YAY! I CAN FINALLY UPLOAD!

Trust me, folks, this chapter would've been up EONS ago if this website wasn't so screwed. First I couldn't log in and when I finally could, I couldn't upload any documents! Boohoo.

Oh, and I changed my penname.

Just so you know, all of you readers and reviewers out there are AMAZING. You guys really make my day (:

So, I dedicate this chapter to XO DARK for literally making my jaw drop! Hahaha I didn't know there was anyone out there who printed out Internet fanfic to read (:

I was pretty depressed when I wrote the previous chapter and when I wrote this, I was just downright angry. Why? I kinda had a fight with my best friend, who has already left Singapore to live somewhere else… and both of us are still too stubborn to apologise.

Anyway, the anger I'm feeling comes out in this chapter. Sorry about that! Also, I've included a list of other stories I wrote in case you're interested. If you like the mysteries and plot in this story, I've got countless ones in my others as well.

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Two Quarters And A Heart Down
16: The Reason
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I was away for six years, locked in a shadowy place by a destiny uncalled for.

Now, playing along with my pre-destined fate, I have to leave again. But for how long, I wonder? My only comfort is that I know my departure is near.

So, I wonder… when I leave, will those left behind be worth coming back to? Would they even want me back in their lives after all the hurt I might have put them through?

I know for sure that Hotaru will always be there for me, waiting. And I will always look forward to seeing her again. Because that's how our weird friendship is… Somehow, we always end up together, perfect, despite our many differences and the misleading events in our lives.

And Natsume?

What was he to me, anyway?

A friend? A lover?

What is he to me anyway? And what am I to him? Why did he wait for me for six years? Am I really that special to him?

I said that I wanted to be the one to take his pain away --- but did I even know what he was going through?

How could I call myself his anything when I don't even know anything about him?

I know nothing.

And that is why I am sitting here on this stale stack of hay, inhaling the smell of pig slop and horse manure while waiting for Ruka to finish feeding the chickens in the barn.

It was a given that Ruka was the only one who knew Natsume inside out, from childhood to present. I heard that Ruka's parents died in the fire Natsume had supposedly caused in his town; that is why it is a marvel to me as to how and why Ruka is still friends with Natsume even though he knew what he did.

See, I know nothing about Natsume.

Zipping up the polyethylene sack, Ruka placed it on a high wooden shelf before plopping down in the hay next to me. "What's up, Mikan?"

I looked into his sky blue eyes helplessly. I cupped my face with my cheeks before heaving an enormous sigh. "Oh, Ruka-pyon. Natsume is still doing missions for the Academy. How is he? His health, I mean."

Ruka regarded my vexed visage carefully. "Natsume… doesn't tell you these things?" he asked quietly.

I nodded my head slowly. "I don't ask him either," I admitted quietly. "Ano… Whenever he's with me, he seems happy, you know? I don't want to make him sad by talking about such things."

Ruka chuckled softly. "If you love someone and want to be with them, you have to accept both the good and bad things," he voiced out, more to himself than me.

I twiddled my fingers. "Looks like I'm still pretty immature about these things, even Natsume. How did you become so insightful about this, Ruka? You must be pretty smart."

My last sentence elicited another soft chuckle from the blond. Ruka placed his arms behind his head and lay down in the hay, motioning for me to do the same. I did so tentatively, gathering my long hazel hair and throwing it over my right shoulder to avoid smelly hay getting caught in it.

"It's not about smarts or even your own feelings," Ruka mused. "You don't even have to be in love to know these things. Love can be anything, though, and I've seen many kinds from just watching people."

I lay on my side to face my sky-eyed friend, curling my legs into a foetal position. I was transfixed by Ruka's words and the expression on his face as he spoke. It looked like he really knew his subject --- but his eyes held a strange, sad happiness within them, like he was longing for something that would never be his or rather, something he had desperately clung on to but let go.

He let it go out of love.

"In short," Ruka said gently, looking me in the eye and smiling beatifically. "Truly understanding love is about experience."

I rolled onto my back, clasping my hands on top of my abdomen. It was that otter position Misaki-sensei told me to get into years ago in order to calm myself. "I guess I'm still pretty inexperienced," I murmured weakly.

"Natsume too," Ruka corrected. "But that doesn't matter now, Mikan. Both of you will grow and come to experience lots of things together."

Together, huh?

I wish that were true.

Come to think of it, Aoshi-san never said anything about bringing someone along with me. He neither allowed it nor forbade it.

Could I bring Natsume along?

New resolve burning in my mind and heart, I sat up swiftly, ignoring the hay that I scattered about the barn. Ruka sat up too, propping himself up against his bended knees.

