Hey!( guys run but are shocked by the forcefield)
Heh, I found out Geico apparently has forcefield indurance too. Haha, nukes! come and get me, I'm insured!
(Nearby nuke 1: Oh crap, he's got insurance!
Nearby nuke 2: F--k, lets get the hell out of here!)
I showed them!
Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, the companies that make Tootsie Rolls, Klondike Bars, and Carmen San Diego, Gilligan's Island, King Kong, Monty Python, Apple, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Merlot, and Ghostbusters. Damn, it's getting worse again!
CHAPTER FIVE: HERE'S A STORY OF A TRIP…
Our group heads down to the port, where they run into a Pianta mob.
Mob boss: Hey, where's my money!
Flunkies: Yeah, where's our money?
Mob boss: No, it's MY money. You just stickin wit me to live.
Flunkies: Right…
Mario: What money? I never even met you!
Mob boss: Oh, right… sorry, I'm lookin fer Wario. Now that you know, I'll have to kill ya.
Mario: But I've known that he's owed to the mob for years.
Goombella: It's public knowledge.
Mob boss: Oh… right… mind if I chase ya then?
Koops: Sure.
The groups get on different motorcycles and start chasing through town before going back to the port, where our group jumps off the cycles. How Goombella could steer a motorcycle is a mystery that may never be solved. Like the Tootsie Pop question, the Chicken or the Egg (I say egg), where in the world Carmen San Diego is, and the Hokey Pokey: whether it IS what it's all about. Anyway, they land on a boat, where some merchant is about to set sail on his vessel of DOOM! … Ahem… I mean, NOT DOOM!
Sailor: Uh, Mr. Flavio, sir?
Flavio: What is it?
Sailor: We need a navigator. The waters around Jamaica are pretty rough this time of year.
Flavio: No they're not.
Sailor: … Stop making fun of me because I have problems!
Another Sailor: Jamaica's waters may be nice, but we'll still need a navigator. Otherwise we'll probably end up somewhere like Gilligan's Island. And nobody wants to go to a place with a sailor, a sea captain named Skipper, a millionaire, his wife, a professor, and some chick named Mary Ann. Bad things happen in those situations…
Flashback"Here's a story of a trip, a fateful trip…"
Another Sailor: NOOOOOOOOOOO! The horror! The pure, TV Land-ish horror!
End FlashbackFlavio: Fine, fine. (to Mario) Hey, guy I've never met nor seen in my entire life! Be a pal and get me a navigator, and you can get a free ride on my ship with all your little friends and be the captain!
Mario: Uh… sure, whatever.
Mario goes to some guy's house and knocks on the door.
Bob-omb: Whaddaya want, a-hole?
Mario: Want to be a navigator to Jamaica?
Bob-omb: Dammit, how'd you know I'm a navigator?
Mario: Uh, let's see… You have a steering wheel for a fuse, a sailor's hat on, and a nametag saying, "HELLO, my name is Bobbery, NAVIGATOR."
Bobbery: Damn… No.
Goombella: Why not?
Bobbery: My wife died on the sea. Swore I'd never go on it again.
Koops: Hmm… Will you do it for a Klondike bar?
Bobbery: …Yes!
Mario: YAY!
Our little posse heads out to the ship, where Flavio is about to shove off. Literally. They're going to push against the harbor to get the ship to sea. They're idiots.
Mario: Hey, why don't you try TURNING ON the PROPELLER on your SHIP? Frickin idiots….
They do so, and the ship starts moving out to sea. At the last second, Crump jumps on without anyone noticing, even though his landing had the sound of a nuclear explosion and half the ship was blown off. For certain plot reasons, though, we'll say the ship is whole.
Readers: THAT MAKES NO SENSE!
Uh… look! A plot hole!
Readers: Where?
I run away.
Flavio's Diary: Day 1Today we set off for Jamaica. For no apparent reason, I let some guy off the street who looks like the world-famous Mario find a navigator and be captain of the ship. But he can't really be Mario, can he? Ah, I'm probably just being paranoid again. Oh no, THE PINK BUNNIES ARE BACK TO GET ME!
Flavio's Diary: Day 2
Our new shipmate, nicknamed Four Eyes for his constant use of corrective eyewear (aka glasses), has warmed up to the Mario look-alike quite a bit. They constantly partake in conversation (aka "hang out together"), and I'm sure that they'll get along like best friends (aka "bff"). Wow, I really have to get my vocabulary to be more of something kids today understand (aka "modernize my 'lingo'").
Flavio's Diary: Day 10
We recently passed a strange island not located on our maps. We have named it Skull Island because of its strange rock formations, and have noticed a large ape roaming about snapping the necks of random T-rexes and grabbing females whilst climbing skyscrapers, who we named "King Kong." I wonder if the names will stick?
Flavio's Diary: Day 20
Tomorrow we will be passing an island known as Gilligan's Island. I have notified the sailor's that we should be safe because this isn't a 3-hour tour, but to still be on their guard from any storms that can make the tiny ship rock.
That night…
Goombella: Is that a storm coming?
Four Eyes (Crump): Hope not. This tiny ship will get rocked.
Cue rimshot.
Anyway, the storm swerves past them. But, Bobbery's attention was fixed on the storm and they crashed into a rock.
Some time later…
Mario and everyone else wake up on an island somewhere. Koops looks around and notices two boats crash-landed on the beach. He recognizes Flavio's boat, but as soon as he sees the name of the other boat he is paralyzed with fear: the SS Minnow. Koops screams. In doing so, all the others wake up.
