. Please don't force me to go against your orders. I might be a civilian, but I don't want to be your enemy."

"I know that, trust me, but if there's something I can do to make sure he doesn't get hurt or do something he shouldn't, I have to act. If it means sealing off that room, I'll do it. I'm trying very hard to be patient and understanding, but your two seem to know all the right moves to drive me insane."

Carson felt a little thread of dread make its way down his spine, causing him to shiver slightly. He took a few deep breaths, forcing himself to not lose control. "You can'na do that. Please, just...just give us more time. Rodney will come around. I'm scheduled to see him tomorrow for a final check-up before he's cleared for duty. I'll talk to him again then."

"If he shows up."

Carson unconsciously wrapped his arms around himself. "He will. I'm sure he's fine. He has his radio, right? Even if he isn't responding to calls, if there was a problem, he would let us know."

"He promised me he'd wear it," Sheppard said, suddenly weary.

"He might have just forgotten. He has a lot on his mind. He has it, so trust him to call you if there was a problem."

"You haven't seen him today, Carson, haven't watched him. If you were in my position you'd be worried. Hell, you'd probably drag him into the infirmary. I only let him go off on his own with his sworn promise that he'd keep it on, that he'd answer me if he was paged."

Carson sank back down into the chair. "I know, trust me. I couldn't even get him to eat Jell-O last night, and he's usually bribing my nurses to bring him the stuff before he's been cleared for solid foods. But what can we do? Rodney's determined to do this alone. We can't force him to accept our friendship, John. No matter how much we might want to."

"And what if he decides to do something he normally wouldn't do because he's been influenced by Durand? What then?"

"Durand wouldn't do that. If anything, I think he wants to eventually meet Rodney, but he wouldn't hurt him. Just the opposite. I think he'd try to stop Rodney from doing anything stupid. But that's assuming he has any influence right now, and I really don't think he does."

"Then why do you both have the unexplained urge to go down there? Explain that to me, because so far, I haven't heard any kind of explanation."

"It's...quiet there. I can think, can let go for a minute without having twenty people jumping me demanding to know what's wrong. My room feels too small, too closed in. If I had to guess, I'd say Rodney probably feels the same way." Carson felt the overwhelming urge to be back there, where he could think for a minute without being watched, but stopped himself before he had done more than shift in his seat.

"There's plenty of other places to go that are quiet and secluded." Sheppard's expression hardened. "Try again."

Carson shrank back a little, surprised at the tone. "I...I don't know. I can'na give you an answer you'll accept I don't think. I just know that I like it there, that it's safe." He shifted forward again, sitting on the edge of the seat.

"Safe?" Sheppard shook his head, running a hand through his hair. "You know that you're not making this any easier. Actually, you're just proving my point about some kind of unknown influence."

"It is safe! It's...I can't explain it. I just know that unless I do something deliberately, like sit in the chair before I know its okay, nothing will happen there. There is no influence. My staff has checked me over a half-dozen times already, including once today. Don't you think they would have found something if there was anything there?"

"As you continue to remind me, we are in another galaxy. Anything's possible."

"Yes, but that isn't any reason to go getting suspicious when there's nothing wrong. I am perfectly fine, and Rodney will be fine as soon as he works his way through what happened to him."

"So you agree that he's not acting…normally."

"I know he's dealing with a lot. I've never had a case like this before, but I know if it was me, I'd probably be looking for a quiet corner to think things through myself. He's had most of today to make some decisions. Let's see what he comes up with before we start to panic."

"And if he doesn't keep his appointment?"

Carson sighed. "Then we worry and send out a strike team or whatever you call it to find him."

Sheppard sighed, rubbing a hand across his face, his next words quiet. "And if we're too late?"

Carson shut his eyes, willing himself not to go down that path. "We have to trust Rodney not to do anything stupid."

"But for a genius…" John's words trailed off.

"Aye, for a genius Rodney isn't too bright when it comes to realizing how people feel about him. He's closed himself off for so long, that he's only now starting to understand that people care for him. That's something he's been dealing with for months now."

Sheppard looked at Carson, the corner of his mouth twisting up. "What is it about stubborn civilians?"

Carson raised his eyebrows. "I could ask the same think about cheeky military men." He glanced over at Lorne, who had been standing in the corner listening the whole time. "Speaking of which, are you going to call off my guard dog?"

Sheppard shook his head. "I don't think so. Humor me on this, Carson. He won't get in your way, but he will stop you from doing something he thinks is dangerous. I'm not backing off on this one."

Carson tried to look innocent and trustworthy. He couldn't go back down to the East Pier to look for Rodney with Lorne trailing along behind him reporting back to Sheppard. "I'm not a child, Colonel. I promise I won't do anything stupid or dangerous."

