Hey!(guys do nothing)
Wow, the guys have apparently given up. WOO! FINALLY!
("We realized that the forcefields are impenetrable.)
Ah.
("That and they're insured.")
See what insurance can do for you? Call for 15 minutes or more on car,
motorcycle, and now forcefield insurance! (I do not own Geico)
Well, anyway, disclaimer time!
Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, Sony, Monty Python, Powerball lottery, and NASA. New record for low brand names!
CHAPTER 6: SUPER-SLEUTHING WAS NEVER SO EASY
Mario and the gang (remind me never to say that again) are currently looking at train ticket times.
Mario: This stupid thing says 3:43, and that's the time, but THE DAMNED TRAIN ISN'T HERE! Can someone explain to me what's wrong with this?
Bobbery: Hey, relax. These trains are never on time! With our luck the train left before we got here.
Mario: … You know, if you had a neck I'd strangle you.
Bobbery: That's why I'm glad I'm a bomb.
After waiting for an hour, the train finally comes, and our group gets on.
Day 1, morning
Goombella: Do you're saying that this is a 3-day train ride, yet we're only going 100 miles?
Conductor: Yes ma'am, that's right.
Goombella: Although we're traveling at over 100 mph?
Conductor: Correct.
Goombella: Can you please explain to me how that works?
Conductor: You see ma'am, our train works in ways we don't fully understand. We think it may be wormholes or something.
Koops: Maybe that would explain why we're seeing the same mountain over and over again through the train window.
Mario: Hey guys, I just found a poorly written letter in our cabin!
Viv: What does it say?
Mario: "DeAr MaRiO aNd FrIeNdS… Oh, screw this. Dear Mario and friends, for some strange reason I've planted a bomb on this train that will explode when mixed with sand and a diamond. But, due to the fact that I can't seem to find any of these things (and that I'm poor) you have three days to stop me. MWAHAHAHAHA-cough cough… man that hurt."
Koops: Well, that was awfully specific.
Bobbery: Wait, so he actually wrote the laughing/coughing?
Mario: Yeah, right here.
Bobbery: Wow. I mean, you wouldn't WRITE "MWAHAHAHAHA-cough cough… man that hurt." You'd say it!
Random Guy Who Just Entered: Hey, there's some mystery thing going on in the dining car!
Mario: Let's go.
Yay! I get to say something! Anyway, the group heads to the dining car, where some guy in a badly made trench coat is pacing the room.
Guy in Trench Coat (Pennington): Let's review the made up facts. First, the cook lost his pot. Second… well, we're still working on that. But at least we know what happened first! And now, to make a move on in this investigation, I'll start making random accusations! Let's see… MARIO!
Mario: What?
Pennington: Crap, you're actually here? Great… um, I blame you for stealing a pot of soup!
Mario: Why?
Pennington: DON'T QUESTION MY SUPERIOR MIND! Now go look for obvious clues to prove your innocence!
Mario: Jeez, alright already! Let's see… there's a trail of soup on the ground leading to some guy's room.
The group follows the soup and enters the guy's room.
Fat toad: Hey, what are you doing in here?
Mario: I have reason to believe that you stole the soup from the kitchen!
Fat toad: Why, just because I'm overweight? It's not my fault, I have a slow metabolism!
Mario: No, because there's a trail of soup leading here.
Fat toad: Ah. Nevermind that then.
Koops searches a drawer and finds the pot, as well as a magazine covered in soup.
Koops: Aha!
The group goes back into the dining car and gives the pot back to the cook.
Day 1, afternoon
Mario is talking to the conductor.
Mario: What I'm saying is that this threat is legitimate. It even says at the bottom "Oh, and conductor, THIS IS LEGITIMATE!" right here!
Conductor: Well, when you say it like that… okay!
Mario starts to head back to his cabin, but is stopped by a small Bob-omb.
Bub: Hey mister, can you guess what I want for my birthday?
Mario: A PSP?
Nintendo glares at Mario.
Mario: I mean, a Nintendo DS?
Bub: Neither! I'll give you some clues! A) It's an autograph, and B) It has to do with trains!
Mario: You want to be the idiotic train conductor?
Conductor: I heard that!
Bub: No!
Mario: The valley girl waitress who's too busy swooning over that bad pop star to do anything?
Bub: No…
Mario: The cook who can't speak good English and never seems to be doing anything yet manages to supply us with food?
Bub: No.
Mario: The overly energetic engineer who's probably popping pills to be so happy?
Bub: Yeah! You're amazing! And on the first try too!
Mario: Okay… let's go with that.
Day 1, night
Mario is busy asleep in bed. The conductor rushes in!
Conductor: Mario! I think we know who our suspect is! It's the guy in room 4! I'm sure of it!
Mario continues to sleep.
Conductor: So, you don't believe me! Well then, I guess I'll have to go in there myself!
The conductor leaves the room. Several screams and some small scuffling are heard. Mario is still sleeping.
The conductor rushes back in, completely pale.
Conductor: OH MY GOD there's a ghost in there! Mario! Help me!
Mario, still sleeping, rolls over a bit, but otherwise does nothing.