Mario: What, what?
Koops is simply sitting there, trembling and pointing. All the others look to see the problem, and soon they are also paralyzed in fear. Yes, fear. Not broken backs.
An hour later…
The group is still there, before deciding that being paralyzed in fear is boring. They all decide to get up, and start looking around. Mario decides to stay near the ship to see if he can salvage anything useful. In the end he comes up with several explosives, ropes, a bunch of fabric, a radio, an Ipod with some pretty good songs, some guns, the holy hand grenade, the holy grail, a magic lamp, proof that ghosts exist, and the question to life, the universe, and everything (after all, everyone knows the answer is 42). After salvaging everything (A lot of it was under a neon sign that said "Valuable stuff here: TAKE PLEASE!" in large letters that no one ever noticed. After all, it DID take up half the deck), Koops comes to Mario saying something.
Koops: Hey, Mario! We found some people and some huts they appear to live in! Wanna check it out?
Mario: Sure. Let me just hide the important stuff.
Mario does so, and follows Koops to the small village. In it are a sailor, a sea captain named Skipper, a millionaire, his wife, a professor, and some chick named Mary Ann. Mario takes out the rope he salvaged and hogties them and gags them using the fabric. Also, the rest of the crew was there, trying to decide what to do with the "villagers."
Flavio: So, show of hands for throwing them in the sea?
5 people raise their hands.
Flavio: And show of hands for leaving them in a cave with nothing but poisonous berries for food?
6 people raise their hands.
Flavio: Okay then, lets get their wheelbarrows.
Four-Eyes (Crump), Bobbery, and Some Toad head out, with all the "villagers," who are hogtied and gagged. For some strange reason, three flaming balls of fire come into the campsite and start torching things. Fortunately, only the bamboo radio that the previous residents had was torched. Anyway, Mario, after putting on flame-retardant gloves (retardant meaning resistant), dunks the fireballs underwater. Guess what happens. Anyway, because extinguishing fireballs takes SO LONG to do, an hour or two has passed.
Koops: I'm starting to get the feeling that the author doesn't care anymore.
Hey, yes I do! I just don't care about this part.
Koops: Ah.
Flavio: Okay, we need you to go find the three that left with the villagers. For all we know they could be dead and dying, and we can't have that now, can we?
Mario: (grumble) Fine, I'll do it.
He and his posse head out to find the rest and start wandering. After about 5 minutes, because the group is SO fast, they find the group surrounded by more floating fire. Mario pulls out his gloves again, and dunks them. Four-Eyes and Some Toad leave for the camp, but Bobbery stays behind.
Bobbery: I don't think I can make it, Mario. Please, before I die, get me my wine bottle from the ship.
Mario: What kind is it?
Bobbery: Uh, Merlot red wine, a 1997 bottle.
Mario: Here you go, I salvaged it from the ship while hiding it from the author's all-seeing eye.
Bobbery: How does that work?
Mario: I dunno.
The two drink, and Bobbery joins the party YAY! Our group heads back to the camp, and are ushered back out when Flavio realizes that Mario's treasure map leads to somewhere on the island. After searching around, the group finds it and sticks a small rock in a groove. Two rocks come out of the ground, which Mario uses some explosives on. A small hole opens up, and in goes a bomb. A door opens up, and the group enters. After dunking endless fireballs, dodging several clichéd spike traps, listening to some moaning ghost pirate, and hijacking a boat, the group finds said ghost pirate.
Cortez: Arrr, you be after me treasure! FIGHT!
Bobbery: But-
Cortez: FIGHT!
Mario: Jeez, all right.
Mario dials a phone number, and several minutes later, the Ghostbusters (and Luigi) come in.
Cortez: Ah, crap. Okay, you can have my treasure.
Mario: Thanks. And now, we'll be on our way.
Mario, after putting the huge hoard in a conveniently placed sack, headed on out after blowing up a wall. After meeting up with the rest of the crew, a large X-Naut battleship appeared on the horizon, with Four-Eyes on top. After taking off his scarf and vest, he starts gloating for no apparent reason. Mario takes out a rocket launcher he salvaged from the ship (I guess Flavio wanted to take over Jamaica) and fires it at Crump's ship. It sinks, and many X-Nauts died, one of who was named Dan.
Dan: Hey, I'm not dead!
Yes you are. Now shut up.
Dan: But I'm not! Take this further and I'll sue!
Sound effects guy: DUN DUN DUUUUUN!
Too bad. I bought out your lawyer to do the disclaimers.
Dan: Crap.
Anyway, Dan died-
Dan: NO I DIDN'T!
-And now the guys need a way back home.
Viv: Why don't we use Cortez's ship?
Koops: Wow. For being the only thing you've said all chapter, that's pretty smart.
All: …
Mario: What's a chapter?
Anyway, they threaten Cortez again, and he agrees to take the guys to and fro the island as long as he doesn't have to hear the Ghostbusters theme again. Anyway, they go back to Thiefplace, where they do the cheesy sequence and the author draws some other place on the map.
Bobbery: Hey, that's Rich and Snooty Ville!
Viv: How'd you know that?
Bobbery: Hey, I want to be rich!
Meanwhile on the moon…
Um… pi?
Peach, drunk, starts fighting several fierce imaginary pink elephants. In a quite amusing display, she somehow loses and goes unconscious.
Pretty good, right? Well, R&R, and don't flame please! If you do, I'll be sending em into the winter stock in case we have a cold one (a cold winter, not a beer).