"It's non-negotiable. Consider him your best friend until this blows over."

He pointed to his radio, in place on his ear. "But I have my radio, and it is turned on. You can even test it if you want. I'll even agree to check in with you every few hours if it makes you happy. I'm sure Major Lorne has better things to do than trail me around the infirmary."

Sheppard smiled, the gesture not friendly. "Actually, you're his assignment for the near future."

"Colonel, this is silly. I don't need to take up anyone's time. I'm not exciting enough to provide entertainment to your staff, and I don't need someone to watch my every move."

"You're not providing entertainment to anyone," Sheppard said, his voice boding no argument. "Our job is to protect the civilians on Atlantis. Don't push me on this, Beckett."

"Your job is to protect the city. We aren't off-world, and when we are you can assign all the men you want to keep me safe. I'm not complaining then, and will welcome the protection. But this is Atlantis. I don't need protection here."

"Doctor, if you continue in this, I'll have no choice but to make sure that room and maybe the whole East Pier is sealed off. Would you rather I do that?"

Carson shook his head. "Nae, you know that isn't what I want. I just don't like being followed. It makes me nervous, and you don't really want a nervous doctor working on you."

"You'll be fine," Sheppard said, rising to his feet and gesturing to Lorne. "I think the good doctor needs some fresh air." He paused, holding Carson's gaze. "And remember, I can always change my mind about the East Pier."

Carson shuddered a bit, trying to hide it as he rose. "Colonel..."

"No argument. I'm serious. Don't test me on this."

"What about sleep! The man can't tail me all day and night! As a doctor I won't allow that. He needs some time to himself, and I don't exactly keep regular hours."

"Carson," Sheppard said as he stepped around his desk, a hand on the doctor's arm, "Don't worry about the logistics of anything. Just do your job and let us do ours."

"I can't do my job when I'm being watched. I couldn't even allow med students to observe my surgeries, because I couldn't focus with them there."

Sheppard sighed, glancing at Lorne, his voice tight and hard. "Make sure he gets to his quarters. I have some work to do on the East Pier."

"Colonel! No. What do you think you're doing?" Carson grabbed his arm, holding him tight. "I don't have a bedtime, and I'm not letting you go down there without me."

"Beckett, you're not giving me a lot of options right now. I'm asking you to follow one of my orders, something that will not interfere with your job. Instead, you've insisting on doing things your way. As it is, Elizabeth was not particularly pleased with the solution we came up with for Durand. She's not going to argue with me if I want to seal off that entire section for a very long time." Sheppard glared at him. "You have two options: you allow us to do our jobs by keeping an eye on you for the next few days or I seal off that section of the East Pier."

Carson felt torn. He wanted to argue, didn't want anyone following him. But the thought of having the wing sealed caused him almost physical pain. He was sure some of that conflict passed across his face, but he finally choose to give in. He could find a way to ditch Lorne. "Fine. Have it your way. But know that I'm doing this against my better judgment."

"Welcome to my world, Doc. And have a nice night."

He glared at the soldier, suddenly fighting the urge to hit him. Without another word he turned and left, heading back to the infirmary. He was too wound up to sleep now, and he was pretty sure Major Lorne wouldn't allow him to wander again. At least he could try to get through more of that paperwork.

xxx

After Rodney had left Sheppard standing in the hallway, he hadn't known where to go, what to do. He was still restless, but also exhausted. All the waking he'd done had certainly taken its toll on the reserves of energy he'd had.

He'd grabbed a little dinner and then collapsed into bed, sliding into a restless slumber, waking several times during the night. Once morning dawned, he'd given up pretending and had pulled himself out of bed, showering and getting himself ready for the day.

He ate breakfast in the very quiet and nearly empty mess hall, collecting several PowerBars and a bottle of water that he took with him when he left, his body headed directly for the East Pier and the labs there.

What was it about that specific wing, that area, that drew him? He wasn't sure, but if this was the only way to exorcise the demons—or fragments of memory—so be it.

He wandered for hours, munching on a PowerBar when hunger hit, poking at dead or half-dead consoles, running his fingers over the tops, remembering what they were designed to do, what systems they controlled.

It was so strange to be able to get impressions of devices he'd never seen before and know exactly what they were for and what they did. It shouldn't be like that.

By mid-afternoon he was tired and found himself in Durand's lab, or at least the lab he used when he'd been on Atlantis. Finding a semi-clean spot, he lowered himself to the floor, resting his back against the hard surface, his knees pulled up to his chest.

He hated this feeling, hated this warped sense of déjà vu. Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back, his mind still sorting through all the memories and images and impressions that were floating aimlessly in his head.

"If I wake up dead tomorrow, I'm coming back to haunt your sorry arse until the end of time." Carson dropped down next to him on the floor.

