Shera's Diary

Chapter 4

Apprehension

By Kristen Gupton-Williams

Dear Diary,

Well, a few weeks ago I resolved to drop the oxygen tank issue. Turns out, I lied. I can't let it go. I've taken to studying those plans now every night as I lay in bed, before I go to sleep.

After looking and looking, I've narrowed it down to being tank number eight. It's done just a little different than the other seven, and it's the one that's really catching my eye. Now, if I can just figure out what, exactly, it is about that tank…

The good news is that the rocket is completed, so the next nine weeks will all be systems tests before the lift off. This means I will finally get my hands on those tanks and I can check them in person. Mind you, I'll have a lot of systems to review, but I will make sure those tanks are all right. Even if it means that I'll be burning the midnight oil and doing my studies on the tanks after hours. I mean, I can't very well let my closet obsession over the tanks cut into my other duties.

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Dear Diary,

It's one in the morning. I just got back to my apartment despite going to work today at around six. It's been a long but… interesting day.

Once it got to be around five thirty, tonight, I grabbed a bite to eat and then headed back to the rocket. I studied the tanks as I've made a habit of doing, especially that number eight.

Well, when it got close to midnight, I started to feel tired and not having found anything significant once again, I decided to go home. As I started to leave the rocket, though, I decided to have a look at the bridge of the craft. Just out of curiosity if nothing else. You see, although I'm in charge of checking the systems of the ship, Captain Highwind has taken all the bridge checks upon himself, since that is to be his domain.

Feeling like I was getting away with something, I climbed up to the bridge and entered. I was scared out of my skin to find the captain there, sitting in his would be place, running his hands over various switches and gauges.

Knowing that he'd heard me arrive, I froze in place, waiting for him to look over and see me there, probably to yell at me for being where I didn't belong.

In another rare instance, he didn't, though. The captain didn't even need to look back to know it was me. "Shera… It's later than usual for you to still be spookin' around the rocket."

I kept my eyes focused on him in the dim light, nodding even though he wasn't looking at me. "Sir?"

"I know you been in this rocket every night pretty much. You hang out with those damn oxygen tanks until around ten most nights before leaving and goin' home," he said to me, his voice in his quiet tone.

"Y…you know about that?" I'd asked, curious that he would take any note of my habits.

"Of course I do. I'm in here almost every damn night, checkin' things out and I do have those, you know." With that, he motioned toward a bank of monitors to his left, one of which showed the engine room.

Now, I knew that there were cameras around the ship, I'd approved the plans for those myself, but I'd not been aware that they were ever in use. "Oh…"

He turned in his seat at that point and looked at me. "Shera… you're burnin' the candle at both ends. Those tanks are fine, I wish you really would quit worryin' 'bout 'em."

I dropped my gaze to the floor before me at that, but I couldn't help but make an observation. "You are working here before I ever get up in the morning, and you're still here, so it would seem, when I go home again at night. If there's anyone that's burning that candle, Captain, it's you."

His face broke into a smile at that, and he shrugged slightly. "So I am, but my life is on the line."

"I know…" God in heaven how I knew. "That's why I… I just need to know everything on this rocket is perfect, Sir. I couldn't live with myself if the mission failed and you…" I couldn't bring myself to say it to him.

His eyes narrowed and he nodded again, although I had feared I would have been berated for saying such a thing to him. "Well, I trust you to make sure that don't happen. You make sure this ship is perfect and I promise to live. How's that suit ya, Miss Shera?"

I smiled instinctively at his words. I knew, I absolutely knew that no one else here in Rocket ever, ever saw this side of the captain. "I'll do everything that I can."

"That's all I need to hear." Again, he offered me that rare smile of his, blue eyes turning to me, looking absolutely exhausted. "Go home, Miss Shera. I'll see ya in the mornin'."

"All right. Good night, Captain."

That was that and I came home

I know that if I ever tried to tell anyone in town that I've had these kinds of moments with the captain, that they wouldn't believe me. He was right the first time that we talked. I am the only one here that thinks of him as more than just a part of that rocket.

He's lonely. Somehow I just know that, maybe it's because I am, too. I'll leave it there.

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Dear Diary,

That's it. I'm out of time. There have been no more private moments between the captain and I. Just his usual harsh treatment. There hasn't been any time for it. The last few weeks have been a blur. I haven't slept in three days.

The launch is tomorrow.

The rocket has been locked up tonight for security reasons. I will have just one more check tomorrow, right before lift off.

And that will be that.