"Ruka-pyon!" I cried shrilly. "Answer the question! Natsume's health?"

Yellow eyebrows furrowed in disdain. "Oh, that. Sorry." Once more, he assessed my face slowly and carefully before opening his mouth to speak. "You know about Natsume's Alice, right?"

I nodded vehemently. "It's the type that cuts the user's lifespan every time it's used."

"Yeah," Ruka said, "and frankly, it's kind of amazing that Natsume's still alive at sixteen considering how sick he was at ten."

"Ruka…?" I said unsurely. I did not like where this was going.

"He should've been dead about four years ago," Ruka admitted softly. "It's that darn Alice of his. To lengthen his lifespan even by a little bit more, Natsume began using his Alice minimally. He began fighting in hand-to-hand combat only and used his Alice only for emergency circumstances like when he's completely surrounded by enemies. I guess that's how he managed to live this long."

"Oh," I murmured uncertainly. By the pained look on Ruka's face, I could tell that this painful story wasn't over yet. "There's more, isn't there?"

Ruka nodded. "By the time Natsume realised that his body was going to die soon from too much Alice usage, it was too late to undo the damage. Sure, he still fought melee style but from previous years, his Alice usage was really incredible. Medicine and rest did little to curb his condition; the accumulated damage was slowly taking toll, seeping into his system day by day. Right now his Alice is really weak. He can hardly produce more than a few embers in his current condition. His once powerful Fire Alice is inside him, eating away at his vitality like a parasitic disease."

Remorseful blue eyes met stoic olive ones.

"Did the Academy know?"

"Yes."

"And they still made him go on missions?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Eyebrows once again furrowed in contemplation, Ruka admitted painfully, "I don't know. It never really made sense to me."

"I see."

"It could have something to do with Aoi, though."

My eyebrows shot up and my heart began pounding in my chest. It was so loud I was sure Ruka could hear it. "Who's Aoi?" I said squeakily. I was almost afraid to find out.

"She's the reason Natsume fights," Ruka said carefully, studying my features, which I struggled to remain blank.

I felt a pang in my heart as Ruka said those words. She's the reason Natsume fights. I'm not jealous.

I'm not jealous…

I'm not jealous.

With my silence, you could have cut the tension in the air with a knife. That is, until Ruka spoke.

"Aoi is Natsume's little sister."

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The reason Natsume first came into Alice Academy was that his and his sisters' powers were discovered in the fire that destroyed their hometown. Ruka confided that it was really Aoi who started the fire and not Natsume. Natsume merely took the blame in order to stop the Academy from attaching puppet strings on his younger sister and using her in their dark operations.

In order to make sure that Natsume always did what he was told, Persona took Aoi hostage and Natsume couldn't even get close to his younger sister though they were in the same school. How sickening.

However, now that Persona is gone, what is Natsume going to do?

If I explain Natsume's condition to Aoshi-san, will the Academy let go of him and his sister?

I wanted to hear the answers to those questions from Natsume himself.

And that is why I am on my hands and knees struggling to reach Natsume, who was comfortably leaning against the sakura tree's massive trunk and nestled in a huge branch, one which I was crawling on like a cat, though without the grace.

Letting out an exasperated sigh, I straddled the branch and glared at Natsume's smirking face and mocking crimson eyes. His hand reached out for me. "Here, kitty, kitty."

Seeing as I had no other choice, I took Natsume's hand and he pulled me towards him with such strength and ferocity that I slammed into him, situated on his chest and in between his legs. Natsume wrapped arm around my waist to support me lest I fall off the tree.

Silence again.

I looked up at Natsume. His eyes were closed and his mouth was slightly open. His eyelashes were so long that they cast a shadow on his face. The sunlight filtered through the sakura tree's canopy, lighting his tanned features a faint pink. The controlled weather in the Academy allowed the sakura flowers to still be in bloom.

I could feel the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. He looked so peaceful… No missions to worry about, no organisation to fight, no disease to struggle with… Just rest and peace.

If I wished for Natsume to always be like this, he would've been dead.

I dismissed those thoughts from my head wildly. As I leaned all my weight against him, Natsume's eyelids fluttered open. "What's up, Duckie?"

My eyelids were closed so he didn't see me roll my eyes. "I believe the correct phrase is 'What's up, Doc?'" I jested. Natsume chuckled.

We remained in silence for a few more moments before Natsume spoke, "No, seriously, Mikan. What's wrong?"

"Who was your first girlfriend?" I asked teasingly.

Though I couldn't see his face, I was sure Natsume raised an eyebrow at that. "You are," he stated simply.

I laughed at that. "Oh, don't tell me you expect me to believe that you, the Natsume Hyuuga, hasn't had a single girlfriend aside from little old me in the sixteen years of your existence?"

