Cristina tossed and turned in bed, her body aching, her mind wandering over the possibilities that lie before her and the dreams lost that she should put behind her.
She glanced over at the clock and saw that it was only 2:14 in the morning, she finally resigned to the fact that she'd never be able to sleep unless she tried, so she threw back the covers and pulled herself out of bed to blindly dig through the collection of bags that she'd brought home from the hospital.
Burke stirred gently as she dug through the bags and sat up in the dark, "Cristina...are you okay?"
"I'm fine...just looking for my meds, my sides hurting a little." she lied, finally finding the small package she was looking for.
"I put them in the medicine cabinet, do you need me to get them for you?" he asked, swinging his legs over the bed.
"No, go back to bed. I'll be back to bed in a little bit. It's just been a long day and you need to rest, you have to go to the hospital in the morning."
He laid back in the bed without protest and she disappeared into the living room, flipping on the light over the sink, and pulling a banana from their fruit bowl, tearing the skin off of it and tossing the banana in the trash.
She looked at the peel in her hands, and the suture packet that Izzie had brought her in the other hand.
She wasn't going to be just a cardiologist. She couldn't be.
She tore open the suture packet, and organized her forceps and needle, and went about threading the needle with some proline.
She wasn't going to give up her dreams because of a setback.
She laid out the banana and lined up two edges of it and began to go about putting it back together at the base, but her hands were weak.
Her memory was weak.
She forced the needle through the thick skin of the banana and stopped for a moment.
Was she supposed to go over or under?
Was it a double loop or a single?
She began to methodically work to figure out exactly how to do a reverse stitch, her wrists and arms aching as she worked to put the banana back together, but she couldn't remember the movements.
She couldn't remember the simple stitches taught to her only 4 years ago, she couldn't make her muscles go through the movements.
She simply couldn't do it.
But she continued to work at it, withheld tears of frustration burning her eyes as she poked the needle through the skin yet again.
She looked at the stitch she'd created in the banana and sighed, "I can create my own new stitch..."
"Cristina?" Burke stumbled into the living room groggily, "What are you doing?"
She tossed the banana off to the side and cursed herself for not throwing it in the trash as the needle caught her hand leaving, a tiny scratch. "I was...it's...it's nothing. I just couldn't sleep."
He looked to the discarded materials and knew exactly what she was doing, but didn't know what to say to her.
"It's nothing. I'm fine."
"Cristina.." he finally began but fell silent again.
How could he even begin to comfort her when there was no comforting her when they were in the exact same situation just a year and a half earlier?
"I can't even remember how to do a reverse stitch." she finally muttered, dabbing at the scratch on her hand with the sleeve of her pajama top.
He moved to her side, scooping her up into his arms, "You can learn again."
"It's a good thing that I'm going to be just a cardiologist who doesn't have to know how to suture." her voice was cracking.
He wanted to reassure her that everything was going to be okay, but there were no words. "Let's go to bed." was the only thing that could escape from his lips.
"I'll be to bed when I can figure out how to do this." she replied, pushing him away. "You need rest."
He hung his hands at his side in resolve as she picked the banana and the needle again and began to work at it again, pulling gently at threads, pulling at his heart strings.
"I can't remember if it was over and right or under and left..." she mumbled, thinking aloud.
"You had head trauma, Cristina...it's not your fault."
"Look, you need to go back to bed, and I need to remember how to do this." she snapped, looking up to him as a tear escaped unbidden from her right eye.
She quickly dabbed it away with the back of her sleeve and focused on the banana peel, trying to maintain her composure.
He stepped around behind her and placed his hands over hers, "Over and right." he whispered, guiding her hands, piercing the banana peel gently, and pulling it through the motions that were programmed into her muscles just 2 months ago.
She nodded as he continued to help her until the entire banana was sutured, his touch lightening on her as she began to manuevar the peel better on her own.
She set down the forceps and needle, a sense of accomplishment, mixed with a sense of dependency deep within her.
"You did it." he mumbled, kissing the back of her head, as she focused on the skin of the banana.
"You did it." she muttered, walking back into the bedroom, leaving the peel on the counter with a piece of her shattered dreams.
The two of them had already been through the ordeal of one helping the other in surgery, and just the simple act of him helping her suture a banana peel was enough to wash up memories from that nightmare in their relationship that she thought she had neatly tucked away so long ago.
She fell into her side of the bed, her body racked with exhaustion and despair as Burke watched from the doorway, aching to give her hope, to give her words of encouragement.
He should've known the day that she gave into the idea of being something other than a surgeon so easily that it was too good to be true.
Cristina never settled for second best.
A/N: I'm putting out more tonight, don't worry. I have a lot of frustration to get out.