Hello! I brought the guys back! (guys sitting in corner playing harmonica)

Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, any form of alcohol, or those "The more you know" ads they did a while back.

CHAPTER 8: DAMMIT, WHERE'S THE KEY TO THIS DAMNED DOOR?

Mario and friends enter the newly opened Millennium-Old Door Thingy, and behind it is… THE FORTRESS OF SHADINESS!!!!!! It's not that exciting, but still, come on, it's cool!

Anyway, they enter.

Mario: It's kinda creepy in here.

Viv: Nice vacation spot.

The group continues on, ignoring the piles of oddly colored bones and randomly placed cannons, and end up finding a never-ending hallway.

Koops: Well, this is great. How are we going to get past this?

Goombella: Well, theoretically, if we follow the path with the torch lit, we could get through.

Bobbery: Or we could just blow the whole damned thing up.

Mario: I side with Bobbery.

Koops and Viv: Me too.

Goombella: No fun.

The group takes out some of the explosions salvaged from the ship in chapter 5, and blow up the wall, leading into a courtyard. After swimming to a nearby building, the group enters and finds a bunch of rooms with puzzles in them.

Mario: Okay, it seems that every room has some sort of key in it, as well as a riddle explaining how to get the key, so let's split up.

Mario goes into a room with a bunch of bone piles. The riddle says, "Kill the bones from weakest to greatest power."

Mario: Yep, very hard to figure THAT one out.

Mario kicks the bones in a random order until the key appears. He then exits and enters the main hallway.

Goombella enters a room with just a riddle, saying, "See the wall on the opposite side? It's not a wall. It's just there."

Goombella goes up to the wall and finds out that (gasp!) the wall isn't there! Big surprise. She collects the key and moves on.

Koops finds a room with a bunch of boxes. He decides to simply push them out of the way, get the key, and move on.

Bobbery enters a room with just a riddle. The riddle says, "Remember that weak bricks are blown up easily."

Bobbery goes to a spot with a few bricks missing and blows up, revealing the key.

Viv sees a room and enters it, with just a riddle, saying, "Hide and the key will appear."

Viv ducks into the shadows and, lo and behold, the key appears.

Everyone goes to the main area, and put the keys into some key-shaped grooves. The group heads outside and the Shadow Sirens appear.

Beldam: Haha, we're back! And we're going to kick your asses!

Marilyn: Buh!

Beldam: That's right, we're not letting you past to get to our leader!

Mario: I don't have time for this.

He shoves Beldam out of the way and continues through to meet… GLOOMTAIL!

Gloomtail: YOU KILLED MY SISTER!

Mario: No we didn't, we mugged-

Gloomtail: YOU KILLED MY SISTER, NOW DIE!

Battle!
Gloomtail breathes fire! He damaged himself due to burns over 3 degrees in his mouth!
Battle End!

Koops: Wow, that was short.

Mario: Tell me about it. We didn't even do anything.

Meanwhile, Gloomtail is busy trying to find a phone to call an EMT.

The group leaves, and finds that a secret passage has opened up, leading deeper in. After solving many simple puzzles, such as hitting a switch and going on a platform near said switch, the group enters a throne room of sorts, where Grodus is on the chair.

Grodus: So, you are Mario. You're shorter and fatter than I thought.

Mario: You talkin' to me?

Grodus: Uh, yeah. And nice job, you ruined the drama. May as well just show you Peach.

He does so, and she is in some sort of green wacko-digital sphere prison thing.

Peach: Mario! You came! Did you bring a Jack Daniels? Or maybe a Long Island Iced Tea?

Mario: Nope. Sorry.

Grodus: Who cares? LET'S FIGHT!

Grodus decides to shoot lightning out of his staff! Mario simply takes the staff, cracks it in half, and beats the crap out of Grodus! Now that's a real attack!

Grodus: That was a little much wasn't it?

Mario: Sorry, got carried away.

Suddenly, Bowser falls through the ceiling and onto Grodus!

Bowser: Jeez, I gotta lay off that 20-layer cake!

Mario: Hey, do you mind? You just did one of the most random things I've seen!

Bowser: What? Mario? What the hell are you doing here?

Mario: Excuse me, we're at the near end of an adventure here?

Bower: Sorry. It's that damned good 20-layer cake.

Bowser leaves, and then falls off the ledge in the previous room, followed by falling 20 more stories.

Bowser: Hey! It's hell! Nice place….

Anyway, Grodus is seen running off behind the throne, carrying Peach.

Peach: Help! I have some blood in my alcohol stream!

Mario and the group chase after them, and head down an incredibly long staircase. The group enters the room, which has a coffin and a bunch of lit candles. Grodus is in there as well, with Peach lying down drinking a bottle of whiskey.

Grodus: Arise, Shadow Queen!

Nothing happens.

Grodus: Dammit, arise! Get up and fricking arise! I got a vessel!

Suddenly, the Shadow Queen gets up out of the coffin!

Shadow Queen: Okay, okay, what do you want? This better be good, you woke me up!

Grodus: Yeah, I got a body for you to possess, she's the chick in front of you.

Peach: (quite drunkenly) Hi, I'm Peach….

Shadow Queen leans over Peach and in a few seconds, all that's there is Peach but in a goth dress. Shadow Queen starts staggering around, and accidentally does that whacko lightning thing on Grodus.

Koops: What the hell is happening?

Goombella: I'm guessing that since Peach was drunk right before she was possessed, Shadow Queen's drunk too.

Mario: Great! I've got an idea.

Mario picks up Shadow Queen, runs back to the courtyard, and throws her in the lake. Shadow Queen starts drowning. Mario steps forward, and the background turns dark.

Mario: See, when you're drunk, what's actually happening is that all the alcohol in your bloodstream is slowing down the brain due to the depressants it contains.

The words "The more you know" flash above Mario's head.

Goombella steps into the dark area next.

Goombella: When these depressants reach your brain, they slow down the thought process and the realization of what's going on around you.

The more you know.

Next comes Koops.

Koops: After the thought process slows down as well as realization, if you're in, say, water, you won't realize as quickly that you're in water and you won't think to swim as fast.

The more you know.

Viv enters the dark spot.

Viv: When you don't realize this as fast and you don't think to swim even faster, you won't swim, obviously, or if you do you most likely won't do it right due to the fact that you're drunk, and therefore you'll drown.

The more you know.

Bobbery enters last.

Bobbery: Therefore, don't drink and swim or you'll end up like that chick over there.

The more you know.

Mario: Speaking of Shadow Queen, should we save her or something? Seriously, she's still Peach, in a more goth fashion and with the ability to take over the world.

Bobbery: Nah.

Koops: Too tired.

Viv: I'm pooped.

Goombella: Can't swim.

Mario: Okay. She'll sober up eventually.

The group leaves, accidentally hitting a drain switch, draining all the water and saving Shadow Queen.

Mario: Well, I guess that ends that.

No, we still need an epilogue!

Mario: Crap.

As I just said, stick around for the soon-to-be-released epilogue! And try not to flame my low-brand-name-usage self!