Rodney started, his entire body shaking in surprise as his head whipped around. He hadn't heard anyone enter, let alone approach him. "What?"

"If you had turned your bloody radio on yesterday, Sheppard wouldn't have felt the need to stick me with a watchdog, whom I had to have a nurse distract so I could slip out of the infirmary. We don't have long before Lorne and Sheppard come to kill me, and possibly you, so let me give you that check-up you missed. I'd like to die knowing you're okay."

"Radio?" Rodney looked at Carson for a minute, trying to make sense of what his friend had told him. It took a minute, but realization finally dawned. He reached into his pocket, pulling out the object in question. "Oh…this."

"Don't turn it on now! It will only let them find us faster." Carson leaned back against the wall. "Ah, Rodney, what are you doing to yourself? I managed to convince the Colonel not to send out search parties last night when he couldn't reach you on the condition that I'd let him know how your check-up went. When you didn't show up, I got worried and knew if I didn't find you first and warn you, he would probably do damage to you for scaring him like this."

"Check-up? What? That's tomorrow."

"That's today, lad."

Rodney felt his eyes widen as he let his head thump back against the wall. "What's going on? Am I losing my mind?"

"No, you're not. You've just been through a lot lately and you're trying to figure it all out. And the Colonel's not helping, I know. But in his defense, he's terrified. When you were sick, there was nothing he could do to help you, he had to rely on others to save you. Now, I think he's over compensating a bit. Bloody bastard thinks setting watchdogs on people is a good way to handle the situation."

"Yeah, he mentioned something about Lorne," Rodney said absently as he fingered the radio in his hand. He'd made a promise to Sheppard and hadn't followed through, even though he'd intended to. That bothered him. "Carson?"

"Aye?"

"I'm not sure I can do this anymore."

Carson looked over at him. "This?"

"This." Rodney waved his free hand, the small gesture encompassing the room and himself. "I feel like I'm losing myself again."

Carson reached over, resting one hand on his arm. "Then let us help you. You don't have to do this, deal with everything, alone. We need you here Rodney, and none of us are going to give up on you. Don't give up on yourself."

"You don't understand. You can't help. He's still in here," he said, gesturing to his head. "His memories, images, impressions. They're all still there. I can't tell what's mine and what's his. I thought the quiet would help me figure it out, sort things, but it's only gotten worse."

Carson's hand tightened on his arm. "He said you remembered more than you were letting on, but I didn't realize it was that much. But that doesn't mean I can't help. I don't know how yet, but Rodney, we got Durand out, separated you. I know we can find a way to get rid of the last lingering remnants, especially if you're helping. We were at a disadvantage without you before."

"I don't think there's anything left to take out, that's the problem. Nothing's fully formed but it's just enough to feel like it's mine. I honestly don't know how much longer I can stand it." He closed his eyes, trying to ignore the latest memory, the way the scientists buzzed about the labs working on various projects as he helped them sort through the difficult equations and get the project to work.

"Rodney, let's go back up to the infirmary. Let me run some tests, bring Radek in. Right now, your mind has nothing to do but dwell on the memories. Let's get you busy doing something, using your own brain. Maybe that will help, if only for a little while. As a last resort, I'll brave the bloody chair again and ask Durand directly how to erase the impressions."

"No!" Rodney's eyes widened. "Absolutely not."

Carson sighed. "I said as a last resort. Believe me, until we get some sort of sign that it's safe, I really don't want to sit back down in that thing. But if it's the only way to help you, I will."

"Over my dead body."

Carson's lips twitched up. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that. Now, will you come back up with me, so we can find an alternative?"

He shook his head. "I don't want an audience. Can't…have one. Please, don't make me."

"We'll use one of the isolation rooms, and I'll keep everyone but essential personnel out. Once I get some tests started, we can go up to your lab. If you lock the door, we can do some research and no one will bother us. Will that work?"

"Nonono. Not isolation room. Just…let me work this out myself." He pulled his legs closer to his chest, his arms wrapped around them.

"Rodney... Let me help. Please. If you don't want to go to the infirmary, fine, but let me help you."

"I don't think you can."

"Let me try. Don't shut me out before we've even started."

"What's to try? I'm losing my mind. Even though you're the best doctor I've had, it's not something you can put back together."

"You aren't losing your mind. You have the remnants of someone else's memories cluttering up you head. They aren't yours, any more than Durand's personality was yours. And, yes, as a matter of fact, I do believe I can put it back together. Somehow."

Rodney pressed his lips together and shook his head as yet another memory surfaced, the scene playing in his head as if he were there, the overlapping dialogue cluttering his mind.

"That's it. I'm not sitting here watching you slowly go insane. I'm going to the one person I know can help." There was the sound of someone standing, then a garbled meep noise. "M-major Lorne... Fancy meeting you here..."