Natsume grunted. "Believe it."

I snorted. "Aw, come on. You have a whole fanclub dedicated to you! Don't tell me you didn't think a single one of those fangirls weren't cute. Some of them were pretty good-looking, you know."

"Just so you know," Natsume drawled, "I've only been interested in one girl my whole life. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not the type of guy who goes around having flings with girls you know."

My laughter filled the air once more. "No wonder your fangirls were foaming at the mouth with the whole 'Natsume-kun must remain pure' thing! If ever, I think that only served to make them fall in love with you more."

When Natsume did not reply, I said softly, "But it's good to know."

I twisted my torso to look at his face. His eyebrows were raised slightly and the ghost of a smile played on his lips. As nonchalantly as I could, I asked, "Ne, Natsume, aren't you sad Persona's dead?"

Dark eyebrows furrowed together and unattractive creases formed on his forehead. "That man," he said slowly, "is like a cockroach. I don't believe he's dead."

"Is that so," I whispered. "I don't know how I feel about Urumi. I've only learnt to hate her. I never really feared her in any way… I just really, really hate her. But now that she's dead… I don't know. I don't really feel anything. She was nothing to me." I heaved a sigh.

I closed my eyes and leaned against him once more. His arms automatically enveloped me in an embrace. "Natsume, do you love me?" I asked quietly. Without even waiting for a reply, I spoke once more.

"Ruka said that love is about accepting both the good and bad realities of each other," I said bluntly, twisting my torso and propping myself against his chest. "Why didn't you tell me about Aoi? Why didn't you tell me about your sickness?" My tone wasn't harsh or angry. It was helpless and sad, like a gentle reprimand.

Raven bangs shadowed crimson eyes from view. I waited patiently for him to answer.

Right now, I could give him all the time in the world to just think about what he was going to say to me. I knew that he was never good with words but please, oh Kami-sama, please don't lie to me.

All I wanted right now was the truth.

No more secrets.

No more deception.

No more shades of grey.

If everything were in black and white, then it should have been more than easy for me to leave the Academy by now.

"The truth is, Natsume," I said, bringing his chin up to look me in the eye. Tears began falling down my face. I don't know why I was feeling this way right now… I guess I was just sick of always being the last to know, even when it's about me.

"You don't love me."

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To be continued…

Erm, yeah, please don't kill me –opens umbrella in a futile attempt to dodge thrown pineapples-

Do you guys have any idea how Natsume can try and "prove his love" for Mikan next chapter? I've got none right now so that means it might take yet another long pause before the next chapter comes out. Otherwise, it'll all be words and uh, no actions, next chapter…(how boring) Ehehehe. Character death isn't going to come up until chapter eighteen unless I have enough space to squeeze it into next chapter.

Anyway, did you guys see it? The err, implied Ruka-romance. I'm thinking of writing a prequel to this story on the side, a RxH. It would be interesting to see the ice queen crumble...

Here are my other stories you might want to check out. You don't have to read this part (:

Saving Angels From Satan – (Supernatural/Romance) Mikan's a ghost inhabiting an isolated house on the outskirts of Tokyo. No one knows where her body is or how she died. The most apparent reason why she hasn't moved on into the afterlife is that she's been waiting for her lover to show up. However, she doesn't know that he's already dead, and unlike her, he moved on to the afterlife without a hitch. Then, a family of four men move into her house. The youngest son, Youichi, can see ghosts for some strange reason, and so can his older brother, Natsume, but he's not at all happy to have a girl ghost in his room…

Erm, the summary's kinda boring. What drove me to write this story was revenge. I got a really low score on a descriptive essay so I decided to improve upon my "descriptions". I was having fun describing sceneries and that kinda thing and this story just popped into my head… I posted it here and it seems well-received so I decided to continue. At first, the story was plotless so as I mulled over the plot, I came to a very shocking theory of how and why Mikan died. I'm not divulging details here, though.

Three of a Kind – (Drama/Romance) AU, Ruka x Mikan x Natsume love triangle. I realise that love triangles aren't very popular in the GA fandom… or am I wrong? Anyway, the plot is basically about who will Mikan end up with? Ruka or Natsume? You decide.

But I assure you that the story isn't as shallow as that. The three main characters have a lot of depth to them and the story focuses on the pain each individual has experienced that draw them to each other. If you like studying characters, then you might enjoy this.

Aside from those two, I'm working on a new dark Mikan series. Um... I'm not sure about the genre yet. Maybe Humour/Tragedy? Heh. It has some dry humour in it but it's definitely a NxM pairing. Think of it as an apology for the loooooooooong delay (': Oh, and it's also AU if I haven't mentioned it already.