Conductor: Well then… AAAAAHHHH! HE'S IN HERE SOMEWHERE! AAAAHHHH!
The conductor runs out, screaming like a lunatic.
In room 4…
Ghost: Wow… you'd think he'd never seen a ghost before. Ah well, time to go possess the waitress again!
The waitress, still awake for some reason in the dining car (probably locked in there), is walking around singing to her made-up tunes. She suddenly stiffens up, picks up her PDA, and starts blogging under the name "ShyGuy 32." Wait a minute… no wonder I get so many lawsuits and emails from people I don't know!
Anyway…
Day 2, morning
Mario wakes up.
Mario: Wow, I had the strangest dream! The conductor kept entering my room and yelling random gibberish about ghosts.
Mario goes to see the conductor, who is lying in the corner in fetal position, shivering and saying something sounding like, but not quite, "He's there… I saw it… they say I'm crazy… but I'm not crazy… I'm the only one who's not crazy…."
Mario: Okay….
He goes back to his room and notices someone hiding in the corner behind the couch.
Mario: What the…?
He goes to look, but before he can Flurrie pops out from behind the couch, as well as that egg from chapter three.
Koops: Oh dear God no…
Goombella: Jeez, again?
Bobbery: Who's this…?
Flurrie: Yeah, you thought you got away from me, DIDN'T YOU! But I'm back with a vengeance, and I'm taking revenge on you for my necklace!
Mario: Didn't I tell you to go buy one?
Flurrie: I couldn't afford them!
Mario: Jeez, okay. Here's $100, now STOP FOLLOWING ME!
Flurrie: Okay!
Koops: Hey, what's the egg doing here anyway?
Goombella: Yeah, didn't we fry him?
Egg: Yeah… well… uh… A MONKEY!
No one looks. The egg jumps out the window anyway.
Bobbery: Now that THAT'S over with… who wants to explore this creepy station we're coming up to?
Mario: Not me.
Koops: Nope.
Goombella: No way.
Bobbery: Didn't think so.
Day 2, afternoon
PA: Hi everyone, we'll be making a brief scheduled stop for refueling. Now, GET OFF OF MY TRAIN!
Everyone exits. Outside, Some guy is standing in front of the track, in front of a roadblock.
Mario: What are you doing here?
Guy: Since this stupid roadblock is in the way, we can't get the train past. There's apparently a switch inside the station that will take the roadblock away.
Bobbery: Why don't you just move the roadblock?
Guy: Huh?
Koops: You know, pick it up and move it? It only weighs around 20 pounds.
Guy: Uh… I knew that… yeah.
Mario picks it up and moves it to the side, and proceeds to get back onto the train.
Day 2, night
Nothing of interest! Except for the fact that I managed to read that fake blog. Man, that ghost is good!
Day 3, morning
Mario wakes up, and notices that no one is on the train.
Mario: Sweet!
He proceeds to do whatever the hell he wants until he reaches Rich and Snooty Ville, when he gets out of the train and realizes that there's a giant monster on top of the train holding everybody captive.
Mario: Ah crap, now I have to fix this?
Yeah. Sorry, no help from me.
Mario: Great.
He somehow gets on top of the train, and pulls out that holy hand grenade from last chapter. He throws it at the monster (after counting to three, no more, no less), while an angelic choir sings. The monster dies. Everyone is let free, but realize they're on top of the train.
Bad Pop Star: Wait, how do we get off this train?
Mario: I'd suggest jumping.
The bad pop star does so, and breaks his legs. No one notices though, and they all jump on top of him (besides Mario and his posse). They all break their legs. Mario, however, pulls out a trampoline from nowhere (video game physics, remember?) and tosses it to the ground. The group proceeds to jump on that, and safely get to the ground. After finding the place where the star is, the group breaks in and steals the fake star, and then proceeds to steal the real star as well.
Later…
Pennington comes back to the Sanctum, on crutches, and finds that both stars are missing.
Pennington: Shit! And that fake one cost half of my Powerball winnings!
Apparently the rest was used to buy the Sanctum.
Back in Thiefplace…
Mario: Wait, so the ride there took three days, yet the ride back took only a few minutes?
Goombella: I knew it!
The group goes back underground and makes the author draw another star on the map.
Mario: Is that the moon?
Koops: Seems so.
Bobbery: Great, NASA's gonna cost a fortune….
On the moon…
13:00 AM
Grodus has invited Peach into his office.
Grodus: Peach, I have something to ask you… wait, are you sober?
Peach: Yes.
Grodus: Ah, crap.
He gives Peach a drink or five, and then proceeds to talk.
Grodus: Anyway, what I was going to ask you is… you still want to be possessed, right?
Peach: Uh…
Several minutes later…
Peach: …yeah.
Grodus: Good. Well, just so you know, you'll be losing all forms of yourself, including your soul. If you change your mind, just tell me and I'll proceed to make you so drunk that you'll say yes. Got it?
Peach: Uh…
Grodus: I'll take that as a yes.
So? You like it? I hope so, really. Any flames will be used to heat my room as my parents don't give a damn about this thermostat doohickey. Oh, and R&R!