Rodney just cringed and wished he could disappear into the floor.

"You know the Colonel's not exactly a happy camper," Lorne said, the voice close.

"Yes, I figured. But I needed to get to Rodney. He needs help Major. Where is Sheppard now?"

"He was headed this way. We've been searching for about an hour now. About five minutes after you sent the nurse after me. Thanks, by the way. I have a date for Friday."

There was silence for a moment before Carson spoke again. "Well, glad that worked out for you. Stay with Rodney until Sheppard arrives. I need to go take care of something. And before you ask, it's a medical emergency."

"Doc," Lorne said, his voice protesting even though Rodney heard movement headed away from him.

"I'll be back. Watch Rodney." The footsteps faded away, to be replaced by shuffling for a few minutes, before more footsteps heralded the arrival of someone else. "What the hell is going on here?" Sheppard's voice was tight with anger.

"Sheppard," Rodney managed to whisper, the current lab finally materializing around him as he pulled himself from the latest memory.

"Jesus, Rodney, you look like hell." The Colonel was next to him a moment later, his hand on Rodney's shoulder. "Hey, look at me, I'm here. You're safe."

"Find Carson. Don't know what he's planning."

Sheppard looked around, his body stiffening. His gaze rested on Lorne. "Where the hell did he go? I thought you said they were both here?"

"You had to pass him on the way out," Lorne said, his voice rising a little.

"Damn sneaky doctor. He must have heard me and hid behind something." Sheppard rested his head against the wall for a moment. "Between the two of you, when this is all done, I am taking a long vacation. Lorne! Find him. You don't leave his side until I say so. Bring him back, and after that he's confined to his room, the infirmary, and the mess. I don't care if he's a civilian."

Rodney watched as Lorne left, running out the door. He rubbed a hand over his face, wishing Lorne hadn't turned into someone else entirely—another scientist hurrying to get a special tool he'd…Durand had…needed.

"Rodney." Sheppard grabbed his face, forcing him to look in his eyes. "Tell me what's wrong."

"Memories. Images. Not mine. Things keep changing."

"Whose memories? Durand's? Damn I knew I couldn't trust that Ancient. Rodney, listen to me, we're going to find a way to fix this, just hang on, okay? And why didn't you tell me sooner, before it got this bad?"

"Didn't think it would get like this," he said, trying to hold onto the here and now. It was hard, but Sheppard was helping to keep him grounded. "Thought I could just sort through everything, that the quiet would make it easier to figure out what was what."

"Damn it, Rodney, why wouldn't you trust me to help? Even to sit with you, figure out how to fix this? I refuse to allow another geek on my team, not when I've finally gotten you trained. You are not giving up, do you hear me?"

"Didn't want an audience. Not for this. Hard enough when you or Carson is here." He took a breath when Sheppard was replaced by someone else, another memory, another image.

"Rodney!" John had both hands on his shoulders now, shaking him a little. "Tell me what to do. What can I do to help?"

How could he tell him that it wasn't him, that there was nothing he could do until it passed, until he was able to push past it? Even locked into the image that wasn't his he could still hear, feel, smell. The sheer differences were starting to drive him crazy.

This memory ended as abruptly as it began, leaving him shaking, Sheppard's hands still gripping him tightly. "God," he said, the word more a sob than anything. "I can't—"

"Rodney..." Sheppard actually sounded afraid, his mask gone for the moment. "You have to fight it."

"I feel like I'm losing me. The harder I fight it the stronger it gets. Find Carson. Don't let him do anything."

"I'm not going anywhere. Lorne will find Carson and get his ass back here to fix you."

Rodney snorted, the edges of another memory, another dead Ancient scientist flickering in the corner of his eye. "I don't think this is something he can fix."

"If he doesn't I'll shoot him. It's his job to fix you."

Keeping the specter at bay, Rodney actually looked at Sheppard. "There are some things no one can fix."

"That's a lie and you know it. If it were anyone else but you, you'd be in the labs solving the problem and smirking at everyone because they didn't get it as fast as you did."

Rodney shook his head, feeling the next memory coming. It was worse now. They were coming faster, more frequently, and stronger than before. He closed his eyes, turning his head away from from the man holding onto his arms, trying to push the memory away.

"Rodney! Damn it! Lorne, where the hell are you with Carson?"

Rodney trembled a little as the memory washed over him, watching as another Ancient scientist smiled up at him, his mouth moving, trying to tell him something. It was quick, short, but intense and he found himself trembling even as the damaged lab appeared again, Sheppard still holding onto him, keeping him upright.

His eyes widened as the next one swirled into view, his breath catching in his throat as the memory grabbed him, pulling him away from the present. One word, though, he thought he managed to whisper. "Nydia…"

xxx