Tonight, there's a party at the bar for the captain. I'm going to go get dressed for it now. I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight anyway.

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Dear Diary,

I can't sleep. It's four in the morning and I absolutely can't sleep. The bar closed at three and I got home not too long ago.

If he dies tomorrow, I don't know how I'll go on.

I'm sick to my stomach. I don't know if it's just the stress or the amount that I drank tonight or…

The party started to break up around midnight, since everyone was spent after the last several days of testing and retesting. I'd sat during the entire party at a corner table in the back of the bar, chatting with two of my fellow engineers that I've become close to over the last year.

Well, knowing that I wasn't going to have a cold chance in Hell of actually sleeping tonight, I remained at my table even after everyone else had left.

By one, it was just me at my little table, working on yet another rum and Coke, and Captain Highwind at the bar, a whiskey sour in his hand, his back to me.

I couldn't take my eyes off of him. During the party, he'd been loud and carried on, but now that he was basically alone, his shoulders were slumped as he leaned forward on his bar stool, his elbows on the bar.

I'll admit that when I drink too much, I get emotional, and as I sat there, watching him drink alone, seemingly unsettled, my heart ached.

I love him. I love him and I have from the outset. Despite the way he's treated me most of the time, I love him.

I started to cry.

I thought I was being quiet about it, too. Surely, I thought, there was no way he would know I was doing so from where he sat-- but he did.

I don't know, but it almost seems like Captain Highwind has some sort of sixth sense and without looking or moving at all, he spoke. "Shera… come 'ere."

My legs shaking with my emotion and from my drinking, I managed to transverse the bar. It may have only been thirty feet, but it felt like a mile. I walked up behind him and froze for a moment.

His left hand left the bar and he patted the seat right next to him.

I did as silently ordered and sat beside him, laying my arms on the bar, and staring down at its surface, ashamed that he'd see the tears on my cheeks. I was engulfed in that awful cloud of cigarette smoke that followed him everywhere, even when he wasn't smoking like at that moment.

The captain…

He reached over with his left hand and grabbed my right one as it lay there, entwining his fingers with my own, still not turning his head to look at me. I caught my breath and just… gripped that hand of his for all that it was worth. I don't know what was on his mind because he never said a word, but I think…

I think he was just feeling scared and alone, and with that sixth sense of his, I think he knew that I was feeling something along those lines as well, even if it wasn't my own life.

Tears continued to mark my face, but all I was really aware of was his hold on me. I wanted to tell him so badly how I felt. How scared I was. I knew I had no right, though. He was the one facing the unknown tomorrow.

Like I said, not a word was said the entire time and after two hours of the two of us just sitting there, hands joined, Mike, the barkeeper, came over and told us he was closing shop for the night.

The captain got up as did I and we walked to the door together, and then out into the night air. I looked over at him for a moment, and then he simply took my hand again and started me toward my apartment.

Again, there was just silence between us. Not an awkward one, but more of a reverent one. I really do believe, despite our very few real talks, that we knew one another like no one else on the project.

If nothing else, we seemed to be the only two in town now losing sleep over it.

The captain strolled, his right hand in his pocket, his left one holding mine. He seemed to be in no hurry to get me home, and he didn't take the most direct route there. The fact, though, that he did know exactly where I lived, the very apartment itself, surprised me. He'd never been there before, and yet, he led me straight to my front door.

Finally there, the captain let go of my hand and faced me, putting his hands on my shoulders.

I know I was shaking uncontrollably to be so close to him, to feel him touching me at all.

He spoke, finally. "Well, Shera, I guess this is g'night."

I offered up the best smile I could, my eyes still red in my exhaustion and tears. "Yes, Captain."

Those wonderful blue eyes of his left my gaze for a moment, going off to the side and I could almost see the wheels turning in his mind. I only wish I knew what he was thinking right in that moment.

I don't, though, and if anything goes wrong tomorrow, I'll never get the chance to ask him.

His hands both tightened their grip on my shoulders and he looked back at me again, nodded slightly, and leaned forward, kissing my cheek lightly. I closed my eyes and held my breath while he did so, only opening them again when I felt his hands fall away from me.

"I'll see ya tomorrow," he said, a faint smile on his lips.

"Y…yes, Captain," I stammered back.

Once more, he nodded and then turned, shoving his hands in his pockets and heading toward home.

So… here I sit.

I wish the sun would never rise… but it's a little after five now and I can see that the horizon is already brightening.

I wish that Goddamned sun would just stay down.