Shera's Diary

Chapter 6

Pariah

By Kristen Gupton-Williams

(I know there's more than two people reading this and I really could use the feedback. Please?)

Dear Diary,

I didn't leave my apartment at all after I got here after ruining the captain's life. I spent most of today inside, too, until it got to be around four. I knew I needed to go to the bank and put in my paycheck since my bills are due, it being the first of the month.

It's only three blocks to the bank, but I figured that it would be best for me to take my car and use the drive up teller to avoid contact with others in the town. I know I'm reviled now.

Well, I got to my car parked out in front of my apartment and…

Someone had slashed my tires. Random acts like that don't happen in this town, so I know it was someone lashing out against me for ruining the launch. So, it had begun.

Not having a choice, I walked to the bank. People on the streets fell silent as I approached, only to talk behind me in low tones about how I had ruined the launch, how I had sabotaged Captain Highwind's mission.

As much as I wished to explain what had really happened, I knew there was no point. No one was going to believe me. The town needed a focus for their anger and frustration. They needed a scapegoat and it was I.

I got to the bank and went up to the teller. She had always been kind to me since I arrived in Rocket, but today she didn't say a word. I placed my paycheck on the counter and she took it, typing something into her computer terminal.

I then watched as she scoffed, picked up my paycheck and tore it in two. "The company has revoked your pay and your account has been cancelled. Please leave, Ms. Sakamoto."

Now, over the years, I had heard rumors about Shin Ra doing this sort of thing to failed employees, but never had I imagined it would be me. However, the company did control everything so they had the power to do such a thing. Realizing that my apartment was mine only by virtue of the company providing it for me, I ran home. I feared all of my belongings being confiscated since I had left for a moment.

When I turned onto my street, my fears were realized. There was a Turk standing outside of my door, a few boxes before him.

I dared to ask what was going on.

He looked down at me over the top of his sunglasses, his face emotionless. "The company has seen it fit to evict you from their property. You may take what is in these boxes and vacate the premises immediately."

I looked at the boxes, seeing that they held my clothes, my toiletries, and my books. Honestly, that's all I could have fit into my tiny car anyway. I took the boxes, one by one, down to my disabled car and loaded them within.

I knew I had to get my tires repaired and then leave town. I went across the street to the service station and neared the attendant. He tried to ignore me at first, but then I made enough of a pest of myself that he acknowledged me.

"Fine, I'll change your tires but it's gonna be at least a grand," he said to me, looking at me as though I was subhuman.

I knew that was highway robbery but I knew I wasn't in a position to argue. Since my bank account had been suspended, I pulled out my credit card and placed it on the counter. The attendant ran it through his machine and then laughed.

"What?" I asked, not understanding.

He threw my card back at me. "It says this card has been cancelled."

The damn company had taken everything I had.

Everything.

Not knowing what else to do, I walked back to my car and locked myself inside, deciding that I needed to think. All I could do was call my mother, but in my shame, I didn't dare. I knew that where ever she was, she was surely being treated badly for simply being my mother. She didn't need my woes on top of her own.

I got out to stretch my legs after a while and I saw a newspaper lying on the ground. The headline nearly killed me.

Failed Engineer, Shera Sakamoto, Destroys Space Launch

I wanted to scream. Never have I wanted to scream more in my life. Still… I just didn't have the energy.

I retreated back into my car and that's where I am now, writing this. I guess I'm going to sleep in here tonight. I have no where else to go.

I wonder what the Captain is doing?

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Dear Diary,

I'm so cold right now. I just woke up and despite it being late summer, it got really cold last night. I'm running my car just to get the heater warmed up so that I stop feeling like I'm going to die.

I want to anyway.

At least Captain Highwind is alive. That is my only consolation.

I tried to call my mother this morning and my cell phone isn't working. I guess the company had that deactivated, too.

So, I walked to the phone booth on the corner and made a collect call to my mother, who is currently summering in Costa. She answered on the third ring. "Hello?"

"Mom…" I knew this was going to be hard.

"Shera… I can't talk to you right now. You have let this family, your father's name, and memory down," she said and hung up.

My own mother hung up on me. I'm just that much of a disappointment to her. She always pushed me to be perfect. For the first time since he died, I am glad that my father isn't around to see something.

I'm utterly alone.

