Disclaimer: No I don't own Lost. If I did, I'd tell Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to stop screwing around when they record the official podcast. But alas, I don't so we all have to put up with it.
Shout out/Disclaimer #2: The idea for this alternate version of "There's No Place Like… Where?" was given to me by my friend and fellow author, Ninja Chic. If you like how this one turned out, be sure to give her a fair share of the kudos.
Gag ending number 3a: "There's No Place Like… Where?"
(As the scene opens Jack is in his glass cage, and Ben is standing on the other side looking very pleased.)
Ben: Thank you Jack. You performed the surgery and saved my life. You truly are a man of your word, and so are we. I'm so grateful to be alive that I'm actually going to overlook the stunt you pulled in the operating room.
Jack: So you're keeping your end of the deal? I can go home then?
Ben: Yes Jack, you can go home as soon as you're ready.
Jack: I'm ready now Ben.
Ben: There is one thing you have to do in order to get home.
Jack: And what's that?
Ben: Click your heels together and say, "there's no place like home."
Jack: That's it? You mean that's all I had to do? Do you seriously mean for me to believe that I could have gone home at any time?
Ben: Well, try it if you don't believe me.
(Jack clicks his heels together.)
Jack: There's no place like home. (Nothing happens.) Um… Ben? It didn't work.
Ben: You have to do it several times, Jack. Dorothy had to do it a few times too.
Jack: Okay, I'll keep at it. (Clicks his heels together.) There's no place like home.
(Two hours later.)
Jack: (Still clicking his heels together.) THERE'S NO FIRGGIN PLACE LIKE HOME! GOD DAMNIT BEN! WHY ISN'T IT WORKING?
(Jack looks up and sees that ALL of the Others are in the room watching, albeit holding back their laughter.)
Ben: Finally bursts out laughing. It isn't working because doing something like that doesn't work in the real world. I just wanted to see if you'd do it.
Jack: ARGGGGGGGGGGGH! (Runs forward and slams his fists on the glass)
END