I'm also starving. I'm going to use the last twelve gil in my pocket to buy what I can at the store later today. That's really all I can do for the moment.

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Dear Diary,

I'm stranded here in a car that can't go anywhere. I've been completely cut off from the world. Those who were my friends, so I thought, during the project have abandoned me.

Someone wrote the word 'bitch' on the windshield of my car last night in the condensation. They were kind enough to write it backward, so that I can read it from inside.

At least the vandals in this town are considerate. God that sounds lame.

After living in this car for two days, I'm incredibly sore. The attendant at the service station is letting me use the bathroom, but not without a fair share of hassle.

I don't know what to do.

I would welcome a reaming out by Captain Highwind right about now. Anything would be better than this isolation.

I was digging through my boxes out of sheer boredom. I found half a bottle of my old sleeping pills within one of them. I've got them in the glove box, now. I've already been dishonored, I'm alone, and the world hates me. If that isn't a justifiable suicide right there, I don't know what is. I don't think I'll actually do such a thing. Who knows, perhaps a Turk will be assigned to make me 'vanish' soon anyway.

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Dear Diary,

I've been in the car for a week. What little food I've had is gone as of yesterday. The bathroom at the gas station is my only source of water. I got a ticket on my car today for being parked in one spot for too long. I can't pay the ticket, but I did manage to push the car down the street a good thirty feet so maybe I won't get towed quite yet.

I used my last quarter to call my mother again today. She hung up once more, without a word.

I wonder how Captain Highwind is doing. I think about him all the time. I can't imagine how he's feeling. I wish I could apologize to him, but I know it would fall on deaf ears.

I can't believe how incompetent I was. I should have caught that tank error from the outset. I'm so stupid. I ruined that man's life.

I saw a newspaper at the station today. The headline said that the company is canceling the space program thanks to my royal fuck up. That means the captain is now unemployed, too.

Maybe I'll get lucky and Captain Highwind will rethink that notion of being my murderer. Killing me would make him a hero in the town's eyes, at least.

I'll never see him again, though. Not for my killing or anything else.

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Dear Diary,

There's no reason for me to live. I'm going to starve or freeze to death. I haven't eaten in three days now, and the car is out of gas so I can't run the heater. There is no where for me to go. No where. Someone threw something at my car last night, and broke the rear window out so even if the heater did work…

I don't want to die like this.

If I can't figure out what to do by tomorrow, I'm going to take my sleeping pills and just leave it all behind.

No one will miss me.

I'll leave this diary out, though, so that hopefully my reasoning on that damn tank can be seen. I'll write Captain Highwind an apology, too, even if he won't care.

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To Captain Cid Highwind,

If your eyes ever fall upon this, it's because I have been found dead and this diary not simply thrown away as I suspect it will be.

Sir, I have written my explanation over the tank issue a few pages back in this. Please, please look at it and see that I was right.

I didn't mean to ruin your life. I just wanted to save it. You asked me to make sure that everything in that rocket was perfect and I tried. I tried so hard, only to realize a fatal error in those last moments. I truly wouldn't have cared had I been incinerated in that engine room.

My life, as it stands now, isn't worth living and I'm going to end it anyway.

It's the thought of letting you down that is killing me. I know I was the only one on the project team that ever got to see the real you and still, I failed. You promoted me out of faith and I blew it. I have ruined your dreams and your life. It was never my intent.

I would never purposefully destroy the hopes of someone that I love as much as I love you. I never told you, because I knew you wouldn't care or be interested, but my heart was there, dedicated to seeing you through this project and still, I failed.

I don't expect to be forgiven, I just wanted you to know that I'm aware of what my actions have wrought.

Sincerely,

Shera Sakamoto

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Dear Diary,

I thought I was ready to kill myself tonight. I even wrote my apology to the Captain on the last page.

It seems like fate just won't cut me a break.

I came back to the car after using the bathroom at the station, prepared to do what I needed to. When I got in the car, though, I saw that the glove box was opened and that my sleeping pills had been stolen.

I don't know who would do such a thing. How in the hell would anyone even know they were there? Damn it! Damn it all! I'm going to starve to death. I'm so hungry. I just want this over.

I hope, at the very least, that Captain Highwind is getting by all right. He's such a great man that surely, some other opportunity will come his way. After all, he believes that everything in his life happens for a reason.

It's unseasonably cold. It froze last night. I think it will again.